Someone Thinks I'm Awesome

My oldest told me tonight that his roommate thinks I'm awesome.

Here is the response when I asked why:

Oldest: Robert says you're awesome

Oldest: You remind him of his brother for some reason

[23:55] ME: Uh, OK. I'm glad he thinks his bro is awesome. That is good.

EDITED HERE (NOT ON TOPIC).

[00:03] Oldest: He says his brother is a really straightforward person and doesn't take crap

[00:03] Oldest: and is willing to voice his opinion

[00:05] ME: me to a tee, don't you agree

[00:06] Oldest: sure thing

I am really flattered by this comment from Robert. It is very nice to know that a teenager is paying attention to the adults around him. It is also really awesome to be considered "awesome" by a teenager.

ME Being Mom

Mon Nov 26 11:23:47 2007

[11:23] Oldest: ?!

[11:24] Oldest: What'd I screw up that I ended up with a 75 on the 3rd physics exam?

[11:25] Oldest: Doesn't matter, they're going to curve it, and I still have a solid A...

[11:31] ME: That is a huge screw up

[11:31] Oldest: grehhh

[11:32] Oldest: Why can't I have a week where everything goes right?

[11:33] Oldest: At least I got a 100 quiz average in History

[11:33] Oldest: all I had to do was get 60% of the points, though

[11:33] Oldest: because I'm in class with a bunch of morons.

[11:34] Oldest: and I didn't sleep well last night. This week has not started well.

[11:35] ME: Why should you be special and have a perfect week?

[11:35] ME: I didn't sleep very good either, went to bed at 2 a,m

EDITED HERE AS IT IS NOT RELEVANT

[11:36] Oldest: Other people have mostly perfect weeks.

[11:37] ME: No they don't. That is just your imagination.

[11:38] ME: Everyone has an itching butt, or a pimple, or family issues that no one knows about

[11:38] ME: Some people dump food in their laps or go to an interview with a big piece of food in their teeth

[11:38] ME: Some people just smell bad and ruin the day of someone else

[11:38] ME: It is human nature to have things go wrong

[11:39] ME: It is learning how to shrug off the small things and go on that makes the world think you are having a perfect week

[11:39] Oldest: yeah

[11:39] ME: see how wise I am

[11:40] Oldest: mhmm

This is part of an IM conversation I had with my oldest today. He is away at school. As the day went on and I thought back to the conversation, I got to thinking about what if we did have perfect days or weeks. How blah. We would never have the pleasure of a surprise. We would never have a smile just because someone did something nice for us when we were feeling blue. How utterly, horribly boring. I then got to thinking about King Midas. It would be like that only with emotions. YUCK!

No, we are not supposed to have perfect days or weeks. Perfect hours, now those are meant to be.

A perfect hour or so is playing games with your children, having lunch with your best friend, reading a book that you never want to end. A perfect few moments can be found in having your child sit in your lap, even when he is quite a bit taller than you, and telling you his thoughts (notice I did not say hours, my legs would fall off). A perfect few seconds if when your child jumps in the car after school and says he had a terrific day. There are so many perfects to be found during a day that would not be recognized as being so special if all days were perfect.

Weepy Tonight (or This Morning)

It is almost 1 a.m. and I am sitting in my chair watching old sitcoms and crying.

Raymond is so much on my mind tonight that my heart hurts.

Sometimes the flashes that come through are so real, but they are just flashes and I cannot grab on to them.

The other night the youngest did something silly that lasted for just a few seconds, but in that time Raymond's smile flashed through my mind and it was almost as if it formed on my face. It was if I was projecting his smile and approval onto my youngest. It was such a quick flash. I kept trying to make that smile appear again in my mind, but it was gone.

I worry all the time about things I have already forgotten. Raymond was the one that remembered everything about our dating life and our early years together. I cannot remember things like that. Oh, there are certain dates I remember, but not the way he could remember. He was our scrapbook of our life together. Now that scrapbook is gone.

There are pictures of course. Lots of pictures that Raymond could look at and tell the story behind. Me, I can only look at that back and tell you what it says on there about where we were and when. I hate that I cannot remember things like that about our early life together.

I do remember the first time I told Raymond I loved him. We had known each other for a couple of years and had dated on and off. Over the summer we had been dating pretty steady and we were going back to colleges. Raymond went to UK and I went to EKU. Raymond had taken me back to school for our senior year and was helping me set up my dorm room. He was putting together the bunk beds and the room was about 95 degrees. He was sweating so much he had to keep wiping his forehead off so he could see, the bunk beds were not going together like they were suppose to, and yet he was not complaining. I started thinking about all the things Raymond did for me without complaining. The more he banged on those beds trying to straighten out all the parts bent from years of dorm use, the more I thought about what a wonderful and special person he was. So just as he was taking a swing with the hammer I told him I loved him. He stopped and looked at me and asked me to repeat myself. I remember that moment.

I remember him sitting on a cot in my hospital room singing to our first born son "Your Cheatin' Heart." He sang that song because I love Hank Williams' songs and that was the one he knew. Raymond had a nice voice, but he did not share it very often. I remember.

I remember how he held the youngest one when we brought him home from the hospital and showed him the Christmas tree in the living room.

Yes, the most vivid of my memories of our life together are from after the boys were born. Maybe because I always wanted a family. Raymond and I together were just husband and wife, but the boys, they made us a family.

I hate that the boys do not have their father. I am thankful that they remember him. I hope they will remember him all their lives.

I hope I can hold on to all my memories of us together all my life too.

Totally Selfish

The commercial Christmas for me has always been about giving. I always want to watch everyone else open their gifts, especially my boys. I enjoy watching the joy in their eyes when they get something they thought they would not get.

However, when it comes to my receiving gifts, I will admit I was totally selfish about my gifts from Raymond. The anticipation, the excitement of what I would get. It was the same feeling I would have as a child and my brother would wake me up before dawn to see what Santa had brought us. It was because I knew that whatever Raymond bought me was well thought out and would be the perfect gift. It would be a gift from the heart and it would be an extension of Raymond's love for me.

As Christmas nears again and the Christmas ads begin once again, I start to get a lump in my throat thinking about past Christmas Eves with Raymond. We always open family gifts on Christmas Eve. Raymond always went out of his way to surprise me at Christmas. We didn’t buy surprise gifts for each other very often, but Raymond really tried hard to surprise me every Christmas. He would go through the house and see what I needed or would pay attention to things I had talked about and then find something to fill my needs.

One year Raymond bought me my dream mixer. He bought me other things, but the mixer was a huge surprise that he hid in the attic. Another year he bought me my annual favorite slippers and hid a diamond ring in them. It was a ring that I had I had told him I wanted for our anniversary (Jan. 2), but he had picked one out and gave it to me early so it really was a surprise.

I loved the year that Raymond went through my kitchen cabinets and made note of all the items that needed replacing. He replaced all my chipped glass measuring cups.

Another year he did a terrific job of picking out some special cooking tools when I was learning how to bake special cakes. (Yes, I liked to get gifts like that.)

There were several years where Raymond wasn’t able to surprise me because he couldn’t get out and shop without me. I am ashamed to say that on those Christmas Eve’s I would go to bed with a huge lump in my throat because I missed those special surprises. It wasn’t that Raymond didn’t buy me gifts; it was that the surprise was gone. No surprise represented one more thing the cancer took away from us. Another way we would not have our normal life back again.

I would beat myself up after my little pity party because I was so thankful Raymond was there to celebrate another Christmas with us. I would thank God for that year and pray that we would be together another year. I would ask God to forgive me for my selfishness.

Christmas 2005 Raymond surprised me again. The oldest was able to drive and Raymond and the boys went shopping for me. Raymond’s surprise was the first season of “7^th Heaven” on DVD. A television show that I got hooked on only after it had been on for years and I had not seen the earlier shows. Raymond and the boys did not like the show and would groan when I would watch it and make fun of me. So it was an extra special surprise. I went to bed that Christmas Eve so thankful to have had a year like the ones we had earlier in our marriage. Of course, I had no idea it would be our last Christmas with Raymond

I never mentioned to Raymond how much I missed the surprises. I did tell him how much the DVD collection meant to me.

Last year the boys did surprise me in a way. I took them to several stores and pointed out gifts I would enjoy getting and gave them a price range and then left while they shopped. On Christmas Eve, not only was there the surprise of what they bought, but also an extra surprise in that they had added to the gift. It wasn’t quite the same as what Raymond did, but I am hopeful that they will learn as the years go by and that the day will come that they will carry on their father’s tradition with their wives.

It is totally selfish for me to want my surprise each year on Christmas Eve, but that is what happens when you have a wonderful husband that spoils you for years and years. Nothing will ever replace a Raymond Christmas surprise. I am so thankful I had one more before he died. It was so nice to have that glimpse of the past and life before cancer right before we found out that there would not be another Christmas together.

Thank you Raymond for all those years of Christmas Eve surprises. You made me feel so loved by taking the time to find just the right gift.

Another Big Step

I take another big step on Monday, Nov. 26, 2007. I start a part-time job.

I have not worked outside the home, except in a volunteer capacity, since Feb., 1990.

I am very fortunate to have been hired for the job I have accepted. It is very close to home, and I will be able to come home and make my mom's lunch when necessary.

I will be averaging 20 hours a week, some weeks more, some less, and hope to fill a need for my employer and community.

A Blessing and a Losss

A man I knew died today. He has had Alzheimer's for years. I am glad he is out of his prison. I am sorry for his wife, but understand her relief.

My dad died from complications of Alzheimer's. He had it for ten years. It is a horrible disease. My dad once described it for my brother. He said it was like a curtain coming down. Some days he could peak under the curtain, but he always knew that some day the curtain would close for good.

My dad was a wonderful man. Yes, he had his faults like all of us, but most of those could be traced back to his background. His biggest fault was he was too trusting. Raised in a community where a handshake meant something, he was constantly being taken by business partners. It always seemed to be feast or famine in our home. It didn't matter to me because I knew love, laughter, and goodness, but I know that it was hard on my mother.

My dad never met a stranger. If someone admired something he had, he either managed to get one for them, or gave them his.

My dad managed to come back to life after dying on the operating table at least 3 times in the 70's. He survived colon cancer in the early 80's. e was just beginning to enjoy life and travel with my mom when the Alzheimer's struck. I remember thinking how unfair it was that after all he had been through this was his future. He died in 1998.

I remember someone saying to me when my dad died that I did not seem to be mourning. I told them that I had been mourning for 10 years. Now I was rejoicing that my dad was out from behind the curtain again.

I am glad that Kenneth is out of the prison that Alzheimer's had made for him. I will pray for his wife and that she is able to move on to the next stage of her grief, because I know she has been grieving a long time.

To everyone that is a caretaker of someone with Alzheimer's "Bless you." To those suffering from Alzheimer's - I am sorry. May you have many good years before the curtain closes.

Restless

I am very restless today. I am sick with a chest cold. It has been coming on for a couple of days and today it is a full blown hacking cough with burning in the lungs. I took some strong medicine and now when I stand up my head feels odd. The problem is that I am not sleepy. If I could just take to the couch and sleep all day, I would not feel so restless, but I cannot sleep and I want to be doing something, but when I stand up, I want to fall down.

Reading has not been successful because I have this burning desire to be doing something. I want to rearrange my bedroom, sweep the floor, something ... but I can't because of this odd sensation in my head.

Very frustrating. Maybe the medicine will knock me out eventually.

George Carlin's New Rules for 2008

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge *******.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Thanks George, you are like an old friend. Raymond was reading your book in the pre-op room one day and they had to keep asking him to be quiet because he was laughing so hard. It is a fond memory.

Quilting

As I mentioned previously, I finally took a step to reach my goal of learning how to quilt. I have now had three classes, and I am loving it. The math to the cutting scared me a little at first, and I have discovered that I do much better at the cutting at home in my own space where there is not a lot of distractions, but as I get used to the rulers used I am able to cut and watch television.

I could easily fill my house with quilting fabric, but I have made myself a deal that I will not get ahead of myself. One project at a time, because I fear feeling overwhelmed by the planned projects, and then the guilt of having so many projects and so little time.

I am very pleased with my progress so far, and I am excited at the idea of completing my first quilt.

I am also very pleased with myself for signing up for the class and taking the initiative to reach a personal goal. It seems as if I spend a lot of time helping others reach goals, but seldom help myself reach goals. I am so glad I encouraged myself this time.

Life Takes Yet Another Turn

As I mentioned in a previous post, my life has once again taken a giant turn in a direction I did not expect to take so soon.

My mother has moved in with me. I tried to get her to move in with me last June before her lease was up on her apartment, but she insisted she wanted to continue to live on her own. I wish I had been more persuasive, but I was selfish enough to want to experience my new life with the boys without any extra complications a little while longer.

I had no idea that my mother was in the condition she is in. She has always been a great bluffer, and I believe she should get a doctorate degree in bluffing now at the age of 85.

I discovered all kinds of things about my mother as I packed up her apartment. One being she never gets rid of anything, the other being that she had not been eating most of the groceries we had been buying her. I found cans of food hidden in very odd places, and lunchmeat stockpiled in the vegetable bin. I don't think she was eating anything but breakfast bars and peanut butter on bread. Her memory is very bad now, but she also talks about how she believes another Great Depression is coming and how we must be prepared this time. She will spend half a day talking about how they never knew where their next meal was coming from during that time.

She has done some strange things since moving in with us. Some of the things have made me laugh, others have sent me into a crying binge because I feel so horrible that she has been living the way she was and I didn't know. Oh, I knew she was slipping, but not as much as I have witnessed lately. Like I said she bluffs, plus she has a nurse that visits her and she didn't notice either. Mom still gets up and showers daily and then dresses up complete with makeup and her costume jewels. She makes her bed, listens to her cds, putters around the house, etc., making it seem as if she just has a few memory issues, but once you are around her for more than a couple of hours it is apparent that there are major issues. I am glad she is here now.

The boys quiz her when they are home, testing her to make sure she remembers as much as she can. Sometimes she teases them with her answers, sometimes she really can't answer, but I would say that currently 80% of the time she can answer, and that pleases the boys. They have been great about making this adjustment, and it has been quite an adjustment.

Every bedroom has been moved around, and we still cannot walk around the rooms yet. The boys are currently sharing a room, but I hope to change that next month and get everyone a room to call their own, even if the closet spaces will be strange for a while.

I try not to worry about the future too much, but it is hard not to when you have been down this path before. I'm glad she is here because she seems so happy to be here. I am happy she is here as it is easier on all of us, but I will be happier when my home is back to some semblance of organization and I know that everyone has a space to call their own.

"The View From Mount Joy" More Than a Book

I just finished reading "The View From Mount Joy" by Lorna Landvik. As I closed the book I started thinking about my own views from "Mount Joy." (Sorry Ms. Landvik, but I have more than one.) One view in particular I thought I would return to one day, but it never happened.

My greatest view from "Mount Joy" was the one from the cliff where Raymond proposed to me. We went on a hike at Bee Rock in KY and Raymond proposed at the overlook. It truly was a "View from Mount Joy." I always thought we would hike that hike again, but the one time we were able to go back we were with a group of people and circumstances prevented us from hiking the trail. I did get a postcard of the site, but it wasn't the same.

We had another hike before he became ill at the Great South Fork in KY. There was one spot that was absolutely breathtaking and we stood there with our arms around each other enjoying a "View from Mount Joy." We talked of our blessings and how much we missed being in an area of such great beauty, but how we could never return.

After he became wheelchair bound we were still able to have a "View from Mount Joy" when we went on vacation to the Great Smoky Mountains and climbed (wheeled) the Laurel Falls trail, but it wasn't the view that made it a "Mount Joy," it was the fact that Raymond was able to participate in the hike with us.

I hope to have more views from a "Mount Joy" in the future, but so far it hasn't happened. The boys and I have hiked in some beautiful places and have seen some great views, but the joy hasn't been there for me without Raymond. Every time we come upon a great view I am saddened by the fact that he is not by my side.

My views of "Mount Joy" are very different from those in the book, but I believe that I get this same feeling in my heart as the character in the book.

Thank you Ms. Landvik for the memories.

Would Someone Please Explain

Would someone please explain to me the interest in the following:

1. Paris Hilton
2. Lindsey Lohan
3. Nicole Ritchie
4. Hannah Montana

and the list could go on and on and on.

We are really becoming a very shallow society.

Grief Weighing Me Down

I have been struggling all week with grief. My lost time with Raymond has been haunting me. I feel as if I can barely walk upright my heart is so heavy.

There has been a lot of tragedy in our community in the past month. Two mothers of children in our school district passed away. Children in another community lost their parents. A young mother died 12 days after giving birth in another community. I grieve so much when I know there are young children left behind in the wake of a quick tragedy. I worry about what will happen to them. Here they are with more than they can possibly understand and the adults around them are dumbstruck with grief. I worry about the children being lost.

I have been grieving for these children, which just leads to me to grieve for my own even more.

I feel so inadequate as a single mother. I lost my sounding board. How will these other families move on? What is the fate of these children to be left without their parent(s) at such a young age? What is the plan for their life?

My father-in-law was always telling me that God would not give me more than I could handle, it was not comforting at all. It just made me want to scream that anything that took Raymond from me was more than I could handle. Now I just want to scream for these children.

As I sit and think about these children and their grief, I start to think about all the children in the world that are suffering. Children that have not only lost their parents, but have lost their homes, and their villages. That grief is there, but it seems so remote in my soul. The grief for these children in our community and here in this area is so acute I feel as if my body will bleed with it. I then start to think about how wrong that is, as these children will be taken care of by the community, there are many children that have nothing, no one, and I am sure a sense of no hope. The grief for the children in the community then begins to feel like guilt.

Human emotions are hard. I miss my Raymond. He would listen to me talk about these feelings I have been having. He would understand like no one else.

Pray for all the children in the world.

Blind Submission by Debra Ginsberg

I have had a love/hate relationship with this book for weeks and I finally finished it.

I picked this book off the library shelf because I thought it looked interesting. When I started reading it, I decided it was anything but interesting and put it aside to return, only to have to pick it up again when it was the only book around when I needed something to read and was to lazy to get out of bed to search for something else.

After a little while there were parts of the book that I found to be intriguing, but for the most part it was a predictable, boring book. It got so I had to finish it just so I could see if the author pulled it out at the end with a surprise, or if it would just be a predictable ending.

No surprise ending, no characters that turned out to be engaging or someone you could cheer on, nothing.

I have completed the book, and I will take it back to the library today, but what a shame the author couldn't pull this book off with something to make it worth the read. This book could have given so much more to the reader.

Choose Laughter Over Bitterness

I was writing a letter today to a friend that probably does not have much longer to live. He is quite elderly and in very poor health, as his body is just wearing out. His wife of many, many years is extremely bitter, as is he about his health, and I find that sad.

Here they are spending what really could be their last few days together and all they can do is complain. Instead of thinking back about their wonderful sixty plus years together, they can only focus on the last two years and how his health has declined.

I can’t help but feel they are wasting precious moments together. Moments that she will want back after he is gone. Moments that could be spent in laughter and with tears of happy times remembered.

It saddens me greatly that they will end their time here together on earth in bitterness.

Raymond and I were bitter in the beginning, but we adjusted to our fate and did all we could to make the best of it. We really tried to set an example for our boys. I think we succeeded. They went with me to see this couple and I could tell from what the boys said afterward that they noticed the couple's attitude and that it really was not helping the situation. Maybe the boys will now understand why Raymond and I laughed at things most people would have found to be extremely disgusting or totally depressing. I can still smile at those laughs.

I pray that this couple finds peace with their fate and learn to laugh in the upcoming days, because it is what will get them through. I fear they will not find peace in the end if they continue on the path they are currently following. I also fear it will only make the wife’s grief more difficult for her and their family.