It Was Two Years Ago Today

Raymond died two years ago today.

I miss him more than I can ever explain, especially to people that never really knew him. There is just so much to miss.

Rings or No Rings?

A friend told me today that if I would take off my wedding rings I might get asked out. I told him that I did not need a man. He told me that he knew I did not need a man, but it would be nice for me to have someone to go out with and have fun. Another friend agreed.

Another male friend thinks it is wonderful that I still wear my rings. He says it shows that I am a true Christian woman that still considers herself married.

I know Raymond wanted me to find someone else. I am just not interested. I have no idea as to where to look for man, and how I would find one that would meet my standards. Of course, my friend that told me I should take off my rings also said I would probably need to lower my standards and settle for someone that talks about normal everyday things. Why would I want that?

Besides, what man out there would want a very opinionated, almost 50 year old obese short woman?

My rings have been a part of me for 26 years, I do not see myself taking them off any time soon.

GAG!

After eleven days in ICU, Mom was moved to a long term acute care hospital yesterday.

I spent all day with her yesterday, and then the boys and I went to see her after school today. We were there when they brought her dinner. GAG!!!! I’m not kidding, I almost lost it.

Her dinner was tomato soup that was so thick it looked like they just opened the can and threw it in the bowl, 2 small packages of crackers, something called blushing pears – canned pears with something red sprinkled all over them, a sandwich from awful looking white bread, the thinnest cheese slice I have ever seen, and a thin slice of some sort of lunchmeat, water, and milk. She ate about 4 bites of soup, ¼ of the sandwich (only because I told her she had to prove she could eat to come home), and two bites of the pears. The face she made while eating was excruciating to watch.

Poor Mom.

All the Things Wrong

Mom’s doctors have finally completed the list of all the things wrong with her:

Perforated ulcer: did not heal despite the surgery to patch it and have the patch hold. Hopefully it will heal by itself.

Irregular heart beat: Unable to shock her back into rhythm due to a blood clot in her right atrium

Abscess in her abdomen: Seems to be better now after drain placed and lots of IV antibiotics.

Blood clots from her left knee to her left hip: Hopefully the blood thinners will take care of the blood clots.

No solid food since May 19 until today, May 29. Sure she received TPN through her veins for 2 days, but she is still very weak.

Diarrhea: No one seems to know why.

The doctors all seem amazed that she is doing so well with all these issues at 86. They have no idea of just how tough she is and has had to be all her life.

A New Laugh From Long Ago

When we were out the other night, I entered into the end of a conversation between my boys. I heard my oldest agree with my youngest that the youngest is “an egomaniac.” The oldest said he had known it since the time Raymond and the oldest convinced the youngest that 10x10 was 101. That started me laughing, because it was a little joke that ended up getting Raymond in trouble with me because I got a “talking to” from the teacher. It is cracking me up now as I type this post.

It all started in the laundry room one day while I was putting clothes in the dryer. My youngest, who was in 1^st grade at the time, came running in to tell me that he was extremely smart because he knew what 10x10 was, and that made him really smart. I asked him what it was and he said 100! I asked him if he was sure because I thought it might be 101. He insisted that it was 100 and he knew it because he was so smart. I told him again I thought it might be 101 and he should go ask his dad. Of course, Raymond heard all that had happened so when the youngest ran in to tell his dad that he was really smart because he knew what 10x10 was … it was 100! Raymond said no, he was pretty sure it was 101. Then the oldest chimed in that yes, Raymond was right, it was 101.

It was a good laugh for the morning, but then Raymond, the oldest, and I sort of forgot about it. The only reason I started the whole thing was because we don’t like our kids to brag about how smart they are to others. They need to be humble. We figured that the youngest would look at the math and realize that he was right.

Alas, did that bite us. Instead of realizing that he was right, he went to school and tried to convince the teacher that she was wrong because his daddy and mommy told him the answer, and it was 101. The report I received from her later was that she had to spend the whole afternoon showing him why 10x10 was 100. I got a “talking to” about how it is not proper to mislead your child, and Raymond had a really good laugh again.

We laughed about this all over again the other night, but it was a sad laugh for me without Raymond.

The youngest announced that it was because of that whole incident that he has not been able to ever trust his family. I told him that one should always check facts, and then I laughed again at how funny Raymond found the whole thing.

Only One Needs to be in Charge

Yesterday the nurse came in and told us that my Mom could have clear liquids and ice chips. I gave her ice chips all afternoon, but no clear liquids because I was unclear as to if I was suppose to order them off the menu, or wait until the nurse ordered them for her.

Today, Mom was complaining about her side hurting and how hungry she was this morning and wanted to know why she hadn't been giving anything to eat. I asked the nurse about Mom's diet and she said absolutely nothing by mouth. I told her what we had been told the day before and she said she would look at the chart. She was back soon saying that yes, a clear liquid diet had been ordered. She soon brought in jello, apple juice, and chicken broth for Mom. Mom downed it all and was so happy.

About an hour later, the surgeon came in and he was NOT happy. Evidently the ICU doctor had changed her diet without talking to the surgeon. The surgeon said she should not have had anything by mouth for two more days, and that this was going to set her back by at least two days.

I think that out of her 4-5 doctors, one should clearly be the one in charge and have final say in the orders. If Mom's patch fails because she ate I will feel horrible, but not nearly as bad as the doctor that placed the order, because my brother will probably take care of him.

Cracked Me Up

I haven't had much to laugh about lately so it was great to have a good laugh this afternoon.

I spent the day at the hospital with Mom and then I met my boys in town. We decided to stop at Wendy's and get a quick dinner before heading out in different directions.

While we were eating, my boys were saying things that made me laugh. At one point I told them that having dinner with them was the highlight of my day. My youngest then looked at me and said "Boy - Your day must have really sucked!" Cracked me up.

Immediate Surgery

What a day!

This morning they took Mom in for her procedures and promptly brought her back, but really did not tell us why, they said we had to wait for the surgeon. (I learned this from my brother on the phone.) I arrived at the hospital just as the surgeon arrived to tell us that we were dealing with a totally different situation. They found a perforated ulcer in her duodenum as they were looking at the contrast on the scan to mark where to place the drain. Everyone was a little shocked because they said if one of us had what she had we would be screaming in pain.

After the shock of the ulcer discovery, we were told she needed immediate surgery to repair the hole, as in within the hour.

She was in surgery for a little over 2 hours and in recovery for a little longer than 2 hours to get her blood pressure regulated. The doctor said he was amazed how well she did. They placed the filter for the blood clots first and then patched the ulcer.

Mom will probably be in the hospital for at least a week. It will be a challenge to keep her down once she starts to feel better. They already put in a PICC line because she kept pulling out her IV. Now she has a NG tube...good luck with that nurses.

At least they found the problem and have fixed it. As the surgeon said though, getting through the surgery probably wasn't the hard part, it will be getting through the recovery.

She still will probably have to have some other tests done to find out if there are any blood clots in her heart.

Good thing she is such a tough old lady.

Mom is in the Hospital

Mom has been failing in the last few weeks. I took her to the doctors, and they told me it was her Alzheimer's progressing. I called the doctor's and they said it was her Alzheimer's progressing. Her home health nurse called the doctor's and they ignored her.

Wednesday afternoon the home health nurse came over and said I needed to get Mom into the doctor. We called the doctor and they said they would call me right back. No call.

Thursday morning I called the doctor and told them he had to see her. Forty-five minutes after we arrived for her appointment we were sitting at the hospital admissions desk. When we finally got to the room her blood pressure was 70/44. They moved her to ICU around 8:00 p.m. to be able to monitor her better.

Last night at 8:00 p.m. we finally found out what was wrong. She has an abscess in her abdomen from where she had the gallbladder surgery and her left leg from her knee to her hip is full of blood clots.

She was suppose to have two procedures at 8:30 this morning. One to put a drain in her abdomen and the other to put a filter in one of her main veins to keep a blood clot from hitting her lungs or heart. My brother just called and said they were doing construction in the operating room and the procedures have been put off until 11:00 a.m.

Mom seems to be doing okay except she wants to go home, and she thinks I took her on a plane ride yesterday (CT Scan?).

I will say this...my brother is trying to help me out by being at the hospital as much as possible. He is not great in dealing with her primary doctor, but he is there.

Mom will be in the hospital at least four more days. I am glad she is finally getting the care she needed, and I am sleeping better because I just knew something was wrong, and I knew I was not getting the proper care for her. Now we know the problems, we just have to see if they can be corrected.

Graduation Day: May 9, 2008

On Friday, May 9, 2008 my oldest son graduated with Honors from the Texas Academy of Math and Science.

He worked hard and although we don’t know his grades for this semester, he had two 4.0 semesters and another semester with all A’s and one very high B. He thinks he may have a B in World Lit this time, but the rest are very high A’s if the reports sent home were any indication.

I am very proud of all his accomplishments the last 2 years. He had 132 hours of community service, he received the Staff Choice award, he designed a website for his club, he was an executive of his club, and he participated in the Science Bowl two years in a row. He came away without any disciplinary points on his record. I find all of this amazing since his Dad died at the end of May, 2006 and he went to live at TAMS in August, 2006.

When you graduate from TAMS you get to write what they read about you as you cross the stage to receive your diploma. After some of his accomplishments, my son thanked his Mom, Dad, and “his brother’s name.” I was so thrilled that he included Raymond in his thank you. It meant the world to me.

I thought last night would be really hard since Raymond and I really had a goal of Raymond living long enough to see his sons graduate. This has been on my mind a lot, and I have been extremely depressed about the fact that Raymond would not be by me last night. However, two things happened that made it easier on me at the graduation.

The first thing that happened was the bell. When I was working on my container garden on Thursday night feeling sorry for myself, my boys, and Raymond, the bell started clanging. Once again, none of the other chimes were making a sound, but the bell, well it was giving me what for in only a way Raymond could. I walked out to the bell, and not a leaf on the tree it is in was blowing, but the bell was swinging back and forth just as hard as it could. Message delivered. Get over it. Quit moping. Enjoy life.

The second thing happened yesterday afternoon as I was pulling into my driveway in order to run in and change clothes for the graduation ceremony. As I started up the driveway there was a large hawk circling the driveway and dipping its wing at me. After about five circles it headed northwest…towards Denton where the ceremony was being held. Message delivered. Hurry up, I’m already heading that way. I’m going to be there when my boy graduates.

Yes, Raymond and I were very proud of our oldest boy on his graduation day.

Bad Case of the Should Haves

This week I am suffering a bad case of the “should haves.”

I should have taken better care of Raymond.

I should have looked harder for a cure for Raymond.

I should have made his favorite meals more often.

I should have taken him to other cancer hospitals.

I should have done more.

There should have been something else I could have done for him.

I should have kept my mom from signing another lease after Raymond died.

I should have moved mom in with me a year earlier.

I should have been more aware of what was going on with my mother.

Etc.

It is like a never ending loop in my mind right now.

It will get better. It is just a really rough time.