Goodbye Mom and Thanks

My Mom passed away today around 3:00 p.m
.

I think it was the best ending we could have hoped for, I’m sure she planned it out.

I worked today and left a little after 2:30 and drove straight to the nursing home. When I got to her room there was a man and woman with her. They told me they were doing a sonogram that the Dr. had ordered. I asked if it was on her abdomen and they said no, her legs. I said that I would stay in there with them. During all of this exchange Mom could not see me because I was behind the curtain. When I poked my head around the curtain Mom gave me the most glorious smile and waved at me. I walked to the other side of the twin bed and she was gone. That quick.

Thank you Mom for waiting to let me see that smile and for the wave.

Thank you for all the sacrifices you made to make my life better.

I will miss you, but I know that you are with Dad, Raymond, Bob, and your Mom and Pop, along with many, many others.

I love you Mom.

George Carlin 1937-2008

There are many tributes to George Carlin on the internet and in the newspapers. All of the ones I have read have been really great.

I always liked George Carlin, and he always made me laugh, but the greatest thing to me about George Carlin was he made Raymond laugh. He brought joy to Raymond during some very difficult times in Raymond's cancer treatments. That is how I will remember George Carlin, as someone that made Raymond laugh. and therefore brought happiness to my heart.

Can You Be Depressed While on an Antidepresssant?

I really thought everything was going okay with the new dose and the scheduling of my antidepressant until Mom went into the nursing home. Now, I'm not so sure.

All I want to do before going there is sleep and when I get home from there all I want to do is sleep. Everyone keeps telling me that I do not need to go every day, but yes I do. I need to make sure she is okay.

Fortunately she is being very well taken care of and is actually starting to take herself around in her wheelchair.

I just do not do well without some type of long term plan, and there is no plan where she is concerned. Each day something new comes up. Today when we got there she had taken everything out of her closet and had it ready to go because she was moving "tomorrow" to go live with her mother.

This is not how she was suppose to end up. She should still be out having fun with her friends and enjoying her life.

I'm definitely depressed. I think I will go to sleep.

SNAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!!

A few minutes ago I started down the hall to go to the bathroom and as I turned the corner something caught my eye. It was a SNAAAAAAAKE coming out of MY bedroom.

I went and made my youngest get out of the pool and catch it. He managed to get it into a bucket, but when he took it outside it jumped out of the bucket into one of my flower pots. I don't care as long as it is outside.

I hope I can sleep tonight. Even though it was only a very thin snake about 1 1/2 feet long, it was still a SNAAAAAAAAKE in MY bedroom.

Daughter, but No Name

The boys and I went to see Mom tonight. She told us she was very happy in the nursing home.

I asked her if she knew who I was and she said I was her daughter. I asked her if she knew my name. She said "no."

She also did not know the boys' names, but knew they were my sons.

It makes me sad, but I am so glad she is happy.

Busy, Busy, Busy

My Mom's sister from Tucson has been in and out visiting for the last couple of weeks. Last Friday she came to stay until yesterday. We had a very nice visit and it was wonderful to have someone to talk to about Mom.

We went to see Mom several times each day, and were able to get a better feel of what she needs in the nursing home.

Between visiting Mom, and my working, we also managed to go see Highland Springs, a retirement community my aunt is considering, visit several wonderful quilt shops, have some wonderful meal, and some good laughs.

I am very grateful to my aunt for taking the time out of her vacation to give me some much needed support.

Brain Exhaustion

Seeing Mom today was horrible. The last few weeks have been horrible, but today was pretty much the pits. My brain it terribly exhausted.

It is my College Girl's birthday and I did squat. I did not mail her gift in time. I did not call her. It was as if dialing the phone and opening my mouth to speak would just take more energy than I had.

I'm only writing this because if I do not get this off my mind I will never sleep.

L-I love you, and I know you will understand because you are my friend. Happy Birthday!

Nursing Home

We moved Mom to the nursing home today.

I was a little shocked that they had removed her foley catheter before transporting her. Is she supposed to suddenly be able to walk to the bathroom when she hasn't been out of bed for a month?

I do not know how I feel about the whole thing.

Great Night!

We went to see the Might Marvelous Four tonight at an outdoor concert. Our good friend, J, went with us and we were all ready to have a good night of music, quilting (me), comic game (the boys and J).

Soon after we sat down, I noticed this very slow walking man with a chair coming up the sidewalk, and I do mean slow walking. As I started looking around, I noticed that there was a group of adults sitting together, and that all of them seemed to have some challenge in their life.

I then looked around and noticed that the slow walking man had kept on walking past the group. I kept an eye on him because I was afraid he might belong to the group and then get lost. It wasn't long before the leader of the group noticed him and brought him back to the group. They stopped behind us and had a conversation and I heard her tell him she would have to "find out where it was." I asked her if they needed the bathroom. She said "yes" and I told her my oldest knew where it was. I asked him to tell them, but I could tell that it might be a challenge for the man to find the location in the crowd, so I asked the oldest to take him.

It turned out to be a trip to the bathroom that took well over an hour, but it was an hour that probably changed all of our lives. Daniel, or Danny, is a wonderful man that had been in an accident and was in a coma for 8 months. He had many injuries. He found it amazing that they had replaced his knee while he was in the coma. His father died while he was in the coma and his whole life changed. Danny was born in 1966.

Danny's biggest joy is giving out pennies. He gave all of us pennies for luck. He told us that he gave a penny to one lady and she won $20,000.00. His house mother said she played the lottery one night after he told her it was her lucky day and gave her a penny and she won $295.00. We promised Danny we would try our hand at the lottery tonight. I also promised that if we won I would send my oldest back to Europe for a vacation. (Evidently they changed life stories in that hour long walk.)

When we left the concert we went to play the lottery. Both boys won $5.00 with the scratch offs I bought them. (broke even there) Now I am waiting for the numbers to be drawn for my cards.

Danny changed all of our lives tonight with good music playing in the background. I am so glad that we had a chance to meet him. I'll never see a penny again without thinking of him and lessons he taught by boys tonight. One lesson was what can happen if you drive around loaded with cocaine or any other drug. Danny was very open about things he did that he should not have and he told my boys that they should never do drugs. He praised them for doing well in school and told them to stay in school and continue to make high marks.

Danny is a very special man, and he blessed our lives tonight by sharing his time with us.

Enjoyed it Even More

Okay, so I sat up until 1:00 a.m. last night doing something I never do. I watched the deleted scences and music content of "Love Actually."

My family seldom watches deleted scenes, and when they do, I am usually up and around and not paying any attention, but I did not want this movie to end.

I sat and cried through some of the deleted scenes. I know they could not allow this movie to be three hours, but I really would have sat through a three hour dvd for this movie.

Some people that have seen this movie are probably wondering what in the heck I'm talking about. This is a disjointed movie, with so many British actors it is hard to understand, etc. However, this movie was just like the books I like, lots of characters, lots of story lines so that it is just like living in a community while you are reading.

So Uplifting

I just finished watching "Love, Actually."

It just lifted my heart. I loved it.

Just watching a movie that makes me feel this way will get me through many bad days.

WHOA! Where did that come from?

The boys are in Washington D.C. for a few days on a tour.

I worked today and then went to see Mom. On the way home I ran some errands, picked up dinner and came home.

When I pulled into the driveway I actually looked to see if Raymond's car was home yet because I was so looking forward to talking to him about my day and asking him about his.

WHOA! Where did that come from?

A Little Freaked Out

I stopped by Wendy's tonight to get my dinner. It was pretty busy and there was a line in the drive thru.

After I ordered, I turned the corner and was waiting to pay and pick up the order. My window was down and I really was not thinking about anything in particular, and I was not really aware of what was going on around me other than the fact the line was not moving.

I heard "Passenger - Hands in the Air!" but it did not really register.

Then I heard "Driver - Hands in the Air!"

"DRIVER - HANDS IN THE AIR NOW!"

Well that certainly registered. I started looking around. Where was the police officer? Who was he talking to? Was he talking to me? Did I look like I had a passenger? What was happening? Did I dare roll my car forward in the line?

I am starting to get a little freaked out.

I am afraid to look around too frantically, because if the police are surrounding my car I don't want to look suspicious.

There it was again. "HANDS IN THE AIR NOW!"

I am looking in the mirrors and I do not see any sign of the police. What is going on?

Then I see it. The car in front of me has their windows down and there is a dvd playing. Is that what I am hearing?

Just to be sure when I pick up my food I drive around the whole building and the parking lot behind it. No police cars any where.

HAHAHA on me.

It might take all night for my heart to go back to a regular beat, but at least I am not in jail.

I Guess You Never Forget That Feeling

Today I witnessed a group of 14 year old girls that just brought back horrible feelings of what it is like to be an "outsider" when you are a teenager. There were at least 8 of them, maybe more. All of them had the same haircut but one, but then she had very curly hair that really would not work with the "chosen style." They were all thin, some excruciatingly so. All of them had very stylish, up to date "teenager" clothes on, with cute handbags, and all the accessories. They were in a giggling cluster and you none of the other 14 year olds were entering the cluster.

I was observing them and wondering what it must be like to have girls and have groups like that in and out of your home all the time when I spotted the "outsider." The girl with the "wrong" haircut, "wrong" clothes, no accessories, and not thin. She was not obese, or really overweight, she just looked as if she has just started puberty and still has some chubbiness.

The cluster did not speak to her. Did not invite her over.

I kept observing and then took stock of myself. I realized I was reliving the early days of high school, when I had moved to another state in the middle of my freshman year, and I did not fit in at all. My stomach felt knotted and I could look at the cluster and name those girls, only the names I could give them belong to women that are around 50 now with families of their own.

Then I laughed about how I could still remember how much it hurt to be an outsider, when now I am proud of the fact that I am an outsider. I was amazed that I could still remember that knotted feeling.

I hope that the "outsider" girl I observed will not remain an outsider for long. I pray she has a friend of two that are real friends that will be with her for years and years. Clusters tend to change weekly, if not daily as to who is in and who is not. I hope that when she sees a cluster as a grown up, she laughs and realizes that being part of a cluster as a teenager does not (at least should not) define you as an adult.

Lies, Lies, Lies, and More Lies

There are certain people you just expect to fudge the truth when they talk to you...car salesmen, Fry's technicians when they have been holding your son's computer hostage for months, and the saleswoman in the boutique that must make her sales quota and tells you that your hindquarters look much thinner with 4 inch yellow stripes going across. These people fudge the truth because they need to make a sale or keep you as a client and they have bills and families to feed just like you do at the end of the day. I get it. I factor it into my decision making and go on with my life.

What I do not get is why a family member has to lie to me about things that matter, especially how my mother behaves in their presence. Those lies just make me really angry.

I get it. This family member is in serious denial. Always has been, always will be. This person is selfish, narcissistic, and a liar, but they are family and I love this person as much as I can. However, the years of constant denial and lies are starting to wear me down. I need this person to step up to the plate and tell the truth. I need this person to give me a break by being an adult for a change.

It will not happen. The lies will continue. In the end nothing will change. The responsibility will still all be on my shoulders. This person will never see how much my shoulders are sagging, or how much every decision takes another piece of me.

At least this blog gives me a way to release some of my anger so that I can go about my day without my head exploding.

Decision Out of My Hand Now

I have always wondered what would happen if I had to make the decision to put my Mom in a nursing home. I never thought I could do it, but the decision is out of my hands now.

Her doctor called me tonight and said that we needed to consider moving her into a skilled nursing facility next week.

I thought I would be very devastated when this finally happened, but Mom has not been asking to come home. She keeps telling me how much she likes the place she is in now. I will just have to hope and pray she will like the next place.

I do know that there is no possible way for me to care for her as she is now. I just can't. She requires too much care.

I'm glad that I did not have to make the decision to put her into a nursing home on my own. It is easier to know that the doctors have taken that decision out of my hands.

Kudos to my Girls

I have two friends, who happen to be best friends with each other. I consider these two extraordinary women to be my daughters.

I tell them all the time how proud I am of them and their accomplishments.

For the past two years they have cycled in the MS150. They have not completed the complete course, but they will.

They are extremely generous in their charitable contributions.

They support their friends and family.

They treat my boys as if they were their big sisters.

They send me Mother’s Day cards.

I am always amazed at how bold they are in trying new things and putting themselves out there. I cannot wait until the day I watch them on the Amazing Race (I have great faith that they will do something like that some time in the future).

I just wanted to put it out here in cyberspace about how I proud I am of Loni and Mina. I am very blessed to have them in my life.

Feeling Whiny

First let me say that I know how blessed I am. I have two wonderful boys, I have a nice house, two vehicles that are paid for, a mortgage I can make payments on, and a little savings. I know I am blessed, especially compared millions of others in the world.

But, I just feel whiny tonight. I know it is because I am very tired. These weeks of Mom being ill are taking their toll. It is worse now because I cannot get to her easily like before. Now, I have to plan the trip into my day.

I hate where she is, and I am losing sleep over it, but I don't know another solution at the moment without going against the doctor's wishes. Then the question becomes "What if the next place is worse?"

I'm tired. I am always tired. I am inefficient when I am tired. I hate being inefficient.

There is not enough closet space in my house. My house has 5 closets. One of those we had built in when Raymond because disabled. My Mom has the use of 2 of the closets. I have a skinny closet and I cannot hang all my clothes (and I do not have a lot of clothes), the boys share a walk in, but the rods on the sides are very short and we had to add shelves to put clothes on. The other walk in closet was converted by previous owners to be lined from top to bottom with shelves, which we now use to hold the oldest's books and things because he really no longer has a bedroom since Mom moved in. There are clothes stacked all over the house because we cannot find a place to hang them. We are in the process of boxing up the boys' winter clothes, but where will we put those boxes. Yes, we are blessed to have clothes, and 5 closets, but I am feeling very overwhelmed. I cannot stand clutter. I cannot afford to get rid of clothes that still fit my boys because of the cost of replacing the clothes.

So what is really making me whiny. The lack of control in my life. The fact that I cannot just get up, take the youngest to school, go to work, and then come home.

The uncertainty of what will happen to Mom.

The fact that life is passing me by, and I'm not able to enjoy my days.

The fact that I am always the caretaker, and I would like to go away for a month and have someone take care of me. I don't mean a spa or anything like that, but just a place where someone cooks, does the laundry, and cleaning, and I get to read, quilt, nap, and play games whenever I want. Of course, the problem with all of that is that I don't sleep well when I am away from my home, and my bed. I am happiest right here in my own home with my boys.

I'm just feeling whiny.

Dirty Rotten Rodents

We have been cleaning out cabinets.

The mice have been busy, but it is recent busyness. They had taken over one bottom cabinet and had eaten through my oldest's new bag of SunChips. He said he will show them no mercy now.

It did give us a chance to get rid of a lot of stuff we no longer use.

One mouse died during the cleaning. He ran right into the trap. Since we thought we were only seeing one all day we were thrilled, until another one ran right by us as we were going over to the trash can.

Living on acreage ... you have to love it or you would move!

My oldest thought we should leave the dead mouse on the floor and hope the snake would try to eat it, but I said "no."

Too Many Creatures in the House.

There are too many creatures in my house!!!

I love to lie down on the floor and play games with my boys. We hardly ever play on a table unless we have guests.

This morning as I was playing Split with my oldest a mouse ran by us. I told the oldest to go get the mousetraps and move them. He did was he was told, but there was already a dead mouse in one of the traps. We then had the discussion as to who was the last one to have to remove a dead mouse and realized it was the youngest's turn to dispose of this one.

This afternoon after coming home with groceries and the boys carrying them in, I walked into the kitchen only to see the last half of a snake going into one of the cabinets. I screamed, and then yelled snake. My oldest was in front of me and he moved back. He then told me that the next time he would like me to say snake and then scream. I told him that when I see snakes in the house my first response is to scream.

I went and got the youngest and he was all excited. He took everything out of the cabinet and found the snake, but unfortunately, the snake went into a crack before he could grab it. He thought the snake was going towards the under-the-sink cabinet. When he opened that cabinet, there was a mouse, which disappeared before he could get it out.

Unfortunately, the snake is too small to eat a mouse. The mouse probably won't eat a snake.

I am never getting into my cabinets again.

My oldest said he was sick and tired of us having creatures in the house. I then told him that we could go back to putting poison out, but then we risk the chance of hurting animals we love. He said he did not want to put poison out.

For now, I guess we will just have too many creatures in the house.