Grief Weighing Me Down

I have been struggling all week with grief. My lost time with Raymond has been haunting me. I feel as if I can barely walk upright my heart is so heavy.

There has been a lot of tragedy in our community in the past month. Two mothers of children in our school district passed away. Children in another community lost their parents. A young mother died 12 days after giving birth in another community. I grieve so much when I know there are young children left behind in the wake of a quick tragedy. I worry about what will happen to them. Here they are with more than they can possibly understand and the adults around them are dumbstruck with grief. I worry about the children being lost.

I have been grieving for these children, which just leads to me to grieve for my own even more.

I feel so inadequate as a single mother. I lost my sounding board. How will these other families move on? What is the fate of these children to be left without their parent(s) at such a young age? What is the plan for their life?

My father-in-law was always telling me that God would not give me more than I could handle, it was not comforting at all. It just made me want to scream that anything that took Raymond from me was more than I could handle. Now I just want to scream for these children.

As I sit and think about these children and their grief, I start to think about all the children in the world that are suffering. Children that have not only lost their parents, but have lost their homes, and their villages. That grief is there, but it seems so remote in my soul. The grief for these children in our community and here in this area is so acute I feel as if my body will bleed with it. I then start to think about how wrong that is, as these children will be taken care of by the community, there are many children that have nothing, no one, and I am sure a sense of no hope. The grief for the children in the community then begins to feel like guilt.

Human emotions are hard. I miss my Raymond. He would listen to me talk about these feelings I have been having. He would understand like no one else.

Pray for all the children in the world.

Blind Submission by Debra Ginsberg

I have had a love/hate relationship with this book for weeks and I finally finished it.

I picked this book off the library shelf because I thought it looked interesting. When I started reading it, I decided it was anything but interesting and put it aside to return, only to have to pick it up again when it was the only book around when I needed something to read and was to lazy to get out of bed to search for something else.

After a little while there were parts of the book that I found to be intriguing, but for the most part it was a predictable, boring book. It got so I had to finish it just so I could see if the author pulled it out at the end with a surprise, or if it would just be a predictable ending.

No surprise ending, no characters that turned out to be engaging or someone you could cheer on, nothing.

I have completed the book, and I will take it back to the library today, but what a shame the author couldn't pull this book off with something to make it worth the read. This book could have given so much more to the reader.

Choose Laughter Over Bitterness

I was writing a letter today to a friend that probably does not have much longer to live. He is quite elderly and in very poor health, as his body is just wearing out. His wife of many, many years is extremely bitter, as is he about his health, and I find that sad.

Here they are spending what really could be their last few days together and all they can do is complain. Instead of thinking back about their wonderful sixty plus years together, they can only focus on the last two years and how his health has declined.

I can’t help but feel they are wasting precious moments together. Moments that she will want back after he is gone. Moments that could be spent in laughter and with tears of happy times remembered.

It saddens me greatly that they will end their time here together on earth in bitterness.

Raymond and I were bitter in the beginning, but we adjusted to our fate and did all we could to make the best of it. We really tried to set an example for our boys. I think we succeeded. They went with me to see this couple and I could tell from what the boys said afterward that they noticed the couple's attitude and that it really was not helping the situation. Maybe the boys will now understand why Raymond and I laughed at things most people would have found to be extremely disgusting or totally depressing. I can still smile at those laughs.

I pray that this couple finds peace with their fate and learn to laugh in the upcoming days, because it is what will get them through. I fear they will not find peace in the end if they continue on the path they are currently following. I also fear it will only make the wife’s grief more difficult for her and their family.

The Weight of it All Has Not Been Forgotten, the Weight Has Just Been Heavy

I have not forgotten my blog, I just have so much weight on my shoulders right now that I don’t have time to sit down and express my thoughts.

After many months of struggles with memory issues, scammer attacks, and safety worries, my 85-year-old mother has decided to move in with me. We were going to try to have her moved in by the first of December, but due to some very vicious phone scammers, I decided to move up the date to Monday, Oct. 22.

The hurried move was arranged in about 4 days, and would not have been possible without the help of my rock, and other friends. I am so blessed.

The move has not been easy, in more than one way. The move is not over. There are still a lot of things to take care of, but at least my mother is safe and we will adjust after a while.

I am also on several committees right now that take some time, and I have added to my volunteer responsibilities. All good things, just time consuming in my evenings, when I would usually be blogging.

I have reached a long time goal. I am taking quilting classes. I have always wanted to learn to quilt, and I finally took that giant step. I have completed my first square and I am looking forward to finishing my first block soon.

I miss writing my thoughts. I started a post the other night and fell asleep with the computer in my lap. In fact, it has taken me 20 minutes to type this post due to a couple of little naps.

I am hoping that I can get my mom moved in by the end of November. I hope I can keep my sanity in the process. She actually wanted to keep a very small Styrofoam ball that had a face painted on it, despite the fact that the back of the head was all mashed in and there was no body. I told her “no” and she was not happy about it. I think it will be a long month. I hope she will “forget” about a lot of things, and that I will have time to blog it out when she doesn’t.

Angels We Have Seen Up High

Sunday night, October 7, 2007, the boys and I were heading to Denton, TX around 6:45 p.m. and in the western sky there was an amazing sight - a very dark blue cloud in the shape of a mountain, with a pinkish/purple cloud on top shaped like an angel on a pedestal. What a beautiful angel she was. I say she because the head appeared to have long hair. Her wings were very wide and regal looking. The boys and I watched her and discussed her as we continued to drive west. As she seemed to grow larger and more real I started thinking about angels, how unapproachable this one seemed, and how that is not the way I think of angels.

I then started thinking about angel statues I have seen on tombstones and how some of them actually seem scornful and condescending, and that surely is a mistake on the part of the crafter of the tombstone. Maybe I have seen too many movies, and have read too many novels about angels coming to help people, but I like to think of angels looking like normal everyday people that are willing to help people through a tough situation.

Looking at this very haughty, yet beautiful, vision in the sky, I couldn’t help but be a little disturbed by the fact that angels might actually look that way, and therefore would seem unapproachable. Then something happened. The very regal cloud angel passed gas. I started laughing. I had proof that she was a normal angel putting on a façade. My sons asked why I was laughing and I told them to look at the little puff of cloud that had broken off the angel in a strategic spot. I said that the angel had tooted (only I used the word that teenage boys usually use). They laughed too, and then I said what my boys are always reminding me of when I say something irreverent – “I’m going to Hell.”

As the week has gone by, I have thought of that angel many times. There she was looking over the world in a form that was totally recognizable to anyone whether or not they believe in angels. If she had appeared in the sky in the form of a grandmotherly type would anyone have recognized her as an angel?

I am very sure it was important for that angel to be recognizable at that moment, whether for my family or another family. I know that I have not forgotten her.

Great Reading of Raymond's Favorite Poem

Raymond really enjoyed poetry. One of his favorites was "The Cremation of Sam McGee" by Robert Service.

There is a great reading of this poem on YouTube. ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lBkuz1TlVc

Goodbye Lisa - October 4, 2007

Lisa Moore died of cancer on October 4, 2007 in the Funky Winkerbean comic.

In they October 5, 2007 Funky Winkerbean, Les Moore is shown wondering if he had done everything he could have done.
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/funky.asp

Welcome to the world of a surviving spouse/caretaker Les. That is a question I ask myself on a daily basis. It is a question I will never be able to answer.