I Guess You Never Forget That Feeling

Today I witnessed a group of 14 year old girls that just brought back horrible feelings of what it is like to be an "outsider" when you are a teenager. There were at least 8 of them, maybe more. All of them had the same haircut but one, but then she had very curly hair that really would not work with the "chosen style." They were all thin, some excruciatingly so. All of them had very stylish, up to date "teenager" clothes on, with cute handbags, and all the accessories. They were in a giggling cluster and you none of the other 14 year olds were entering the cluster.

I was observing them and wondering what it must be like to have girls and have groups like that in and out of your home all the time when I spotted the "outsider." The girl with the "wrong" haircut, "wrong" clothes, no accessories, and not thin. She was not obese, or really overweight, she just looked as if she has just started puberty and still has some chubbiness.

The cluster did not speak to her. Did not invite her over.

I kept observing and then took stock of myself. I realized I was reliving the early days of high school, when I had moved to another state in the middle of my freshman year, and I did not fit in at all. My stomach felt knotted and I could look at the cluster and name those girls, only the names I could give them belong to women that are around 50 now with families of their own.

Then I laughed about how I could still remember how much it hurt to be an outsider, when now I am proud of the fact that I am an outsider. I was amazed that I could still remember that knotted feeling.

I hope that the "outsider" girl I observed will not remain an outsider for long. I pray she has a friend of two that are real friends that will be with her for years and years. Clusters tend to change weekly, if not daily as to who is in and who is not. I hope that when she sees a cluster as a grown up, she laughs and realizes that being part of a cluster as a teenager does not (at least should not) define you as an adult.

Lies, Lies, Lies, and More Lies

There are certain people you just expect to fudge the truth when they talk to you...car salesmen, Fry's technicians when they have been holding your son's computer hostage for months, and the saleswoman in the boutique that must make her sales quota and tells you that your hindquarters look much thinner with 4 inch yellow stripes going across. These people fudge the truth because they need to make a sale or keep you as a client and they have bills and families to feed just like you do at the end of the day. I get it. I factor it into my decision making and go on with my life.

What I do not get is why a family member has to lie to me about things that matter, especially how my mother behaves in their presence. Those lies just make me really angry.

I get it. This family member is in serious denial. Always has been, always will be. This person is selfish, narcissistic, and a liar, but they are family and I love this person as much as I can. However, the years of constant denial and lies are starting to wear me down. I need this person to step up to the plate and tell the truth. I need this person to give me a break by being an adult for a change.

It will not happen. The lies will continue. In the end nothing will change. The responsibility will still all be on my shoulders. This person will never see how much my shoulders are sagging, or how much every decision takes another piece of me.

At least this blog gives me a way to release some of my anger so that I can go about my day without my head exploding.

Decision Out of My Hand Now

I have always wondered what would happen if I had to make the decision to put my Mom in a nursing home. I never thought I could do it, but the decision is out of my hands now.

Her doctor called me tonight and said that we needed to consider moving her into a skilled nursing facility next week.

I thought I would be very devastated when this finally happened, but Mom has not been asking to come home. She keeps telling me how much she likes the place she is in now. I will just have to hope and pray she will like the next place.

I do know that there is no possible way for me to care for her as she is now. I just can't. She requires too much care.

I'm glad that I did not have to make the decision to put her into a nursing home on my own. It is easier to know that the doctors have taken that decision out of my hands.

Kudos to my Girls

I have two friends, who happen to be best friends with each other. I consider these two extraordinary women to be my daughters.

I tell them all the time how proud I am of them and their accomplishments.

For the past two years they have cycled in the MS150. They have not completed the complete course, but they will.

They are extremely generous in their charitable contributions.

They support their friends and family.

They treat my boys as if they were their big sisters.

They send me Mother’s Day cards.

I am always amazed at how bold they are in trying new things and putting themselves out there. I cannot wait until the day I watch them on the Amazing Race (I have great faith that they will do something like that some time in the future).

I just wanted to put it out here in cyberspace about how I proud I am of Loni and Mina. I am very blessed to have them in my life.

Feeling Whiny

First let me say that I know how blessed I am. I have two wonderful boys, I have a nice house, two vehicles that are paid for, a mortgage I can make payments on, and a little savings. I know I am blessed, especially compared millions of others in the world.

But, I just feel whiny tonight. I know it is because I am very tired. These weeks of Mom being ill are taking their toll. It is worse now because I cannot get to her easily like before. Now, I have to plan the trip into my day.

I hate where she is, and I am losing sleep over it, but I don't know another solution at the moment without going against the doctor's wishes. Then the question becomes "What if the next place is worse?"

I'm tired. I am always tired. I am inefficient when I am tired. I hate being inefficient.

There is not enough closet space in my house. My house has 5 closets. One of those we had built in when Raymond because disabled. My Mom has the use of 2 of the closets. I have a skinny closet and I cannot hang all my clothes (and I do not have a lot of clothes), the boys share a walk in, but the rods on the sides are very short and we had to add shelves to put clothes on. The other walk in closet was converted by previous owners to be lined from top to bottom with shelves, which we now use to hold the oldest's books and things because he really no longer has a bedroom since Mom moved in. There are clothes stacked all over the house because we cannot find a place to hang them. We are in the process of boxing up the boys' winter clothes, but where will we put those boxes. Yes, we are blessed to have clothes, and 5 closets, but I am feeling very overwhelmed. I cannot stand clutter. I cannot afford to get rid of clothes that still fit my boys because of the cost of replacing the clothes.

So what is really making me whiny. The lack of control in my life. The fact that I cannot just get up, take the youngest to school, go to work, and then come home.

The uncertainty of what will happen to Mom.

The fact that life is passing me by, and I'm not able to enjoy my days.

The fact that I am always the caretaker, and I would like to go away for a month and have someone take care of me. I don't mean a spa or anything like that, but just a place where someone cooks, does the laundry, and cleaning, and I get to read, quilt, nap, and play games whenever I want. Of course, the problem with all of that is that I don't sleep well when I am away from my home, and my bed. I am happiest right here in my own home with my boys.

I'm just feeling whiny.

Dirty Rotten Rodents

We have been cleaning out cabinets.

The mice have been busy, but it is recent busyness. They had taken over one bottom cabinet and had eaten through my oldest's new bag of SunChips. He said he will show them no mercy now.

It did give us a chance to get rid of a lot of stuff we no longer use.

One mouse died during the cleaning. He ran right into the trap. Since we thought we were only seeing one all day we were thrilled, until another one ran right by us as we were going over to the trash can.

Living on acreage ... you have to love it or you would move!

My oldest thought we should leave the dead mouse on the floor and hope the snake would try to eat it, but I said "no."

Too Many Creatures in the House.

There are too many creatures in my house!!!

I love to lie down on the floor and play games with my boys. We hardly ever play on a table unless we have guests.

This morning as I was playing Split with my oldest a mouse ran by us. I told the oldest to go get the mousetraps and move them. He did was he was told, but there was already a dead mouse in one of the traps. We then had the discussion as to who was the last one to have to remove a dead mouse and realized it was the youngest's turn to dispose of this one.

This afternoon after coming home with groceries and the boys carrying them in, I walked into the kitchen only to see the last half of a snake going into one of the cabinets. I screamed, and then yelled snake. My oldest was in front of me and he moved back. He then told me that the next time he would like me to say snake and then scream. I told him that when I see snakes in the house my first response is to scream.

I went and got the youngest and he was all excited. He took everything out of the cabinet and found the snake, but unfortunately, the snake went into a crack before he could grab it. He thought the snake was going towards the under-the-sink cabinet. When he opened that cabinet, there was a mouse, which disappeared before he could get it out.

Unfortunately, the snake is too small to eat a mouse. The mouse probably won't eat a snake.

I am never getting into my cabinets again.

My oldest said he was sick and tired of us having creatures in the house. I then told him that we could go back to putting poison out, but then we risk the chance of hurting animals we love. He said he did not want to put poison out.

For now, I guess we will just have too many creatures in the house.