I Wish I Could be Sure

Mathew wrote in one of his comments: “Thank you Cheryl. I think you guys are gonna be OK.” I wish I could be sure of that.

So many people comment to me about how strong I am; how much they admire me; or how I am an inspiration to them. I don’t feel like I am worthy of any of those comments.

Every time I have to make a big decision I get so filled with panic, especially if it involves spending money. Raymond quit helping me make decisions in 2005. I remember the day he refused to help me decide on whether or not to fix my old van or buy a new one. I was furious. He saw it as preparing me for the future. I saw it as his way of giving up. He reminded me that I made most of the decisions any way, so it wasn’t a big deal. He did not understand that I made the big decisions after we had sounded ideas off of each others, and I was not ready to give that up.

I have good friends that let me bounce my thoughts around about decisions I need to make, but it is not the same as having Raymond here. When I bounced ideas off of Raymond I was talking to someone else that was truly invested in the decision because it affected his future and lifestyle as much as mine.

Will I ever stop feeling overwhelmed? Where is this strength everyone keeps talking about?

Mathew – why do you think we are “gonna be OK?” What are you seeing that I am not?

Some people will say, oh she is just have a “pity me” day, but if I am, it has been a really long day. I don’t think I have ever made a decision without agonizing over it. It is that agonizing that stops me from exploring life the way I dream of. Like this blog, it has been a dream of mine since Raymond started his in 2004. It took me until 2007 to actually set it up and post.

There are days I sit in my chair and think about how life is passing me by because I do not reach for my dreams. You would think that after watching Raymond live each day to its fullest and the watching his death I would be out going crazy trying to fill each moment with life and all its blessing, but I am not. I am sitting here wondering if the boys are ok, if I am ok. So Mathew – what do you see?

Weighing in for March

Last night was the last TOPS weigh in for March. I had my third loss in a row, meaning I lost weight three weeks in a row. My loss for March was 3.5 pounds. I wish it was ten pounds, but I am so thrilled I didn’t gain weight this month.

I need to lose 70 pounds. If you take off what I have lost, gained and then lost again since January, 2007, then I only have 68 pounds more to lose to reach my goal weight. If I figure a loss of approximately 3 pounds a month, I could reach goal in a little less than two years. If I can continue to lose 3 pounds each month, then I might reach my goal by the time I am 50. If I reach my goal, I will weigh twelve pounds less than I weighed when I got married.

Of course being able to lose 3 pounds a month seems impossible to me. I am a stress eater, and I definitely have stress. I also love food. Not necessarily cakes, cookies, chips, etc., but real food, especially Mexican cuisine and Tex-Mex. Sometimes I start thinking about a food and I think I will go crazy if I don’t get that particular flavor. I remember getting a bad report from one of Raymond’s doctors and craving M&M’s. I went to Kroger’s and ate the whole bag in the parking lot of Kroger’s. It was not the giant bag, but it certainly wasn’t the one by the checkout counter either. That hasn’t happened again, and I do not want it to happen again, but at that moment I really thought I would go crazy without a bag of M&M’s. I don’t even like M&M’s very much.

I am doing better. I have been reading You: On a Diet, not beginning to end, but in bits and pieces. Some of the ideas are really sticking with me, and I am noticing that I can make myself feel satisfied longer, without overdoing the calories.

The saddest part about my weight problem is that I know what I need to do to lose weight. My degree is in dietetics. I did not become a registered dietician because I discovered soon after graduation that I did not like the job, but I did learn all about what to do to take care of myself. Unfortunately, I don’t do it. I equate my having a degree in dietetics and being obese to when I would sit outside M.D. Anderson Cancer Center and watch the doctors and nurses smoke. Those doctors and nurses know that cigarettes can kill them, just as I know being obese can kill me, and yet they still smoke, and I still eat high calorie foods.

I have been walking an average of fifteen miles a week. I go to the local rec center and use their indoor walking track. Most days a good friend goes with me. It is amazing how much a walking partner helps me reach my goal of three miles.

Next week is the first weigh in of April. I’m not going to say I'm hoping for a loss, I'm going to say I'm working towards a loss.

HA - I Fooled Them

I fooled the Direct Energy people. Tonight I went to their website and set up an account for my mother. Once logged on I was able to get a copy of her recent bill, the one that we did not receive, and is now overdue. I did not need a validation code.

Tomorrow I will pay the bill online. I signed up for e-bills in the future.

Why did they have to make this so hard? Why didn't I think of going to the website hours ago instead of being upset all evening? I pay most of my bills online - why didn't I immediately think of doing that for my mother?

At least I won't lie awake worrying about that bill all night, I can pick something else off my list of worries instead.

I Just Want to Pay the Bill!!!!

My mother has memory issues. It is because of these memory issues that last month I took over paying her bills. It is also because of this memory issue that I am having trouble organizing a system to date. She cannot find her previous statements, and I cannot figure out the due dates for certain bills. We did spend a day on the phone calling all her service providers and arranging for the billing address to change to my address.

In the past few days I have become concerned because a bill has not come in this month for Direct Energy, her electric company. All the other bills have come in, but not one for the electric service. So today I decided to call Direct Energy and ask them when the bill is due, is it past due, and if I could please pay it if this was the case. I have to say that the customer service representative was extremely nice. However, I still do not know if the bill is due, past due, how much it is, etc.

It turns out that in order to get that information I need a four digit validation code. It doesn’t matter that I gave them the account number, my mother’s service address, my mailing address, etc. and the Direct Energy representative told me she had the account in front of her on the computer, without the four digit validation code, they can tell me nothing. They did state that they could take my credit card number and pay the bill; they just could not give me the amount of the bill. I politely told them that I was not giving them my credit card number so they could charge an unknown amount to my account.

The customer service rep did give me ideas on how I could figure out the code, such as my mother’s birthday (no); the last four digits of her SSN (no); my father’s birthday (no, but it has more than 4 numbers so we did try combinations); and several other numbers that might have meant something to my mother at the time she set up the account, including my birthday (no).

I have to admit that by this time I was in tears. I have no idea what number was used to set up the validation code for this account. My mother has no idea, and said she doubts she ever will. I cannot access the information without this validation code.

Direct Energy did say I could fax over a Power of Attorney, but my mother does not want them having that information. She says it is none of their business, and until she wants her legal documents released they will not be released. She is still in enough control that I do not use the Power of Attorney; I just pay the bills for her from her account.

I could understand the need for this code if I was trying to change or disconnect her service, but
I just want to pay the bill. I have never run across this situation before.

My mother said she knows how she wants to solve it – just change companies. I told her that she would still owe money to Direct Energy; it was just a secret as to how much.

I could just call and start guessing numbers, my son said there were only some 3,000 possible combinations, so that could take a while, and I doubt very much they would have the patience to put up with that, no matter how nice their customer service representatives are when you call.

I just want to pay the bill.

A Gift of Expression

My oldest will be 17 soon. He wanted a web hosting account as his birthday gift, so I gave it to him early so he could work on his website over his Spring Break. He finished it up last night with a few kinks to still be worked out (.fakeplacecomic.com) Now he wants people to read his website.

I am bad about trying to make his wishes my commands so I added a section to this blog called "Links I Like." Since I don't really have very many links that I just have to visit, it will probably be a feature that is seldom used.

Not Going to Analyze Today

I have been dreading this day for weeks. I did not know how I would get through it. This is the date of the day the doctor told me Raymond was dying. I fully expected this day to be a day of tears, depression, and out-of-control eating. In reality, I have had a good day. It has been full of laughs, good friends, my boys, a weight loss at TOPS weigh in, and dancing. Yes, I was dancing on my front sidewalk this afternoon as I grilled hot dogs for lunch.

At one point I stopped and said this is wrong, I shouldn’t be happy today, and, yet, I could not make myself feel sad. I started to beat myself up about dancing, but then I remembered how Raymond would talk to me about not dwelling on his death, but on the good times. I decided it was okay to be happy, dancing, and enjoying the day. It came to me that if I keep looking on the calendar and remembering dates when bad things have happened, or bad news was delivered, I might never have a good day again.

At this time last year I was sitting in an ICU room holding Raymond’s hand and fully expecting him to be dead by dawn. March 20, 2006 started out with me calling an ambulance and rushing to the ER hoping to get there soon after Raymond. Raymond could not breathe and he was tortured. As I was filling out the forms I heard the doctor ask Raymond if he wanted a ventilator. He said “yes.” I had to step into the room and tell them absolutely not, and then tell Raymond that it was not what he wanted. I asked that they give him morphine immediately. I told Raymond to stop fighting, and that it was okay to let go if he wanted to. He thanked me for telling him that and we cried. I was then called out of the room to talk to his doctor on the phone. She told me that this was “it” and that he probably wouldn’t make it through the night.

They stabilized Raymond and moved him to ICU. They told me that they would get us anything we needed. I started calling friends to make arrangements for the boys to come to say goodbye to their father. The hospital started making arrangements for me to meet with hospice. It was surreal. I was trying to make all these arrangements while not leaving Raymond’s side and still take in all that was happening to us. No one had told me this was coming. How did we end up in ICU with doctors telling me my husband only had hours to live?

The day wore on. The boys arrived at the hospital and amazing enough Raymond woke up and weakly spoke to them. He told them that he loved them and that he didn’t know what was going to happen. The boys left and I settled in for a long night.

I sat holding Raymond’s hand in this very uncomfortable chair scared and listening as he would stop breathing for what seemed like hours, but was probably only seconds. His chest rattled and I would wonder if that was the death rattle I had always heard about from friends and family of people that had died. I was so scared, and yet so not there in that moment.

Around 1 a.m. a wonderful nurse came in to see us. She told me that they would not be bothering us very much during the night because they really did not have a lot to do for Raymond. She then said I looked uncomfortable and that was not necessary. She completely moved Raymond’s bed around, found me a recliner, and made sure that I had pillows so that I could rest while holding his hand. She then came back in around 3 a.m. and said she had a few minutes to talk. She asked me if anyone had told me what to expect. I told her that I still wasn’t sure how we even got to the hospital. She proceeded to tell me about the dying process. She made me feel like I was more in control. Knowledge always helped me through Raymond’s illness. The unknown always freaked me out. I would be a nervous wreck waiting for test results, but when they would tell me that I’m going to have to stick my finger into an open wound for about 3 weeks until it healed and why I had to do that, I would be just fine.

Raymond made it through the night. By mid morning he was watching television and talking to visitors while I set up hospice. Our youngest called and wanted to come to leave school and come to the hospital, and the school was nice enough to bring him to me. Then it was Raymond and his youngest boy watching cartoons while I continued to call friends to help me set up the hospital bed, etc. At ten o’clock on the 21^st we were home and settling into life with hospice. The nurse finally left at 1 a.m. on the 22^nd and once again I was in a recliner holding Raymond’s hand because the nurse said three days at the most, and I was determined he would not die without me right there by his side.

Raymond did not die within 3 days, and we had many more good days together. So maybe my dancing today was all about celebrating the days we had together. Maybe I can stop looking at the calendar for days to cry.

Cooper Lake State Park, South Sulphur Unit

We spent the day hiking at Cooper Lake State Park, the South Sulphur Unit. The five mile loop trail was pleasant, and it wasn’t too hot. The trees are just starting to leaf out, and there were several redbuds in bloom.

We took a picnic. I can’t think of any picnic I have had in Texas that has been pleasant. Usually there is too much wind, or it is too hot, and then there was the time we were attacked by bees. Raymond and I used to laugh about it. I can’t begin to count the times we ended up eating in the car. Today it was windy. We had to hold everything down while we ate. Even with food on the plates they were blowing off the table. Plus it was cold. We had to wear our coats, and yet, when we crossed the road to hike it was really warm.

I was surprised that I got through the hike without crying. Usually when we do something that Raymond and I used to do, or something we did as a family I cry for at least a few minutes.

Raymond used to call me a cheap date because I liked to go hiking when we were in college and living where we did in Kentucky we were able to hike in the National Forest without driving very far. We continued to hike after we got married and moved to Texas and once we had kids we would take them hiking. I want to continue hiking with the boys so that maybe they will continue the tradition with their kids. I’m also going to tell them they shouldn’t marry anyone that won’t hike.