Losing My Mind or Being Gaslighted

I really do not know if I am losing my mind or if my mother is gas lighting me.

The other day I was wondering about something new I had bought my mother. I had not seen it at all. Now it is not something I would buy for myself, so it was very distinctly hers. When I asked her where it was, she denied ever getting it. When I told her she definitely had it, she started looking all through her room for it, and I started out helping her. When it was obvious it was not in her room, I went into the other room to let her have privacy in her room. A few minutes later out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw her heading for my room. I thought it was curious since she never goes that way, but went on about my business. A few minutes later I got curious and went into my room and looked around. There in my drawer was what mom was looking for. I found another part of it in my cabinet.

Now the question in my mind was did the boys put it in my room thinking it was mine when they were cleaning up, or did she put it in my room because she found it in her room and wanted to prove it wasn't in there.

That is the thing. Mom’s memory is so bad, but she will not admit it, so she often denies doing things I know she did. She often denies having things in her room, and when I find them in there she accuses me of somehow sneaking it in there. After a while she is so convincing that I start to think it is me, and that I am losing my mind.

It becomes very disturbing after a while. Always doubting whether or not I did something, or she covered up doing something.

Most people that know my mother think she is so sweet that she would never do anything to mess with my head like that, but then she can bluff through her memory issues when she is with someone for a very short time. Only the boys and I really know how bad it is because we are with her all the time.

I can even understand her trying to hide how bad her memory has gotten. She is a very proud woman, who has gone through a lot in her life, so her memory loss is a hard blow for her to take. She has always been the strong one that took care of everyone, a severely handicapped daughter, her own mother, my father, my family when Raymond was sick, so it must be very difficult to be the one that needs help now.

I tell the boys all the time to pay attention because this could be our future together. My mind could go just as my mother’s has, it is a frightening thing to see everyday and wonder if that is what your days will be like in the end. Will I be gas lighting them? I hope not, but then again, I might just be losing my mind.