Three Down and I Would Like to Stop Counting

I was sitting in my chair in the living room the other night reading, watching tv and thinking about bedtime when a small mouse ran across the room. I hate that. It happens every year, but oh how I hate it.

I went to bed because I wasn't in the mood to set the traps and I figured the little guy could have one more day on earth.

The next day I set the traps with peanut butter and went about my day. I set two traps next to each other so that I am sure one with get them while they are eating from the other. The next morning there was a mouse in the traps. I put on gloves and just as I bent down to pick him up he moved. It turns out that only his nose was in the trap. The youngest went and got a plastic bin and I put the mouse and the trap in the bin and went out to release him. (We named him Johnny flat nose.)

I reset the trap and caught another mouse the next night - dead this time. I made the oldest dispose of him. He was not happy - the oldest, not the mouse, although I'm sure the mouse was not too happy when the trap closed on him as he was nibbling.

This morning another mouse. This one was snapped by both traps.

Just how many of the little rodents are in the house this year? Oh well, I have plenty of peanut butter, but I am running out of disposable gloves. I sure would like to stop counting and be mouseless. Or is it miceless?

The Green Zone

Last Wednesday the Quilter's Quest store in Princeton, TX had 30% off any material that had green in it. You know I LOVE green. So my quilting friend and I went up there and it was pure bliss for me.

I bought the fabric to make another Blooming Nine Patch to use in my living room.

I could have stayed there all day playing in the fabric, but I had to go to work.

I cannot express the happiness I felt just soaking in all the colors of the fabric, and to be concentrating on just finding material with green ... I was in the zone.

“90 Minutes in Heaven”

I just finished the book “90 Minutes in Heaven” by Don Piper, a Baptist minister. Mr. Piper was in a horrendous car accident and was “dead” for 90 minutes. In the book Mr. Piper describes his visit to heaven. It is not a particularly well written book, but it is very interesting and thought provoking.

Mr. Piper describes being met in heaven by people he had loved in his life that had predeceased him. It made me wonder about who would meet me, or who I would want to meet me, if I was lucky enough to go to heaven. Of course, I would want Raymond to be there waiting, whole and happy. My dad, next to Raymond, is someone I ache to see, but with his mind sharp and clear again. I never met my grandfathers, so that would be nice, along with my grandmothers, aunts and uncles, and my cousin, Eric. I wonder if Eric would still be 7 or if he would be a grown man. I often have dreams of him as a grown man and wonder if he would have been like the man in my dreams if he had not died so young.

There are others I would like to see again. After Raymond was diagnosed with cancer he used to joke about how it was just a matter of time that something had to happen to him after being married to me and how many of my old boyfriends had died before him. I don’t know if I would call them old boyfriends, but three of the boys I dated did die very young. Two of them were ill from childhood, and one developed cancer and died. I would like to see one of them again, just because we always had so many laughs.

I always picture Raymond in heaven with my dad and Raymond’s grandfather. I think they are up there telling stories and watching the over the boys. I often hear Raymond complaining about how I’m taking care of things down here, and my dad telling him I never could use a broom properly.

I think Mr. Piper’s book would be good for people in hospice that are frightened.

I hope that Raymond is enjoying heaven as much as Mr. Piper did in those 90 minutes.

I Have a Social Life

I spent some time with my brother while we were waiting for our mother to get out of surgery. We hardly ever spend any time together. He is nine years older than I am and has lived in California most of my adult life.

My brother was asking me about when I was going to get a social life. I told him I had a social life. I spend as much time with my friends as I can. Then he said I was too young to not have a social life and I should try an internet dating service. The light bulb clicked on for me then - “social life” meant dating.

I told him I was not interested, but he told me I should think about dating soon.

I really am not interested in dating, but if I was I think this would be what I would be looking for in a man (in no particular order):

• Able to do multiple types of home repair, including electrical and plumbing
• Lots of siblings he gets along with, parents nearby if they are pleasant and not meddling, far away if they are not pleasant
• A reader
• Fisherman that is not into boats
• If he was married before and had a bitter divorce (wife’s fault), then any children from the marriage would need to be grown. If there are small children, then he would need to be a widower or on excellent terms with the ex-wife.
• Good job with health insurance
• Not a hunter
• Willing to live in my house (unless he has a nicer one on more property)
• Able to fix my computer when it is not working
• Willing to help clean the house and do laundry
• Not a big traveler.
• An independent or democrat (NOT REPUBLICAN)
• Non-Smoker
• Not jealous of the male friends I have already
• Not jealous of me having lunch or dinner with the girls
• Must like my friends, or at least not speak ill of them and make himself disappear when they are around
• Willing to understand that sometimes I just like to rant and rave, it doesn’t always have to mean anything.
• Dark hair, bald is okay, but not a blonde.
• Taller than me, but that does not take much
• Healthy
• It would be nice if he could use a barbeque grill
• Must have a hobby, and must support my hobbies
• Must appreciate art, and like to go to museums
• Not into spending money on home theater equipment or other expensive toys
• Does not have to like my tv shows, but should be willing to sit in the room with me sometimes and read or work on a hobby while keeping me company
  
• Must keep up with current events and be able to discuss them with me
• Must appreciate my mind

and this is just a partial list.

I’m not sure I will ever find another man that fits my criteria, but that is okay, I am satisfied with my social life.

Spring Flower Fever

I get sick every spring with flower fever. I am so desperate for color in my life after a bleak winter that I could live in one of the garden centers for months once the flowers start coming in.

This year I told everyone I was not going to buy any flowers. I wasn't going to spend the money. Oh, I'm going to plant my usual zinnia seeds (I can grow giant zinnias), but I was not going to buy any flats, pots, etc. In fact, I have been avoiding all the garden centers...until today.

Today I had to go to Lowe's. Yes, I could have gone through the front door, but no I was draw to the garden center. Oh, what glorious colors. It was overwhelming. I really restrained myself and only bought two potted flowering plants, a purple Clematis and a Star Lithodora.

Star Lithodora (click picture for a closer view)

I always say that I don't think I would change my life much if I won the lottery (which I don't play) because I like a simple life but if I did win millions of dollars, I would definitely spend some of the money to surround myself with flowering plants all year.

Mom Had Surgery

Mom had her gallbladder out on Thursday. The surgeon was wonderful. The anesthesiologist was a big A#&HOLE.

Mom spent the night in the hospital for observation, but she was home before noon today. Eating and laughing. I am thrilled it that it doesn't seem to have made her memory any worse than it was before the surgery.

I was worried about it yesterday because she couldn't remember she had surgery, but today she is telling everyone that calls all about it and how she feels.

The nurses were really fabulous.

Beautiful Message, Great Job, Proud of You, Those Are Appropriate Words

I attended Easter “Sonrise” Service this morning at my church. It was led by the youth group and they did a fabulous job. The sermon was delivered by a young girl and she wrote the message herself. It was a strain to hear her over the wind, but it was a wonderful message and I was very impressed.

After the service I went to seek out this girl and tell her how moved I was and how impressed I was by her message. When I found her there was another member of the church with her. He was questioning her about what she learned this morning upon delivering her message. It basically came down to she wasn’t dressed warm enough, she wasn’t prepared for the wind, and one other problem that I can’t remember. I probably can’t remember because I was livid. Yes, he was peppering it with you did a good job but…blah, blah, next time do this, but I did not feel as if it was his place to do anything more than congratulate her and praise her. He definitely should have let her enjoy her time in the church this morning.

I asked my boys if I do that to them after a big special event in their lives, and they both said “No, Never.” Then I asked my oldest about when he was in sports and he said “Yes.” Then we talked about that and decided that was different because in his sport he needed feedback from someone behind him to see what was happening and what needed to be corrected. Even if I have been guilty of this with my boys, I would never consider doing it to a child that wasn’t mine.

I really wanted to take this man outside and talk to him, but having dealt with him in the past, I knew it would be useless. Hopefully, this young girl will be able to overlook this man’s words and know that she did a good job and wrote a beautiful message. I also hope that she is old enough to know to consider the source.

Spring Cleaning

We did our Spring cleaning today. Most people do their Spring cleaning inside the house. We do ours outside.

We cleaned the workshop, breezeway, and patio area. We washed all but one bird feeder out and stored them for the summer and prepared the hooks for the hummingbird feeders. Fire ant killer was spread around, and RoundUp was sprayed on the stray grass coming up through the driveway.

One new addition this year was an electric leaf blower. We used it to clean off the breezeway and to get behind some of the cabinets in the workshop. I couldn't help but feel guilty. Raymond hated leaf blowers due to the noise pollution. At one point when I was cleaning out around the picnic table I stopped and told Raymond that I knew he was not happy, but I wasn't too happy about him not being here to help me clean up around the property so we were even. It made me feel better.

I am so much happier with everything all cleaned up outside. The only thing missing is color. I'm ready for the flowers to start blooming.

Strange Socks

I keep finding strange socks in my dirty clothes. I ask my oldest who they belong to and he always says "maybe they are __________," his roommate. I don't mind doing some of his roommate's laundry; I'm just disturbed by the "maybe" part. Wouldn't they obviously be his roommate's socks? Just how many people are leaving socks in his dorm room?

One thing about it, whoever is buying these strange socks spends a lot more than what I spend on my sons' socks. These are designer socks. Very nice.

Surprise (Can't Tell All ,,, Yet)

I asked a family friend to make a surprise for my oldest's 18th birthday. I went to see it today. It turned out better than I thought and I am very excited about presenting it to my oldest. It turns out that the surprise is even more special than I thought because our friend told me he used wood from Raymond's stash, including wood Raymond had planed himself which makes it a gift from Raymond and me to our oldest.

Now I Can Really Let It Go

There is a person that for years has been trying to “mess” with my reputation. Recent events have irritated me more than usual, and I have been trying to get over the sense of outrage that I feel because this person has it “out” for me for no real reason.

As I went over events in my head last night I came to the conclusion that I have so much more in my life than this person in the way of friendships and love, and if trying to do things to me made this person’s life more bearable then I would let that person have that in their life. After all, I know who I am, as do my real friends. Others, well they will learn in the long run whether I really behave as this person says I do, or not.

So today in church when the scripture was being read, the following words from the reading really jumped out at me. "Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand." "Philippians 2:1-11"

I had already decided to put myself aside, and not to obsess over getting an advantage, but this just confirms it in my mind. Now I can really let it go.

I Need a Bigger Umbrella

My mom has been sick for about 3 weeks with a cough. Pretty much the same symptoms I have had.

I took her to the doctor and he put her on Cipro and she has been confused ever since.

I took her back to the doctor today and he took her off the Cipro, checked her breathing, gave her a breathing treatment, rechecked her and then sent her for a CTScan of her chest and sinuses. It was an all day event, but I felt like we were at least trying to figure out what was going on and was thrilled the Cipro was gone since the other doctor thought her mind would be back to baseline when she stopped taking the Cipro.

Late this afternoon the doctor called to tell me that the test revealed things he was not expecting. They found a soft tissue tumor one inch by one 1/2 inches behind her kidney, a spot on one lung, and I believe a spot on her kidney, as well as her gallbladder being full of gallstones to the point of "overflowing." He is ordering another test for the tumor, and sending her to a surgeon for the gallbladder.

My mother is not in pain from the gallbladder. She eats okay. How can I possibly consider putting an 86 year old woman with Alzheimer's in the surgical room?

I guess we will wait for all the tests and make a decision then.

My best friend/sister said tonight that it never seems to sprinkle on me, it just pours. It does seem that way. I guess I better get a bigger umbrella.

Faking It at the Middle School

Last night was open house at the middle school. I went and listened to the orchestra's UIL music and made my youngest mad because "I sat in his line of sight and stared." Actually I was watching this girl in front of him because she was so physical while playing the music she cracked me up. I thought she was going to fall out of her chair swinging her cello from side to side.

Went around to all the teachers and said "Hello." Some of them I really like, and a some of them make me glad I'm not in school again.

I met my youngest's history teacher. He was not available at the meeting they had at the beginning of the school year. He was a very enthusiast person. I liked him a lot. He told me that my son had presented a great report that day on "Alessandro Volta." I smiled and said how proud I was of him. I faked it by acting like I knew just what report had been presented, and then I walked out of the room and whispered to my youngest "What was he talking about?" Not only did I not know that my youngest had prepared a report of this Volta guy, I do not think I have ever heard of him.

There was another teacher that mentioned a different report my youngest had presented. I admitted to that teacher that I had no idea what they were talking about. I know that makes me sound like a horrible mother, but I've raised responsible children that are capable of taking care of their own homework and turning it in on time. I know a lot of the projects my youngest is working on, and he almost always shows me his writing projects, or PowerPoints, but reports are just done and turned in.

I'm a proud mom. I'm proud because he does such a great job on his work, and because I don't have to micromanage his homework. He gets extra credit from me for being responsible.

Job Offer

I was offered another job.

I'm happy where I am.

Nice to know that someone else would be willing to hire me.

I like my job, not crazy about going to work, but I like my job.

Gloomy Blues

I had the gloomy blues today, but so did one of my friends, so we went out on an errand to be gloomy together. I don't know if it made her feel better, but it cheered me a bit.

Cipro the Culprit?

My mom's confusion seems to be getting worse, and she is very aware of it. We went to see her neurologist today and he really believes it is the Cipro she is on for her respiratory infection. He thinks she will be back to baseline in about two weeks. I pray he is right, but I don't know.

In the meantime she is just so very confused. Tonight she asked me if I was ready to take her home. When I told her she lived here in this house, she just looked so defeated because she doesn't recognize this house.

She will really be upset if she realizes the baby turtle is gone. She talks to him all the time.

It is a depressing day in this house.

Our Hearts Are Broken

Our dearest Burry was found dead tonight. My youngest took him out to give him moisture and he was dead. He was my favorite. I used to hold him and talk to him. He was a baby when we got him. He had grown so much. He had the best personality.

Bye Burry. We will miss you.

Block of the Month

My friend and I were out and about in Mesquite yesterday while our boys were in a workshop. We stopped at this quilt shop and they were having a Block of the Month meeting. They let us sit in with them. One of the ladies in attendance started a blog yesterday with pictures of the quilt. It was a very nice quilt. Here is the link to the blog: http://sewbea.blogspot.com/

I wish the shop was closer. I really enjoyed looking around there. They had a sewing machine there with green trim. Oooooh.

I Am Now One of the Unknown

It finally happened. My mother woke up today and did not know me.

I did not realize at first that she did not know me. I was fixing her breakfast and she asked me if I knew her brothers. I said “yes.” She then asked me how I knew them. I asked her who I was and she said she really did not know. I told her, but she looked confused.

Later in the day she asked me if I knew her son.

Even later in the day she asked me if I only had one son.

She keeps asking me if anyone knows where she is, she is afraid no one can find her.

It is shocking to me. Yesterday was her 86^th birthday. Her sisters called her for her birthday as did two of her grandsons. I was here when she spoke to them. She did great talking to her sisters, she faltered a little speaking to my nephew, but when my oldest called I could tell she was very confused. It seems that she thought he was here in the house.

Last night she was afraid to go to her bedroom because she wasn’t sure where it was located in the house. When I took her to her room she was surprised that all her furniture was in there.

I can’t believe how everything just changed overnight.

She has forgotten a lot of people in the last year, but they were mostly people that live far away. I can’t believe that I am now one of the unknown.

The Goal Not Reached

When Raymond was diagnosed none of his doctors thought he would live as long as he did. I remember towards the end when Dr. J from Dallas called Dr. B in Houston and asked if he had any more suggestions for treatment and Dr. B said “He’s still alive?”

The last time Dr. N saw us he said he never thought he would see Raymond again after the last time he treated him, and he flat out told us he knew he wouldn’t see us again. That was a kick in the gut.

I never listened to any of them because Raymond and I had a goal. The goal was for him to live to see both boys graduate from high school. I never thought we wouldn’t make it. I knew that he might not actually get to go to the graduations, but I never thought he wouldn’t be here for them on their big day.

We had decided that if he could live that long then the boys would be set for life. The boys would have picked their college their senior year, and I would be able to do whatever I needed to do to provide for myself.

Now here we are, less than 10 weeks from my oldest graduating and I am falling apart inside. I don’t know if I have enough strength to get through that graduation. I’m so proud of my oldest and all he has accomplished, but the thought of being there without his father seems so wrong.

Oh, I won’t let my oldest know. I’ll enjoy watching him graduate. I’ll hold up on the outside. I won’t let him know all the reasons I am crying.

It is just so hard.

Part of me feels like such a failure for not being able to keep Raymond alive. I mean the poor man could not have fought any harder than he did. He kept himself going through more than anyone can even imagine. The pain, the nausea, and all the rest that I am not ready to discuss yet, it was more than most people could get through. A lot of people would have let go after the first few years.

How am I going to get through May 9^th?

I can almost hear Raymond telling me how disappointed he is in me for not moving through the grief faster. I will never get over grieving the fact that my boys lost their wonderful father.

Raymond and I made lots of goals in our lives, but we weren’t able to keep the most important one.

My Mother, The Master Bluffer

Tonight the phone rang it is was my cousin, whom I've never met, asking to talk to her aunt (my mom). I told her that mom may not be able to figure out who she is, but my cousin said "Oh, she''ll know me."

I gave mom the phone, told her it was "______, you know ______'s daughter, your niece." Mom took the phone and had a wonderful conversation. She was laughing and carrying on, telling _____ about how she loves living so close to my brother, and she is very happy here. She finally said goodbye and handed me back the phone while saying "I have no idea who that was but she seemed really nice."

I told mom that I loved how she could laugh and carry on with people she didn't know, but griped and complained all day to me. She just laughed at me and said "That's how it goes."

Blah

Emotionally Hard Day

This has been an emotionally hard day. Raymond would have been 49 today.

It is so hard not to sit here and think about what could have been, what should have been.

I don't know if the pain will ever go away. I can push it down. I can put on a happy face. I can act like I am moving on, but deep down I'm not.

I feel guilty because Raymond wanted me to move on as quickly as possible. Easy for him to say, he wasn't the one left alone with years and years of grief to deal with.

So many regrets. Not about our life together, but about the life we did not get to live.

I have had a few dreams about Raymond lately. I hardly ever dream about him. In almost all of the recent dreams we seem to be meeting at the end of the day and talking about what we did while we were apart.

I'm glad Raymond got to live as long as he did, I just wish it had been a lot longer, and with me.

Sometimes It Helps

A friend of Raymond's has this tribute to Raymond on his blog. Sometimes it helps me to go read it. http://www.johnbray.name/blog/index.php?itemid=43

Quit Calling Already

The political calls are really getting ridiculous. I can't wait until March 4 is over.

I accidentally answered one tonight. The woman started in on her spiel and I said I could save her some time by telling her I already voted. She then proceeded to ask me who I voted for. I politely told her that I did not care to share that with her. She laughed and hung up.

Why should I tell a perfect stranger who I voted for? Only my closest friends know who I voted for, and really not very many of them.

Neti Pot

My youngest and I just bonded by using a neti pot. We both have allergies, but his are horrible. I don't think he can breathe at any time of year, and he hates the prescriptions because they do not work that well for him. So I bought a neti pot today.

I went first and did the first nostril by myself. After I figured out I wasn't going to drown and it wasn't a horrible experience, I brought him in to watch how it is done. (I watched several videos on the internet before doing it myself ... I not only learned how to use one, but not to use whiskey.)

I was surprised when he didn't balk over trying it. I cleaned it and put in the next batch of lukewarm salt water and off he went. I think it will take several days for him to get the benefit, but since he was outside playing all day at least the allergens were washed out.

I hope we will both receive benefits. I think I can tell a difference already.

Celebrity Death Beeper and Other Such Sites

Okay, here is a weird fact about me ... I have been fascinated with celebrity deaths since I was in middle school. I keep up with http://www.deathbeeper.com/ ; http://www.wa-wd.com/and http://www.deadoraliveinfo.com/.

I used to read the regular obituaries too, even when I first moved to Texas and did not know anyone other than Raymond. It was usually the first thing I read every morning. Funny thing about that is I stopped reading the regular obits when Raymond was diagnosed with cancer, but not the celebrity ones.

I think this fascination with obituaries came from the fact that whenever my Aunt Beulah was around she would sit and read the obituaries to me over breakfast and then, if the obit did not give out the cause of death, she would try to guess what killed the person. Sometimes she could get rather graphic, but the graphic words about the obituaries was much better over breakfast than lunch when she would describe what she had deposited into the toilet after breakfast. My brother and I can still recall some of those descriptions, but I digress into territories no one really wants to know about.

Even though Aunt Beulah's visits were not that often, the reading of the obituaries stayed with me. I never try to guess what killed someone, but I always look to see what memorials are mentioned to see if that offers a clue.

The celebrity death thing always reminds me of being at my parents and how they would be watching an old movie and trying to guess if any of the actors were still alive. It drove Raymond crazy. When my dad was still alive we always bought him a new Almanac each year so he could look up to see what actors were still alive. He would have loved having instant access to the information over the internet. (Well, he would have loved someone looking it up for him.)

I also have to watch to see if the deaths come in threes, but that is yet another tale.

So now you know that I am even weirder than you thought.

Another Worry

I only have sons. One of my best friends only has one child, a son. We worry about our future.

She has a sister and a brother. I only have a brother. We look at how little our brothers do for our parents and we worry. It always falls back on the girls in the family to take care of the parents. Who will take care of us?

I am constantly telling my boys that they must share in the responsibility of taking care of me when I am old. If one lives close to me and the other far away, then the one that lives far away must send money. Of course, I hope that I will always be able to take care of myself, but who knows what will happen in the future. I always thought Raymond and I would take care of each other when we got old.

I have always known that I cannot really count on my brother to be there during the hard times. I am always the one that has to make the big decisions when it comes to my mom. I resent it. Big time. Of course, I've known since I was very young that he wouldn't be there to help me, but I kept dreaming he would grow up and become a responsible adult. Here he is almost 58 years old, and he still hasn't grown up. Sigh.

I pray my sons will marry nice women that will understand if I need one of my boys to come over and help me do something at the house if I cannot afford to hire someone. Of course, I always prayed that my brother would give me a decent sister-in-law that would pitch in and help with mom too. Didn't happen. Didn't happen two times before, and the recent live in has been around 5 years and certainly doesn't do anything to pitch in.

Yes, I do worry about what will happen to me when I am old. I know I have done the best I can in raising my boys to be good, kind-hearted human beings, but who knows what will happen when they get busy with their own lives.

Maybe I better start playing the lottery.

Another Responsibility

Mom is sick. I just realized that if she is sick that is another responsibility.

It is bad enough when the boys are sick and I am worried about them, but now I have someone in my house that will be 86 years old in 5 days. Sick in someone that old is different than sick for a 14 year old.

She is already on so many medications, how do I know which OTC cold stuff works for her?

What if I walk in and find her dead? She refuses to discuss her funeral arrangements. She will not will her body to science. She owns a cemetery plot, but it is Kentucky next to her first born. She can't even remember what state she currently lives in but wants to be buried here.

Not going to happen. Cremation. I've told her over and over again that if she doesn't make any final arrangements she will be cremated and the remains will go to my brother since has my dad's ashes.

These are the thoughts that run through my mind when I hear her coughing and I start wondering about how I can help her.

Sometimes it is enough to make me want to go back to the days when I did not know what the word responsibility meant.

Playing Around

I have been playing around with the blog today.

I wanted more green. I love green. The other template had way too much grey on it, but I did not know how to change that. Then the oldest said he could alter the colors. I liked this template better than the old one, but there was no line separation between posts. Oldest fixed that with some code. Yeah!

So this is how the blog will look until I decided I need another change.

It is green, so it is me.

Abounding Bad News

Abounding seems to be an odd word for this title, but it is what came to me as I was sitting here this morning thinking about the last few days.

A couple of deaths, several horrible life threatening medical emergencies, surgeries, kidney stones, two people diagnosed with cancer, all within the last 3 days. It is overwhelming for all the families involved. It is also overwhelming some of their acquaintances.

Some of the people have asked me how I can stay so calm during all of it and offer advice and friendship to everyone. I tell them that I learned long ago panic helps no one in these situations. You have to be as calm as you can, learn all you can, and make the best informed decisions that you can. You fall apart later.