When Raymond was diagnosed none of his doctors thought he would live as long as he did. I remember towards the end when Dr. J from Dallas called Dr. B in Houston and asked if he had any more suggestions for treatment and Dr. B said “He’s still alive?”
The last time Dr. N saw us he said he never thought he would see Raymond again after the last time he treated him, and he flat out told us he knew he wouldn’t see us again. That was a kick in the gut.
I never listened to any of them because Raymond and I had a goal. The goal was for him to live to see both boys graduate from high school. I never thought we wouldn’t make it. I knew that he might not actually get to go to the graduations, but I never thought he wouldn’t be here for them on their big day.
We had decided that if he could live that long then the boys would be set for life. The boys would have picked their college their senior year, and I would be able to do whatever I needed to do to provide for myself.
Now here we are, less than 10 weeks from my oldest graduating and I am falling apart inside. I don’t know if I have enough strength to get through that graduation. I’m so proud of my oldest and all he has accomplished, but the thought of being there without his father seems so wrong.
Oh, I won’t let my oldest know. I’ll enjoy watching him graduate. I’ll hold up on the outside. I won’t let him know all the reasons I am crying.
It is just so hard.
Part of me feels like such a failure for not being able to keep Raymond alive. I mean the poor man could not have fought any harder than he did. He kept himself going through more than anyone can even imagine. The pain, the nausea, and all the rest that I am not ready to discuss yet, it was more than most people could get through. A lot of people would have let go after the first few years.
How am I going to get through May 9th?
I can almost hear Raymond telling me how disappointed he is in me for not moving through the grief faster. I will never get over grieving the fact that my boys lost their wonderful father.
Raymond and I made lots of goals in our lives, but we weren’t able to keep the most important one.
3 comments:
The Goal Reached
Raymond fought and Raymond lived a life worthy of heavenly goals.
When you have a mountain to climb, don't look down.
Look up, up to the heavens. Reach out your hand and look up. That is where Raymond is with his hand outstretched reaching for you and the boys. Look up and praise God. Praise God with all you heart, mind, body, and soul.
Everything else will take care of itself.
Bless God Cheryl!
I wish there were words to help fill the empty feeling of missing Raymond's presence. Do know that you have wonderful sons and friends to be there for you.
We all move thru grief in our own ways, at our own pace. I know that Raymond did not make it to graduation days, but at he was there to help shape your boys into the wonderful young men that they are turning out to be. I know Raymond is watching over all of you.
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