Today’s BIG guilt is paying to have a lawn service. I should be saving my money and taking care of my own lawn, but I do not feel physically or mentally able to take care of over 5 acres of property.
Raymond never wanted to have someone else mow the property, so every time the mowers come the guilt ways me down. I can remember mowing the property while he was sick and crying because I was so exhausted and just wanted to sleep but I had to take care of the mowing. I used to ask him all the time to hire someone to help us, but he never wanted to have someone else taking care of his property. I guess it was a pride thing.
It was different when Raymond was alive and able to talk me through problems with the property and the mowers. I have no mechanical sense – something Raymond was not only aware of, but reminded me of at least once a week. When he was here to help, I didn’t feel so overwhelmed.
What is causing the guilt to be heavier today is that I am thinking of selling my riding mower. It is a very nice commercial zero turn radius mower, but I cannot do so much as change the oil, let alone take care of other maintenance. However, if I sell it then I am trapped into always having a service. I won’t have a way to go tidy up between mowing dates, and I can only afford every other week and not even the whole property. What if the boys want to play in the back but can’t because the grass is too high?
To add to the guilt is the fact that I just want to whine. That is not a very grown up way to behave, but I just feel like whining. I want to whine because I have no one to take care of me. I have no one to help me with big decisions. I cannot burden my boys with this decision. I can ask my friends for advice, and they are happy to help me talk it through, but it is just not the same.
I’m a big whiny guilty mess!
4 comments:
Cheryl,
Have you thought about teaching your boys to mow?
I don't know their ages, but mine started mowing around 12 years old and they had to "push" two acres. I think we may have to move when our "mower" goes off to college. You don't need to feel like you have to do everything by yourself...and you may be doing your boys a favor by teaching them how mow.
If you don't teach them...who will?
My boys do know how to mow and use the weedeater. They help a lot in the yard. They trim the bushes and the trees, help me plant, and keep a lot of the equipment going. Unfortunately, they are not around enough to keep the property up. The youngest is going to be gone at least 4 weeks this summer, and I am not sure how much the oldest will be here.
The other problem is that neither one of them knows how to maintain the mower. I have considered sending them to some sort of auto maintenance class.
I can't teach them things I don't know how to do, and do not have the time or the desire to learn myself, such as mower maintenance.
They are becoming quite proficient in the things I do know how to do.
It does feel good sometimes to whine and make excuses. However, pity parties are only fun for a little while and we have to pick ourselves up and go on.
I was over my pity party as soon as I wrote my post.
That was one reason I started the blog is so that I had a way to express myself without upsetting my boys. It is a great way to unburden myself and relieve the pressure from my brain.
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