Yesterday was a bad day. I cried all day. I was ashamed of myself because I cried at work. Yes, I am pretty much there in my office all day without interaction with people, but my boss saw me and it is so unprofessional.
It all started with a dream the night before. The boys were grown and gone and Raymond came into the house dressed in one of my favorite shirts he wore and looking like he did before he got sick. He told me that he had bad news for me. He had lost his job. I started laughing and telling him that if that was the worse news he could think of, he had not heard a lot of bad news in his life.
We managed to find a way to make money that we both enjoyed and were living a terrific life together, not super rich, just comfortable like we have been in the past, and oh so happy. The alarm clock was not my friend that morning.
It really threw me and even as I type this I cry. I miss him so much.
My boss, who is a Pastor, and was also a good friend to Raymond, talked to me yesterday and I know everything he said was true, but it still does not help when I am so lonely for Raymond and a great conversation.
There is also the guilt because Raymond told me not to grieve long, but to move on, and I just can't seem to do that for him because I am not ready. I feel as if I am letting Raymond down and not living up to the expectations he set for me before he died.
I told my boss yesterday that if I did not have to get up to take the youngest to school and care for him, it would be really easy to stay in bed and remain in that dream world with Raymond. I know that is not right, but it is such a nice trip.
So here I am crying again. When I went to bed last night I was exhausted and really did not think I could possibly shed another tear. Evidently, I built up quite a few over night.
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