What Day in Your Life Would You Re-live?

I saw this survey recently and I am torn between two days.

One was in 1997 when Raymond took a bad fall. The doctors always questioned us about injuries to his hip and I always wondered if he would have developed the cancer he did if he had not fallen. I think I would relive that and prevent the fall if I knew he would not have gotten the cancer. That is always in the back of my mind. I was not there when he fell. Maybe I could have prevented the fall if I had been there. I should have forced him to go to the hospital. I do not know, but the question is always there in my head. What if he had not fallen that day?

If I knew he was going to get the cancer whether he fell or not, then I would relive the day he died. I have always regretted that I did not crawl up in the bed with him and hold him while he was dying. I held his hand. I held his hand for days and days, but I never held him. I was too afraid. They had so much trouble keeping the subcutaneous needles in to give him his morphine. His port had stopped working, and there were so few ways to get the needles into his veins. The needles were always popping out and the nurses would have to come and put them back in so he would not be in pain. I think if I had to relive it over, I would have found a way to hold him while he was dying. I would have asked the nurse to find a way for me to do that before she left to wait for the call he was gone.

I went over other days in my life, but I think these are the two that haunt me the most. These are the ones that I ask Raymond to forgive me for almost on a daily basis.