Saturday, January 26, 2013

Eerie

This happened yesterday, Friday, January 25, sometime between 10:45 and 11:30 A.M.  I was home alone.  Doors were locked.

Yesterday morning I got up, made a nice breakfast of soft boiled eggs and wheat toast, and then settled in to do a little work on my redwork block for quilting class while catching up on my recorded shows.  

On my television stand top I have a collection of glass items that are green, including a pretty cross my boss gave me one year.  She purchased it from an artist at Huffine's Art Trails.

The cross is really not close to the edge, and I can't really watch television without noticing the arrangement on the table top.  

Around 10:30 A.M. or so, I decided to go get a shower so I could go out and take care of my grandcat before too late in the day.  When I left the room to go to the bedroom side of the house, the room looked liked this:
I know this for sure because as I was working on my quilt block I was trying to decide if I needed to vacuum the living room this weekend.

When I got out of the shower, I wrapped my hair in a towel, put on my towel wrap and came back into the living room to cool off and look up something on the internet.  I sat down on the couch and pulled up my browser and then something on the floor caught my eye.  It was the cross, upside down and undamaged.
As you can see nothing else was disturbed on the table top.

A message? 

I did text my boss to see if she was okay.  She was.  

The whole thing is eerie.  


Friday, January 25, 2013

So Appropriate, So Pointless

Some of us have been shouting about certain things.  Nothing ever changes, except more lies.



I've been silent for much too long
Now I'm telling everybody what's been going on
It's time to shout now it's time to scream
It's time to wake up from this bad dream

I'm gonna shout till the devil gets on his knees
Shout till the angels say pretty please
Shout till I feel it runnin' through my veins
Shout till everybody thinks I'm insane
I'm gonna shout now, oh
I'm gonna shout now, oh
I wanna wake up

I've been broken and I've been bruised
I've been lied to and I've been used
It's time for dignity it's time for pride
It's time to get out what's been brewing on the inside

I'm gonna shout till the devil gets on his knees
Shout till the angels say pretty please
Shout till I feel it runnin' through my veins
Shout till everybody thinks I'm insane
I'm gonna shout now, oh
I'm gonna shout now, oh
I wanna wake up

I'm gonna shout till the devil gets on his knees
Shout till my angels say pretty pretty please
Shout till I feel it runnin' through my veins
Shout till everybody thinks that I'm insane
I'm gonna shout now, oh
I'm gonna shout now, oh
I wanna wake up

Monday, January 21, 2013

Another Hole In My Heart

I have another hole in my heart now.  My friend John passed away at 1:45, January 20 while listening to Magical Mystery Tour on his play list.

I know there are many people feeling the loss today. John was a wonderful son, brother, and a friend to many.  I know that I didn't know him as well as most, but I still considered him my friend and a good man.  

From what I know of John through our conversations, I find it totally appropriate that he left us during Magical Mystery Tour.  I know I will never hear that song again without smiling and thinking of John.

RIP my friend.  


Roll up, roll up for the magical mystery tour, step right this way.
Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up (AND) THAT'S AN INVITATION, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up TO MAKE A RESERVATION, roll up for the mystery tour.
The magical mystery tour is waiting to take you away,
Waiting to take you away.

Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up SATISFACTION GUARANTEED, roll up for the mystery tour.
The magical mystery tour is hoping to take you away,
Hoping to take you away.

A mystery trip.

The magical mystery tour.
Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up (AND) THAT'S AN INVITATION, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up TO MAKE A RESERVATION, roll up for the mystery tour.
The magical mystery tour is coming to take you away,
Coming to take you away.
The magical mystery tour is dying to take you away,
Dying to take you away, take you today.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Not A Bad Week

If you take away the fact that John entered hospice this week and I have cried pretty much all day ever day, it really hasn't been a bad week.  

John entering hospice was not a surprise for me.  For someone who has been through it, I knew it was coming. I kept praying I was wrong, but in my head I knew that his fight was almost over, and my heart has been breaking for his family and friends.

Taking away the sadness though, the week has been okay.

Monday night I attended a Redwork Quilting Class.  Redwork is not really something I enjoy, it is a little old-timey for me, but it is pretty mindless and since I had finished my handwork I had at the house it has filled my late evenings.  A lot of great people in the class, along with a very interestingly bizarre lady so the conversation from the evening has kept several of us entertained throughout the week.

Tues. was dinner with Mina and Loni, always a joy.  

Wed. night I came home and worked on projects around the house.  One night I worked in straightening up my bedroom. I still had Christmas quilts, stockings and table toppers piled up in there to be hung for next year, along with odds and ends to be put away.  I also cleaned part of the bathroom.

Thurs. night I worked on the laundry room.  I just about have it completely cleaned out and all laundry done.

Yesterday, Friday, I went to see a friend to finally exchange Christmas presents, ran some errands for the quilting class instructor, stopped to see a couple of other friends, cleaned out the pantry, scrubbed down the kitchen and mopped the floor, and then met Stan, Mina, and Loni for our regular Friday night dinner at Los Charros.  Once home, I worked on the laundry room some more and then spent the evening embroidering on my quilt block for class.  

Today I am scrubbing down the rest of my bathroom, finishing up with the laundry room, and hope to start on the game room.  I also need to find the skein of floss I lost yesterday to work on my quilt block.

The youngest should be home at some point today.  I am anxious to hear about his first week of the semester.

While I was working on my quilt block I was able to catch up on most of my evening shows.  I was very happy with who won Project Runway All Stars.  I hate the new judging panel on American Idol.  Scandal was interesting.  I am losing interest in Revenge.  The rest were pretty much noise in the background.  
On FB, Jeff has kept me entertained most of the week with little funny messages everyday to cheer me up.  Randy and I have come to an understanding regarding our relationship which has put us both in a good place. I love that I was able to reconnect with Annette.  Cindy and I had some good laughs, and I learned my cousin's son has a book out and holding book signings that some of my other cousins are attending. 

My cough is slowing down some.  Still bad when I talk very much or laugh.  Hoping it will stop soon.  Always takes me a long time to clear out my lungs after an illness.  
Tomorrow morning will be a family breakfast at Mimi's before the girls make their annual trek to Hawaii.  

Yes, taking away the sadness and the heartbreak of knowing another good man is leaving us, it was not a bad week.

Next week: Another installment of the quilting class, and Nana duties for Mocha. 

Friday, January 18, 2013

A Difficult Week

A friend entered hospice this week.  I met him through Loni.  I have actually only seen him face to face once, but we have sent messages back and forth of the years and I don't think I am wrong when I call him friend.

Today's news is he only has hours left.  He fought a brave fight against sarcoma.  He was actually treated through the same clinic as Raymond at M.D. Anderson.  That is why I ended up meeting him.  Before he made his first extended trip I had lunch with him and gave him some notes and ideas of what it was like to be a patient there.  

He is loved by many, and will be missed probably more than he ever expected.

My heart goes out to the family.  Having gone through this process, I know what they are facing.  
 
I know it has been hard on Loni too.  They were good friends.  

Yes, a most difficult week.

Monday, January 14, 2013

At Least Dinner is in the Fridge

I really don't feel like going to work today.  Not because I am still too sick to work, but because I want to stay home.

At least I won't have to fix dinner when I get home.  Laura brought me homemade chicken soup yesterday but because I had a late breakfast out with the youngest and then had dinner out with him and Loni yesterday I haven't eaten the soup yet.  It will be a nice ending of the work day before I go back out to a quilting class tonight. 

I am not looking forward to the lesson tonight at all, but I will enjoy being with the people. 

Sometimes I Wish

Sometimes I wish my brain would shut up and I could just follow a piece of my heart.  Of course, that would be a disaster.  

I still love you. ("Close Your Eyes" by J.T.) Sweet dreams.  

How do you answer a text like that when you know your brain will never let you love back equally?  

I didn't. There is nothing to say that hasn't been said. 


Holes in my Socks

I love fun socks.  The Christmas before he died, Raymond gave me a box full of really great socks.  I have been wearing them ever since, but because I only wear socks a few months a year they have remained in good shape.

Starting about a month ago, every time I have worn a pair of the socks I have come home with a hole on the big toe of the left foot.  Every time I saw a hole I got very upset because it meant I was losing yet another part of my life with Raymond.  I kept checking my toe and shoe to see if there was some reason to be getting the hole, but nothing.

The other day I was sitting on the bed taking off yet another pair of socks with a hole and I realized even the hole had a connection to Raymond.  Then I had to wonder if the hole was a message.

Before Raymond and I started dating I noticed he had been absent from our classes at college for a while and questioned him about it when he returned.  I found out he had been in the hospital and told him that if should ever happen again he should tell me because I could have visited since I was often at the hospital.  Not long after that Raymond's mom called me at home to tell me he was back in the hospital and he wanted me to know in case I had time to visit.  I went to visit the next day and ended up visiting him every day during that stay, a little over a week.  I would take my homework and work on it while he slept and then visit when he was awake. He was always asking me to stay longer even if I had been there for 4 hours.  

Since I really didn't know Raymond that well when I started visiting him in the hospital it was always awkward when I would get ready to leave for the day.  I took to squeezing his big toe of his left foot before I left as a way to let him know I would be back.  After we got married any time he had surgery, I would squeeze his big toe before leaving the room so he would know I would be back.  Even if I had just kissed and hugged him, I would try to reach out and get his toe.  When he was getting chemo and was so ill in Houston, we were not able to kiss because of his compromised immune system, so the toe thing became an important way for us to communicate. Sometimes it was the only contact we had for weeks.

I have to wonder if the holes aren't a sign from Raymond that it is time to throw away the old socks, get some new ones and move forward in life. 

There are still a few pairs of socks left.  I will keep wearing them.  Raymond would not want me to put them back for a rainy day.  I will miss the connection when they are gone, but I understand the message.











Sunday, January 13, 2013

Not the Best Start to a New Year

I have been down about a week with bronchitis, part of it while the youngest was battling a nasty stomach bug.  

I started coughing on Monday, by Wednesday I was at the doctor getting antibiotics and heavy duty expectorant.  Thursday, I was battling the side effects of the medications.  I went to work, but was told I would probably have to work Friday.  I chose to come home and sleep 3 hours, and then go back and work until after 7 so that I could spend Friday and Saturday in bed.  

Fortunately the oldest was home Tues., Wed. and Thurs. night to help me, and the youngest was well enough by Thursday night to help too.  Since the youngest was sleeping in the Man Cave, and I was in the adjoining room on the living room couch, he took care of me most of Thurs. night and early hours Fri. when I was having a lot of difficulty.

I am truly blessed that my boys are such wonderful caregivers, and that they were still on their winter break and could be home with me.

During all of this Loni got sick and was home by herself nursing a fever and sinus infection.  I felt bad I couldn't go get her medicine and grilled cheese sandwiches.  She was good about checking in except for yesterday.  She fell asleep on the couch without checking in with Mina or me.  The youngest and I were gearing up to go beat on her door just as she woke up and let me know she was okay.  Can't help but worry ever since I walked in and saw her after she fell through her ceiling.  I kept picturing on the floor with a gash in her head from passing out from the fever and hitting her counter or something.  Us single ladies have to watch out for one another. 

I hope this is the end of the illness for 2013. 

Sunday, January 6, 2013

My Baby is Sick

I am very aware that my baby is 19 years old now, but he has been very sick for the last 24 hours and it hurts me as much now as it did when he was really a baby.  

The poor thing has some kind of horrible stomach virus that has kept him from keeping even the tiniest sip of water down or in.

He looks really horrible.  We call him a skinny kid, but weight wise he really isn't that skinny, however after just 12 hours of being sick and his cheeks were hollow and his eyes sunk back into his head.  

I hope he is past the worse of it now and can start recovering.  I am so grateful that he was here at the house and not on campus when it struck.  

Truly blessed that Loni was able to go get him some more supplies last night.  I had been out earlier, but he was going through everything so fast, and once he started getting dizzy I was afraid to leave him at home alone. 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Would Have Been My 31st Wedding Anniversary

Today would have been my 31st wedding anniversary.  To celebrate the boys, Kyle, Loni and I went to San Miguel's in McKinney for dinner.  We could have been seated sooner than we were, but I wanted my favorite waiter.  

Raymond and I used to go there for dinner on our anniversary.  When we first started going there it was only on special occasions because we couldn't afford to eat out very often.  Later as we were able to get more established we would go there every month or so, but our anniversary dinner was special.  If my aunt was in town, we would actually get to go without the boys and make a night of it.

Going there on January 2 just seems right. 

Welcome 2013!

Another year.  

I must admit I spent a good portion of the morning crying on the couch.  

There are so many things up in the air in my life.  There are so many things I see that are not right and I cannot fix.  There are so many things I need Raymond here to help me with.  

I floundered in 2012.  I would like to hope I can flourish in 2013, but I am not sure I have the strength.  

One thing is for sure, as April approaches and the year of "Finding Me" comes to an end, I can say that I have not "found me."  I am no where close to being "found."

Goodbye 2012

Goodbye 2012.  I can't say you are sorry to see you go.  

Other than the two wonderful trips I took, my friends, family, and my two fantastic boys, 2012 was emotionally rough on me.  

The past came roaring back on New Year's Eve, 2011 and just kept coming. It made me face a lot of old stuff and brought up so much hurt, love, and confusion that I thought I had dealt with 35 years ago.  

I would like to say that I had dealt with all of it and none of it would be following me into 2013, but that would be a lie.  All I can hope is that I will learn to accept what happened and learn to live with the regrets, because the one thing I learned in 2012 is that the regrets are there and I cannot make them go away.



Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Christmas, 2012

Christmas 2012 was the first Christmas without the oldest. He was here the Friday before to enjoy family Christmas with Loni, Mina, Stan, his fiancee, and the youngest.  On Saturday we went to see the Hobbit, then the oldest and his fiancee opened their family gifts and Santa gifts and went to her parents for the holiday.

Loni came over Christmas Eve, as did Kyle, but our power went out and Loni left with Kyle so she would have a skunk patrol with her.  

Christmas Day Loni came over for breakfast and then we opened Santa stocking gifts.  We had our Christmas ham sandwiches with mac n' cheese and then I had to send Loni home because the snow was coming down hard and I wanted her home safe.  

The boys, December 22, 2012, celebrating the Christmas season and getting ready to go see The Hobbit. Did you notice they are wearing the same shirt?  That is what happens when I let them dress themselves.