There Are Some Memories

Whenever I ask my youngest if he remembers something from his childhood he replies "I really don't remember my childhood." 

The other night we were sitting around with one of his friends and talking about memories and my youngest admitted he only had four real memories of his father, Raymond.  Two good memories and two bad ones.

The good memories were:
Rockets
Chess

Raymond and the boys used to set off rockets in the back field.
Raymond used to play chess with the boys and one time the youngest beat him and there is a terrific picture of that match to commemorate the occasion.

The bad memories were:
The sippy cup incident
Raymond's dying

The sippy cup incident was something none of us ever forgot, certainly not Raymond.  I wasn't in the room when it happened but it involved Raymond throwing a sippy cup at the same time the oldest moved and the cup whacking the oldest in the head.  The youngest was standing next to the oldest at the time and he remembers being glad he didn't get whacked by the cup. 

Raymond's death, as I have written before, was not a peaceful death.  The boys had the option to leave our home at any time that night, there was even a friend here standing by to take them away, but both boys opted to stay.  In fact, the youngest barely left Raymond's side unless he was in school the entire time Raymond was in hospice.  All I could tell the youngest the other night was that I was following what he expressed as his wishes when it came to his dad's death and I didn't know anything else to do. 

I am glad to know he has some memories and that some of them are good ones.

Such a Harsh Reality

Saturday night I had two dreams that were so real that I have been dealing with the harsh reality of the truth all week, once again.

In the first dream I was looking at a photo on my phone.  The bottom of the photo showed Raymond looking at the boys when the were young.  He was looking down at them with such pride and love, and at the top of the photo it was Raymond looking at the boys as they are now, almost eye to eye with him standing in front of the Kroger deli.  My dream was so realistic and the photo so perfect that I woke myself up, grabbed my phone and pulled up my photos.  It was so disappointing to not find that photo in my gallery. 

Later when it was closer to morning I had another dream.  I was outside working in the garden with the youngest when he decided to go in the house.  After I worked on for a few more minutes I realized I needed to tell him something so I went in the house too.  When I opened the door to go back outside there stood Raymond.  I asked him where he had been and he reminded me that he had been on a business trip. He said "Don't you remember me telling you about the trip?" I told him he had been gone a long time.  He said it had been too long, he opened his arms and I stepped right into them and laid my head on his chest.  We stayed that way for a long time.  I told him I had missed him and he said he missed me too and was glad to be home again.  

Waking up to the harsh reality that he wasn't on a business trip was really hard.  It is amazing how we can change reality in our dreams to the point we believe it is true.  

Oh how I wish it could be true.

Another Missed Birthday

Raymond would have been 54 today.  He would have loved how beautiful today turned out.  

I am pretty sure we would have made a trip to a park and then come home to grill burgers and have apple pie for dessert.

It just never gets any easier.  I can push it aside easier in front of people, but my heart aches and the tears are just to the back of my eyes. 

A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life. ~ Richard Bach

 I really miss my soulmate.

Holes in my Socks

I love fun socks.  The Christmas before he died, Raymond gave me a box full of really great socks.  I have been wearing them ever since, but because I only wear socks a few months a year they have remained in good shape.

Starting about a month ago, every time I have worn a pair of the socks I have come home with a hole on the big toe of the left foot.  Every time I saw a hole I got very upset because it meant I was losing yet another part of my life with Raymond.  I kept checking my toe and shoe to see if there was some reason to be getting the hole, but nothing.

The other day I was sitting on the bed taking off yet another pair of socks with a hole and I realized even the hole had a connection to Raymond.  Then I had to wonder if the hole was a message.

Before Raymond and I started dating I noticed he had been absent from our classes at college for a while and questioned him about it when he returned.  I found out he had been in the hospital and told him that if should ever happen again he should tell me because I could have visited since I was often at the hospital.  Not long after that Raymond's mom called me at home to tell me he was back in the hospital and he wanted me to know in case I had time to visit.  I went to visit the next day and ended up visiting him every day during that stay, a little over a week.  I would take my homework and work on it while he slept and then visit when he was awake. He was always asking me to stay longer even if I had been there for 4 hours.  

Since I really didn't know Raymond that well when I started visiting him in the hospital it was always awkward when I would get ready to leave for the day.  I took to squeezing his big toe of his left foot before I left as a way to let him know I would be back.  After we got married any time he had surgery, I would squeeze his big toe before leaving the room so he would know I would be back.  Even if I had just kissed and hugged him, I would try to reach out and get his toe.  When he was getting chemo and was so ill in Houston, we were not able to kiss because of his compromised immune system, so the toe thing became an important way for us to communicate. Sometimes it was the only contact we had for weeks.

I have to wonder if the holes aren't a sign from Raymond that it is time to throw away the old socks, get some new ones and move forward in life. 

There are still a few pairs of socks left.  I will keep wearing them.  Raymond would not want me to put them back for a rainy day.  I will miss the connection when they are gone, but I understand the message.

Words to Live By

One of my tasks at work today was to take a quote A.A. Milne wrote for Christopher Robin to say to Pooh and make agape for Kairos Outside.  While working on the agape I couldn't help but think back to what Winnie the Pooh has meant to my family.  We did not use the full quote on the agape piece, but the full quote is appropriate here:

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.” ~ A.A. Milne.

When I was pregnant with my oldest I read him "Winnie the Pooh" stories every day.  When I wasn't reading to him Raymond was playing classical music to him.  Then when I was alone I would sneak in some good old rock and roll and country, because after all I wanted him to be well rounded.

I still remember the day Raymond took the oldest for a walk around the block and came back with a stuffed Pooh and a baseball bat they had bought at a garage sale in the neighborhood.  I really freaked out to see that stuffed Pooh, all I could think about was germs, lice, bed bugs, etc.  Of course the toddler boy did not want to give it up to me, but Raymond finally convinced him to let me wash Pooh.  

Pooh was soon a favorite stuffed animal.  My mother, GiGi, even made Pooh a couple of new shirts since the one he had was a little ratty. 

We continued to read Pooh stories, and had a collection of Pooh tapes that would play every night as he went to sleep.  When the youngest came along he was exposed to Pooh too, but he never had the attachment that oldest did to the stuffed Pooh we bought him when he decided he must have one too.

That old Pooh still sits on my oldest's bed, and I am know he still brings him lots of comfort.  

The oldest and I cannot listen to "House at Pooh Corner" by Kenny Loggins without bursting into tears. 

It just brings back too many memories of Raymond. 

Yes, Pooh will always be a big part of our family life.  I am going to repeat the quote here because I think the words in this quote are what I would want my boys to remember if we were no longer together, and I know from my discussions with Raymond that he hoped that the boys would live their lives by these words:

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.” ~ A.A. Milne

I wish my boys still had their Christopher Robin.

What is With All the Mail?

Raymond has been dead for almost 6 years, so what is up with all the mail addressed to him?

The mailbox was full when I came home today.  There was a box for my youngest, and tons of mail.  In that mail there was:

• A bank statement for the oldest.
•  A college wanting to here from the youngest (if he hadn't fast tracked he would graduate from high school this year).
• A piece of junk mail for me.
• Seven pieces of mail addressed to Raymond. 

I have to say the offer of Life Insurance to him made me laugh, but not in a good way. 

One of his credit cards wanted to offer him more rewards.  I don't even think that credit card number exists any more, and if it does it hasn't been active since at least 2005.

I am also irritated that our electric company won't take his name off the account, even though I have faxed his death certificate to them more than once.  

Sometimes it just irritates me. 

And Yet Another Sign

And just as I hit "publish post" on the previous post "Wish You Were Here" the Raymond bell clanged.  No other wind chime or bell was ringing just the Raymond bell.

What an amazing way to let me know that you heard my message to you on your birthday.

Thank you.  I know what you are saying.  I know you are telling me you understand. 

You continue to support, love me, and accept me like no other.

Wish You Were Here

Raymond,

Today would have been your 53 birthday.  I wish you were here so we could have gone out to the park and enjoyed this glorious day.  I would have baked you an apple pie and made you whatever would have been your favorite meal since it seemed to change based on whatever I had been experimenting with for the year.

If you were here you could see how amazing your boys have turned out thus far and we would have been joking and laughing.   You would know that our oldest is happy with his final choice for a career.  You would see that the youngest is beyond special in his personality and wit.

I am sure a trip to some book store would have been in order or maybe something artsy.

With certainty you would have been one of those husbands really into my quilts and I bet you would have made one of your own, if not many by now, just as you hooked me a rug when I was into rug making.  Who knows you might have taken up fabric painting.

I think you would be pleased that I have reconnected with Kathleen and Gary, and that I took the boys to see Gary before he moved.

Everyday I wish you were here.   I am trying really hard to move on, but I know you are aware of the challenges I have lately and that there must be a reason for them.  I hope you are not ashamed of the fact that I am struggling so because I know you thought I could overcome anything and here I am a mess of emotions over an impossible situation.  A situation that is a repeat of the past and if I hadn't been in it the first time I would not have found you, so maybe it is a repeat so that I can do what you wanted most for me which is to move on with someone else.  I have to tell you though it is really taking  a toll on me. 

I know you are laughing about the absurd situation that came up yesterday through a text. 

Your voice is in my head telling me things that I should be taking care of but I seem stuck.  I can't tell if some things have come to a stand still due to fear or just plain mental exhaustion from holding everything together for so many years.   I am working on it, I promise.

And there you are.  That is the most amazing thing!  I am typing this and thinking of you and there you are.  A gorgeous hawk sitting on the pool fence looking right at me.  Thank you for the visit and for letting me know you are still there watching over us.  You are splendid as a Broad-winged today.

The tears are flowing as I think of you soaring free of pain. 

I wish you were still here with me, and I know you would have never left on your own.

I will always love you and no matter what you will always be my soul mate.

Love,
Me

January 2, 1982

30 Years Ago Today

Down on the Floor Guffawing

Raymond sent me the funniest message tonight.  It took me a while to get it, but when I did I laughed so hard I was on the floor guffawing.  I had tears running down my face.  Thanks honey, you still  have my back.

Really Rough TIme of the Year

This is a really rough time of the year for my oldest and me.  March was the beginning of the end for our family of four.  It is when Raymond went into hospice.

I don't know if it is because of the surgery or what, but I am having even a rougher time this year.  I cry at everything during the day, and at night I sob for hours.  I mean deep, gut wrenching sobbing.  

I upset the oldest the other day by posting a song on FB.  I wasn't really thinking about him seeing it when I posted it.  It is just a song I love and it was running through my head.  I did not mean to add to his anguish.  

My youngest never talks about how he feels about missing his dad or anything about that time of our lives, but I also recognize the shell he has put around himself.  

Sometimes I feel horrible about my grief because I know others have suffered so much more.  I also find myself wanting to slap some people silly who go on and on about how they are grieving over something that is really nothing but the loss of a goal, one that can still be accomplished.  

Since I am still singing the song in my head, I am going to post it here where my oldest can't see it.  

If only we could go back.

When I was pregnant with the oldest I would read Winnie the Pooh stories to him in the womb.  Raymond would play him classical music.  Some days I would love to go back to that time and live it all over, even if I knew Raymond would still die at the same time.  Nothing would have to be different, it could be the same as it was, it would just be having all those special little magical moments that happen during a day again. 

Made it Through

March 3 was Raymond's birthday.  I did pretty good getting through it this year.  Just teared up once. 

He never wanted much of a fuss over his birthday, so it wasn't missing the celebration that made me sad. It was that he died at the peak of our life together and we won't grow old together like we planned.  

I did have to laugh Tues. morning when I was putting my shoes on and realized I was doing it like Raymond used to do and I always thought was strange.  

Now I just have to get through Mom's birthday on the 6th.  

For Me, It Does Not Get Better

Today Raymond would have been 51 years old.  I have been dreading this day for weeks, but no one at work knew about it.  In fact only one person I work with knew Raymond, and that was just by sight.  So imagine my surprise when I walked in to find gifts on my desk.  Not because they knew the significance  of the day but just because they chose today to express their love for me.  Later in the day my boss came in and she had a gift for me because she said she woke up thinking about me and that she needed to brighten my day. 

The showering of love did help me get through the day better than usual, but when someone asked me if it ever gets better I had to honestly answer "Not for me."  

There is just too much I want to share with Raymond on a daily basis.  I want to show him my quilts.  I need to discuss issues with the boys.  I would like his advice when someone has hurt me. 

I know that many people cannot understand that connection we had, but it was very special.  He was special.  Raymond was very interesting and intelligent and that helped me stay sharp.  Raymond loved me as I am, which is not easy. 

I miss him.