Whenever I ask my youngest if he remembers something from his childhood he replies "I really don't remember my childhood."
The other night we were sitting around with one of his friends and talking about memories and my youngest admitted he only had four real memories of his father, Raymond. Two good memories and two bad ones.
The good memories were:
Rockets
Chess
Raymond and the boys used to set off rockets in the back field.
Raymond used to play chess with the boys and one time the youngest beat him and there is a terrific picture of that match to commemorate the occasion.
The bad memories were:
The sippy cup incident
Raymond's dying
The sippy cup incident was something none of us ever forgot, certainly not Raymond. I wasn't in the room when it happened but it involved Raymond throwing a sippy cup at the same time the oldest moved and the cup whacking the oldest in the head. The youngest was standing next to the oldest at the time and he remembers being glad he didn't get whacked by the cup.
Raymond's death, as I have written before, was not a peaceful death. The boys had the option to leave our home at any time that night, there was even a friend here standing by to take them away, but both boys opted to stay. In fact, the youngest barely left Raymond's side unless he was in school the entire time Raymond was in hospice. All I could tell the youngest the other night was that I was following what he expressed as his wishes when it came to his dad's death and I didn't know anything else to do.
I am glad to know he has some memories and that some of them are good ones.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Moving On
2015 was a year of firsts.
The first wedding anniversary I didn't sit in my chair and weep for Raymond.
The first time I made it through Raymond's birthday without anger over all he has missed in these past years and how we were supposed to be together.
The first time I actually forgot the anniversary of Raymond's death.
The first time for me to receive a romantic kiss in 10 years. Yes, a romantic kiss. It happened on Halloween night when I was out for an evening with a man I have known since I was 24 years old. A man who used to be my boss.
I always thought I would feel guilt when I shared a kiss for the first time after Raymond's death, but there was no guilt There was just the realization that I was in the company of a man I greatly respect and I was having a wonderful time.
In 2015 I realized I was really ready to move on with my life.
The first wedding anniversary I didn't sit in my chair and weep for Raymond.
The first time I made it through Raymond's birthday without anger over all he has missed in these past years and how we were supposed to be together.
The first time I actually forgot the anniversary of Raymond's death.
The first time for me to receive a romantic kiss in 10 years. Yes, a romantic kiss. It happened on Halloween night when I was out for an evening with a man I have known since I was 24 years old. A man who used to be my boss.
I always thought I would feel guilt when I shared a kiss for the first time after Raymond's death, but there was no guilt There was just the realization that I was in the company of a man I greatly respect and I was having a wonderful time.
In 2015 I realized I was really ready to move on with my life.
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