Thought I Cried Out Yesterday, Guess Not

Yesterday was a bad day. I cried all day. I was ashamed of myself because I cried at work. Yes, I am pretty much there in my office all day without interaction with people, but my boss saw me and it is so unprofessional.

It all started with a dream the night before. The boys were grown and gone and Raymond came into the house dressed in one of my favorite shirts he wore and looking like he did before he got sick. He told me that he had bad news for me. He had lost his job. I started laughing and telling him that if that was the worse news he could think of, he had not heard a lot of bad news in his life.

We managed to find a way to make money that we both enjoyed and were living a terrific life together, not super rich, just comfortable like we have been in the past, and oh so happy. The alarm clock was not my friend that morning.

It really threw me and even as I type this I cry. I miss him so much.

My boss, who is a Pastor, and was also a good friend to Raymond, talked to me yesterday and I know everything he said was true, but it still does not help when I am so lonely for Raymond and a great conversation.

There is also the guilt because Raymond told me not to grieve long, but to move on, and I just can't seem to do that for him because I am not ready. I feel as if I am letting Raymond down and not living up to the expectations he set for me before he died.

I told my boss yesterday that if I did not have to get up to take the youngest to school and care for him, it would be really easy to stay in bed and remain in that dream world with Raymond. I know that is not right, but it is such a nice trip.

So here I am crying again. When I went to bed last night I was exhausted and really did not think I could possibly shed another tear. Evidently, I built up quite a few over night.

Mirror, Mirror on the Stall Wall,

Here I sit in my recliner with my laptop still trying to figure out the location of a certain mirror I saw this week and its counterparts.

On Thursday I went to the doctor in Richardson, TX. When I arrived I needed to use the restroom, and knowing that the only restroom available on her floor was located behind a locked door and that I would need permission to use it, I chose to use the public restroom on the first floor of the medical building she is located in. A bathroom I have used many times over the years.

I entered the stall, placed the seat over on the seat, sat down, and then looked up to notice a mirror. Now I have seen mirrors on the back of bathroom stall doors, and I have seen small mirrors located high up on a stall wall for women to check their makeup etc., but I have never seen a mirror placed in the location of this one.

This particular mirror was placed next to the toilet paper holder. It extended a couple of inches above the height of the toilet paper holder and extended on towards the bottom of the stall. I was intrigued. As I stood to leave the stall, I was careful to note just what body parts were covered by the mirror. I also noted that in order for me to see my makeup in that particular mirror I would have to bend over and practically put my head on my knees.

I was fascinated at that point. I was the only person in the bathroom so I went from stall to stall to see if every stall had a mirror in that location. They all did!

I went to the men’s room, because I really wanted to know if they had mirrors too. Unfortunately, it was occupied and I needed to go to my appointment, otherwise I would have walked in to find out. (It was occupied on my way out too, so I still do not know if the men had such mirrors.)

What was the purpose of the placement of that mirror? What are women supposed to be looking at while standing in that stall?

One suggestions was that they mirror was there to check to see if you had tucked your dress into your pantyhose. Really? How many people are going to the doctor these days dressed in such a manner? Not one person in the waiting room was dressed in a dress and pantyhose except for the drug saleswoman that dropped off drug samples.

While pondering the use of the mirror, I couldn’t help but think of Raymond complaining about one of his roommates being extremely hairy and walking around naked with dingleberries, and how such a mirror might have been helpful to him.

There were some feminine hygiene product ideas that came to mind, but I can’t imagine really needing a mirror to use any of those products.

No sex toys were being sold in the women’s bathroom.

Several of my friends and I have discussed this mirror. My boys and I have discussed this mirror. None of us can rationally think of a reason for placement of this mirror.

Maybe someone drilled the holes in the first stall to put up the mirrors in the wrong place, and since a hole in the stall wall would have meant a small window to the next stall the only thing that came to their mind was to hang the mirror there, and then to make them all alike they hung all the mirrors that low.

Of course, the mirrors could simply be there to occupy small children while their mothers are relieving themselves. I remember having to take my boys into the stall with me when we were out shopping and there was no one with me. I would have them turn their backs to me and face the door. Maybe these mirrors were so that children could stand and make faces at themselves, while the mothers are taking care of necessary functions of the human body.

I guess I will never know the real reason the mirrors are there, and I hope I can stop wondering about it soon. \\|

Mirror Mirror on the Stall Wall, You Sure are Showing it All

GOING MAD, MAD I TELL YOU...

My right foot is itching along the side today. The itching starts at the little toe right to the middle of the foot and then on up onto the top of my foot. There is no sign of a bite, rash, etc. It is driving me MAD!!! Nothing has stopped the itching.

The itching is starting to creep up my nerve endings and into the very base of my skull.

No amount of meditation and pretending the itch is not there has worked.

Sometimes the itching moves to the middle of the bottom of my foot and burns and I think okay, that is almost better, but then in seconds it is back to the outside of my foot and itches worse than before.

I am not worried about a foot fungus or any thing such as that, I am afraid of what the itching means and what may be coming into my life. Will it bring good or bad? Can I handle anything bad right now?

Yes, I have superstitions. Not as many as others, and not the same as others, but all my life my foot itching has meant something. Just as a dream that my Uncle Bob was coming meant that Uncle Bob would be there the next day, foot itching was an omen.

Foot itching has brought me good news and bad news in the past. It is never consistent. So not only is the itching driving me mad, but the unknown of what it means is driving me mad.

I guess I should not let myself go mad, there are worst places that could itch.

I Enjoy Doing For Others More

Even though I have been trying to do more things for myself, I have also been making a big effort to do more things for others. My friend "J" has given me a huge opportunity to help her help others and I appreciate it very much.

"J"'s son is in the army and was injured in Afghanistan and still recovering. He is only 18 and "J" has been learning all kinds of things to do to help our soldiers. One of the organizations she has affiliated herself with is "Soldiers' Angels." www.soldiersangels.com Through reading about their work, and knowing what her own son went through, she decided to make "no sew" blankets for the wounded soldiers. She asked me to help since she had never actually tried to make anything like that before.

Since "J" and I started working on the blankets, 4 have been completed, and we have material to make 3 more, thanks to a generous contribution from another one of my friends. We have fun making them together. We make them at my house, and usually have a break for a brownie or two between during the making of a blanket.

Today we took the finished blankets to Church and the Pastor blessed them before we mail them off for the soldiers.

The finished blankets look like this:





As much fun as it was to do a few things just for myself this past week, helping "J" with these blankets helped me feel as if I was doing what I was meant to do in life, helping others.

I Need to Do Something For Myself

I have been feeling abandoned by my oldest since he left for college. Even though he is not nearly as far away as he has been for the past two years, I hardly ever hear from him. I am used to him contacting me by IM, or text every single day. Yesterday, he finally called me after four days.

I fully understand that he is no longer restricted as he was in the other school. I understand he has a new girl in his life, and lots and lots of new friends, but a text saying "I OK" would be sufficient.

We were so close over the summer, that it is hard to go cold turkey.

I have also been lying in bed and thinking about what it will be like when my youngest goes away next year. I will be on my own for the first time in my whole life. Very scary, and not something I think I will enjoy at all.

This week as I have been thinking about the future and it seems very bleak to me without my children. I have thought about fostering, but my youngest is dead set against that idea. He says I need to get out and enjoy my friends. He forgets they will still have their families.

Since thinking about my future is making me unhappy, I have decided that I needed to do something for myself now, after all I may not even have a future. So here is a list of what I have done for myself this week:

1. Bought and exercised to some exercise tapes I have enjoyed in the past.
2. Boiled some eggs before work one morning and came home and made myself a large green leaf salad with hard boiled eggs for dinner.
3. Walked 3 miles today.
   
4. Have been working on my quilt again.
5. Looked at some specialty soaps online that I think I would enjoy using
6. Wrote some very overdue thank yous that have been weighing on my mind
7. Worked up a new routine with my youngest that gives us some excellent quality time together right before bedtime.
8. Have started going to bed around 10 p.m. whether I am sleepy or not.
9. Made a date with my friend to purchase material to make more blankets for our soldiers.
10. Stood up for myself when I felt slammed by someone that has put their nose in where it did not belong.

If I am going to survive being alone, then I need to begin setting myself up with some activities now to keep me occupied in the future. Whereas in reading this list it does not seem like I am really going all out, it is a start, and for me that is really something.

Another Snake in the House

Tuesday afternoon, just as I was getting ready to leave work, my youngest called to tell me that there was a snake in my oldest's bedroom. He said he would keep an eye on it and I could help him catch it. I rushed home, and after some lifting of some furniture, we were able to get the snake out in the open. My youngest was not making a lot of progress in the "catching" of the snake. I got mad grabbed the "handicap grabbers" and snatched the snake up and threw it into a bucket. The youngest covered the bucket and took the snake to the barn.

He swears it was the same snake as before, but I truly believe that snake would be bigger by now. This one was about the same size as the last one.

I have been looking on the internet about how to keep snakes out of your house, but none of the ideas thrill me.

What is Flitting Around in My Mind Today?

Oldest has his first radio show at midnight. It will last until 2. How long will I last?

Met a new friend of the oldest last night, a girl, she was very nice. I think I made her nervous. I tried not to. I just wanted to get to know her a little. She cannot eat dairy, legumes, or ... CHOCOLATE!!!! All day I have been trying to decide if I had to give one or the other up would I give up cheese or chocolate. I eat a lot more cheese than I do chocolate. I enjoy a really good hard licorice as much as a good piece of chocolate, but I like cheese in casseroles, Mexican food, baked ziti. It would be hardest to give up the dairy.

Youngest got his schedule for his freshman year of high school. He received all the classes he signed up for, so I guess that is good. Only a class or two with friends.

I am redecorating the room my Mom was living in here. I have bagged up all the bedding she had bought for the room. Just made me sad. It will be my oldest's room now and a guest room. I am doing the bed in blue plaid and covering the couch with blue denim. We have the brass rubbing in there and the framed etched glass on mirror (which freaks out my youngest when he walks down the hall). I have taken down all the old fashioned pictures. So my mine keeps flitting on that room and all the changes to it in the last week. It is like I am completely erasing Mom's presence from the house. Sadness weeps into my brain.

I keep thinking about how much I hate that school is starting. I like having my kids with me.

Will my oldest ever come home again now that he has a new lady?

How many weeks can I go without doing laundry?

Why is it that when I tell anyone bagging my groceries or Target purchases that I do not want any of my purchases bagged, do the continue to ask me if I am sure that I don't want a bag. I have canvas bags in my van, but I often forget to take them in, I also have laundry baskets in my van. I just take the purchases out and put them in the the bags and baskets. It works great. Only one store today did not give me a hard time about it.

If I grill a hot dog this late at night will I be up all night? Well that would be a good thing in a way because then I could listen to the oldest's radio show.

Will I ever be able to find the right combination to clear up my youngest's face? Is he allergic to his hair. He breaks out in his eyebrows, mustache, hairline, and sideburns? What in the heck would you do about that?

Too many books are piling up around me. I need to read. When will I actually do that? Two great library books are in, and another favorite author's newest arrives at my house tomorrow. I would love to be just rich enough to be able to read any time I wanted and never have to do housework, laundry, or take care of the pool again. Then I could just read, quilt, watch my shows, watch movies, play board games, and definitely fish.

Why am I typing this stuff when I could be reading? I think that is what I will do and ignore the brain flits until the oldest gets on the radio.