Holes in my Socks

I love fun socks.  The Christmas before he died, Raymond gave me a box full of really great socks.  I have been wearing them ever since, but because I only wear socks a few months a year they have remained in good shape.

Starting about a month ago, every time I have worn a pair of the socks I have come home with a hole on the big toe of the left foot.  Every time I saw a hole I got very upset because it meant I was losing yet another part of my life with Raymond.  I kept checking my toe and shoe to see if there was some reason to be getting the hole, but nothing.

The other day I was sitting on the bed taking off yet another pair of socks with a hole and I realized even the hole had a connection to Raymond.  Then I had to wonder if the hole was a message.

Before Raymond and I started dating I noticed he had been absent from our classes at college for a while and questioned him about it when he returned.  I found out he had been in the hospital and told him that if should ever happen again he should tell me because I could have visited since I was often at the hospital.  Not long after that Raymond's mom called me at home to tell me he was back in the hospital and he wanted me to know in case I had time to visit.  I went to visit the next day and ended up visiting him every day during that stay, a little over a week.  I would take my homework and work on it while he slept and then visit when he was awake. He was always asking me to stay longer even if I had been there for 4 hours.  

Since I really didn't know Raymond that well when I started visiting him in the hospital it was always awkward when I would get ready to leave for the day.  I took to squeezing his big toe of his left foot before I left as a way to let him know I would be back.  After we got married any time he had surgery, I would squeeze his big toe before leaving the room so he would know I would be back.  Even if I had just kissed and hugged him, I would try to reach out and get his toe.  When he was getting chemo and was so ill in Houston, we were not able to kiss because of his compromised immune system, so the toe thing became an important way for us to communicate. Sometimes it was the only contact we had for weeks.

I have to wonder if the holes aren't a sign from Raymond that it is time to throw away the old socks, get some new ones and move forward in life. 

There are still a few pairs of socks left.  I will keep wearing them.  Raymond would not want me to put them back for a rainy day.  I will miss the connection when they are gone, but I understand the message.

Not the Best Start to a New Year

I have been down about a week with bronchitis, part of it while the youngest was battling a nasty stomach bug.  

I started coughing on Monday, by Wednesday I was at the doctor getting antibiotics and heavy duty expectorant.  Thursday, I was battling the side effects of the medications.  I went to work, but was told I would probably have to work Friday.  I chose to come home and sleep 3 hours, and then go back and work until after 7 so that I could spend Friday and Saturday in bed.  

Fortunately the oldest was home Tues., Wed. and Thurs. night to help me, and the youngest was well enough by Thursday night to help too.  Since the youngest was sleeping in the Man Cave, and I was in the adjoining room on the living room couch, he took care of me most of Thurs. night and early hours Fri. when I was having a lot of difficulty.

I am truly blessed that my boys are such wonderful caregivers, and that they were still on their winter break and could be home with me.

During all of this Loni got sick and was home by herself nursing a fever and sinus infection.  I felt bad I couldn't go get her medicine and grilled cheese sandwiches.  She was good about checking in except for yesterday.  She fell asleep on the couch without checking in with Mina or me.  The youngest and I were gearing up to go beat on her door just as she woke up and let me know she was okay.  Can't help but worry ever since I walked in and saw her after she fell through her ceiling.  I kept picturing on the floor with a gash in her head from passing out from the fever and hitting her counter or something.  Us single ladies have to watch out for one another. 

I hope this is the end of the illness for 2013. 

My Baby is Sick

I am very aware that my baby is 19 years old now, but he has been very sick for the last 24 hours and it hurts me as much now as it did when he was really a baby.  

The poor thing has some kind of horrible stomach virus that has kept him from keeping even the tiniest sip of water down or in.

He looks really horrible.  We call him a skinny kid, but weight wise he really isn't that skinny, however after just 12 hours of being sick and his cheeks were hollow and his eyes sunk back into his head.  

I hope he is past the worse of it now and can start recovering.  I am so grateful that he was here at the house and not on campus when it struck.  

Truly blessed that Loni was able to go get him some more supplies last night.  I had been out earlier, but he was going through everything so fast, and once he started getting dizzy I was afraid to leave him at home alone. 

Would Have Been My 31st Wedding Anniversary

Today would have been my 31st wedding anniversary.  To celebrate the boys, Kyle, Loni and I went to San Miguel's in McKinney for dinner.  We could have been seated sooner than we were, but I wanted my favorite waiter.  

Raymond and I used to go there for dinner on our anniversary.  When we first started going there it was only on special occasions because we couldn't afford to eat out very often.  Later as we were able to get more established we would go there every month or so, but our anniversary dinner was special.  If my aunt was in town, we would actually get to go without the boys and make a night of it.

Going there on January 2 just seems right. 

Welcome 2013!

Another year.  

I must admit I spent a good portion of the morning crying on the couch.  

There are so many things up in the air in my life.  There are so many things I see that are not right and I cannot fix.  There are so many things I need Raymond here to help me with.  

I floundered in 2012.  I would like to hope I can flourish in 2013, but I am not sure I have the strength.  

One thing is for sure, as April approaches and the year of "Finding Me" comes to an end, I can say that I have not "found me."  I am no where close to being "found."

Goodbye 2012

Goodbye 2012.  I can't say you are sorry to see you go.  

Other than the two wonderful trips I took, my friends, family, and my two fantastic boys, 2012 was emotionally rough on me.  

The past came roaring back on New Year's Eve, 2011 and just kept coming. It made me face a lot of old stuff and brought up so much hurt, love, and confusion that I thought I had dealt with 35 years ago.  

I would like to say that I had dealt with all of it and none of it would be following me into 2013, but that would be a lie.  All I can hope is that I will learn to accept what happened and learn to live with the regrets, because the one thing I learned in 2012 is that the regrets are there and I cannot make them go away.

Christmas, 2012

Christmas 2012 was the first Christmas without the oldest. He was here the Friday before to enjoy family Christmas with Loni, Mina, Stan, his fiancee, and the youngest.  On Saturday we went to see the Hobbit, then the oldest and his fiancee opened their family gifts and Santa gifts and went to her parents for the holiday.

Loni came over Christmas Eve, as did Kyle, but our power went out and Loni left with Kyle so she would have a skunk patrol with her.  

Christmas Day Loni came over for breakfast and then we opened Santa stocking gifts.  We had our Christmas ham sandwiches with mac n' cheese and then I had to send Loni home because the snow was coming down hard and I wanted her home safe.  

The boys, December 22, 2012, celebrating the Christmas season and getting ready to go see The Hobbit. Did you notice they are wearing the same shirt?  That is what happens when I let them dress themselves.