May

I'm finding it very difficult to get through each day of this month.

I had a wonderful time with my youngest yesterday. We went to the Live Green Expo in Plano, Texas and learned so much. He was fascinated by all the different ways to live "green" and he asked some excellent questions at the booths. He also couldn't believe that they gave out free stuff.

After the Expo we went to Wells Bros. Feed Store and signed up for their drawing and he received a stuffed animal. We then went on to a pet store, Sprouts (where we bought his favorite, corn on the cob), Target, another pet store, and finally the library. We laughed, talked, teased each other. It was a terrific six hours.

Then we went home. Home where I did not have to concentrate on traffic. Home where there were no distractions like whether or not to buy green or red pears. Home where he had a project to work on for school. Home where I had a chance to reflect on how much Raymond would have enjoyed the Expo. Home where I am constantly bombarded by flashing pictures of Raymond.

I see Raymond sitting in the kiddie pool with the boys when they were young. I see Raymond mowing the field on the tractor he loved so much. I see Raymond sitting at the table playing chess with one boy and then the other. I see Raymond hunched over in pain. I see Raymond laughing at some crazy plot we have thought of with regard to whatever issue we are all rabid over, even though we would never follow through. I see Raymond lying in that hospital bed in the living room having an anxiety attack because he couldn't remember why he was confined to the bed. I see Raymond painting in that hospital bed. I see Raymond looking at a snake in a tank that my youngest has brought in and placed in the hospital bed to be researched and admired. I see Raymond dying in that hospital bed. I see Raymond gone in that hospital bed. I see Raymond's body being taken out by the mortuary men, with the face uncovered because they thought we would like to see him again, even though we have been sitting with the body for 4 hours waiting for them to come and transport the body for the Willed Body Program.

At least the pictures are mixed between happy, sad, and bizarre. It doesn't matter though because they all make me anxious. I don't know how I will get through this month.

My friends are all sympathetic. I appreciate each one of them, but they can't help me through this.

On May 31st it will have been one year. He is not coming back.

I don't understand how this happened to us. I see these pictures in my mind of us happy and doing the best to raise wonderful boys that will be responsible citizens. I know how good Raymond was and I see how evil other people are and I don't understand.

I tell myself I need to get through May. I'm not thinking about June. I really won't get through May, if I don't think June will be better.