Random Brain Questions of the Day

Why is there a warning on my multi-vitamin saying that it contains the same amount of caffeine as one cup of coffee?

What would I look like if I quit plucking my eyebrows, and other hairs that seem to jump onto my chin just to embarrass me when I am in a crowd, for a whole year?

Why did the Sonic carhop lady have to tell me that I had blue marker all over the side of my face today? Why didn’t one of my family members tell me? How long did I walk around today with blue marker all over my face?

Does anyone even notice that we have a governor other than at election time? (Has anyone noticed how our governor is looking old and haggard?)

Why does the hair get wider but not longer?

Am I the only one that gets creeped out by seeing John McCain standing there with that strange grin on his face?

What could have been cured by now if all the money spent on Super Bowl advertising was spent on medical research?

Homework #5

Today I:

• Went for a walk until I was too cold to walk any further
• Did not order anything at Sonic when the rest of the family was indulging

Sitting Up

It is 3:16 a.m. and I am up with a sick child. The youngest is complaining of stomach issues and I am sitting up while he tries to sleep on the couch.

I would try to sleep too, and may in a moment, but he gets up every five minutes and that worries me.

Sitting up in the chair with a sick child brings back all those memories of all the nights I sat up with Raymond. It makes me thankful that this is just a stomachache.

I will live through a night without sleep. I don't know if I could live through one of my children suffering the way Raymond did.

When Raymond was diagnosed with a cancer that is normally considered a childhood cancer we both so thankful that it wasn't one of our boys. In fact, as soon as we came back from getting the diagnosis I made an appointment with their pediatrician and asked him what the chances were of one of them developing osteosarcoma. Even though their doctor reassured me that it was not hereditary, my heart still skips a few beats whenever one of them complains of pain in their arms or legs.

My youngest is being brave and telling me to go on to bed as there is nothing I can do for him. I think I will sit up a little longer and county my blessings.

Homework #4

I read some positive affirmation cards.

I have tried these before. I'm not sure they really help me. My brain will not let me be that kind to myself. The whole time I am reading them I am thinking "I'm not worthy."

Homework #3

Stopped at the new Allen Farmer's Market and bought some fresh fruit. Just smelling the fruit in there makes me feel healthier.

Ordered a PuzzleBuddy because I haven't been able to work on any puzzles since my mom moved in. Working on puzzles helps with my stress levels.

Small things, but steps in the right direction.

Homework #2

My positive for today was that I took a nap.

I came home from work and was really tired. I looked at what needed to be done around the house and started for the junk food to help me get the energy (fallacy I know) to start on the work, but stopped myself, sat down and took a 30 minute nap. Feel better, kept out of the junk food, and now plan to get some work done.

Homework #1

I have homework for TOPS this week.

My homework assignment is to write something positive I have done for myself or about myself five times during the week. This is #1.

I have been extremely stressed lately. A lot of it is from pressure I put on myself. I have always been very hard on myself.

The stress has been so bad lately that I actually broke a tooth from gritting my teeth during a meeting. I have had knots in my shoulder, and I feel like I my nerves are exposed.

Tonight I was working on several projects at once that were all for other people. I have about 25 emails that need attention, and I feel as if I could scream for hours. So what did I do?

I put my computer away, took out my quilt and starting quilting. I could feel the stress going out of my shoulder and I stopped thinking about all the other projects and the emails.

That was very difficult for me, but it was definitely a positive step for my own benefit.

I Am Not Proud

I am not proud of myself today.

One of my best friends is making funeral arrangements for her mother, and I am arguing with mine.

I have been trying to hard to adjust to having Mom here and tying to adjust to her current mental status and our daily life. Today I just wasn’t able to adjust.

OK, I do not have a model home. I don’t mind if the floor isn’t swept but once a week. I don’t mind if things get a little dusty. In fact, since I have had children, I have learned to live with a lot of things I would not have put up with BK (before kids). The one place I have never been able to compromise is my kitchen sink, counters, cooking and eating utensils, dishes, pots and pans, etc. I have very strict standards when it comes to those areas. I am terrified of getting food poisoning in my own home.

The one area of my home that my mother is able to still feel useful is in my kitchen. She can load the dishwasher, wash the pots and pans, and unload the dishwasher. Unfortunately, she has good memory days and bad ones. On the bad ones it is hard for me to deal with her in my kitchen.

I have learned to deal with the knives, forks, and spoons being in the wrong drawers as to their pattern. I have learned to deal with the fact that she can’t remember that there are 5 drawers in the kitchen and sometimes puts everything in one drawer and I can’t get the drawer open. I have learned to be very careful reaching in the drawers because she puts my very sharp knives in there instead of my knife block. I have made lots of adjustments.

However, today Mom wanted to wash the pots and pans along with the Tupperware items after lunch. No problem. We have done that together ever since she moved in. I put the big pot in the sink and filled it with hot water and soap to start soaking while gathering everything else together. I told Mom to wash the pot first and then we would start on the plastic items. The pot was the dirtiest. I turned around to clean the stovetop and when I looked back at Mom she was washing the plastic stuff in the soapy water in the dirty pot. I explained to her that she couldn’t do that and why, moved the plastic stuff over, started her on the pot and went back to the stove. When I turned around again, she was once again washing the plastic in the dirty water. This happened three times. The last time I corrected her she accused me of not telling her what to do. Well, I am ashamed to say I started yelling. I wasn’t screaming, but I was yelling.

I have this irrational theory that if I yell she will understand. It is the same as yelling at a deaf person thinking that they will understand you if you yell.

As if I yelling at her wasn’t enough to make me feel like I was equal to the devil, when I came home from afternoon errands, I came home to find oven racks that look better than when I bought the oven. The youngest had burned some pizza cheese onto two of the racks and I had asked Mom if she wanted to use a SOS pad to try to clean the rack or if she wanted me to do it. She said she would do it while I was gone. It turns out that she spent almost 2 hours cleaning the racks. I couldn’t believe it. There were only a couple of places with stuck on cheese, but she cleaned every spot off of each rack. I felt horrible because if I had been here I would have never allowed her to stand on her feet that long, or work that hard.

No, I am not proud.

Bright Spot

I have real issues with sleeping. The last week or so has been particularly brutal. I have been averaging around 3.5 hours of sleep a night, and most of that is very fitful. Due to these sleep issues, I am often sitting up in my chair in the living room at night until long after others have gone to bed. When I do go to bed, I have to leave on the living room lights until I can open the bi-fold door that separates the living area from the bedroom area and use the light from the living room to see to get to my room and turn on another light, then it is back to the living room to turn off that lamp.

My youngest has started turning on my bedside lamp at night so I won't have to return to the living room to turn off the lights.

The simple turning on of that lamp is a wonderful bright spot in my day. Seeing that light from that lamp as I open the bi-fold door warms my heart and makes me smile.

That lamp light let me know I am cared for.

Being a Human, Human Being

Today I feel like I am being punished because I am a human being with real problems, just like all other human beings.

I am not in a good place. Too many people depending on me. Too many people that want me to take care of them. Too many people not understanding that I can only do so much. I am not mentally or physically up to it right now.

Too much guilt when I am not able to do meet all the needs of others.

Few People Know

Few people know that I sat in my recliner for almost a year, from August 2006 until June, 2007.

I would take my youngest to school, come home, get in my recliner, turn on the television, and there I would stay until it was time to pick him up again. I would make phone calls, answer emails, pay bills, do everything I could to make it look like I was holding on, but I wasn't.

Oh, I would go out to lunch with friends, take my mother shopping, and on weekends - I did what normal people do with their families. It was just during the school day when it wouldn't freak the boys out that I would sit in my chair.

For years, the doctors tried to get me to take anti-depressants. In fact, since the day Raymond was diagnosed with cancer, but I refused.

In July, 2o07, I finally gave in and agreed. I started the first anti-depressant the day the boys left for a three week camp. I slept for almost the full three weeks. It was great. I have always had sleep issues, and this was like I was finally catching up from years and years of sleep deprivation.

Unfortunately, it turned out that I was too sensitive to the drug, so we tried another, and then another, and yet another. So far we have not found a drug that I can take without eventually developing side effects that make it impossible for me to continue the drug. The good news is that I am beginning to feel as if I can get by without the drugs.

I still have sleep issues, but my chair time is down to about 4 hours a day. Each day I feel as if I am making progress. I hope it continues, because if it doesn't, I am going to have to find the money for a new chair.

Accomplishments

Accomplishments

I have been reviewing my 2007 accomplishments. I have to say it really wasn’t that bad of a year:

I finally started this blog, something I had wanted to do for at least 2 years.

I actually signed up and completed a quilting class.

I ended the year with a weight loss.

I handled several small crises without freaking out too much.

I got a lot of exercise.

I adjusted to having my mother live with me.

I started a job that seems to completely fit my needs for many reasons.

I picked myself up off the floor more times than I wish to confess and got through the day.

I made some new friends.

I was able to swallow some bitterness and reach out to someone that I really do not trust or care for in order to set an example. Whether the people I tried to set an example for took notice, I cannot say, but I took notice.

I got out of my chair.

Total Fascination

I am so totally fascinated by the blog:

http://celebritycosmeticsurgery.blogspot.com/

I am always interested in human behavior, and the people addicted to plastic surgery definitely peak my interest.

It freaks me out what people do to their body in order to stay “young” or “beautiful” or “marketable.”

I can understand having bad teeth fixed. That can be a health issue was well as cosmetic. I can understand having surgery to correct sinus issues, or any other surgery that simply improves your health, but how does having extremely fat lips improve your life?

Some of these people will never look normal again.

I am not one of the “beautiful” people. I’m okay with that.

I’m a good mother. I was the best wife I knew how to be. I am a good daughter. I also try really hard to be a good friend. I would rather be remembered for those things than for my looks. (Of course, if some people would rather remember be for my not so great looking looks – well then they have their own problems.)

Obsession

I am so sorry that it has taken me this many years to reach my goal of learning to quilt.

It is quickly becoming an obsession. I haven't made it to bed before 1 a.m. for several days and I just now had to hide my thread so that I can get ready to begin my day by running an errand and going to work.

Is my quilt going to be "show worthy?" No. Do I care? No.

This first one is a sampler. I am using it as a chance to try different things as I hand quilt. Some areas I am very pleased with my stitches. Other areas I have to look at and think - "it is my very first quilt."

It is very relaxing and I love seeing how the quilt changes with each stitch.

26th

Today would have been my 26th wedding anniversary.

I'm handling it better than I did last year.

Still wish I was celebrating it with Raymond.

We would have spent the day by going out for Mexican food and going to Half Price Books. It would have been a perfect day.

Instead, I'm going to work, and our friend JB is coming over and we will make ziti for dinner. Not the same, but I will be busy and for that I am thankful.

No Goals for Me

I got the dreaded email today. The first meeting of TOPS will be about our goals for the year. At no time are we required to state our goals or share, but I hate it. It makes me remember better times.

I refuse to set goals for myself. It is just too depressing.

I used to set goals. Raymond and I both did, but then cancer entered our lives.

Even after cancer struck, we would set goals. We would get excited about making plans to reach our goal and BAM cancer would do something to prevent us from reaching towards our goal. This happened to us about four or five times before I decided that goals were dangerous. It got so I would have an anxiety attack just thinking about setting a goal.

I am not saying that I am going to sit back and let everything stay status quo. It just means that I am not going to speak about my goals out loud. Something bad might be listening.

I am a firm believer that "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." (John Lennon). If I don’t say my plans out loud then life will just be life. Anything else that happens will just be extra life.