Another Year - No Goals

I have been reading blogs this morning as I try to get out of this fog I am in from very little sleep. Everyone seems to be setting goals. As L knows, I hate setting goals for a year. It is just too much pressure. As soon as I break one, even if it is just a blip, I feel so guilty I beat myself up for weeks. I don't need that, I beat myself up enough as it is.

There is one thing I will be doing again in 2009. I am going to stop drinking sodas. I went for years without drinking sodas except on rare occasion. However for the last six months I have been drinking Cokes again. I crave the stupid things. I know I should not drink them, that they are very bad for me, especially with diabetes in my family. I haven't been buying them for the house, but I have been having them in restaurants and I will pick one up at the drugstore once a week.

I went out and bought 3 six packs the beginning of this week. I am going to drink them and when they are gone that it is. Cold turkey. No sodas at any restaurants etc.

I know I will have caffeine withdrawal, but I am determined to quit.

Raymond Would Be So Proud (WARNING to my Republican friends, you will probably be offended)

My youngest drew this comic based upon a suggestion from one of his teachers (she actually told him that a picture of the Statue of Liberty holding a shoe would be a funny comic - she knows our family way too well). This is just the type of thing Raymond would have put on one of his blogs.

Isn't He Cute

"Sister" T and her husband gave me this cute guy for Christmas. He is sitting on the tree looking at me. He is just so cute!

Twilight Turtle

BFF Jill came over today (Christmas Day) and gave me Twilight Turtle! I love Twilight Turtle. My room has a semblance of blackout curtains so we were able to see a little of how it would look tonight, but I could not wait any longer today and I went into youngest's closet to see how it would be. It is soooo cool!. You can view the stars in three colors, blue, amber, green. Can you guess my favorite? The blue is nice too.

"Twilight Turtle Constellation Nightlight transforms your room into a starry night sky. This soothing night light is also an educational toy that entertains as it teaches. Twilight Turtle's starry projection is modeled after the night sky. Twilight Turtle has eight actual constellations, including the Big and Little Dipper, are visible within the star pattern.

Twilight Turtle projects the constellations in 3 soothing colors: Blue, Green and Amber. Each nightlight by Cloud B features a different view of constellations. These colors are known to help relieve tension and promote relaxation.

Features automatic time-out after 45 minutes. Three "AAA" batteries required, included.

By Cloud B. All ages."

Gift to Boss a Big Hit

My boss loved the Christmas gift I gave him. I was so glad. He sat down and read it, awed over the pictures, and laughed.

I gave him "The Brick Testament: The Ten Commandments" Check out "The Brick Testament" website. When you click on the picture for one of the stories, you can got through the story by clicking on the arrows at the top of the picture. I understand that some people may find this to be offensive, but I find it fascinating that someone has spent this much time illustrating the Bible is such a way.

I Had Fun Today

I went with the girls (L&M) to see "Four Christmases" today. I have wanted to see it since I saw the first trailer for it, but the boys were not too keen on going to see it, they would rather see "Frost/Nixon."

I loved the movie, and it was great to go with girls that were laughing at the same time I was. It was so much like some of my Christmases past. Not the having to go to divorced parents homes individually, but just the family part of it.

I really laughed at the line about how you can't have the word "families" without "lies." Raymond always made me tell the "lies" to get us out of things. The first time I had to lie was when he decided he did not want to stay in his parents home while we were there for just a couple of days. He told me to get us out of that house. Now I still did not know Raymond's parents very well, and I was still intimidated by his father so I waited until his mom was off to herself and went and told her we had to move to a hotel because I was trying to get pregnant and that the signs were that it was "time." I knew that she would not be able to tell Raymond's dad that and she would have to figure out something to tell him. Raymond's dad was still arguing with Raymond as he was loading everything back into the truck that we needed to stay at the house. I just kept saying it is really better for us to be in a hotel. Raymond's mom was looking a little shell shocked but she told his dad that it might be best if we go to a hotel. Problem solved, until the next time. I never did know why he would tell them we were going to stay with them, it never lasted more than a night before he was moving us to a hotel, and I was coming up with reasons for us to move out of the house.

Any way I really enjoyed the movie. Then the girls and I went to Cheesecake Factory, where I was surprised with another gift and they made their exchanges. It was so much fun.

Overwhelmed by the Love

The boys and I had a family Christmas celebration dinner tonight with my girls, Loni and Mina.

We had a wonderful meal at our favorite local italian bistro, the boys treated their "sisters/aunties."

After dinner and dessert, we exchanged gifts. My girls really overwhelmed me with their gifts this year. Their gifts were the type Raymond would have chosen for me.

Mina (with Loni holding the basket) went to Common Threads Quilting quilt shop in Waxahachie and bought me a basket (made out of fat quarters) full of beautiful fat quarters (with a green theme of course). I haven't been able to bring myself to take anything out of the basket, not even untie it, but I have been sitting here thumbing through the different fat quarters and the fabric is so soft. She did a terrific job of choosing each fabric. I cannot believe she, and Loni, took the time to pick out all that fabric. It truly was a labor of love. She also bought me some nice quilting accessories that I did not have and really did want.

Loni had a bag of goodies for me. She knitted me this adorable tiny green sweater ornament.

It looks so darn cute on the tree. She also gave me an ornament of a snow girl on the go, wearing a green sweater and holding a cell phone and a hot chocolate. Staying with the green theme she bought me a new Purell holder that is green, which means I can retire the reddish orange one that I hate. There was an initial bookmark with green accents, and a JoAnn's gift card (which I am sure I will use to buy green fabric). This was more than enough, but no, Loni had another surprise in the bag ... a beautiful green afghan that she made for me. It is in varying shades of sage green and looks like a patchwork quilt. It is the warmest afghan I have ever had. I have not taken it off since I got home and I cannot remember being this warm in this house. It reminds me of herbs and makes me feel all mother earthy.

Tomorrow the girls and I are going to go see a movie and I am so excited.

I thank the girls for making this Christmas so special and giving me so much love. The time they spent on their gifts to me mean more than the gifts. I am so blessed to know these two wonderful girls (I know they are grown, accomplished women, but they will always be the girls to me).

Christmas Tree '08

This is the view from my chair right now. Without moving my head I can see the lighthouse that I got from Loni one year, it changes colors, the "Yertle the Turtle" ornament from Jill, the ornament my nephew made in 5th grade when he was living with us, lots of ornaments from the collection my aunt has started for the boys, several favorites the boys have made, including the oldests' tin soldier, and a few other turtles here and there.

Some of the ornaments were on the earliest trees I can remember from my childhood. The wreath on the wall was made by my best friend in high school and I have had it since early in my marriage.

The stars on the top were made by the boys with Raymond's help. The silver foil one is the one the oldest made when he was very small, and the yellow crayoned one was done by the youngest when he wanted his own star too. The foil one is in need of new foil, but I just can't bring myself to refoil it knowing that Raymond held that foil in his hand and helped our oldest son wrap it around the cardboard.

There are 3 smaller trees in the room. A fiber optic that was my mother's and is on a table with more of her decorations. A green ceramic tree on the fireplace was a gift to my mother from my father back in 1974. He had it in the trunk of his car when he had an ulcer perforate in his stomach and almost died. When Mom went to see him in the ICU he told her to make sure she looked in the trunk. He was working in three states at the time and he had asked his landlady in South Carolina to make the tree for my mother. There is another white ceramic tree with red cardinals in the kitchen pass through window that my parents won as a door prize at the home builders' annual Christmas party.

Two nativities are set up in the living room. A wooden one with glued in figures under the big tree that is also from as far back as I can remember in my childhood. A sculpted cloth one that my mother made for the oldest when he was born is in front of the fireplace. We call the baby Jesus in that one "potato Jesus" because of the extra piece my mom made so Jesus could be seen in the cradle. The boys were always running off with "potato Jesus" when they were little because he fit so well in their hands. This was a nativity scene they could play with and not break so they loved it when we would put it out within their reach during the holidays.

It is so pretty in here at night when we turn on all the trees and various lit decorations. Seeing all the special decorations brings back so many wonderful memories.

Now it is Just Stockings 3

The boys put up the Christmas tree and decorations in the living room on Tuesday when we had an ice day off school. We used to decorate several rooms of the house, now we just decorate the living room because it is the only room we are ever in more than five minutes. It looks so pretty.

Today I put the stockings out. My mother made us all stockings a long time ago. Raymond and I got ours the first year we were married, and she made each of the boys one for their first Christmas. The stockings for the boys match. Mine has eyelet at the top with a green ribbon and bells. Raymond's has a tie (and is in storage). Mom never got around to making one for dad and her, so theirs were different from ours, but their stockings were always up next to ours since they spent every Christmas with us once the boys were born.

It seems so weird to be down to just three stockings. We had six in 1997. Then dad passed away in 1998 and it was five stockings that year. Raymond died in 2006 and we were down to four stockings that Christmas. Mom died this year so now we have three lone stockings. I have two on one side of the fireplace and one on the other.

The boys are now 15 and 18, and I have been thinking a lot lately about how I will be all alone in just a couple of years. The three stockings are a reminder for me to savor each second I have with the boys as they will soon have families of their own, and I will just be an extension of their life.

Three stockings on the fireplace make me sad, but not nearly as sad as I will be when there is just one.

Probably Not What They Were Going For

I just saw the commercial for Dolce & Gabbanna's Light Blue fragrance. I almost fell out of my chair laughing. I am pretty sure that is not the result they were going for with that scene of the man in the woman in the boat, but I found it hilarious. Here is a small clip of it:
http://technorati.com/videos/youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DOWnBvaDleYQ
I had such a good laugh over the boat ad that I went to look for others, and I found this one for underwear. It is even funnier.
http://technorati.com/videos/youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DEWdINUZZzBs

BFF and I at Breakfast for Santa

My BFF Jill and I have known each other over ten years and I cannot remember us ever having a picture made together. Last week when we went to Breakfast with Santa one of the church members took our picture and sent me a copy. I think we look pretty good. (She is the beautiful blond on the left, she is also the older one.)

Still Up

I'm sitting here, wanting to go to bed, but cannot yet as it sounds as if there is a war going on in the house. Eight almost 15 year olds playing computer and video games while yelling insults at each other.

My youngest is having his 15th birthday party tonight. It is a sleepover, for those that could stay, and it has been going on since six p.m. They just finished playing the tradition at his parties, midnight tag. Nice full moon for it.

Oldest was out with them, and stayed out to long and had an allergy attack. He is allergic to the cold and isn't supposed to stay out in it too long. Came in with swelling, rash, itching, and constriction in his throat. We are watching him carefully. He doesn't want to take the medicine because it will knock him out and he is playing games with the party crowd.

I had my own little party tonight. BFF Jill came over and had dinner with the oldest and me. Homemade chili, green chili dip, carrot sticks, cheese, crackers, and sweet pickles (ok, I am the only one that ate the pickles). Then Jill worked on cutting and fringing blankets for wounded soldiers while I worked on the turtle quilt. After she finished cutting a blanket she would rest and I would tie. She finished up two beautiful blankets. She went home really tired.

Hopefully this crowd will quiet down soon and I can get some sleep.

Crying All the Time

It seems that I spend all my time crying these days. I read a news story, I cry. Someone tells me a happy story, I cry. As I read a book, watch television, talk to a friend, sit quietly in my chair, work a puzzle in bed, I cry.

I miss Raymond more every day. There are so many things going on with the boys these days, and as each one reaches a milestone, or an accomplishment, I cry because I know Raymond would be so proud. Raymond was a very good father. He was a very involved in the boys lives. I hate that he is missing so much.

It doesn't help that the youngest is having a birthday and that it is Christmas.

It also doesn't help that I have been feeling sorry for myself. I have no right to feel sorry for myself because I really don't have any problems compared to a millions of people, and I tell myself that every day. Yet, here I sit feeling sorry for myself.

Here comes the waterworks again. I am probably going to be severely dehydrated before I get through all this stuff.

I really miss being pampered. Raymond really spoiled me and I miss it. I miss the morning back rubs. I miss the kind words. I miss all the little things. I miss the way he was always trying to find a way to make my life better.

I miss the companionship.

As each day passes I believe I go deeper into a grief state. Will it ever get any better? Will I continue to spend all my time crying?

Hawk in the Neighborhood

It is no secret on this blog that I truly believe that Raymond checks up on me as a hawk. Imagine my surprise when one of my neighbors asked me if I knew that a hawk on our street had eaten five of her chickens. (Ha, a Chicken Hawk!) She said he was a beautiful hawk. She sent me some pictures of the hawk taken by one of our other neighbors. He is so beautiful he takes my breath away.

I had a "moment" wtih a Leaf (?)

It was just a flicker on the right side of the windshield as I was driving up the road. It was so quick I wasn’t sure I really saw actually anything. I looked again as traffic started to slow, there was nothing out on the hood of the van.

As I sped up with the traffic something skittered across the bottom of the windshield. So fleeting, that I was beginning to think I was imagining things.

I stopped at a red light. As I leaned forward to see if there was anything on the hood, it was there. A brown leaf unlike any brown leaf I had seen before. It had eyes. Little black intelligent eyes were on this brown leaf and they were staring at me from the other side of the windshield.

I remember my mouth formed an “O” yet I don’t remember hearing a sound. No sound. No sound of the wind, which was blowing at a steady pace. No sound of the traffic passing by me. Nothing. It was just the leaf and me, sharing a moment.

Then it was over.

I swear that leaf winked as it took off from my windshield. I did not get the impression that it blew off the windshield. It took off from the windshield. I tried to follow its path, but it was gone. Its take off actually reminded me of how “Mary Poppins” would lift off with her umbrella, only this “leaf” was “Mary” at warp speed.

As I continued on in my van I started looking at the leaves still on the trees up and down the road. Maybe all these years that man has been looking for signs of life in outer space have been wasted. Maybe we should have been looking at the leaves all along.

Day in the Sun

Today the youngest took the turtles out of the pond and turned them loose in their enclosure so they could check it out, and hopefully figure out they are no longer in a aquarium.

I enjoyed watching them scamper over the rocks, sunning themselves, and playing in the leaves. One guy didn't want anything to do with being out of the water and jumped back in. One of the peninsula cooters was really enjoying the sun. He sat teetering on the edge of the pond for a long time. He was catching bugs. We decided to name him "Buggy" since we had not named him. He is adopted, along with his cousin. The lady we adopted them from had named them Chomper and Little Foot, only she did not tell us which was which. We have been trying to think of new names for them because the ones she gave them did not seem to fit them.

I was truly fascinated by the goldfish in the hour or so that I sat enjoying the pond and supervising the boys in their chores. The goldfish all faced west, not really swimming, just treading water and facing west. A turtle would swim by once in a while and mess up the formation, but as soon as the water settled, the fish started facing west again. (The youngest did notice that some of the gray goldfish were not facing west, but almost every single orange one was facing west. What is that all about?

Have Some Free Time - Donate Rice

I read about this website yesterday, and today I decided to try it.

If you have some free time, please try out the questions on www.freerice.com instead of playing solitaire. For each answer you get right, 20 grains of rice will be donated to the United Nations World Food Program in an attempt to end world hunger.

Shopping with BFF

It is no secret I hate to shop. Thank goodness I have a BFF that will go shopping with me and put up with me.

My BFF J and I started our morning out by having breakfast with Santa at the church, then we went shopping. I had coupons to Kohl's so that is where we went. At the first Kohl's I found several tops but only after I tried on about 12.

We then hit another Kohl's where I did not find any more tops, but I did find a rug to put under my desk at work because my feet get so cold on that tile floor, an ornament for BFF J, a new mug to drink out of at work, and a green towel with a sunflower on it ... kitchen or bathroom?

One more stop at Hallmark to spend BFF J's coupons and where I got a new reed diffuser.

I kept BFF J out too long when she should have been home with her family, but I had such a great time. We just do not get to spend enough time together.

Hopefully she will get to come over next week and work on blankets for the wounded soldiers.

Two Wolves

I really hate the emails that get forwarded to me with nasty racial comments about President Elect Obama. I hate the racial comments I hear about him inside my church. I hate the fact that I have not taken a stand against the emails, nor have I stood up to the people in the church. I have no good reason other than I have enough stress right now without feeling like I am at war with over half of the people I know.

I received this email tonight, ironically from some a person that tends to send the emails I consider to be racist. It sure would be nice if these people that send these emails would actually read them and take them to heart.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: 'Which wolf wins?'

The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'

89

89 is how old my dad would have been today. We probably would have been celebrating his 88th birthday since it wasn't until about six months ago that we realized he wasn't born in 1920 like we believed.

I miss my dad.