Staying Focused

I have really been focusing on my weight for the past 6 months.  I have managed to lose 38.2 pounds since January, 2014.  Of that 38.2 pounds, 25 of those pounds were lost since January, 2015. 

I did it by focusing only on 5 pounds at a time.  I found that if I looked at the large amount of weight I needed to lose I would get depressed and think "I will never lose that much weight."  Once I started just focusing on five pounds at a time I found I could stay on track. 

I weigh myself every day.  I do not deprive myself of things I want, but I make sure I ask myself each time "Is it worth it?"  Just yesterday I really wanted to buy a $1.00 box of Red Vines, but I knew if I bought it I would eat the entire box.  I stood in line at the grocery looking at that box of Red Vines and thought about how it would taste, how I would feel afterwards, and would the taste of the Red Vines be worth how I felt afterwards.  The Red Vines stayed on the shelf.

I often crave something salty and sweet. I have found that 9 almond M&M's in a bowl of 40 whole grain Goldfish is just right to take care of that craving, and  I make sure I log it into my food log on MyFitnessPal.

My exercise is getting 7,000 steps every day I can because it gets me points with my health insurance program where I am awarded with money based on my points each quarter. Some days I get more steps, but I definitely try for 7,000.  I have earned all my money each quarter. 

I have been cleaning out my closet each time I go down a size.  I am no longer buying clothes in the plus size section of the stores.  I have a friend who shops with me and makes sure I buy clothes that fit me and I don't go back into the "baggy" look. 

I still have a very long way to go, but I think I can keep on the program.

I am less than 5 pounds away from weighing what I did 23 years ago when I became pregnant with my youngest child.  That is my next goal.  After that I will be 10 pounds away from weighing what I did when I got pregnant with my oldest child 27 years ago.  I am very exited about reaching those numbers again. 

Staying focused is what it is going to take. 

Next Please

After a very emotional three hour phone call yesterday with tears on both sides, and just a couple of chuckles, I think I am starting to figure some things out.

I am very control oriented which means I like planning.  In my heart and head I have always thought that in the end things would work out.

Now I should have learned years ago that this is not true, since to date nothing has turned out like I planned in my head, but I never seem to learn.

I cannot imagine living without a plan in my head.  I am getting better at adjusting the plan as I move through the day, months or years, but I need my plans. 

This latest adjustment is huge since it has been part of my life since before high school graduation.  I have been tweaking this plan for months, but now it is about to be totally thrown out.  I am sure I can get it out of head, but it will never ever leave my heart.

It is more painful that I ever thought possible given what it is, and I know I will shed many more tears over the years over not understanding why it could never be, just as I will over not having Raymond still with me.

My next step is to develop a new plan in my head.  I don't think this one will be as specific as the one I am throwing away.

I almost feel as if I need to have a ceremony to throw away this one, but I am not strong enough for that yet.

In the meantime, I will just say "Next Please!"