After a very emotional three hour phone call yesterday with tears on both sides, and just a couple of chuckles, I think I am starting to figure some things out.
I am very control oriented which means I like planning. In my heart and head I have always thought that in the end things would work out.
Now I should have learned years ago that this is not true, since to date nothing has turned out like I planned in my head, but I never seem to learn.
I am very control oriented which means I like planning. In my heart and head I have always thought that in the end things would work out.
Now I should have learned years ago that this is not true, since to date nothing has turned out like I planned in my head, but I never seem to learn.
I cannot imagine living without a plan in my head. I am getting better at adjusting the plan as I move through the day, months or years, but I need my plans.
This latest adjustment is huge since it has been part of my life since before high school graduation. I have been tweaking this plan for months, but now it is about to be totally thrown out. I am sure I can get it out of head, but it will never ever leave my heart.
It is more painful that I ever thought possible given what it is, and I know I will shed many more tears over the years over not understanding why it could never be, just as I will over not having Raymond still with me.
My next step is to develop a new plan in my head. I don't think this one will be as specific as the one I am throwing away.
I almost feel as if I need to have a ceremony to throw away this one, but I am not strong enough for that yet.
In the meantime, I will just say "Next Please!"
This latest adjustment is huge since it has been part of my life since before high school graduation. I have been tweaking this plan for months, but now it is about to be totally thrown out. I am sure I can get it out of head, but it will never ever leave my heart.
It is more painful that I ever thought possible given what it is, and I know I will shed many more tears over the years over not understanding why it could never be, just as I will over not having Raymond still with me.
My next step is to develop a new plan in my head. I don't think this one will be as specific as the one I am throwing away.
I almost feel as if I need to have a ceremony to throw away this one, but I am not strong enough for that yet.
In the meantime, I will just say "Next Please!"
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