What a Sweetie

Randy gave me permission to blog some of the things he says to me in private messages.  Maybe someday my kids might read some of his words and realize I had a life before I became who I am now, and outside of being their mom. 

There were many gems tonight, but the one that made me laugh was: "You know if I could bottle all the sweet things and encouragement you've given me, it would be a cross between Red Bull and honey, energy and sweetness, in the same container.I love you bigger than infinity, unconditionally"

A Dear Old Friend

You have to love a man who sends you a message saying "If there was more than infinity, it would not be enough to tell you how much I love you." 

My handsome Randy, who accepts me as I am, does not expect me to apologize for who I am, and assures me by sending a message saying "I only want you to be what makes you happy, you would not be you if you were not real. The irony of that is why I love you so much."

My dear old friend.  Thank you for accepting and loving me. My wish for you is that you find someone deserving of all you have to give.  I love you too, may we never lose touch again.
 
 

Disappointed

I was expecting a visit from an old friend this weekend.  I haven't seen her since the oldest was 2 1/2, so the fall of 1992.  

We have been friends since 7th grade.  I am four days older than she is and she never lets me forget it.  All through high school, even when I moved away, we stuck it out.  I can't tell you how many times we switched boyfriends.  I was her maid of honor in her wedding, and she was my matron of honor.  

We had plans for the weekend. She was going to bring her sewing machine and I was going to teach her how to make eyeglass cases, wallets, table runners, and other small items.  I was really looking forward to us spending the time sewing and catching up.  

Neither one of us has ever been big on calling the other one, unless there is a tragedy.  A death of a friend, a grandparent, or a parent usually warrants a call.  She didn't call when she found out she had breast cancer.  She told me that through an instant message, and only after I felt something was wrong.  We have always had that kind of connection, a knowledge when the other one is in trouble, or thinking of the other one. 

I can't exactly remember what we were doing in the school hall way one day, but I remember exactly which hall way we were in and that we were laughing hysterically when we bumped into one of our teachers.  We both had him for a class, but we weren't in the same class.  He seemed surprised that the two of us knew each other.  He looked us over as if he was summing up the situation and said "That figures, birds of a feather flock together."  Then he shook his head and walked off.  

I'll miss her this weekend.

Facebook Comes Through

I have been so sad lately.  Lots of reasons to be sad, but I usually can come through it okay, but I am not shaking this one. It is not that I am depressed, I am just sad.  

I knew yesterday that today would be a very bad day, and would add to my sadness.  I was struggling trying to get through my morning and decided that I needed to listen to John Prine on Spotify while I worked.  I also decided to post about it on Facebook because a Facebook friend and I have a running thing going about John Prine.  

My Facebook post said: "It is a John Prine day because I need an old friend today." My John Prine friend posted back a little something and I thought that was it for that post.  It was the answer I expected.

A few minutes later my phone pinged a text message.  The message was from a very dear friend who is always in my heart and keeps up with my Facebook page.  He asked me "You OK?"  I answered him that I was very sad, but not allowed to discuss why.  I also told him I was deeply touched by his concern.  A few texts back and forth and we are having lunch on Friday.

Now I know I he can't cure my sadness, but he can heal a lot of my wounds.  I can't wait to see him.  Facebook really came through for me on this one.

Art that Moves My Soul

Dan Dutton creates art that moves my soul.  His is true to his roots and Kentucky.

He was Raymond's friend growing up and I spent some time with him during our dating life.  Raymond even wrote about him in the letter he wrote to the boys when he found out he was dying. 

Thanks to the internet I can keep up with what Dan is creating.  I often find myself dreaming of living at Dandyland.

http://www.dandylandmuse.blogspot.com/

As the World Turns...Kentucky Style!

As the World Turns...Kentucky Style is what Loni is calling the latest turn of events in my life.

Since I have been on Facebook, three old boyfriends have declared their unconditional and everlasting love for me.

One I consider to be just at an age where he is afraid of being alone and since I am single...  I made it quite clear to him that we broke up for a reason.

The other two I believe do love me.  What type of love it is I don't know, but there is no doubt in my mind that they both love me.  I had long term relationships at different times with both of them.  One of them had problems I couldn't deal with and I finally sent him away for good.  The other relationship ended due to circumstances beyond my control.  Both of these men have always had a very special place in my heart, and of course Raymond knew all about both of them.

When Loni was here the other night she asked me how many more old boyfriends might pop up and I started thinking about the guys I dated and the relationships. Since my parents allowed me to start "dating" on chaperoned group dates at 14 and I didn't get married until 22 I had a lengthy dating period to add guys to my "dance card." So yes, there could be more guys out there to "pop up."  

In the beginning I would date a guy exclusively but when one guy broke my heart my senior year in high school I started dating pretty much anyone that asked me out and did not go steady with anyone.  It used to irritate Raymond that I would sometimes have more than one date in one night.  He didn't like to be told he had to leave at a certain time because the "late" shift was coming over.  Raymond would also get irritated that by the time he would come into town I would have seen the two movies playing in town four - six times.  (Good thing that man loved me so much, he put up with a lot of crap from me.)

Once a date and I had seen both of the movies playing in town, our dates took place in my parents house.  Sometimes we just watched television, or listened to music and played board games.  One guy in college would buy all the food and I would cook him dinner after my parents had finished their meal.  I never expected a guy I was just dating to spend money on me.

I did date an older guy that was one of my brother's friends from New York and he liked to go to Lexington for our dates.  We would go to the movies, or out to a really nice dinner and dancing.  He and I would alternate on who paid.  He and I would also go on wonderful picnics.  We would buy great cheese, olives, crackers, fruit and deli meats and head off to our favorite park and spend hours talking and looking at the lake.  We watched a lot of sunsets together.  

One summer I dated three guys named Gary because my dad kept calling my dates by the wrong name and I decided to make it easy on him. 

Unfortunately, five of the  guys I dated are no longer with us on earth.  There may be more who have passed, but I have no idea what happened to some of the guys after I moved to TX.

In all the years I dated, only one guy actually broke up with me.  I was usually the one to say goodbye, but most of us stayed friends.  I chat with one of my old boyfriends on Facebook all the time.  He wanted to marry me, but I said "no."  He told me the other night that I made the right decision because of where he was in life at that time.  The funny thing is he moved to TX about the same time Raymond and I did.  He has lived south of Houston all this time. 

I always tried to be kind and not hurt anyone's feelings when I told them I didn't want to go out any more.  That only backfired a couple of times, and they usually got over it and would still hang around with my friends and me.  

For years I felt bad about one date I went on and how it ended.  I had a chance to tell the guy I was sorry when we met up on Facebook.  He accepted my apology and we had many wonderful chats before he passed away several months later.  

So it may be As the World Turns...Kentucky Style, but I met a lot of wonderful guys over the years and I have many fond memories, and very few bad ones, so I look forward to hearing from more old beaus.  

 

Woke Up Smiling

I woke up smiling this morning and almost giddy with happiness.  At first I thought it was because if you add up the hours I have slept in the last two days it would only equal six hours and I was probably delirious, but then I took an inventory and realized I was just really happy.  

Once my eyes were adjusted I checked my cell phone.  My friend Charles gets off work at 6:00 A.M. in KY and he sends me a good morning text before he goes to bed.  This morning's message read:

"Good morning my dearest sweetheart, may your day bring you much joy and happiness to your beautiful heart. Now that was a good one right there!!!!" So not only was I happy this morning, I was laughing.  Charles is a very sweet man, I hope he finds someone that will appreciate him and bring him happiness because he goes out of his way to make me smile each day.

I hope I can carry this happy feeling through the day and night since I will be working until 9:00 P.M.  If not, I can read my text again.  

I am surrounded by love no matter where I am, and I always have been.  Whether my friends are just down the road, or hundreds and hundreds of miles away, they are still my friends and they love me, even the ones I haven't seen in 35 years. 

So the finding me part of this is I need to figure out why I am so blessed.  What qualities do I have that makes anyone care for me enough to try to make me smile each morning?  I don't see myself as being that kind of person, but then I have self-esteem issues.

Everyone have a happy day!

53rd Birthday

Today was my birthday!  Oh yeah, it was the oldest's birthday too, he turned 22.

I heard from so many friends through Facebook, and each message touched me in a special way and brought back so many memories.

The preschoolers gave me a surprise party.  I love the card they made me.

I

 

Several different people called me at work and sang to me, there were wonderful emails, special gifts, and beautiful cards.  My favorite card came from my friend Laurie.  It was the perfect card!

Once home I received a special birthday call, and then I went out an worked in my rose beds.

It was Survivor Night so Loni came and brought me gifts from my grandcat, Mocha - a CCR cd and a Van Morrison cd.  Mochas personal shopper did a great job! 

I received a call during Survivor from Randy and I asked if I could call him back later.  

Loni had to leave after Survivor to do homework, so I turned Spotify to Van Morrison at full volume and took the phone out to the porch swing and called Randy back.  This was at 8:00 P.M.  I hung up the phone at midnight.  We caught up on our families. Randy loved my parents and we took turns telling stories about what went on back then with them and us.  I caught up on his parents and brother.  I always loved Randy's brother and it turns out he lived in Dallas for a while.  So different from Randy and yet so wonderful in his own way.  Then we had to talk about our kids and he told me about his grandchildren.  We reminisced about our years together good and bad, funny and not so funny.  Randy told me he had not laughed so hard in a very long time.  I found out about his experience with cancer, and some other health issues.  He was kind enough to listen to all my stories about Raymond and the boys.  Then it was on to music. 

Randy is the person that introduced me to John Prine, and many other artists.  We talked for over an hour about our favorite artists.   He gave me the names of some other artists he wants me to listen to, and I bet I will love them.  

I did ask him if he remembered how spectacular we looked together when dating and he said yes.  He said he always wanted to dress up for me.  Then we laughed about other little quirks we had. 

I think maybe having a new friend might be the best birthday present I could have received. 

I Worry So

One of my friends suffers from clinical depression.  He became suicidal last year and spent some time in a psych ward.  He was totally unable to function and work, and his family suffered in many ways, including a financial downfall that required them to sell their beautiful home.  His wife decided that it was just to much for her and they separated with her taking the kids.  His family was everything to him.  

He hates being alone.  He tells me it takes a lot of energy to get through every minute of the day.  He is praying his family is not damaged beyond repair but he doesn't know.  

I worry about him.  I haven't seen him since high school, but he was always a good friend to me.  We have reconnected like many of my classmates through Facebook.  He has reached out to me many times when he thought I might be sad. 

I don't know how to help him, except to remind him often that I care and am here to listen to him.  

I do worry about him so.  He was always so sweet. 

I pray his new therapy helps him get back to a place he can function and that his wife will give it all another chance.  

Good News

Good news today! My Kentucky friend does not have cancer. He has a torn muscle around his stomach.  It will need to be repaired eventually, but we are not worrying about that right now.  We are celebrating!

So Far Today Has Been Good

I am having a good day.

I spent two hours this morning watching a show that makes me cry, so I had a nice long cry.  I know some people find it strange that I enjoy a  day of crying, but it really helps me get through sometimes.

I scrubbed my bathroom.

I did a little dusting, make that very little dusting.

I emailed the wife of an old friend of mine who passed away earlier this year.  I wanted to make sure she knew I was thinking of her and her first holidays alone.  Even though you expect it, you are never ready for all the feelings that come up at each special occasion.  I have been thinking of him myself.  I remember last Christmas when he told me he knew it was his last one. I know he enjoyed the holiday, but I really cannot imagine what it must have been for him to watch his grandson open presents knowing that would be the very last time he would witness that toddler under  a Christmas tree. 

I have also been looking for a box I misplaced.  Not too hard though.  I am sure I will run across it eventually.  

Speaking of hidden boxes, I guess I need to figure out what I am getting the boys for Christmas.  I am hoping they will tell me over Thanksgiving.  At least my youngest has already ordered a game for  his birthday present.  I was going to give it to him early, but he said he wanted to get through finals before  getting into the game.  He is really doing great this semester, and I am very proud of his mature attitude about staying on track.

Tonight I will have dinner with the girls. Mexican food, you can't go wrong with that, unless you go to a sucky restaurant, and we know our Mexican restaurants around here.

I think I will go watch some more episodes of my show and cry for another hour before tackling the next project. 

I also need to start thinking about 2012 and what I hope to accomplish besides getting over my fear of traveling without my car so I can enjoy my trip to Alaska.

I might also want to start thinking about getting out of my nightgown sometime before I leave for the restaurant.

 

A Bus Ride A Long Time Ago

When I was a senior in high school, I took a field trip to Eastern KY Univ. with my Art Club. 

I am not sure what happened that day on the bus, only that it was magical.  

I just spent the last two hours IM'ing with a friend who was on the bus that day.  He also remembers that bus trip and said he has never forgotten it. Yet, other than a couple of small details, we have no specifics about the bus ride.

A few months ago I talked with another friend who was on that bus ride and once again heard how magical that day was.  

Three people on the same bus ride, coming away with the same feeling, and yet we cannot identify  why it felt that way.

I think it might be because we all became friends that day when we hadn't really known each other  before.  Friends that made such a connection on that bus ride we still are connected even though we haven't seen each other in years and years.

Very cool.

Old Friends

I have been reunited with some old friends through FB, but this week I was reunited with an old friend that I have wondered about and prayed over since 1981.

I am not sure you could call him an old boyfriend as we never really dated, but we were very close friends, and had a very special connection.  I met him through Art Club, and I was honored when he asked me to walk with him at graduation. 

The last time I saw him was after Raymond and I became engaged.  For many reasons it was a very hard goodbye, and I have wondered about him for years and no one I asked seemed to know what happened to him. 

The last I heard from him all those years ago he was in Pasadena, TX, and that was probably in 1983.  It turns out he is still there, married, and happy.

I cannot express how thrilled I am for him.  I always wanted him to find a love and be happy, and he did.  We are catching up through messages, and I am enjoying hearing about his life.  

There are only two or three more people that I have been worried about over the years.  Hopefully, I will find out they are well and happy too.

I Knew Her When

I knew Mary in high school.  She was always very talented.

Beach Ball's Journey

or Mary Van Tassel

I hope her book takes off.  She said she is writing a second one.

Nice to Remember

"The Big Chill" always makes me happy. The friendship, the music, and Kevin Kline.

The music brings back so many memories.

I know you cannot live in the past, but it sure is nice to go back once in a while and remember old friends and good times.