Not as Lost as I Thought

I am not sure how I feel about this year of "finding me" other than maybe I wasn't as lost as I thought I was last year.

If I use 1977, the year I graduated high school, as my starting point, I am still the basically the person.  I pretty much have the same core values and capacity to love as I did when I was 18.

My love and caring for seniors is still there.  I do my best to help others in need.  I can be swept away but my brain brings me back.

Wicked evil jokes still make me laugh out loud, and make me seem cruel, when actuality I am just relating to how cruel the world can be if you pay attention.

I don't mind being alone, but totally enjoy the company of others.  It would be easy for me to be a hermit.

My brain never ever stops thinking about the "what ifs" of my life and others, and some of those "what ifs" can still bring me to my knees in pain.

All in all I am who I am, and I don't see me changing.

I have come to realize more and more though that I don't have to keep people in my life that do not accept me, or make me anxious or unhappy in any way.  Life is too short and I put enough pressure on myself without the pressure of "friends" to change. I have lots of positive people in my life, and I need to stay focused on those relationships.

I am just "me."

You Want Artificial Sweetening? Ask Someone Else

I have a reputation for saying what I think when I am asked my opinion.  I tell people up front, don't ask me if you don't want to know what I think because I will tell you.  No sugar coming out of my mouth once you ask me point blank to tell you my honest opinion. It is who I am and it gets me in trouble all the time because even the people who know me best and know what they are going to get don't like it. Which I don't get sometimes, because it is just my opinion, and after all, who am I? 

Can I sprinkle sugar on people, yes, but not artificial sugar.  I believe in the raw pure sugar variety.  If I don't like your dress, I am not going to tell you how nice it looks on you, no matter how many times you run your hand over it and tell me how great it feels, especially if I think it makes you look like a ten year old boy in a bright pink dress.  I'm going to say "I'm glad you like it."  You can't make me say "It looks great on you!"

In trying to find me this year, I realize this is not something I would change. Have I lost people in my life because of it? Yes.  Do I want to not be me in order to have these people in my life? No.

Have I been attacked over my opinion? Most certainly.  I can think of two very specific instances where I was smacked around over things I had said.  Did I smack back?  No I didn't.  I could have come up with a laundry list of grievances too, but I refrained.  Is not coming back with the hurts and irritations that they have caused spreading artificial sugar? No. I accept people for who they are.  I embrace quirkiness in others.  What I will not do is subject myself to spending a lot of time with people who do not accept me for me.  Once I know a person cannot accept me as I am, then I cannot be myself around that person, and then there is no point.  I don't like hanging around with people who I know are being fake, I really wouldn't want to be around a fake me.  

I don't feel bad about this part of myself.  I have people who call me on a regular basis asking for my opinion about a problem with their children, medical issues, and a myriad of other topics.  They all tell me the same thing, we know you will tell us your opinion.  They also know they don't have to take my word as the final say.  It is just another take on things.  

So if you want some artificial sweetening to get you through the day, please ask someone else.

No Progress

Here it is almost October and I have made no progress in finding me.  Either I was never lost, or there is no me to find.  

 

Another thought I had was that I cannot find me here, because I was never here.  Sometimes I feel like my life is on hold just waiting for me to go back to find my place so I can start living again.  

 

Whatever, this year feels like a bust so far.  

This Feels LIke the Hardest Year Ever

2012 feels like the hardest year of my life to date.  I have felt so much pain, have had so many regrets, and it feels as if I have spent 3/4s of the year to date crying.  It is all so ridiculous.

I have had much rougher years.  My dad's illness when I was a teen forcing me to live with strangers, the years of infertility, ten years of my dad having Alzheimers, being diagnosed with a chronic disease at 37, my youngest as a baby through toddler years, Raymond being sick, Raymond being diagnosed, Raymond's treatments, being told that my youngest might have a heart condition, Raymond dying, mom's Alzheimers, mom's death, general issues with the boys, and the list just goes on. Yet, I feel as if a year where I went to Alaska with my family, my children did amazing in school, I saw Joe Cocker and I have had no major financial or health issue is my hardest year.  Something is not right with the world.

I know there are lessons to be learned in all that is going on in my life, I am just having trouble figuring it all out.  I think I am coming close to at least reasoning out a lesson I might be able to live with in the future, or at least convincing myself that "it is what it is."

In all of this pain and lessons learned, I have not lost the reality of how truly blessed I am in life, love and friends. That being said, this year of finding me sucks! I think I would rather stay lost.

Finding Me - Scary Stuff

This finding me year is scary stuff.  

One of the problems I have with finding me is that I never see myself as others do, and I am always surprised by what they have to say, usually pleasantly. I know it is because I have a bad self-image.  Something I have battled all my life, and don't see myself getting over any time soon.

Tonight the boys all asked me to play Citadels with them, so I went into the Man Cave and played a game.  During the game we were all talking about a project I have been working on, and all the advice I have been getting regarding said project. I mentioned to the boys that someone suggested I show my skill sets during this project, but that I was not sure I had any skill sets to show off.  The boys immediately started talking about how my skill set was that I was a people person.  The youngest said it was obvious by how strangers came up to me in stores to ask for help and/or tell me their problems or life story.  It was nice to hear what the boys thought. It was nice that they even notice.  

I will continue on this path of finding me, but I will do so with shaking knees and an upset stomach most of the time. 

No Hawk ~ What Does it Mean?

I have not seen a hawk since mid April when I started talking to Randy.  I find it very unsettling. 

The youngest has seen the hawk on the pool fence during the day when I am at work, so I know he is still around.

I haven't seen a hawk flying in any of the fields when I am driving, or on any of the poles where I usually see a hawk.  I have been looking, because I noticed right away when I stopped seeing the hawk.

What does it mean? I discussed with my friend at lunch the other day.  It could mean that I am finally doing what Raymond wanted and moving on. That theory makes me sad and happy at the same time.  Happy that I am doing what Raymond wanted and not letting him down.  Sad because I feel like I am losing a special connection.

I hope the hawk is not gone because he is disappointed in me.  That worries me sometimes.  

I miss seeing the hawk.

Music in My LIfe

Even though I can't sing, and the instruments I can play, I play badly, music has always been a huge part of most of my life.  My brother was always in a symphony or a band and my parents did not believe in babysitters, so I was always around to hear him play as a child.

As a teenager, songs started to take on special meanings and associations, and still do today.  There are some songs I cannot listen to without crying because of the association they bring to mind.  Some songs just remind me of certain people in my life.  

The Beatles' "Yesterday" was dedicated to me  during art class in 8th grade as a goodbye song by David L because I was supposed to move to Kentucky over the summer.  When our house was not completed in time and I went back to school in 9th grade, the song the played for me was "Guitar Man" when I finally moved at the end of the first semester.  Cindy, my best friend, had a Bread song played for me because we spent endless hours listening to Bread while playing canasta and babysitting her sister.

I cannot hear "I Dreamed Last Night" by the Blue Jays/Moody Blues without thinking of Randy.  It was our song.  It is how he ended all his letters to me.  We had a discussion about it when we first started talking again after 30 years.

Zac Brown's "Keep Me in Mind," "Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song" by B.J. Thomas, anything by Adele or Lady Antebellum all make me think of a really great friend and often make me cry.  

"Jumping Jack Flash" takes me back to a wonderful summer night in Ohio when I was visiting with my old friends.  It was the last time I saw one of them, as he died in a car crash before I could visit with him again.

The Band's "Last Waltz" and Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Freebird" take me back to Jan and the summer he and I dated. He was several years older than I was so dates did not mean a movie and a fast food place.  Dates with Jan were picnics with foods different than I had ever tried, and trips to Lexington to go to nightclubs or nice restaurants.  He took me to see "The Last Waltz," and "Freebird" was playing the night he left to go back to New York.  He was not a great love in my life, but I appreciated our times together.

The list goes on and on, but there is one person in my life who I have never attached any one song or band to, and that is Raymond.  Oh I hear a new song or band and wish he could hear it with me, but nothing that is just "us."  We listened to music, but it was just background noise to our conversations. I still find it odd  that I knew and dated him for four years, and we were married just shy of 24.5 years and there is not a special song.  Of course, I will never forget the time that he walked to the mall from the tire store to get me a Robert Earl Keen cd he knew I wanted even though he was already having trouble walking due to the undiagnosed tumor in his pelvic bone.  

When you get right down to the real music in my life it was Raymond. Everything he said to me was music in my ears, even when it wasn't nice, because not all songs are love songs.  He made my heart sing every day, and I'll never forget that feeling.  

I know I will never find another Raymond, but I won't settle on just any man to have a man either.

For Raymond:

Concert Night ~ 1st Up ~ Huey Lewis and the News

I was so excited to find out Joe Cocker was coming to the Meyerson Symphony Center this summer. It has been years since I have gone to a concert that wasn't a free and outside, but I love Joe Cocker, and he is getting older, how many more chances could I get?

My only problem I had with the concert was that Huey Lewis and the News was also part of the night.  Not one of my favorites when they were at the top of the charts, and certainly not my style now.

Despite Huey being part of the night, I decided to go.

Friday, July 20, was the big night.  I decided to go with an open mind and give Huey a chance, but by the third song I was bored.  Huey did provide me some entertainment with his moves.  He seemed to have four of them: white boy dance, marching band, wiggle butt, and drop down to one knee and take on the Thinker pose.  Huey must have been in the marching band in school based on his form during the marching move.

I did get tickled when he would turn his back to the audience and do this little wiggle butt, whether intentional or not.  All I could think about was the movie "Music and Lyrics" and Hugh Grant's character.

I spent a good portion of the Huey part of the night twiddling my thumbs and people watching.  I also made a trip to the bathroom, and talked to some other person wandering around.  I enjoyed watching the people that really love Huey and were into it, and it was fun watching them dance.

Huey Lewis can blow a harmonica though and the song they did off their Soulsville cd (a tribute cd) was good. He also knows how to work his fans.  All the musicians were very talented, it just isn't my style of music. 

I'm So Excited!

I am going to see Joe Cocker tonight!  I have loved his music forever.  

I am not one to go to concerts, but as part of my "Finding Me" I realize that I need to take advantage of opportunities available to me.  I saw the notice that Joe Cocker had a concert in Dallas, and I decided to go.  After all I may never get this chance again.  

The only downside is that Huey Lewis and the News is on the same venue.  I was never crazy about their music, but that is okay.  Their music doesn't make my ears bleed. 

Partial Makeover

I have a friend who used to be a cosmetologist. She came to visit today and decided to give me a partial makeover.  

She painted my fingernails a frosted minty green. (OK, I love green, but I am not sure I like it on my fingernails).

She braided my hair, which I find a miracle considering my hair is not very long.

Braided Hair

Despite what she considered to be a very limited supplies, since I really don't have a lot of makeup, she made up my eyes.

Made up eyes

Too bad I had no where to go.  I do believe she will be coming over to make me up before the Joe Cocker concert as I am a complete disappointment to her when it comes to fixing myself up.  

She really doesn't believe that I am fully capable of fixing myself up. I know that I just choose not to these days.  The truth is I would rather sleep in a little in the morning than get up early enough to put on all the makeup I used to wear in the earlier days.

I Continue to Find Me

As I continue to try to find myself again this year, I know the universe is leading me some where, but I am not sure where yet.

During the first part of the trip to Alaska, I missed Randy horribly, enough so Loni had to talk me out of calling him several times at high dollar cost since there were few times I could get service on my cell phone.  After all I had been talking to him every night since April 17, for hours and hours.  There were many nights we talked 8 hours straight.  However, in Anchorage, where I had cell service, I had a conversation with Randy where everything changed.  I actually felt my brain click after he said something.  It was a brain click I had felt before with him.  Several times in fact, every time I broke up with him in the past.  

I did treat this brain click different than I did in the past.  I decided to think about it for a week instead of just diving right in and telling him that the answer was "there will be no relationship other than friendship."  Of course he picked up pretty fast once I was home that there was something wrong. When the week was over and I finally told him, he was not surprised. He did surprise me though, by saying he wasn't giving up.  It totally threw me and I told him so.  I mean in the past he would just go away, and now he refused. He told me that he had grown up since the past and knew what he wanted now.  

His refusal has not changed my mind, and he has been good enough to back off and we mainly text now and talk on the phone once in a while.  It is nice to have him back in my life as a friend, but I know I have not made a mistake in deciding not to pursue this relationship as anything else.

The finding me in this experience has been the following:

• I don't want to get married again.
• I don't want to live with anyone.
• I would like to have a special man in my life that I could spend time with and talk to.
• I have not lost all my social skills in talking to a man.

Finding Me Continues

I continue on with my search for me. 

I went to the Watters Creek Arts Festival today, by myself, and wandered in and out of the booths talking to the different artists, some were new to me, others are like old friends and hugged me as I entered.

I had to laugh at some of the messages I received in some of the booths.  In one booth the first piece of art I saw said "Give Love a Chance."  

Another booth had some great car chimes.  The first one I picked up said "Trust" and then I grabbed the next one and it said "Believe in Yourself."  Before I was done going through all the booths, the universe had provided me several messages. 

At one point I called Randy and told him that I was being kicked black and blue at this festival.  He thought it was hilarious. 

I am going to keep my mind open and pay attention to the universe, but I can only be kicked so far!

I have noticed that hawk is staying silent.  

My Life Has Become a Soap Opera

How is it that suddenly I have two men telling me they love me at the same time.  One is professing his love over instant message while the other is telling me in a phone call. 

It is too much.  It is ridiculous.  It is giving me a headache!

The worse part for me is I know they both mean it.  

As The World Turns - Kentucky Style ... to be continued.

My one friend did suggest that I find myself a good ole Texas man and be done with it.

 

 

The Perfect Birthday Card

My friend Laurie sent me the perfect birthday card this year. 

The card says:

As we grow older, it's important to remember that life is all about how you handle Plan B.

                                                        Plan B

Plan A is always my first choice.
You know, the one where
Everything works out to be
Happily ever after.

But more often than not,
I find myself dealing with
The upside-down,
inside-out version
Where nothing goes as it should.

It's at this point that the real test
Of my character comes in...
Do I sink or do I swim?
Do I wallow in self-pity
And play the victim
Or simply shift gears
And make the best of the situation?
The choice is mine.  After all...
Life is all about
How you handle plan B
                    - Suzy Toronto

Blessed are the flexible...
for they shall not be bent out of shape.

I keep reading this over and over again.  My Plan A ended almost six years ago. It ended way too soon.

I am still trying to figure out Plan B.

Randy wants to be in my Plan B, but that is so scary.

Should I Add Another Theme Song?

Randy sent this song to me yesterday after I sent him a text telling him I was freaking out and couldn't breathe. When I talked to him last night I told him I did not understand how all the feelings kept coming at me, and that it was wrong to be falling for him so quickly, no matter how easy he made it. He explained it as being like a campfire. You have a nice fire at your camp and you let it die down, but if you want to build it back up again there is usually an ember or two you can just blow on and the whole thing lights up again. We were in love all those years ago and due to the circumstances at the time we let that die down, but it was never totally gone and now after all these years that love has been exposed to air again and it has come back as strong as before, only better because we have our life experiences to bring to the table, and the issues of the past are no longer part of the equation.  

All really nice words, but I am still ready to go back underneath my bed and hide. 

The other odd thing about him sending me this song is that the sculpture  I wanted and did not buy yesterday was of a woman holding out her arms and copper pieces falling from her hand spelling out "Spread Your Wings.'

He makes it so easy, and I keep making it so hard, but the man does know his music!

Leap Of Faith :

After my baby quit me
I wouldn't even go outside
And when my friends tried to fix me up
I'd crawl up underneath my bed and hide
I knew I was never gonna change my luck
'Til I got my courage up enough to try
And when I went ahead and spread my wings
I found out I could fly

Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith
Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith

I had no way of knowing
What would come from our first kiss
It scares me now just to think about
The good love I might have missed
Now I was just trying to find some help
I was trying to see myself as a survivor
I had to rise on up on the ashes of love
And jump back into the fire

Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith
Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith

Sometimes you've go to believe
Before you see the proof
You can wait a lifetime
For a moment of truth

Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith

Sometimes you've go to believe
Before you see the proof
You can wait a lifetime
For a moment of truth

Sometimes all it takes
Sometimes all it takes
Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith

Out of the Mouth of Babes

Last night was midnight breakfast with the boys.  I took the opportunity of having them both with me at once to tell them about my relationship with Randy. 

Their response was very interesting.  They both asked me if I was happy. When I said I was pretty happy they said that was good and they were happy for me.  

I wasn't quite buying the all is good thing by the looks on their faces so I asked a few more questions and this is what it boiled down to for both of them.  They are happy for me, but I should not expect them to like Randy.  The youngest even said "If he is a prick, I am not going to like him." I told them that I did not want them to stay away from me just because they didn't like the man in my life, and no man was worth coming between us.  I also told them Randy has told me repeatedly he will not come between the boys and me. I explained that whether they liked Randy was up to them, but that I did expect them to try to get to know him if they were ever given the chance. 

After that discussion I let it go and we went on to have a loud laughter filled breakfast.

Around 3:00 A.M. I was in doing laundry and the youngest came in to help.  I told him I was a little disappointed that he thought I would be interested in a "prick."  He explained that he had no idea what type of man I liked.  I asked him how he could say that when his dad was not a "prick."  Then my youngest said something that made me so extremely sad.  He said "How would I know that about dad?" The youngest said he didn't think you could really know what a person was like until you yourself were old enough to understand.  He said that he was just now at the age when he could discern what a person was like, so he couldn't comment on his dad.  I spent some time crying over that one.  

Because I Didn't Have To

I am a caretaker.  Any time I take any personality or career type test the results always involve a caretaker type role.  

The past few years people have been telling me I need to take care of myself.  I always shrug it off and say "I will, I will."

Since I have been having all these long conversations with Randy, he has really been talking to me about taking better care of myself.  The more he has talked about it, the more I have thought about it.  

I think I have figured it out.

I don't take care of me, because I never had to take care of me.  

Once I graduated high school I continued to live with my parents, but I had a job, enrolled myself in college, and ran my life.  We had a great family life, but I didn't require my parents to take care of me, but I only took care of myself in the basic ways because heck I was young and invincible.

Then I married Raymond.  The first few years of our marriage we took care of each other, but we were also so busy with our jobs, saving for our future, young married life, and we cared for each other but were pretty independent too.

Then life became a little busier. We had the boys, my dad was ill, my mom was stressed, and I was running around taking care of everyone because that is what I do, and I didn't have time to worry about taking care of myself.  I didn't need to take care of myself, Raymond took care of me.  He took great care of me all the time, in every way, allowing me to take care of the ones that couldn't take care of themselves.

Since Raymond died, I have continued to take care of others, but I never added myself back into the queue. 

I had all those years of not taking care of myself because I didn't have to thanks to Raymond.Now I realize I need to start taking care of myself, especially if I am going to try to have any type of relationship with Randy or anyone else. 

Paralysis by Over Analysis

Yesterday at work I went into a panic mode.

I emailed Loni and told her I could not do this.  I wanted back in my bubble.  

I also sent Randy a text and told him I was freaking out it was too much.  

Randy told me to go to the Serenity Prayer.

Loni sent me a wonderful email that let me come back down to a level of panic I could handle.  

Last night Randy told me I needed to breathe and that I needed to remember when I had a moment of total freak out that I was living my life by paralysis by over analysis. He asked me to try to enjoy my life at the moment instead of trying to plan out every moment coming.  He also said he knew that would be one of the hardest things for me to do.

Today, I going to live my Loni's advice:

Breathe in

Breathe out

The sun is warm

The grass is green

It will all be okay

(The Next Karate Kid: Sergeant Kesuke Miyagi ~ The sun is warm the grass is green)

"It Isn't Gonna Be That Way"

Finding me through music.  Randy introduced me to Steve Forbert just last night.  I have listened to his music on Spotify all day.  This song really speaks to my head and heart, but the trick is listening. 

You've traveled so far
The wind in your face
You're thinking you've found
The one special place
Where all of your dreams
Will walk out in line
And follow the course
You've made in your mind

Hey, it isn't gonna be that way
It isn't gonna be, that way

I came on my own
And felt much like you
I thought I was king
And knew what to do
But everything burned
And fell from my hand
I had to turn back
Or build a new plan

Cause it isn't gonna be that way
It isn't gonna be, that way
No, it isn't gonna be that way
It isn't gonna be, that way

If I were a god
I'd give you a clue
This minute would crack
And I could go through
And walk out in time
Where no one has been
I'd come back to you
And tell what I'd seen

Oh, but it isn't gonna be that way
It isn't gonna be, that way

You'll just have to live
And see what you find
And take it from there
And follow the signs
Yeah, you think you can live
And dream your own fate
You think you can wish
And walk through the gate

What the Heck was I Thinking?

What the heck was I thinking?

Why did I think I needed to find myself?  I really don't need to know me.  There is a lot to be said for being lost. 

My plan was to "find me" through my trip to Alaska and being with nature with a few adventurous excursions.  I thought I would do some fun activities I used to enjoy back in the day.  I was even thinking of taking a class or two.  Nice gentle steps. Nothing too jarring.  After all I am writing brutally honest things in my journals on a regular basis.  That is a huge step.

That is not how this is going.  It is like once I said the words "Finding Me" the flood gates opened up.   I had no idea so many people wanted to kick me out into the world again.  I also did not know that there would be so many people who are not going to let me go back into my bubble.  

I miss my bubble.  It was so safe and secure.  This new world of discovery ...well everything is just rushing at me at once.  

My friends seem to be feeding more line out into my tethering rope instead of tightening it up and making sure I am in my safe zone.  When it comes to my girls, well I know that Loni and Mina will always be there watching over the Mama, but lately they don't seem to have any qualms about pushing Mama through a door, especially since I said I was looking for myself.  

It is very scary.  I don't know if I can do it.  I also know I don't have an option.