Few People Know

Few people know that I sat in my recliner for almost a year, from August 2006 until June, 2007.

I would take my youngest to school, come home, get in my recliner, turn on the television, and there I would stay until it was time to pick him up again. I would make phone calls, answer emails, pay bills, do everything I could to make it look like I was holding on, but I wasn't.

Oh, I would go out to lunch with friends, take my mother shopping, and on weekends - I did what normal people do with their families. It was just during the school day when it wouldn't freak the boys out that I would sit in my chair.

For years, the doctors tried to get me to take anti-depressants. In fact, since the day Raymond was diagnosed with cancer, but I refused.

In July, 2o07, I finally gave in and agreed. I started the first anti-depressant the day the boys left for a three week camp. I slept for almost the full three weeks. It was great. I have always had sleep issues, and this was like I was finally catching up from years and years of sleep deprivation.

Unfortunately, it turned out that I was too sensitive to the drug, so we tried another, and then another, and yet another. So far we have not found a drug that I can take without eventually developing side effects that make it impossible for me to continue the drug. The good news is that I am beginning to feel as if I can get by without the drugs.

I still have sleep issues, but my chair time is down to about 4 hours a day. Each day I feel as if I am making progress. I hope it continues, because if it doesn't, I am going to have to find the money for a new chair.

Accomplishments

Accomplishments

I have been reviewing my 2007 accomplishments. I have to say it really wasn’t that bad of a year:

I finally started this blog, something I had wanted to do for at least 2 years.

I actually signed up and completed a quilting class.

I ended the year with a weight loss.

I handled several small crises without freaking out too much.

I got a lot of exercise.

I adjusted to having my mother live with me.

I started a job that seems to completely fit my needs for many reasons.

I picked myself up off the floor more times than I wish to confess and got through the day.

I made some new friends.

I was able to swallow some bitterness and reach out to someone that I really do not trust or care for in order to set an example. Whether the people I tried to set an example for took notice, I cannot say, but I took notice.

I got out of my chair.

Total Fascination

I am so totally fascinated by the blog:

http://celebritycosmeticsurgery.blogspot.com/

I am always interested in human behavior, and the people addicted to plastic surgery definitely peak my interest.

It freaks me out what people do to their body in order to stay “young” or “beautiful” or “marketable.”

I can understand having bad teeth fixed. That can be a health issue was well as cosmetic. I can understand having surgery to correct sinus issues, or any other surgery that simply improves your health, but how does having extremely fat lips improve your life?

Some of these people will never look normal again.

I am not one of the “beautiful” people. I’m okay with that.

I’m a good mother. I was the best wife I knew how to be. I am a good daughter. I also try really hard to be a good friend. I would rather be remembered for those things than for my looks. (Of course, if some people would rather remember be for my not so great looking looks – well then they have their own problems.)

Obsession

I am so sorry that it has taken me this many years to reach my goal of learning to quilt.

It is quickly becoming an obsession. I haven't made it to bed before 1 a.m. for several days and I just now had to hide my thread so that I can get ready to begin my day by running an errand and going to work.

Is my quilt going to be "show worthy?" No. Do I care? No.

This first one is a sampler. I am using it as a chance to try different things as I hand quilt. Some areas I am very pleased with my stitches. Other areas I have to look at and think - "it is my very first quilt."

It is very relaxing and I love seeing how the quilt changes with each stitch.

26th

Today would have been my 26th wedding anniversary.

I'm handling it better than I did last year.

Still wish I was celebrating it with Raymond.

We would have spent the day by going out for Mexican food and going to Half Price Books. It would have been a perfect day.

Instead, I'm going to work, and our friend JB is coming over and we will make ziti for dinner. Not the same, but I will be busy and for that I am thankful.

No Goals for Me

I got the dreaded email today. The first meeting of TOPS will be about our goals for the year. At no time are we required to state our goals or share, but I hate it. It makes me remember better times.

I refuse to set goals for myself. It is just too depressing.

I used to set goals. Raymond and I both did, but then cancer entered our lives.

Even after cancer struck, we would set goals. We would get excited about making plans to reach our goal and BAM cancer would do something to prevent us from reaching towards our goal. This happened to us about four or five times before I decided that goals were dangerous. It got so I would have an anxiety attack just thinking about setting a goal.

I am not saying that I am going to sit back and let everything stay status quo. It just means that I am not going to speak about my goals out loud. Something bad might be listening.

I am a firm believer that "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." (John Lennon). If I don’t say my plans out loud then life will just be life. Anything else that happens will just be extra life.

Goodbye 2007

When I think about 2007, here is what comes to mind:

• Mom moved in with us at the end of October.
  
  
• I started a part-time job at the end of November.
  
  
• I reached a long-time goal of taking a quilt class and I love it.
  
  
• I made some huge decisions regarding the house and the world did not end.
  
  
• I took the boys on vacation and we had a great time.
  
  
• I ended the year 7 pounds lighter than I started it.
  
  
• We went to see Jay Johnson’s Tony award winning “The Two and Only.”
  
  
• I know some really fabulous people.
  
  
• How many times my “sister” came through for me.
  
  
• My youngest went away for 3 weeks and didn’t really miss me.
  
  
• My oldest got accepted into the college of his choice.