My Time Came and I Like It

“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.” ~ Stacey Charter

Down Day

I felt down and sad all day.  I don't know why.

I really have nothing to complain about except my shoulder.  I am still getting PT and will see the doctor again on Monday.  There is pretty much constant pain with it, but it is very bearable.  I did try to quilt over the weekend and it was not a great experience, and that depressed me.

I guess we all have down days, it just doesn't seem right to be so sad and down when there is nothing really wrong.  

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. 

Stool TIme (As In TMI - Too Much Information or Toilet Musing of the Intestines) May not be sutiable for everyone to read. You have been warned.

I know this is a taboo subject.  I can hear my mom now saying "It is not a polite subject.  Women do not discuss such things."  Well, stools have been on my mind lately, and I am going to discuss it.  I guess I take after my Aunt Beulah.

My Aunt Beulah was my favorite aunt on my dad's side.  She was very talented and did beautiful upholstery and home decorations work with her sewing machine and some very fine crochet.  Unfortunately, she was a smoker and a lot of the pillows she made were not usable because of the smoke odor that never went away. 

She also had some odd quirks.  She loved to read the obituaries and guess how people died.  She would walk into a hospital and sniff at the room doors to see which rooms she thought had dying patients.  She also liked to discuss her stools. 

I found these quirks disturbing at times.  Mainly breakfast time because that is when she would read the obituaries and discuss her stools. I distinctly remember one time almost having my cereal to my mouth and her coming into the room to say that she had "pencil stools" that morning.

Now my brother and I have laughed over some of her comments about her stools over the years, but now that I am older I think I get it.  She just wasn't afraid to say things that most people keep private, but still think about.

I have suffered from IBS since college. Which means I have spent a lot of years thinking about my "stools."  It wasn't until recently that I found a doctor willing to help me with the problem and by following his advice and his prescription of over the counter probiotics that I have been able to calm my symptoms and not spend so much of my time in the bathroom.  Yet, with each trip to the bathroom that involves a bowel movement, there is a thought of the stool. I haven't named any of the shapes yet, but some are definitely more satisfying than others.

Now that most of my friends seem to have reached a certain age, I have noticed that the men have no trouble discussing their bowel movements.  I know this because Raymond used to tell me some of the conversations from the bathrooms at work, I have male friends that will blurt out their toilet confessions, and I  remember from conversations I have heard at parties where when a group of men are together they seem to have at least a few sentences regarding their daily routine thrown in.  The women never join in  these discussions, and  I don't remember this being a topic of discussion by anyone in my 20's, 30's, or 40's. 

I do understand this obsession though.  My dad had colon cancer.  So I do check once in a while for the dark stools my doctor always tells me to look for as a warning sign.

When the IBS is at its worse, there are periods of constipation, that when relief comes, I find myself extremely happy, and pleased that there are stools in the commode. 

Now that things are under control and more regular, I am still surprised at times.  Just the other day I thought "My goodness I don't think I have eaten that much in a month, so where did that come from?"

It always amazes me how much different foods change the stool.  Oranges, tangerines, etc. don't digest well, and therefore I have to waste a lot of water with flushes to clear the commode.  

Too many beets, carrots, or pumpkin and I go back to a time when I was changing diapers and would freak out when the dirty diaper was an odd color.  

My youngest at some point in his school life decided he would only eat things like Fruit Loops or Twix cereal until one day he was freaked out by the colors in the toilet.  He hasn't eaten them since and still talks about that experience. 

My youngest also discovered that when he eats Little Debbie's Cosmic Brownies he might as well just eat Ex-lax.  They are no longer considered a treat.  (I always thought they should not be allowed to use the word "Brownie" on the box.

I have to have a variety of reading material stashed in the bathroom so I can be prepared for what the day may bring.  Reader's Digest is perfect for the flush and go trip.  Ladies Home Journal works for the "I'm not sure what that rumbling means" trip, and the Kindle is for that "Uh Oh, that lettuce is not setting well trip(s)."

I'm not the only one in this family that rates their reading (or gaming) material based on the length of the bathroom trip. Just last night Loni, the oldest and I were watching television when that commercial came on where the man drops his phone into the urinal.  Loni and I always laugh at that and say that is my oldest.  I told him that last night and he said he never has his phone out at the urinal.  Knowing him so well though, I had to push and say "But I bet you take your IPad to the toilet." I knew that had to be because in my house everyone reads in the bathroom, and now that our reading comes more and more in electronic form it is a forgone conclusion that the IPad has been in the bathroom with the oldest.  

He admitted that the IPad has been in the bathroom and that he even has a system based on the amount of time needed.  Short visits he plays "Farkle", if a little more time is required he plays "Yahtzee" and for those times when there is a block, there is "Blockus." I told Loni that the boy must really consider her part of the family now that he has discussed his bathroom habits in front of her.  She said she was looking forward to reading about it on the blog.  (Here it is.)

In more open discussion after Loni left, the oldest was telling me that he and his girlfriend are quite open with their flatulence, especially in the car.   Oh, dear they will get married won't they.  

I told one of my friends I was going to blog about stools and that opened up a whole new conversation for us.  It was quite liberating to discuss when things hit the toilet that worry us.  

I wish Aunt Beulah was still around.  I would call her up and ask about her stool today.  I would also have to tell her she was right. She used to yell at me for sitting on the driveway telling me that sitting on concrete would cause hemorrhoids. Although, I don't think that is what caused them, they are a pain in the ass, but that is a different post, and one that would make my mom's ashes flutter around in the box my brother has in his kitchen (Really another post!). 

My Reads Lately

I have had some enjoyable reads lately, even if I do get side tracked a lot with Triple Town, a new Kindle game that I find quite engaging.  It is that competitive streak that I have with myself always going for higher and higher scores. 

Of course some of my latest reads were Kindle free books because I stalk the free books constantly.  I just finished Spinning Forward, and now I see there is another book out called by Terri DuLong called "Casting About."  I don't know that I would pay for the second book, but as a free one "Spinning Forward" was just right. 









Pinned for Murder and Love Letters from Ladybug Farm are books I purchased for my Kindle as they are series I have been reading.  Light reading, but fun. 










 

I also read Only You  and Bake Sale Murder off the free list.  Both light reads perfect for bed time or grabbing a chapter or two while waiting in the car for the youngest.

I plan on reading the new Fannie Flagg once I finish Hometown Ties.  (Unless I finish Hometown Ties before Fannie's new one is published, then it will be one of the other 231 unread books on my Kindle.

My Christmas Present Arrived

The ring I ordered for my Christmas present arrived. 

It represents my life so perfectly right now.

First of all it is green - Peridot to be exact.

Second the setting really represents my family:

The large stone is Raymond.  The one who set the example for the whole family in how to live.  That stone is triangular, showing that he represented something different to my two boys and me.  We each got a different side of him.  The Raymond stone is set away from the other three stones because he is no longer physically present in our lives.

The stone next to the Raymond stone represents me. It sets on top of the ring with the Raymond stone.  I am now the head of the family and am still here to guide the boys.

The other two stones are facing out on each side of the ring. These are the boys.  They are still connected to Raymond and me, but are farther away from Raymond as they did not have the time with him I did, and they are not on top of the setting with us because they have both gone on their own paths now.   I can't see their stones if I look directly down on the ring, but as I type this I can see the youngest's stone, and the oldest is there on the other side, I just don't see him as often.

Then there are the five holes in the band.  My favorite number.  

Yes, a pretty, perfect gift. I am glad I treated myself.  

"I Love You" Best When it Means Something

I have to admit it bothers me to hear my oldest tell his girlfriend "I love you."  Not because he might love her, but because he said it so soon, and I have heard him say it before to another girl too soon  If this girl turns out to be "the one" then there won't be any great declaration of love. 

It is not just my oldest. I hear "I love you" being tossed lightly around with several young couples, some that have just been out on a date a couple of times. 

It doesn't bother me because I am old fashioned, it bothers me because I think everyone should have a great moment of hearing those words from someone really special.  When it is just tossed around without the true heart felt emotion that should be felt with the words, then there is no moment.  

I did not tell every guy I dated I loved him.  In fact I can only think of four that I did love.  The first one I dated on and off for four years, and if I saw him today my heart would still flip flop, but I knew we would never ever make it as a married couple.  I loved him, but he was never ever going to be what I needed in my life, even though he was very good to me. He was just very horrible to himself  I hope he is having a good life.  

The second one I dated for over a year.  I look back on it now and know it was not a true love.  In fact it was more like a forced, he wore me down love.  At the time I thought he was my whole world, but now I  realize it was because he did not let me have any other world.  I am not saying he was abusive, or obsessive, just immature and needy.  I lost contact with a lot of friends during that time, some of them I never found my way to again.  

The third one I was really crazy about, but we both had tempers and had a bad habit of getting into snits and not talking them out.  In fact our relationship ended because of a misunderstanding that could have been easily mended if we had just talked.  He really was a good guy, and I hope he has everything he ever wanted in life because he deserves it.

With Raymond it was very different.  He chased me for a long time, and there was a year between on first and second date.  We must have been meant for each other though because we made it through some rough times, mainly because of Raymond being so sure that he loved me.  It was a long time before I ever told Raymond I loved him, and I can remember it to this day.  I can't tell you the day, the hour, or anything like that, except that most likely it was a Sunday.  I can tell you we were in my dorm room, my senior year of college, and Raymond was helping me move in.  I wanted my bed bunked and he was doing that for me.  It was really hot, with no working a/c, and we were up on either the 5th or 7th floor. Raymond was having trouble getting the bed together and was drenched in sweat, and I could tell he was really miserable.  I looked over at him and it hit me, in fact it hit me really hard.  I loved this man.  This man that was working so hard to make sure I was happy.  This man that was always trying to make sure I was happy and safe.  So I told him.  I said "I love you."  I remember him looking up at me and saying "What did you say."  Not because he hadn't heard me, but because he didn't believe I said the words he had been waiting to hear for such a long time.  So I told him again.  It was really a very special moment, and started our true life together.  

Couples that just toss "I love you" back and forth right away in their relationship have no idea what they are missing.  I'm so glad I had my moment.  

 

I Don't Think I Can Go Back to School

I went to an engineering presentation with my youngest yesterday so that he could learn more about the college he is applying to and we could get his application fee waived.  I attended the same day with my oldest a couple of years ago. 

The university changed how the program was presented this time around.  I knew I would be hearing a lot of stuff I already knew, so I took my Kindle and read during the first hour of the program.  The second part of the program was led by deans or professors in different areas of engineering studies.  The first lecture was on robotics and megatrons.  The second lecture was on energy sustainability, and the third was  "RF in the Jungle."   

The first lecture was extremely boring except for the little films shown.  I thought the man was never ever going to shut up.  Maybe I was bored because my oldest did robotic competitions and I wasn't hearing anything new or exciting, but I think others were bored too.  However, I did manage to look like I was at least pretending to listen.

The second lecture on energy sustainability was very difficult to sit through. I kept writing my youngest notes about how bored I was and when was he going to just shut up.  It didn't help that he kept showing a particular "youtube" video over and over again that I had already seen several times before, or that he was droning on and on about what he had done before joining the staff of the university. If I had not been sitting so close to the front, I would have walked out to get fresh air and wake up.  

The third lecture was by a professor in the computer science area and he was actually funny and interesting.  I am sure he was embarrassed that his whole lecture was about wireless networks and he could not get the wireless to work in the room we were in.  He recovered nicely and gave a talk that everyone could understand and relate to in some way.  I was ready to give him a standing ovation.  I don't think I read more than a couple of pages in my book while he was on stage, and that was just when he was fiddling with the computer.  

One thing my youngest, his friend, and I discussed during the break was how each of the lecturers had trouble showing their power points.  One kept pushing the wrong button and getting himself off the slides, another one couldn't get his started.  It was funny to us that here we were in front of all these computer geeks and none of them could run a power point.  

I did tell my youngest that I don't think I could ever go back to school. I have lost my tolerance for boring.