Not as Lost as I Thought

I am not sure how I feel about this year of "finding me" other than maybe I wasn't as lost as I thought I was last year.

If I use 1977, the year I graduated high school, as my starting point, I am still the basically the person.  I pretty much have the same core values and capacity to love as I did when I was 18.

My love and caring for seniors is still there.  I do my best to help others in need.  I can be swept away but my brain brings me back.

Wicked evil jokes still make me laugh out loud, and make me seem cruel, when actuality I am just relating to how cruel the world can be if you pay attention.

I don't mind being alone, but totally enjoy the company of others.  It would be easy for me to be a hermit.

My brain never ever stops thinking about the "what ifs" of my life and others, and some of those "what ifs" can still bring me to my knees in pain.

All in all I am who I am, and I don't see me changing.

I have come to realize more and more though that I don't have to keep people in my life that do not accept me, or make me anxious or unhappy in any way.  Life is too short and I put enough pressure on myself without the pressure of "friends" to change. I have lots of positive people in my life, and I need to stay focused on those relationships.

I am just "me."

Brains vs Heart

When it comes to love I allow my brain to rule over my heart.  This has caused heartbreak on both sides at times, but has proven in almost all cases to have protected me from making huge mistakes that could have lasted years. 

I am not saying that my brain reacts first in these matters.  I have certainly been swept off my feet and made mistakes, some which lasted way longer than they should have, but eventually my brain does take over and allows me to step back and go "Oh I don't think so."

Sometimes I envy those who can follow their heart and ignore their brain.  I look at them and think "Wow, they look so happy," even in instances when I know they are not even close to happy.

I have dated heart followers, it never ended pretty as they could not understand why I couldn't just allow things to go on as they were as there were no problems in the relationship.  The heart followers  I have known never wanted to think about the practical side of a long term relationship.  I am always thinking about whether or not I can be around or live with annoying habits long term.  

Maybe it is because I believe that when you commit to someone it is for life.  I know that it can't always be that way, but that is the attitude I want to at least start with in the beginning. 

Not a Fan

I am not a fan of Valentine's Day. Never have been.

I have had guys in my life go out of their way to make Valentine's Day special.  I know I have received wonderful gifts on Valentine's Day such as jewelry, roses, expensive chocolates, etc., but I am still not a fan. 

 

Valentine's Day just always seemed to put a lot of pressure on a relationship back in my dating days, and once I was married I only had to open my eyes and see Raymond's smile and hear his "Morning Beautiful" to know that I was the luckiest woman in the world. 

Raymond showed me everyday how much he loved me. He also always did wonderful small things that let me know how much he loved me.  Like bringing home my favorite candy bar tied to a beautiful house plant for my collection, or something special for my fish tank just to let me know he was thinking of me during the day.  He never stopped letting me know how much he loved and appreciated me.

Now that Raymond is gone, I really don't like Valentine's Day, especially when I see men and women just buying something to have something to give to someone.  It just doesn't say love to me. So I pretty much can't wait each year for February 14 to be over.  

This year, I spent pretty much the whole day angry.  I woke up to a text this morning that said "Happy Singles Day!"  It was from someone who really should have known better, not only because she knows my story, but because of her profession.  

I did not choose to be single.  I would do anything to have Raymond back with me. I miss him every second of every day.  I really am dumbfounded by how insensitive that message was, and the fact that this person would never understand that it was insensitive. 

I have let it go now, but every time I think I have heard every insensitive idiotic thing this woman can say, she surprises me yet again.  

Please do not get me wrong, I appreciate the cards and gifts I received this year, and I do understand that some people love Valentine's Day and making it special for others.  I am just not one of those people.

What a Sweetie

Randy gave me permission to blog some of the things he says to me in private messages.  Maybe someday my kids might read some of his words and realize I had a life before I became who I am now, and outside of being their mom. 

There were many gems tonight, but the one that made me laugh was: "You know if I could bottle all the sweet things and encouragement you've given me, it would be a cross between Red Bull and honey, energy and sweetness, in the same container.I love you bigger than infinity, unconditionally"

Gave Myself a Party Tonight

I gave myself a party tonight.  Unfortunately it was a pity party.  I am over it now.

I have been sick with bronchitis pretty much all of January going into February.  It has made it difficult to sleep. Considering the fact that I have sleep issues most nights, I am now running pretty empty.

Work has been super stressful this week which isn't helping with my sleep either.

Today I spent 4 hours shopping for a project coming up at work  The shopping took me into 6 stores, some of them more than once. Some of the stores were very friendly and helpful.  Others were not.  WalMart was the absolute worse.  I won't go into all the details, but we were in there for almost an hour, and about 40 minutes of that was trying to get paperwork completed and then discovering that they had not charges us for 14 towels of the 70 we purchased. We went to get a manager and they were able to ring up the rest of our purchases, but they weren't really friendly about it.  We could have easily walked out the door and just said "they just made a donation."  

A couple of stops later I realized that the lady at WalMart had not given me back my driver's license. I can't believe I didn't notice, but since I had to ask her for all my documentation back at each step, I was frustrated, and wanting to scream. I can see why I didn't notice. So that meant another trip back to WalMart to get my license.

All that shopping put me way behind at the actual business part of my job, so I worked overtime to try to get caught up for tomorrow.  

By the time I arrived home I was exhausted, in pain, and mentally drained. All I wanted to do was weep.  I would have laid on the floor, but I was afraid I would never be able to get up by myself.  

I just want to sleep. 

A Shoulder Would Be Nice

Sometimes I just wish I had a shoulder to lay my head on after a long frustrating day.  

That was another thing I lost when they amputated Raymond's hip and leg.  He could no longer sit on the couch, he had to be in a chair with arms so he could prop himself up.  We lost the ability to be able to sit next to each other except with a chair arm between us.  

It was always the little things like that I missed the most after his surgery, and I find myself still missing the little things.  

Today was a long exasperating day, and it is taking me a long time to unwind.  It would be nice if there were a man with a shoulder I could lay my head on and watch t.v.with until I calm down.  I don't need someone to try to make it all better, or try to rescue me, I just need a shoulder of someone who understands I just want to rest my head and feel at peace.

A Dear Old Friend

You have to love a man who sends you a message saying "If there was more than infinity, it would not be enough to tell you how much I love you." 

My handsome Randy, who accepts me as I am, does not expect me to apologize for who I am, and assures me by sending a message saying "I only want you to be what makes you happy, you would not be you if you were not real. The irony of that is why I love you so much."

My dear old friend.  Thank you for accepting and loving me. My wish for you is that you find someone deserving of all you have to give.  I love you too, may we never lose touch again.
 
 

It Moved Again

The green cross moved again today.  

Earlier this morning I was rearranging the table with the cross and I actually placed small items around the cross to see if I could detect any other movement.  I spent most of the day in the room with the cross quilting, listening to music, paying bills on the computer, watching my shows, and reading.  Since the cross is on the tv stand, I see it whenever I use the computer or watch television. I kept checking the cross as I worked and it was still in place.  

Later this afternoon I decided to spend time dedicated to reading.  I was in the living room reading, music in the background and Facebook up on the television because I had been chatting with a friend.  At one point I had my head down for about 45 minute reading when my message noticed sounded.  I looked up to see what was on Facebook and that is when I noticed the cross had moved once again.  The little items I had placed around it were spread out, and the cross had was about 5 inches towards the edge of the table from where it had been and was hanging over the edge.  I put it back and surrounded it by more items.

I was gone most of the early evening, but when I came back nothing had moved.  I have no idea what is going on with that cross, but I still don't think it is a mouse or other critter.

Very odd.