Thanks for Noticing

I have a long time friend who is in a service area I use a couple of times a year.  Today was one of the days I had to call upon his service.

When he arrived I took him to the area where the problem existed and he started asking me questions but I couldn't come up with the word I needed to explain the entire issue to him and was stumbling around with my words when he said: "Are you all there?"  I looked at him and said, "Yes, I just can't think of the word."  He said "No, are you all there?" and then he used held his hands about a foot apart and moved them up and down.  I then realized he was talking about my physical presence and not my mind.

I then told him about how much weight I have lost and what I have been doing and thanked him for noticing.

That is the second time this week someone has noticed my weight loss.  I have to say it feels good.

It also helped me when I was grocery shopping tonight.  Chocolate boxes from Mother's Day were on sale, but I kept on walking. 

The Chair

I wrote about "The Chair" in an email to an old friend on November 24, 2015.  My friend wrote me back and suggested I take the names out, do a little rewrite, and then publish it because he found it to be beautiful. I probably will never work on getting it published, but I thought I would post it here.

The Chair.

I have a chair that is a recliner.  I have had it since either before my youngest, almost 22 years old, was born or right after.  It is a recliner for short people.  It is the only piece of furniture I can sit on in the house and my feet touch the floor.  I love this chair.  I have rocked more babies and toddlers in this chair than I can count. I have rocked little boys who have been here at sleepovers and ended up crying for their mothers because the coyotes howling scared them.  I have slept in this chair with a sick child on my lap.

I have rocked adult children in this chair and talked away their fears and tears.  My oldest and one of his friends in particular have made great use of my lap.  I make my youngest sit in my lap in this chair just to irritate him. 

This chair is the chair that sat next to Raymond's chair all those years. It is the chair where I sat while we discussed our decisions about our life and his death.  It is the chair I slept in next to his hospital bed in the living room so I could hold his hand through the night. 

It is the chair I mourned Raymond in, day after day, unable to move because my life dreams were over.

It is the chair I sat in next to my Mom  while we watched her favorite television shows.

It is the chair I mourned my Mom in and thought about how I was now an orphan and I had no one to turn to for advice.

It is the chair I sit in when I am sick, recovering from surgery, or have such a horrible migraine that I am curled up in a ball and my youngest is doing all he can to help me. 

It is also the chair that has springs coming out of the cushion that catch on my socks and cause me to fall to the ground.   My handyman and one of the boys who visits often have cut the the springs down to the best of their abilities but I still get poked.  The cording is coming off the front of the chair and the plastic pokes and scratches my legs.  There is no padding left in the chair.  It is a pitiful chair, but still I hang on to it. 

Yesterday, November 23, 2015, I took my youngest shopping because I am buying him a new couch for Christmas.   Our third stop was at La-z-boy furniture.  We found a couch that we both loved and on clearance so we are all set to go, but wait I tell the salesman, "Do you still have the recliners for short people?"   He takes me to the chairs for people my height and I start trying them out.  I found one on sale that I love and I ask if it comes in green.  I ordered the chair. 

I thought I would be sad or have remorse over making such a decision.  I came home and sat in my chair and waited.  All I felt was happiness.  The chair is not what made the memories.  It was the interaction between those I love and me. 

Until recently I couldn't tell the difference.  Talking and listening to an old friend has allowed me to open myself up again. A few years ago I let someone convince me I was worthless, but my old friend has never seen me that way (that I know of) and being around him allows me to remember how I really am if I don't let the doubt creep in.

I am not sure I could have ordered a new chair 60 days ago before I became reacquainted with my old friend.

The new chair feels like a big step for me.  As big as going out with my old friend on Halloween, but not nearly as wonderful. 

I have no idea how long my old friend will stay in my life this time, but no matter what happens I will always appreciate that our renewed friendship has opened my eyes to what I have been blind to for the last few years.  He has reminded me that I have worth.  He has allowed me to be myself. 

57 Is Here, What Will This Year Bring?

I have decided to continue on my quest to lose weight for my 57th year.

This morning the scale showed my weight as less than what I weighed when I got pregnant with my youngest son 23 years ago.  Which means I have lost 41.8 pounds since January, 2014. I lost 12.6 pounds in 2014, 16.2 pounds in 2015, and so far in 2016 I have lost 13 pounds,  These are from my morning weights and not my official TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly) weights, but they are pretty close to my TOPS weights.  I weigh in at TOPS at night so it is always a little higher plus there are clothes involved at night.

When I logged my new weight into MyFitnessPal today it showed that I had met the last goal I had entered and I had to set a new goal.  I have been setting my goal each time to be 5 pounds less than the previous goal.  This has been working for me in the past year.  Saying to myself "I need to lose 91 pounds" wasn't working.  It was just too depressing, especially when at one time I only needed to lose 30, and then it was 60, so hitting 91 was a huge low for me.  Five pounds seems very doable, when there are times it seems far away, I change it to 3 pounds.  I am being very careful not to set myself up for failure by setting goals I cannot reach in a reasonable amount of time.

I may never lose all 91 pounds, but I hope to at least get back to what I weighed when I got pregnant with my oldest 27 years ago (another 9 pounds) and I really hope to get back to what I weighed when I got married (another 39 pounds).  My ultimate goal is actually 10 pounds less than what I weighed when I got married (If you are keeping up, you know that is 49 pounds). 

I would also like to do more strength training, but if it happens it happens.  I know from my past that I can set myself up for failure if I set a goal and then do not reach it. 

Staying Focused

I have really been focusing on my weight for the past 6 months.  I have managed to lose 38.2 pounds since January, 2014.  Of that 38.2 pounds, 25 of those pounds were lost since January, 2015. 

I did it by focusing only on 5 pounds at a time.  I found that if I looked at the large amount of weight I needed to lose I would get depressed and think "I will never lose that much weight."  Once I started just focusing on five pounds at a time I found I could stay on track. 

I weigh myself every day.  I do not deprive myself of things I want, but I make sure I ask myself each time "Is it worth it?"  Just yesterday I really wanted to buy a $1.00 box of Red Vines, but I knew if I bought it I would eat the entire box.  I stood in line at the grocery looking at that box of Red Vines and thought about how it would taste, how I would feel afterwards, and would the taste of the Red Vines be worth how I felt afterwards.  The Red Vines stayed on the shelf.

I often crave something salty and sweet. I have found that 9 almond M&M's in a bowl of 40 whole grain Goldfish is just right to take care of that craving, and  I make sure I log it into my food log on MyFitnessPal.

My exercise is getting 7,000 steps every day I can because it gets me points with my health insurance program where I am awarded with money based on my points each quarter. Some days I get more steps, but I definitely try for 7,000.  I have earned all my money each quarter. 

I have been cleaning out my closet each time I go down a size.  I am no longer buying clothes in the plus size section of the stores.  I have a friend who shops with me and makes sure I buy clothes that fit me and I don't go back into the "baggy" look. 

I still have a very long way to go, but I think I can keep on the program.

I am less than 5 pounds away from weighing what I did 23 years ago when I became pregnant with my youngest child.  That is my next goal.  After that I will be 10 pounds away from weighing what I did when I got pregnant with my oldest child 27 years ago.  I am very exited about reaching those numbers again. 

Staying focused is what it is going to take. 

There Are Some Memories

Whenever I ask my youngest if he remembers something from his childhood he replies "I really don't remember my childhood." 

The other night we were sitting around with one of his friends and talking about memories and my youngest admitted he only had four real memories of his father, Raymond.  Two good memories and two bad ones.

The good memories were:
Rockets
Chess

Raymond and the boys used to set off rockets in the back field.
Raymond used to play chess with the boys and one time the youngest beat him and there is a terrific picture of that match to commemorate the occasion.

The bad memories were:
The sippy cup incident
Raymond's dying

The sippy cup incident was something none of us ever forgot, certainly not Raymond.  I wasn't in the room when it happened but it involved Raymond throwing a sippy cup at the same time the oldest moved and the cup whacking the oldest in the head.  The youngest was standing next to the oldest at the time and he remembers being glad he didn't get whacked by the cup. 

Raymond's death, as I have written before, was not a peaceful death.  The boys had the option to leave our home at any time that night, there was even a friend here standing by to take them away, but both boys opted to stay.  In fact, the youngest barely left Raymond's side unless he was in school the entire time Raymond was in hospice.  All I could tell the youngest the other night was that I was following what he expressed as his wishes when it came to his dad's death and I didn't know anything else to do. 

I am glad to know he has some memories and that some of them are good ones.

Moving On

2015 was a year of firsts. 

The first wedding anniversary I didn't sit in my chair and weep for Raymond.

The first time I made it through Raymond's birthday without anger over all he has missed in these past years and how we were supposed to be together.

The first time I actually forgot the anniversary of Raymond's death. 

The first time for me to receive a romantic kiss in 10 years.  Yes, a romantic kiss.  It happened on Halloween night when I was out for an evening with a man I have known since I was 24 years old.  A man who used to be my boss. 

I always thought I would feel guilt when I shared a kiss for the first time after Raymond's death, but there was no guilt   There was just the realization that I was in the company of a man I greatly respect and I was having a wonderful time.

In 2015 I realized I was really ready to move on with my life.

The Sparks Family

While cleaning out a file cabinet tonight I found information on my dad's family. His name was Arlie Sparks and he was born in Evelyn, KY, but  was raised in Irvine, KY.  The information came from a cemetery tour.


Father:
Arlie Sparks: December 4, 1919 - April 26, 1998 (Age 78)

My sister:
Deborah Ann Sparks: 1948-1955 (Age 7)

Uncles:

Lonzel Sparks: October 22, 1912-March 12, 1961 (Age 48)
Local Sparks: October 9, 1914-November 25, 1975 (Age 61)

Aunts:
Beulah Sparks Spurlin: September 9, 1911 - September 30, 1982 (Age 71) -
      Husband Charles Spurlin November 22, 1902- December 17, 1972 (Age 70)
Alma Sparks Abshear: July 25, 1925 - February 24, 1988 (Age 62)
Zula Sparks Rose: Died May 30, 2015 at age 92 - Husband Morris Rose died 2011

My grandfather:
Benjamin Harrison Sparks: 1889-1950 (Age 61)

My grandmother:
Sarah Catherine Durbin Sparks: 1889-1969 (Age 80)

Great Aunt (Sarah Catherine's Sister)
Mary Elizabeth Ingram: January 2, 1882-November 24, 1974 (Age 92)
Husband: Murrell Ingram: July 15 1877-March 1, 1969 (Age 92)

Dad's Cousin:
Dixie Kirby: April 7, 1906-June 15, 1989 (Age 83)
Husband: JW "Brud" Kirby, October 18, 1906 to May 11, 1977 (Age 70)

Others, Exact Relationship Unknown
W.J. Sparks: August 1, 1884-December 26, 1973 (Age 89)
Louisa Sparks: June 12, 1881-March 24, 1964 (Age 83)

J.A. Durbin: 1855-1928 (Age 73)
Elizabeth Durbin: 1856-1936 (Age 80)
Annis Durbin: September 1869-May 7, 1937 (Age 67)
Elisha Curtis Durbin: June 29, 1859-July 13, 1946 (Age 87)
W.H. Durbin: March 23, 1892-December 21, 1921 (Age 28)
W.H. Durbin: 1829-1912 (Age 83)
Mary Durbin: 1829-1893 (Age 64)
Amus Marion Durbin: April 19, 1862-October 18, 1884 (Age 22)
Hade Durbin: December 17, 1865-December 20, 1938 (Age 73)
Emma Webb Durbin: June 11, 1865-January 19, 1944 (Age 79)

Charley C Baker
September 2, 1885 - June 30, 1968 (Age 83)
Mandy Baker
April 10, 1886-January 8, 1937 (Age 51)

Vance Ingram: January 30, 1904-April 9, 1970 (Age 66)
Mary C. Ingram: September 8, 1898-January 30, 1977 (Age 79)
Phillip W. Ingram: March 7, 1938 - October 14 1938

Time Flies

I have neglected this blog.  Certainly not on purpose, but mostly because life has just been flying by the last year. 

The oldest received his Master's in May, 2014 and the youngest received his Bachelor's the same week.

The youngest started working on his Master's in August, 2014.

In September, 2014 I went on a cruise with one of my adopted daughter's to Jamaica, Grand Cayman, and Cozumel.

The oldest married in October, 2014.

2014 seemed to end in a blur with the holidays and work.

So far in 2015 I have finished the second phase of a big project at work.

My youngest adopted daughter received her Master's in May, 2015.

I have just returned from wonderful trip to Bella Vista, Arkansas.  I fished every day but one, I didn't catch enough fish, but I was relaxed and enjoyed being on the lake.

I am in the process of rearranging parts of the house and doing a huge clean up of old items. 

Life is good.

Graduation Day

Officially Old Now, I No Longer Have a Teenager

My baby turned 20 today.  I can no longer say I have a teenager.

I am so proud of this young man.  He studies and works hard in school to keep his grades up and his scholarship in good standing, but that is not the reason I am proud of him.

I am proud of him because even though he seems aloof, he is extremely compassionate and full of empathy.

He is so much like me it is scary, but to balance that out he has a lot of his father's wonderful qualities.  I know Raymond would be proud too.  

Happy birthday son. I love you more than you will ever know or understand. 

Something Has Changed in 32 Years

I was 22 when I got married.  I met Raymond in 1977, we go married in 1982.  I didn't date him exclusively until my senior year of college, but we had been dating 4 years all together.

Raymond grew up working around the farm, and for others. The only time I knew him not to have a jobs outside the farm was during semesters. During the summers he often worked several jobs.  

I started making money working outside the home when I was 10. That is when I started babysitting.  I think I always did chores around the house from the time I could walk.  It was what you did in our house.  You did your part to be help the entire family.  I can remember standing on a chair to wash dishes because I was too little to even reach the kitchen counter.

When Raymond and I got married we were fairly mature and knew how we wanted to run our household.  Because we only had one car, I didn't work for many months after we got married.  We had to wait to see where Raymond would be assigned so my job could be in the same direction.  Since I didn't work, I did everything in the apartment, except laundry.  Raymond had refused to pony up the extra money to get an apartment with a washer/dryer, so he said he would do the laundry.  Every Sunday he got up around 5 a.m. and did the laundry.  He would do all the washing and drying,  then he would bring it all back for me to iron/fold and put away.  

After I started working the chores were divided up.  Raymond did the bathroom, I did the kitchen, he ran the vacuum, I dusted.  The person who cooked, did not do the dishes.  It remained that way until I quit work to raise the boys, then I did all the inside chores, and Raymond did all the outside chores.  

Fast forward to 2013.  I have seen a lot of 22 year olds get married this year. Personally, I think they could have all waited a few more years.  They all seem so immature, and they cannot seem to get this household thing down.  It cracks me up, and at the same time makes me so sad.

Marriage is hard work.  I worry what will happen to some of these couples when real hard issues come up in their marriage. If they can't figure out how to compromise and get the household chores done, what will happen when there are children, health issues, or financial problems?

Life Has Gotten Away From Me

It seems life has gotten away from me lately.  For the month of October I was involved in several outreach programs in the evenings and working on a project that took extra time away from my usual duties at work.  All of these things were and are worthwhile endeavors, but it has meant many 14 hour days away from the Oasis, and has left me exhausted.

 

The problem with being exhausted is that once I am home I am too tired to do anything around the house. 

 

Hopefully things will slow down at least in the evenings after this coming week and I will begin to catch up, right before the holidays.  Or the big project will become urgent and I will sail through the rest of 2013 without recognizing what happened.  

Mind Baggage

Why is it that no matter how much I try I cannot get rid of my mind baggage?  I play stuff over and over again in my head trying to figure out how I could have changed a situation to make it better than how it turned out.  Some of these situations happened back when I was second grade.  

Another Change

Decided to change my look for my upcoming trip back to Alaska.  Had my girls at the beauty shop pick the color and style.  They cut off about 8 inches in the back.  Hard to tell in the pick but very dark red with caramel lowlights. Swing bob cut.  Feathers were included for when I am in the mood for a little fun.

Such a Harsh Reality

Saturday night I had two dreams that were so real that I have been dealing with the harsh reality of the truth all week, once again.

In the first dream I was looking at a photo on my phone.  The bottom of the photo showed Raymond looking at the boys when the were young.  He was looking down at them with such pride and love, and at the top of the photo it was Raymond looking at the boys as they are now, almost eye to eye with him standing in front of the Kroger deli.  My dream was so realistic and the photo so perfect that I woke myself up, grabbed my phone and pulled up my photos.  It was so disappointing to not find that photo in my gallery. 

Later when it was closer to morning I had another dream.  I was outside working in the garden with the youngest when he decided to go in the house.  After I worked on for a few more minutes I realized I needed to tell him something so I went in the house too.  When I opened the door to go back outside there stood Raymond.  I asked him where he had been and he reminded me that he had been on a business trip. He said "Don't you remember me telling you about the trip?" I told him he had been gone a long time.  He said it had been too long, he opened his arms and I stepped right into them and laid my head on his chest.  We stayed that way for a long time.  I told him I had missed him and he said he missed me too and was glad to be home again.  

Waking up to the harsh reality that he wasn't on a business trip was really hard.  It is amazing how we can change reality in our dreams to the point we believe it is true.  

Oh how I wish it could be true.

Changes

Be the Change is the year, but the biggest change so far did not come from me but the powers that be in my work world.  I have a new boss.  I must say she is a delight to work for and each day we find out just how well we mesh when it comes to getting the job done.

She is very respectful, appreciative, and intelligent.

I am definitely being challenged.  I have learned something new every day we have worked together.

We have had a lot of challenges thrown at us since the her first day on the job, but we just put our heads down and plowed through.

Work has been a happy place everyday since July 1.

What a terrific change.

Catching Up

I am way behind on posting on this blog. 

Life has been very hectic this year, and when I have free time I have pretty much been quilting and watching old episodes of Hell's Kitchen over updating the blog.

Adding a grief group facilitator to my list of responsibilities beginning in the end of February meant another night of the week I was booked for 13 weeks.  I was one of three facilitators and I must say the whole experience was a roller coaster of emotions.  To end the sessions and then be told that you "made a huge difference in my life" was very rewarding when I wasn't sure how things were going in the sessions.

Another night of the week has been taken up with a quilting club, that I never intended to join.  I joined out of guilt after several people invited me to the club  It is a great group to be in and I love all the ladies and the laughter, but the project is straight from hell.  Despite all the errors that were made in the beginning, we have made a group quilt and are currently hand quilting the blocks and sashings.  Sometimes it feels like we will never be finished, especially since several women have dropped out due to health issues that have cropped up during this project.  Once the quilt is done, we will turn it into a sit and sew group and I am sure I will enjoy it much more.  It will be designated time to work on my projects.

Work has been extremely busy the last few weeks as I have been participating in the transitioning out of my old boss and transitioning in the new boss.  So far I am really pleased with my new boss.  She will definitely be part of my "be the change" this year.  She has already shown that she appreciates me and my abilities.

As for how am I doing on the "Be the Change " part of my year, I think I am doing okay.  I have been stepping out of my comfort zone by taking on a facilitator's position, joining an outside group, and today I went to a 4th of July brunch where I only knew the hostess and her husband, and I have only known them for a week. (It was at my home of my new boss.)  I have not behaved as a wallflower at any of these events.  In fact this morning I tried to go up and introduce myself as each new person entered since it was a come and go event. I have also signed up for an upcoming event, that I have avoided in the past.

Unfortunately, one of my buddies passed away on June 26.  He was 89.  I am happy I was able to visit him several times before he was no longer aware of who was in the room.  He sang to me one day, and we were able to exchange "I love you's."  I will miss seeing him. 

This weekend will be the wedding of one of the boys who has been in and out of my house since he was in 3rd grade.  The great thing about it is I love his fiancee and she spends a lot of time here too.  So they will not be going out of my life, it will just be a different relationship for all of us.  

One other catching up point and it will be bedtime for me.  I have decided to go back to Alaska on another cruise.  The price was right, the timing was right, and since it is a known factor to it there won't be a lot of stress attached to the trip.  I am not planning on doing a lot of excursions, but I am planning on detoxing a lot of stress out of my body.  This time there will be a verandah off the cabin, and a couple of different cities.  Loni will be traveling with me.  Unfortunately, Mina and Stan are already booked on their trips and will not be joining us.  The boys will be in school, but I already told the youngest he never had to travel with me again, and I told the oldest that he would have to pay his own way from now on.  

Tomorrow is a new day in more ways than one.  I am looking forward to seeing what will happen. 

The Theme of My 54th Year

On April 18th I turned 54 years old.  

I have spent the last 6 months thinking about this birthday and the theme for the year. I had two themes that kept coming up in my head over and over.

My choices:

•  "Let it Be" which several people just laugh at because they know I am pretty much incapable of letting things go. However, several times lately I have awakened with this Beatles song running through by head. That being said, there are a few things in my life that I really need to learn to let go or one of the most important relationships in my life may be ruined forever.  I have shed a lot of tears over not being able to let some things go in the past year. 
  
• "Be the Change" is all about some of the changes I am making in my life.  Right now they are not huge changes, but I hope they are permanent changes. "Letting it Be" could be a part of the "changes."  This one climbed to the top of the list because when I was thinking about this a couple of weeks ago, I opened a drawer and found a blank diary with a soft green cover with the words "Be the Change" on the front.  "Be the Change" says it pretty clear. I have to "Be" the "Change." The kind of changes I need to make cannot be made by anyone else.

Due to the fact that "Let it Be" can fall under "Be the Change," I am officially naming my 54th year as the year of "Be the Change."

I am in Love with The Wood Brothers

I came across this band as I was looking at the top 100 root rock bands of 2012 and now I am totally in love and obsessed with them.  I can't stop listening to their songs to the point where one of them keeps popping up in my dreams and I wake up tapping my toes.

Such a toe tapper!


Ya gotta love the beat!


I love it!

I'm Happy to Report

I heard from Randy last night and I am happy to report he has found a girlfriend.  I have been praying that he would get someone in his life that could really be there for him and I believe he might have met that person.  

I wish them both the very best and may they be very happy together.  Randy has a lot of love to give and he deserves that much love back.