No Hawk ~ What Does it Mean?

I have not seen a hawk since mid April when I started talking to Randy.  I find it very unsettling. 

The youngest has seen the hawk on the pool fence during the day when I am at work, so I know he is still around.

I haven't seen a hawk flying in any of the fields when I am driving, or on any of the poles where I usually see a hawk.  I have been looking, because I noticed right away when I stopped seeing the hawk.

What does it mean? I discussed with my friend at lunch the other day.  It could mean that I am finally doing what Raymond wanted and moving on. That theory makes me sad and happy at the same time.  Happy that I am doing what Raymond wanted and not letting him down.  Sad because I feel like I am losing a special connection.

I hope the hawk is not gone because he is disappointed in me.  That worries me sometimes.  

I miss seeing the hawk.

Wish You Were Here

Raymond,

Today would have been your 53 birthday.  I wish you were here so we could have gone out to the park and enjoyed this glorious day.  I would have baked you an apple pie and made you whatever would have been your favorite meal since it seemed to change based on whatever I had been experimenting with for the year.

If you were here you could see how amazing your boys have turned out thus far and we would have been joking and laughing.   You would know that our oldest is happy with his final choice for a career.  You would see that the youngest is beyond special in his personality and wit.

I am sure a trip to some book store would have been in order or maybe something artsy.

With certainty you would have been one of those husbands really into my quilts and I bet you would have made one of your own, if not many by now, just as you hooked me a rug when I was into rug making.  Who knows you might have taken up fabric painting.

I think you would be pleased that I have reconnected with Kathleen and Gary, and that I took the boys to see Gary before he moved.

Everyday I wish you were here.   I am trying really hard to move on, but I know you are aware of the challenges I have lately and that there must be a reason for them.  I hope you are not ashamed of the fact that I am struggling so because I know you thought I could overcome anything and here I am a mess of emotions over an impossible situation.  A situation that is a repeat of the past and if I hadn't been in it the first time I would not have found you, so maybe it is a repeat so that I can do what you wanted most for me which is to move on with someone else.  I have to tell you though it is really taking  a toll on me. 

I know you are laughing about the absurd situation that came up yesterday through a text. 

Your voice is in my head telling me things that I should be taking care of but I seem stuck.  I can't tell if some things have come to a stand still due to fear or just plain mental exhaustion from holding everything together for so many years.   I am working on it, I promise.

And there you are.  That is the most amazing thing!  I am typing this and thinking of you and there you are.  A gorgeous hawk sitting on the pool fence looking right at me.  Thank you for the visit and for letting me know you are still there watching over us.  You are splendid as a Broad-winged today.

The tears are flowing as I think of you soaring free of pain. 

I wish you were still here with me, and I know you would have never left on your own.

I will always love you and no matter what you will always be my soul mate.

Love,
Me

Happy Easter Mr. Hawk

I was talking to Mina on the phone today around 11:00 A.M. and as usual as I was looking out my sliding door into the back yard.  As Mina and I were talking, a hawk came swooping down within a foot of the sliding door, looked in at me and then flew up into my catalpa tree. 

Happy Easter to you too Mr. Hawk.  :)