Can't Sleep

It is almost 1:00 A.M. and I am wide awake. 

I know I have to get up and go to work tomorrow, then drive up to get the youngest, plus I have a fun evening planned tomorrow night, but sleep does not seem to be coming my way tonight.

My mind keeps racing.  

"Will my friend ever be my "friend" again?  

"What is that strange spot that came up on my hand today? Looks like poison ivy but I wasn't outside."

"Why did I not accomplish more this week?"

"What do I want to cook next week for the company?" 

"Will the bank still take that check I found tonight?"  

"What can't I remember what you call that table out in the workshop?'  

The questions just keep coming, unfortunately, most of them I can't answer.  

There is no nap time tomorrow, so I need to get some sleep.

You Just Never Know

After spending a year at M.D. Anderson with Raymond I learned that you never ever know what is going on with another person unless they tell you.  I try to remember that, but it is easy to get caught up in your own life and forget that fact.  It slapped me in the face today.

There is a woman I see walking all over town that also works at a local store. I see her at the store every time I shop there and I am always amazed at how friendly she is on some days and how mean she is on other days.  Today she was in a good mood and as we stood talking the wind started whipping up and I mentioned  how I see her walking all the time, and did she walk to work today.  She then told me that a friend had driven her to work and then she went on to tell me more about her life.  This woman has a mental illness and  it makes her life very difficult at times, hence the moods I witness.  

This woman told me why she walks so much and about some of the difficulties she has because of her illness. She was quite open about her situation as we stood at the counter and discussed ways she might overcome a problem she is currently encountering. 

You just never know.

Paralyzed by Anxiety

It happens every year at this time.  I get paralyzed by the anxiety of doing my tax forms for the CPA. 

It is funny but I think I need someone here in the house with me to do the work.  A person that I can turn to and say "do you think this goes here?"  

Maybe that is what I will do on craft day.  While the others are here working on fun stuff, I will get these forms done so the boys can deliver them on Monday.  

I did get everything sorted last night, but tonight my mind just cannot get interested in the numbers.  

Maybe if I wait until Saturday the girls will kick my rear end if I don't do the work. 

Truffle Fury (Title by M)

When M came back from California Friday she brought us all chocolate truffles. I am keeping BFF's since she is away, and I chose to eat one of mine Saturday, and save the second one for tonight. 

 

This morning I got up with just enough time to shower, dress, and get to church to lead the Hot Topics class we started this week.  I did not have time for breakfast or my meds, in fact I never went into the kitchen before leaving.  After church I headed to Kroger's to buy gas and pick up a couple of items before heading home.  In all I was out of the house for almost two hours.

When I entered the house I went directly into the kitchen to put the groceries away and then entered the laundry room to throw away a couple of pieces of trash.  When I put my trash in the can the first thing I noticed was an empty truffle box. I went crazy.  I stood there yelling some not so nice words and screaming about who could have possibly come into the house to eat my truffle.  I knew the boys would not have eaten my truffle because it is way to fancy for their tastes.  I ranted at the can for about 30 seconds before going into the kitchen to stomp around and scream a little more.  It was several minutes before I calmed down enough to realize that if someone came into the house and ate my truffle they might still be in the house, or more things might be missing.  That gave me pause long enough to think that I should really go into the living room to check things out, including looking to see if my truffle box was missing.  

When I entered the living room, there was my truffle box with my truffle.  I then remembered that M had eaten her truffles here and that was her box in the trash.  

I probably should have eaten something before I left the house this morning. 

Today is the Day

Today is the day I start working on my taxes. 

There I put it in writing so I must do it.  This is the only week I have to work on them since I have company coming next week. 

It is the perfect day to begin because it is raining, the boys are not home, and I have had a very full weekend going out both Friday and Saturday nights and having craft day yesterday.  

I have already facilitated a class this morning, been to the store, and watched an episode of "Psych," so the only thing left to do is get started, or take a nap.  Hmmmm, a nap sounds nice since it is raining.  

I am sure I will manage a nap some time today, but no matter what, I will start on the taxes. 

Craft Day at Mama C's

In the last couple of months we have made Saturday's craft day at Mama C's.  BFF comes over and quilts, L knits, M studies and reads, and I quilt.

Today BFF is in Virginia and the girls decided they were going to piece together quilt tops for the soldiers at Fort Hood.  

When L was over on Tues. she looked at the two patterns I had and figured out how to do the piecing for each one.  She was nice today and let M pick her choice of the two tops, since one was a little more complicated than the other.  Now I warned M to look at that patterns, but she went completely by the colors and ended up with the slightly more complicated quilt top, which had L dancing.  

L has never sewn before.  She did really good putting the blocks together, but when it came to piecing the blocks to each other she lost her nerve a little and kept getting the fabric bunched up under the needle.  She did a little meditating, and then I ran one through for her and she decided to put it up until next week.

M has just started on her piecing and the thread is giving us a little trouble, but other than that it is going great, but she has sewn before.  

L said she was going to stick to knitting after this project, but then she bought 2 baby quilt kits with her today, so we will see.  Of course if she buys Mama C the right color thread, Mama C would be glad to put them together for her.  

Love craft days!

For Me, It Does Not Get Better

Today Raymond would have been 51 years old.  I have been dreading this day for weeks, but no one at work knew about it.  In fact only one person I work with knew Raymond, and that was just by sight.  So imagine my surprise when I walked in to find gifts on my desk.  Not because they knew the significance  of the day but just because they chose today to express their love for me.  Later in the day my boss came in and she had a gift for me because she said she woke up thinking about me and that she needed to brighten my day. 

The showering of love did help me get through the day better than usual, but when someone asked me if it ever gets better I had to honestly answer "Not for me."  

There is just too much I want to share with Raymond on a daily basis.  I want to show him my quilts.  I need to discuss issues with the boys.  I would like his advice when someone has hurt me. 

I know that many people cannot understand that connection we had, but it was very special.  He was special.  Raymond was very interesting and intelligent and that helped me stay sharp.  Raymond loved me as I am, which is not easy. 

I miss him.