Here a Day, There a Day

New Year's Eve, 2011 brought me news that was 35 years old and has set me on an emotional roller coaster that I could never ever truly explain.  

I have spent so many nights crying since then. I have also spent mornings and evenings laughing so hard my stomach would hurt for days afterwards.

There have been days when the pain in my heart has dropped me to my knees. 

Now it is time to step back from it all and try to get my bearings again.  It is not easy.  There seems to be three horrible days to each good one, but at least I can say there are good days now.  There for a while I was praying to have a good minute.

I know there has to be a reason this has happened at this time in my life. Sometimes I think I might even understand the lesson of it all, but other days I feel like I will never be able to breathe free again.  

I just keep reminding myself that I have recovered from this before, not just once, but twice.  Third time should be the charm, but this time it is very different.  There is a lot more knowledge now.  Also, I drank a lot to help me through the first and second time, that is not an option now.  Drinking a lot is easier when you are young, in college and you have drinking buddies and there is a party somewhere every night.  

No, this is going to have to a mind over heart cure.  

My friend keeps telling me that I will get through this because I am, and always have been a survivor.  I have to say that there have been days lately when I have not felt like I could survive this again.  This whole thing is beyond reason.

I do know that here a day will be so full of pain that I will wonder if I will ever be able to push past it and move on, and there a day comes when I feel like I can take this for what I believe it will be one day...a great gift.