Officially Old Now, I No Longer Have a Teenager

My baby turned 20 today.  I can no longer say I have a teenager.

I am so proud of this young man.  He studies and works hard in school to keep his grades up and his scholarship in good standing, but that is not the reason I am proud of him.

I am proud of him because even though he seems aloof, he is extremely compassionate and full of empathy.

He is so much like me it is scary, but to balance that out he has a lot of his father's wonderful qualities.  I know Raymond would be proud too.  

Happy birthday son. I love you more than you will ever know or understand. 

Something Has Changed in 32 Years

I was 22 when I got married.  I met Raymond in 1977, we go married in 1982.  I didn't date him exclusively until my senior year of college, but we had been dating 4 years all together.

Raymond grew up working around the farm, and for others. The only time I knew him not to have a jobs outside the farm was during semesters. During the summers he often worked several jobs.  

I started making money working outside the home when I was 10. That is when I started babysitting.  I think I always did chores around the house from the time I could walk.  It was what you did in our house.  You did your part to be help the entire family.  I can remember standing on a chair to wash dishes because I was too little to even reach the kitchen counter.

When Raymond and I got married we were fairly mature and knew how we wanted to run our household.  Because we only had one car, I didn't work for many months after we got married.  We had to wait to see where Raymond would be assigned so my job could be in the same direction.  Since I didn't work, I did everything in the apartment, except laundry.  Raymond had refused to pony up the extra money to get an apartment with a washer/dryer, so he said he would do the laundry.  Every Sunday he got up around 5 a.m. and did the laundry.  He would do all the washing and drying,  then he would bring it all back for me to iron/fold and put away.  

After I started working the chores were divided up.  Raymond did the bathroom, I did the kitchen, he ran the vacuum, I dusted.  The person who cooked, did not do the dishes.  It remained that way until I quit work to raise the boys, then I did all the inside chores, and Raymond did all the outside chores.  

Fast forward to 2013.  I have seen a lot of 22 year olds get married this year. Personally, I think they could have all waited a few more years.  They all seem so immature, and they cannot seem to get this household thing down.  It cracks me up, and at the same time makes me so sad.

Marriage is hard work.  I worry what will happen to some of these couples when real hard issues come up in their marriage. If they can't figure out how to compromise and get the household chores done, what will happen when there are children, health issues, or financial problems?

Life Has Gotten Away From Me

It seems life has gotten away from me lately.  For the month of October I was involved in several outreach programs in the evenings and working on a project that took extra time away from my usual duties at work.  All of these things were and are worthwhile endeavors, but it has meant many 14 hour days away from the Oasis, and has left me exhausted.

 

The problem with being exhausted is that once I am home I am too tired to do anything around the house. 

 

Hopefully things will slow down at least in the evenings after this coming week and I will begin to catch up, right before the holidays.  Or the big project will become urgent and I will sail through the rest of 2013 without recognizing what happened.  

Mind Baggage

Why is it that no matter how much I try I cannot get rid of my mind baggage?  I play stuff over and over again in my head trying to figure out how I could have changed a situation to make it better than how it turned out.  Some of these situations happened back when I was second grade.  

Another Change

Decided to change my look for my upcoming trip back to Alaska.  Had my girls at the beauty shop pick the color and style.  They cut off about 8 inches in the back.  Hard to tell in the pick but very dark red with caramel lowlights. Swing bob cut.  Feathers were included for when I am in the mood for a little fun.

Such a Harsh Reality

Saturday night I had two dreams that were so real that I have been dealing with the harsh reality of the truth all week, once again.

In the first dream I was looking at a photo on my phone.  The bottom of the photo showed Raymond looking at the boys when the were young.  He was looking down at them with such pride and love, and at the top of the photo it was Raymond looking at the boys as they are now, almost eye to eye with him standing in front of the Kroger deli.  My dream was so realistic and the photo so perfect that I woke myself up, grabbed my phone and pulled up my photos.  It was so disappointing to not find that photo in my gallery. 

Later when it was closer to morning I had another dream.  I was outside working in the garden with the youngest when he decided to go in the house.  After I worked on for a few more minutes I realized I needed to tell him something so I went in the house too.  When I opened the door to go back outside there stood Raymond.  I asked him where he had been and he reminded me that he had been on a business trip. He said "Don't you remember me telling you about the trip?" I told him he had been gone a long time.  He said it had been too long, he opened his arms and I stepped right into them and laid my head on his chest.  We stayed that way for a long time.  I told him I had missed him and he said he missed me too and was glad to be home again.  

Waking up to the harsh reality that he wasn't on a business trip was really hard.  It is amazing how we can change reality in our dreams to the point we believe it is true.  

Oh how I wish it could be true.

Changes

Be the Change is the year, but the biggest change so far did not come from me but the powers that be in my work world.  I have a new boss.  I must say she is a delight to work for and each day we find out just how well we mesh when it comes to getting the job done.

She is very respectful, appreciative, and intelligent.

I am definitely being challenged.  I have learned something new every day we have worked together.

We have had a lot of challenges thrown at us since the her first day on the job, but we just put our heads down and plowed through.

Work has been a happy place everyday since July 1.

What a terrific change.

Catching Up

I am way behind on posting on this blog. 

Life has been very hectic this year, and when I have free time I have pretty much been quilting and watching old episodes of Hell's Kitchen over updating the blog.

Adding a grief group facilitator to my list of responsibilities beginning in the end of February meant another night of the week I was booked for 13 weeks.  I was one of three facilitators and I must say the whole experience was a roller coaster of emotions.  To end the sessions and then be told that you "made a huge difference in my life" was very rewarding when I wasn't sure how things were going in the sessions.

Another night of the week has been taken up with a quilting club, that I never intended to join.  I joined out of guilt after several people invited me to the club  It is a great group to be in and I love all the ladies and the laughter, but the project is straight from hell.  Despite all the errors that were made in the beginning, we have made a group quilt and are currently hand quilting the blocks and sashings.  Sometimes it feels like we will never be finished, especially since several women have dropped out due to health issues that have cropped up during this project.  Once the quilt is done, we will turn it into a sit and sew group and I am sure I will enjoy it much more.  It will be designated time to work on my projects.

Work has been extremely busy the last few weeks as I have been participating in the transitioning out of my old boss and transitioning in the new boss.  So far I am really pleased with my new boss.  She will definitely be part of my "be the change" this year.  She has already shown that she appreciates me and my abilities.

As for how am I doing on the "Be the Change " part of my year, I think I am doing okay.  I have been stepping out of my comfort zone by taking on a facilitator's position, joining an outside group, and today I went to a 4th of July brunch where I only knew the hostess and her husband, and I have only known them for a week. (It was at my home of my new boss.)  I have not behaved as a wallflower at any of these events.  In fact this morning I tried to go up and introduce myself as each new person entered since it was a come and go event. I have also signed up for an upcoming event, that I have avoided in the past.

Unfortunately, one of my buddies passed away on June 26.  He was 89.  I am happy I was able to visit him several times before he was no longer aware of who was in the room.  He sang to me one day, and we were able to exchange "I love you's."  I will miss seeing him. 

This weekend will be the wedding of one of the boys who has been in and out of my house since he was in 3rd grade.  The great thing about it is I love his fiancee and she spends a lot of time here too.  So they will not be going out of my life, it will just be a different relationship for all of us.  

One other catching up point and it will be bedtime for me.  I have decided to go back to Alaska on another cruise.  The price was right, the timing was right, and since it is a known factor to it there won't be a lot of stress attached to the trip.  I am not planning on doing a lot of excursions, but I am planning on detoxing a lot of stress out of my body.  This time there will be a verandah off the cabin, and a couple of different cities.  Loni will be traveling with me.  Unfortunately, Mina and Stan are already booked on their trips and will not be joining us.  The boys will be in school, but I already told the youngest he never had to travel with me again, and I told the oldest that he would have to pay his own way from now on.  

Tomorrow is a new day in more ways than one.  I am looking forward to seeing what will happen. 

The Theme of My 54th Year

On April 18th I turned 54 years old.  

I have spent the last 6 months thinking about this birthday and the theme for the year. I had two themes that kept coming up in my head over and over.

My choices:

•  "Let it Be" which several people just laugh at because they know I am pretty much incapable of letting things go. However, several times lately I have awakened with this Beatles song running through by head. That being said, there are a few things in my life that I really need to learn to let go or one of the most important relationships in my life may be ruined forever.  I have shed a lot of tears over not being able to let some things go in the past year. 
  
• "Be the Change" is all about some of the changes I am making in my life.  Right now they are not huge changes, but I hope they are permanent changes. "Letting it Be" could be a part of the "changes."  This one climbed to the top of the list because when I was thinking about this a couple of weeks ago, I opened a drawer and found a blank diary with a soft green cover with the words "Be the Change" on the front.  "Be the Change" says it pretty clear. I have to "Be" the "Change." The kind of changes I need to make cannot be made by anyone else.

Due to the fact that "Let it Be" can fall under "Be the Change," I am officially naming my 54th year as the year of "Be the Change."

I am in Love with The Wood Brothers

I came across this band as I was looking at the top 100 root rock bands of 2012 and now I am totally in love and obsessed with them.  I can't stop listening to their songs to the point where one of them keeps popping up in my dreams and I wake up tapping my toes.

Such a toe tapper!


Ya gotta love the beat!


I love it!

I'm Happy to Report

I heard from Randy last night and I am happy to report he has found a girlfriend.  I have been praying that he would get someone in his life that could really be there for him and I believe he might have met that person.  

I wish them both the very best and may they be very happy together.  Randy has a lot of love to give and he deserves that much love back.

Getting Close

It is getting close to the time for me to pick my theme for my 54th year.  

The song "Let it Be" still keeps popping into my head at random times.  I am unclear as to why since, while it is a good song, it is not a song I listen to very often.

The other song that has been coming up in my mind is David Bowie's "Changes."  Bowie has always been one of my favorites so I can understand it being in my mind, but I haven't listened that song in a while.

I can see a need for me to let things be, and to make changes.  So I am not sure what direction I will go in yet.

Of course I still have 15 days to decide, so it could be something completely different. 

Spring Break 2013

I chose not to take vacation during Spring Break this year even though I knew my youngest would be home all week.  It is still just a little to cold to go fishing, so I worked through the week instead, but still had a wonderful Spring Break.

Biggest surprise of Spring Break was that my oldest came home late on Thursday night and stayed through late Sunday night.  I really enjoyed having both of the boys in the house at once.  It felt like a home again instead of just a place I live in.  

We didn't do anything special but the boys were very helpful around the house, and the house was full of some of their friends home from college. There was lots of laughter and teasing.  

It was a very nice Spring Break.

Taxes - I Need the Teamwork

I swore I would do the taxes yesterday, but every time I started to get everything out I found something else to do. I finally contacted the youngest and asked if I could bribe him to help me out today, and he said "yes."

Today while we were working on the taxes I did not have the anxiety that I usually do when collecting all the items and filling out the forms for the CPA, and I realized it was because of the teamwork.

Now the youngest did not need to do much.  He set up the table, brought in the box, typed out the things on the computer that I dictated to him, and made copies, but it made a huge difference for me to have his help.

The teamwork calmed me.  Raymond and I always did the taxes together.  He would do the forms and tell me what documentation he needed and I would pull the papers out of the file and wait for my next set of instructions.  We always talked about what a great team we made when it came to the taxes.

I told the youngest about how his dad and I worked together today.  I thanked him several times and paid my bribe.  

Another year until I start having the anxiety attacks again.

It is So Hard on the Mama

I really hate that all my boys (biological and adopted as part of the family) are no longer within a few miles of the house.  I know they are adults and have their own lives, but it makes it so hard on me when they reach out to me.

It always seems to start off with a text, no matter which boy it is.  "Are you up?"  I always say "Of course." and then there is the inevitable "Okay if I call?" and I always answer "Yes."  Then there is the phone call 

Sometimes the phone call is because they are angry, but most of the time it is because they are upset, and need a shoulder. The worst calls are when they are crying so hard I can't understand them and I have to have them repeat themselves several times before I know what is going on .It tears my heart out.

I really hate not being able to look them in the eye to assess the situation, and then give them a hug.

I know they have to go off on their own and be the men they are meant to be, but I wish it didn't have to happen so soon.

 

Anxious

I am feeling over scheduled these days and having anxiety over being able to meet everyone's needs.  I really don't want to let anyone down, but it is taking a toll on me mentally. 

Another Missed Birthday

Raymond would have been 54 today.  He would have loved how beautiful today turned out.  

I am pretty sure we would have made a trip to a park and then come home to grill burgers and have apple pie for dessert.

It just never gets any easier.  I can push it aside easier in front of people, but my heart aches and the tears are just to the back of my eyes. 

A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life. ~ Richard Bach

 I really miss my soulmate.

Possible Theme for this Birthday Year

This keeps coming up in my brain, but we all know that this would be impossible for me, and yet, it keeps creeping in.  Maybe it is time...



When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Not as Lost as I Thought

I am not sure how I feel about this year of "finding me" other than maybe I wasn't as lost as I thought I was last year.

If I use 1977, the year I graduated high school, as my starting point, I am still the basically the person.  I pretty much have the same core values and capacity to love as I did when I was 18.

My love and caring for seniors is still there.  I do my best to help others in need.  I can be swept away but my brain brings me back.

Wicked evil jokes still make me laugh out loud, and make me seem cruel, when actuality I am just relating to how cruel the world can be if you pay attention.

I don't mind being alone, but totally enjoy the company of others.  It would be easy for me to be a hermit.

My brain never ever stops thinking about the "what ifs" of my life and others, and some of those "what ifs" can still bring me to my knees in pain.

All in all I am who I am, and I don't see me changing.

I have come to realize more and more though that I don't have to keep people in my life that do not accept me, or make me anxious or unhappy in any way.  Life is too short and I put enough pressure on myself without the pressure of "friends" to change. I have lots of positive people in my life, and I need to stay focused on those relationships.

I am just "me."

Brains vs Heart

When it comes to love I allow my brain to rule over my heart.  This has caused heartbreak on both sides at times, but has proven in almost all cases to have protected me from making huge mistakes that could have lasted years. 

I am not saying that my brain reacts first in these matters.  I have certainly been swept off my feet and made mistakes, some which lasted way longer than they should have, but eventually my brain does take over and allows me to step back and go "Oh I don't think so."

Sometimes I envy those who can follow their heart and ignore their brain.  I look at them and think "Wow, they look so happy," even in instances when I know they are not even close to happy.

I have dated heart followers, it never ended pretty as they could not understand why I couldn't just allow things to go on as they were as there were no problems in the relationship.  The heart followers  I have known never wanted to think about the practical side of a long term relationship.  I am always thinking about whether or not I can be around or live with annoying habits long term.  

Maybe it is because I believe that when you commit to someone it is for life.  I know that it can't always be that way, but that is the attitude I want to at least start with in the beginning. 

Not a Fan

I am not a fan of Valentine's Day. Never have been.

I have had guys in my life go out of their way to make Valentine's Day special.  I know I have received wonderful gifts on Valentine's Day such as jewelry, roses, expensive chocolates, etc., but I am still not a fan. 

 

Valentine's Day just always seemed to put a lot of pressure on a relationship back in my dating days, and once I was married I only had to open my eyes and see Raymond's smile and hear his "Morning Beautiful" to know that I was the luckiest woman in the world. 

Raymond showed me everyday how much he loved me. He also always did wonderful small things that let me know how much he loved me.  Like bringing home my favorite candy bar tied to a beautiful house plant for my collection, or something special for my fish tank just to let me know he was thinking of me during the day.  He never stopped letting me know how much he loved and appreciated me.

Now that Raymond is gone, I really don't like Valentine's Day, especially when I see men and women just buying something to have something to give to someone.  It just doesn't say love to me. So I pretty much can't wait each year for February 14 to be over.  

This year, I spent pretty much the whole day angry.  I woke up to a text this morning that said "Happy Singles Day!"  It was from someone who really should have known better, not only because she knows my story, but because of her profession.  

I did not choose to be single.  I would do anything to have Raymond back with me. I miss him every second of every day.  I really am dumbfounded by how insensitive that message was, and the fact that this person would never understand that it was insensitive. 

I have let it go now, but every time I think I have heard every insensitive idiotic thing this woman can say, she surprises me yet again.  

Please do not get me wrong, I appreciate the cards and gifts I received this year, and I do understand that some people love Valentine's Day and making it special for others.  I am just not one of those people.

What a Sweetie

Randy gave me permission to blog some of the things he says to me in private messages.  Maybe someday my kids might read some of his words and realize I had a life before I became who I am now, and outside of being their mom. 

There were many gems tonight, but the one that made me laugh was: "You know if I could bottle all the sweet things and encouragement you've given me, it would be a cross between Red Bull and honey, energy and sweetness, in the same container.I love you bigger than infinity, unconditionally"

Gave Myself a Party Tonight

I gave myself a party tonight.  Unfortunately it was a pity party.  I am over it now.

I have been sick with bronchitis pretty much all of January going into February.  It has made it difficult to sleep. Considering the fact that I have sleep issues most nights, I am now running pretty empty.

Work has been super stressful this week which isn't helping with my sleep either.

Today I spent 4 hours shopping for a project coming up at work  The shopping took me into 6 stores, some of them more than once. Some of the stores were very friendly and helpful.  Others were not.  WalMart was the absolute worse.  I won't go into all the details, but we were in there for almost an hour, and about 40 minutes of that was trying to get paperwork completed and then discovering that they had not charges us for 14 towels of the 70 we purchased. We went to get a manager and they were able to ring up the rest of our purchases, but they weren't really friendly about it.  We could have easily walked out the door and just said "they just made a donation."  

A couple of stops later I realized that the lady at WalMart had not given me back my driver's license. I can't believe I didn't notice, but since I had to ask her for all my documentation back at each step, I was frustrated, and wanting to scream. I can see why I didn't notice. So that meant another trip back to WalMart to get my license.

All that shopping put me way behind at the actual business part of my job, so I worked overtime to try to get caught up for tomorrow.  

By the time I arrived home I was exhausted, in pain, and mentally drained. All I wanted to do was weep.  I would have laid on the floor, but I was afraid I would never be able to get up by myself.  

I just want to sleep. 

A Shoulder Would Be Nice

Sometimes I just wish I had a shoulder to lay my head on after a long frustrating day.  

That was another thing I lost when they amputated Raymond's hip and leg.  He could no longer sit on the couch, he had to be in a chair with arms so he could prop himself up.  We lost the ability to be able to sit next to each other except with a chair arm between us.  

It was always the little things like that I missed the most after his surgery, and I find myself still missing the little things.  

Today was a long exasperating day, and it is taking me a long time to unwind.  It would be nice if there were a man with a shoulder I could lay my head on and watch t.v.with until I calm down.  I don't need someone to try to make it all better, or try to rescue me, I just need a shoulder of someone who understands I just want to rest my head and feel at peace.

A Dear Old Friend

You have to love a man who sends you a message saying "If there was more than infinity, it would not be enough to tell you how much I love you." 

My handsome Randy, who accepts me as I am, does not expect me to apologize for who I am, and assures me by sending a message saying "I only want you to be what makes you happy, you would not be you if you were not real. The irony of that is why I love you so much."

My dear old friend.  Thank you for accepting and loving me. My wish for you is that you find someone deserving of all you have to give.  I love you too, may we never lose touch again.
 
 

It Moved Again

The green cross moved again today.  

Earlier this morning I was rearranging the table with the cross and I actually placed small items around the cross to see if I could detect any other movement.  I spent most of the day in the room with the cross quilting, listening to music, paying bills on the computer, watching my shows, and reading.  Since the cross is on the tv stand, I see it whenever I use the computer or watch television. I kept checking the cross as I worked and it was still in place.  

Later this afternoon I decided to spend time dedicated to reading.  I was in the living room reading, music in the background and Facebook up on the television because I had been chatting with a friend.  At one point I had my head down for about 45 minute reading when my message noticed sounded.  I looked up to see what was on Facebook and that is when I noticed the cross had moved once again.  The little items I had placed around it were spread out, and the cross had was about 5 inches towards the edge of the table from where it had been and was hanging over the edge.  I put it back and surrounded it by more items.

I was gone most of the early evening, but when I came back nothing had moved.  I have no idea what is going on with that cross, but I still don't think it is a mouse or other critter.

Very odd.

Eerie

This happened yesterday, Friday, January 25, sometime between 10:45 and 11:30 A.M.  I was home alone.  Doors were locked.

Yesterday morning I got up, made a nice breakfast of soft boiled eggs and wheat toast, and then settled in to do a little work on my redwork block for quilting class while catching up on my recorded shows.  

On my television stand top I have a collection of glass items that are green, including a pretty cross my boss gave me one year.  She purchased it from an artist at Huffine's Art Trails.

The cross is really not close to the edge, and I can't really watch television without noticing the arrangement on the table top.  

Around 10:30 A.M. or so, I decided to go get a shower so I could go out and take care of my grandcat before too late in the day.  When I left the room to go to the bedroom side of the house, the room looked liked this:

I

I know this for sure because as I was working on my quilt block I was trying to decide if I needed to vacuum the living room this weekend.

When I got out of the shower, I wrapped my hair in a towel, put on my towel wrap and came back into the living room to cool off and look up something on the internet.  I sat down on the couch and pulled up my browser and then something on the floor caught my eye.  It was the cross, upside down and undamaged.

As you can see nothing else was disturbed on the table top.

A message? 

I did text my boss to see if she was okay.  She was.  

The whole thing is eerie.  

So Appropriate, So Pointless

Some of us have been shouting about certain things.  Nothing ever changes, except more lies.



I've been silent for much too long
Now I'm telling everybody what's been going on
It's time to shout now it's time to scream
It's time to wake up from this bad dream

I'm gonna shout till the devil gets on his knees
Shout till the angels say pretty please
Shout till I feel it runnin' through my veins
Shout till everybody thinks I'm insane
I'm gonna shout now, oh
I'm gonna shout now, oh
I wanna wake up

I've been broken and I've been bruised
I've been lied to and I've been used
It's time for dignity it's time for pride
It's time to get out what's been brewing on the inside

I'm gonna shout till the devil gets on his knees
Shout till the angels say pretty please
Shout till I feel it runnin' through my veins
Shout till everybody thinks I'm insane
I'm gonna shout now, oh
I'm gonna shout now, oh
I wanna wake up

I'm gonna shout till the devil gets on his knees
Shout till my angels say pretty pretty please
Shout till I feel it runnin' through my veins
Shout till everybody thinks that I'm insane
I'm gonna shout now, oh
I'm gonna shout now, oh
I wanna wake up

Another Hole In My Heart

I have another hole in my heart now.  My friend John passed away at 1:45, January 20 while listening to Magical Mystery Tour on his play list.

I know there are many people feeling the loss today. John was a wonderful son, brother, and a friend to many.  I know that I didn't know him as well as most, but I still considered him my friend and a good man.  

From what I know of John through our conversations, I find it totally appropriate that he left us during Magical Mystery Tour.  I know I will never hear that song again without smiling and thinking of John.

RIP my friend.  

Roll up, roll up for the magical mystery tour, step right this way.
Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up (AND) THAT'S AN INVITATION, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up TO MAKE A RESERVATION, roll up for the mystery tour.
The magical mystery tour is waiting to take you away,
Waiting to take you away.

Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up SATISFACTION GUARANTEED, roll up for the mystery tour.
The magical mystery tour is hoping to take you away,
Hoping to take you away.

A mystery trip.

The magical mystery tour.
Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up (AND) THAT'S AN INVITATION, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up TO MAKE A RESERVATION, roll up for the mystery tour.
The magical mystery tour is coming to take you away,
Coming to take you away.
The magical mystery tour is dying to take you away,
Dying to take you away, take you today.

Not A Bad Week

If you take away the fact that John entered hospice this week and I have cried pretty much all day ever day, it really hasn't been a bad week.  

John entering hospice was not a surprise for me.  For someone who has been through it, I knew it was coming. I kept praying I was wrong, but in my head I knew that his fight was almost over, and my heart has been breaking for his family and friends.

Taking away the sadness though, the week has been okay.

Monday night I attended a Redwork Quilting Class.  Redwork is not really something I enjoy, it is a little old-timey for me, but it is pretty mindless and since I had finished my handwork I had at the house it has filled my late evenings.  A lot of great people in the class, along with a very interestingly bizarre lady so the conversation from the evening has kept several of us entertained throughout the week.

Tues. was dinner with Mina and Loni, always a joy.  

Wed. night I came home and worked on projects around the house.  One night I worked in straightening up my bedroom. I still had Christmas quilts, stockings and table toppers piled up in there to be hung for next year, along with odds and ends to be put away.  I also cleaned part of the bathroom.

Thurs. night I worked on the laundry room.  I just about have it completely cleaned out and all laundry done.

Yesterday, Friday, I went to see a friend to finally exchange Christmas presents, ran some errands for the quilting class instructor, stopped to see a couple of other friends, cleaned out the pantry, scrubbed down the kitchen and mopped the floor, and then met Stan, Mina, and Loni for our regular Friday night dinner at Los Charros.  Once home, I worked on the laundry room some more and then spent the evening embroidering on my quilt block for class.  

Today I am scrubbing down the rest of my bathroom, finishing up with the laundry room, and hope to start on the game room.  I also need to find the skein of floss I lost yesterday to work on my quilt block.

The youngest should be home at some point today.  I am anxious to hear about his first week of the semester.

While I was working on my quilt block I was able to catch up on most of my evening shows.  I was very happy with who won Project Runway All Stars.  I hate the new judging panel on American Idol.  Scandal was interesting.  I am losing interest in Revenge.  The rest were pretty much noise in the background.  

On FB, Jeff has kept me entertained most of the week with little funny messages everyday to cheer me up.  Randy and I have come to an understanding regarding our relationship which has put us both in a good place. I love that I was able to reconnect with Annette.  Cindy and I had some good laughs, and I learned my cousin's son has a book out and holding book signings that some of my other cousins are attending. 

My cough is slowing down some.  Still bad when I talk very much or laugh.  Hoping it will stop soon.  Always takes me a long time to clear out my lungs after an illness.  

Tomorrow morning will be a family breakfast at Mimi's before the girls make their annual trek to Hawaii.  

Yes, taking away the sadness and the heartbreak of knowing another good man is leaving us, it was not a bad week.

Next week: Another installment of the quilting class, and Nana duties for Mocha. 

A Difficult Week

A friend entered hospice this week.  I met him through Loni.  I have actually only seen him face to face once, but we have sent messages back and forth of the years and I don't think I am wrong when I call him friend.

Today's news is he only has hours left.  He fought a brave fight against sarcoma.  He was actually treated through the same clinic as Raymond at M.D. Anderson.  That is why I ended up meeting him.  Before he made his first extended trip I had lunch with him and gave him some notes and ideas of what it was like to be a patient there.  

He is loved by many, and will be missed probably more than he ever expected.

My heart goes out to the family.  Having gone through this process, I know what they are facing.  

 

I know it has been hard on Loni too.  They were good friends.  

Yes, a most difficult week.

At Least Dinner is in the Fridge

I really don't feel like going to work today.  Not because I am still too sick to work, but because I want to stay home.

At least I won't have to fix dinner when I get home.  Laura brought me homemade chicken soup yesterday but because I had a late breakfast out with the youngest and then had dinner out with him and Loni yesterday I haven't eaten the soup yet.  It will be a nice ending of the work day before I go back out to a quilting class tonight. 

I am not looking forward to the lesson tonight at all, but I will enjoy being with the people. 

Sometimes I Wish

Sometimes I wish my brain would shut up and I could just follow a piece of my heart.  Of course, that would be a disaster.  

I still love you. ("Close Your Eyes" by J.T.) Sweet dreams.  

How do you answer a text like that when you know your brain will never let you love back equally?  

I didn't. There is nothing to say that hasn't been said. 

Holes in my Socks

I love fun socks.  The Christmas before he died, Raymond gave me a box full of really great socks.  I have been wearing them ever since, but because I only wear socks a few months a year they have remained in good shape.

Starting about a month ago, every time I have worn a pair of the socks I have come home with a hole on the big toe of the left foot.  Every time I saw a hole I got very upset because it meant I was losing yet another part of my life with Raymond.  I kept checking my toe and shoe to see if there was some reason to be getting the hole, but nothing.

The other day I was sitting on the bed taking off yet another pair of socks with a hole and I realized even the hole had a connection to Raymond.  Then I had to wonder if the hole was a message.

Before Raymond and I started dating I noticed he had been absent from our classes at college for a while and questioned him about it when he returned.  I found out he had been in the hospital and told him that if should ever happen again he should tell me because I could have visited since I was often at the hospital.  Not long after that Raymond's mom called me at home to tell me he was back in the hospital and he wanted me to know in case I had time to visit.  I went to visit the next day and ended up visiting him every day during that stay, a little over a week.  I would take my homework and work on it while he slept and then visit when he was awake. He was always asking me to stay longer even if I had been there for 4 hours.  

Since I really didn't know Raymond that well when I started visiting him in the hospital it was always awkward when I would get ready to leave for the day.  I took to squeezing his big toe of his left foot before I left as a way to let him know I would be back.  After we got married any time he had surgery, I would squeeze his big toe before leaving the room so he would know I would be back.  Even if I had just kissed and hugged him, I would try to reach out and get his toe.  When he was getting chemo and was so ill in Houston, we were not able to kiss because of his compromised immune system, so the toe thing became an important way for us to communicate. Sometimes it was the only contact we had for weeks.

I have to wonder if the holes aren't a sign from Raymond that it is time to throw away the old socks, get some new ones and move forward in life. 

There are still a few pairs of socks left.  I will keep wearing them.  Raymond would not want me to put them back for a rainy day.  I will miss the connection when they are gone, but I understand the message.

Not the Best Start to a New Year

I have been down about a week with bronchitis, part of it while the youngest was battling a nasty stomach bug.  

I started coughing on Monday, by Wednesday I was at the doctor getting antibiotics and heavy duty expectorant.  Thursday, I was battling the side effects of the medications.  I went to work, but was told I would probably have to work Friday.  I chose to come home and sleep 3 hours, and then go back and work until after 7 so that I could spend Friday and Saturday in bed.  

Fortunately the oldest was home Tues., Wed. and Thurs. night to help me, and the youngest was well enough by Thursday night to help too.  Since the youngest was sleeping in the Man Cave, and I was in the adjoining room on the living room couch, he took care of me most of Thurs. night and early hours Fri. when I was having a lot of difficulty.

I am truly blessed that my boys are such wonderful caregivers, and that they were still on their winter break and could be home with me.

During all of this Loni got sick and was home by herself nursing a fever and sinus infection.  I felt bad I couldn't go get her medicine and grilled cheese sandwiches.  She was good about checking in except for yesterday.  She fell asleep on the couch without checking in with Mina or me.  The youngest and I were gearing up to go beat on her door just as she woke up and let me know she was okay.  Can't help but worry ever since I walked in and saw her after she fell through her ceiling.  I kept picturing on the floor with a gash in her head from passing out from the fever and hitting her counter or something.  Us single ladies have to watch out for one another. 

I hope this is the end of the illness for 2013. 

My Baby is Sick

I am very aware that my baby is 19 years old now, but he has been very sick for the last 24 hours and it hurts me as much now as it did when he was really a baby.  

The poor thing has some kind of horrible stomach virus that has kept him from keeping even the tiniest sip of water down or in.

He looks really horrible.  We call him a skinny kid, but weight wise he really isn't that skinny, however after just 12 hours of being sick and his cheeks were hollow and his eyes sunk back into his head.  

I hope he is past the worse of it now and can start recovering.  I am so grateful that he was here at the house and not on campus when it struck.  

Truly blessed that Loni was able to go get him some more supplies last night.  I had been out earlier, but he was going through everything so fast, and once he started getting dizzy I was afraid to leave him at home alone. 

Would Have Been My 31st Wedding Anniversary

Today would have been my 31st wedding anniversary.  To celebrate the boys, Kyle, Loni and I went to San Miguel's in McKinney for dinner.  We could have been seated sooner than we were, but I wanted my favorite waiter.  

Raymond and I used to go there for dinner on our anniversary.  When we first started going there it was only on special occasions because we couldn't afford to eat out very often.  Later as we were able to get more established we would go there every month or so, but our anniversary dinner was special.  If my aunt was in town, we would actually get to go without the boys and make a night of it.

Going there on January 2 just seems right. 

Welcome 2013!

Another year.  

I must admit I spent a good portion of the morning crying on the couch.  

There are so many things up in the air in my life.  There are so many things I see that are not right and I cannot fix.  There are so many things I need Raymond here to help me with.  

I floundered in 2012.  I would like to hope I can flourish in 2013, but I am not sure I have the strength.  

One thing is for sure, as April approaches and the year of "Finding Me" comes to an end, I can say that I have not "found me."  I am no where close to being "found."

Goodbye 2012

Goodbye 2012.  I can't say you are sorry to see you go.  

Other than the two wonderful trips I took, my friends, family, and my two fantastic boys, 2012 was emotionally rough on me.  

The past came roaring back on New Year's Eve, 2011 and just kept coming. It made me face a lot of old stuff and brought up so much hurt, love, and confusion that I thought I had dealt with 35 years ago.  

I would like to say that I had dealt with all of it and none of it would be following me into 2013, but that would be a lie.  All I can hope is that I will learn to accept what happened and learn to live with the regrets, because the one thing I learned in 2012 is that the regrets are there and I cannot make them go away.

Christmas, 2012

Christmas 2012 was the first Christmas without the oldest. He was here the Friday before to enjoy family Christmas with Loni, Mina, Stan, his fiancee, and the youngest.  On Saturday we went to see the Hobbit, then the oldest and his fiancee opened their family gifts and Santa gifts and went to her parents for the holiday.

Loni came over Christmas Eve, as did Kyle, but our power went out and Loni left with Kyle so she would have a skunk patrol with her.  

Christmas Day Loni came over for breakfast and then we opened Santa stocking gifts.  We had our Christmas ham sandwiches with mac n' cheese and then I had to send Loni home because the snow was coming down hard and I wanted her home safe.  

The boys, December 22, 2012, celebrating the Christmas season and getting ready to go see The Hobbit. Did you notice they are wearing the same shirt?  That is what happens when I let them dress themselves.