The Perfect Birthday Card

My friend Laurie sent me the perfect birthday card this year. 

The card says:

As we grow older, it's important to remember that life is all about how you handle Plan B.

                                                        Plan B

Plan A is always my first choice.
You know, the one where
Everything works out to be
Happily ever after.

But more often than not,
I find myself dealing with
The upside-down,
inside-out version
Where nothing goes as it should.

It's at this point that the real test
Of my character comes in...
Do I sink or do I swim?
Do I wallow in self-pity
And play the victim
Or simply shift gears
And make the best of the situation?
The choice is mine.  After all...
Life is all about
How you handle plan B
                    - Suzy Toronto

Blessed are the flexible...
for they shall not be bent out of shape.

I keep reading this over and over again.  My Plan A ended almost six years ago. It ended way too soon.

I am still trying to figure out Plan B.

Randy wants to be in my Plan B, but that is so scary.

Paralysis by Over Analysis

Yesterday at work I went into a panic mode.

I emailed Loni and told her I could not do this.  I wanted back in my bubble.  

I also sent Randy a text and told him I was freaking out it was too much.  

Randy told me to go to the Serenity Prayer.

Loni sent me a wonderful email that let me come back down to a level of panic I could handle.  

Last night Randy told me I needed to breathe and that I needed to remember when I had a moment of total freak out that I was living my life by paralysis by over analysis. He asked me to try to enjoy my life at the moment instead of trying to plan out every moment coming.  He also said he knew that would be one of the hardest things for me to do.

Today, I going to live my Loni's advice:

Breathe in

Breathe out

The sun is warm

The grass is green

It will all be okay

(The Next Karate Kid: Sergeant Kesuke Miyagi ~ The sun is warm the grass is green)

Smiling

I have heard a lot of comments this last week over how much I have been smiling.  

It is hard not to smile when you have romantic texts being sent to you all day long and very sweet words being said to you for hours every night.

Randy sent me a text today when I was at lunch with my super seniors, and it was just a really sweet message telling me that he would move to the moon if I was there and the women started talking about how I was blushing like a school girl.  

I don't know if this relationship has a chance at all, and I have made that very clear to Randy, but he sure knows how to woo a girl.  

I smiling as I type this just thinking about the text saying he had a great day but it would have been perfect with me by his side.  

Give the guy a gold star for effort.

What the Heck was I Thinking?

What the heck was I thinking?

Why did I think I needed to find myself?  I really don't need to know me.  There is a lot to be said for being lost. 

My plan was to "find me" through my trip to Alaska and being with nature with a few adventurous excursions.  I thought I would do some fun activities I used to enjoy back in the day.  I was even thinking of taking a class or two.  Nice gentle steps. Nothing too jarring.  After all I am writing brutally honest things in my journals on a regular basis.  That is a huge step.

That is not how this is going.  It is like once I said the words "Finding Me" the flood gates opened up.   I had no idea so many people wanted to kick me out into the world again.  I also did not know that there would be so many people who are not going to let me go back into my bubble.  

I miss my bubble.  It was so safe and secure.  This new world of discovery ...well everything is just rushing at me at once.  

My friends seem to be feeding more line out into my tethering rope instead of tightening it up and making sure I am in my safe zone.  When it comes to my girls, well I know that Loni and Mina will always be there watching over the Mama, but lately they don't seem to have any qualms about pushing Mama through a door, especially since I said I was looking for myself.  

It is very scary.  I don't know if I can do it.  I also know I don't have an option.  

The Universe is Kicking Me in the Rear

When I said I wanted to spend this year "finding me" I did not mean I wanted to find myself in just a few weeks.  I was planning a gentle search with lots of thought.

Evidently the Universe is tired of me goofing around and has decided to kick me in the rear.

Randy lives in northern KY across the river from Cincinnati.  Last night when we were talking about me being without a job, he mentioned something about how big his church is and how they are always looking for staff.  I just laughed, but I knew he was trying to say he would like to see me.  He just won't use those words because he has promised to be very patient and not push me in any way.

Last night I listened to a message from my aunt saying she really needed to talk to me and to please return the call as soon as possible.  After we had chit chatted a few minutes she told me that she wanted me to escort her to Cincinnati in July to a family wedding. As she was laying it on thick about how it might be the last time she could see her sister, and how long it had been since I had seen the family, etc., all I could think about was how the universe was kicking me in the rear. I told my aunt about Randy and the coincidence of her call.  She was immediately excited and telling me just how we could work out the details and as I listened I felt myself pulling back into my shell and thinking "too scary, too scary."  

I feel like the Universe is kicking me with steel toed boots.  First it was my youngest basically saying "do what will make you happy" and now a trip that would put me right across the river from Randy.

I don't know if I can go in July.  I will really have to think about it and conquer a lot of fears. 

In the meantime, Randy is jumping for joy and keeping his fingers crossed.  

I am going to try to keep a very open mind, but I might have to tie a pillow around my waist so the kicks from the Universe are softened a little.

Skype? YIKES!

The other night my phone date called me earlier than we had planned, in fact he called about five minutes before I had to leave to go to a night meeting at work.  I told him I only had a couple of minutes and he apologized but he was really excited about something he just discovered...Skype.  Did I mention he is a technophobe, and is a little behind in what is out there in the computer world? Evidently his roommate Mark, who is responsible for Randy coming back into my life and thinks "I owe him big," had installed it for Randy that afternoon so we could have a better "date."  I told Randy that I had Skype on my old computer but had not installed it on my new one.  I then told him I had to leave or I would be late and we would discuss it later.

I have to say the minute he said "Skype" I freaked out. In no way am I ready for that!  As I was driving back to work I kept say "No Skype, No Skype, No Skype."

Later during our phone date I broached the subject with Randy.  I told him that I just didn't think I could take the pressure of Skype yet in this relationship.  I explained that I would have to have my hair, makeup and clothes just right and that even then I would be freaked out. I told him I wasn't ready for a such a commitment.  He started laughing.  He said that after he had talked to me he went into the bathroom and saw himself in the mirror and since he had been out wearing a hat all day he noticed the horrible case of "hat hair" he had and started worrying about me seeing him that way.  I started laughing.

We decided that we came from an era when dating meant dressing up and looking your very best for the person you cared for, and that we were not ready for Skype.  I cannot tell you how relieved I was by his willingness to give the idea up so easy.  I think Mark is disappointed.

Even thinking about using Skype when I look my very best makes me say YIKES!  This man hasn't seen me since 1980, I looked so much better back then. LOL

Running Out of Excuses

I guess I won't have any choice but to find myself this year because I am running out of excuses.

One of my biggest excuses for being stagnant the last few years has been my boys, especially the youngest.  After the conversation I just had with the youngest I guess I cannot use that excuse ever again.

I have another phone date tonight, but before I accepted the "date" last night I made sure it wouldn't interfere with anything my youngest wanted to do this weekend.  He said there would not be a problem.

This afternoon the youngest asked me when my phone date was and told me it was a funny thing to call a phone call.  I explained to him that the guy lived in northern KY and the phone was the only way to date.  He said "okay."

I then asked him if he wanted to know my date's name.  His response was "Am I supposed to care? What am I supposed to say "No hanky panky."  I said "No, but I thought you might like to know his name or how I know him."  He said "Not really."  

I asked him if he wasn't concerned that I might decide to move away to be with this man.  He said "Define moving away."  I said "Sell the house, and move to where he is."  He answered "Then I get a job to help pay for my apartment.  Who am I to tell you how to live your life? Do what will make you happy."

What a wonderful son.  What a brat! LOL   

He really is an amazing young man. 

53 Came in Like a Hurricane!

A lot of stuff has happened this week. I feel like have been in a hurricane.

First part of the storm came Tuesday night as 1975 came slamming into my life with a simple friend request on Facebook. It is now Saturday morning and since Tuesday night I have spent a little over 13 hours on the phone trying to get to 2012.  Mina says I am like a giddy teenager, and she is right.  It is like going on a date every night, he even asks permission to call, and I get the same butterflies in my stomach I did all those years ago when I knew he is going to call. I have to admit I am a little freaked out, but I still have my common sense and logic to fall back on. Being the true gentleman he always was he is letting me set the pace and we are being very cautious. It helps that he is freaked out too.

The storm got really fierce in my heart when the "love that never was" called to tell me some bad news.  All the emotions tied up in that relationship knocked me around at about 180 mph.  He wants me to be happy and move on, but I know that no matter how much he wants to really mean that, he will be really hurt when it happens.  Hurt seems to be a huge part of our lives together and apart.

The eye of the storm came during the birthday celebrations and being with all the people I love.  I know that no matter what happens I have people who love me and will guide me through the days.

The storm strengthened on Thursday.  Changes are coming about at work and I might have to resign.  As much as I love my job, I still have to put myself and my family first when it comes to our financial well-being. Talk about scary!  I have been at that job for over four and 1/2 years, and in that close knit community for 12 years.  I am heartbroken.  I am trying to be upbeat about it when I am talking to people, but when I am alone I just sob. 

I don't know what the future holds, none of us do. Right now mine looks exciting with the trip to Alaska, and scary as hell with the thought of not having a job, and changing relationships.

53 came in like a hurricane!