Messing With Me Through Music

The men in my life are messing with me through music.

I have one man haunting me with songs he says reminds him of me every time he hears them.





I have another one doing his best to woo me with music.

Like this song he used to sing to me in 1975 and he read to me again tonight.



Or this one he said he couldn't sing during gigs because it reminded him of how badly he messed up our relationship.




I think I am going to have to write a song about "backing off."

Just for Me

Randy wrote this for me.  I did leave out the first line because it was his nickname for me and well Mina knows what it is.  

 

you are.....the reason

I   believe 

in  

you

you  fill  

everyone's 

life rich

with your 

love

and  so

you 

deserve 

love

so

true

 

 

My Life Has Become a Soap Opera

How is it that suddenly I have two men telling me they love me at the same time.  One is professing his love over instant message while the other is telling me in a phone call. 

It is too much.  It is ridiculous.  It is giving me a headache!

The worse part for me is I know they both mean it.  

As The World Turns - Kentucky Style ... to be continued.

My one friend did suggest that I find myself a good ole Texas man and be done with it.

 

 

Too Much Love

I am having a difficult day.  I am feeling very overwhelmed by how Randy feels about me and us.

I don't know if I can be in a relationship with someone who loves me so much. I know how stupid that sounds, but that is how I feel right now.  

 

My guess is that since April 17 I have spent close to 100 hours on the phone with Randy.  There have been many days when we have spent 8 hours on the phone at one time.  We never seem to run out of things to talk about and we have lots of laughs.   It is through these phone calls that he has declared his love for me, and I have no reason to doubt him, especially since we did not break up all those years ago because we fell out of love.  

 

I just feel overwhelmed by his love. He came back into my life so unexpectedly. In fact, it was quite a shock since  I actually thought he was dead. I didn't have any proof he was dead, and no one told me that he was dead, that was based strictly on what was happening the last time I told him goodbye. 

 

I know it is fear that is making me feel this way.  

 

My dear friend that kicked me the rear not long ago asked me if I didn't think I was just playing it safe by getting into a relationship from the past.  The answer to that was yes, I worry that is what I am doing. The flip side to that is why would I not at least try to give a man who loves me  a chance.  

 

Randy says I shouldn't make any decisions until we see each other in person.  He wants me to come visit him this summer.  We have actually been planning what we might do on a "date."  He brought up the art museum.  You have to give the man credit there. He knows what I like.  He even mentioned me planning my visit around the blues festival. 

It is just that when he tells me how much he cares for me and loves me I start feeling responsible for him.  Of course he explains that is not how it is and that he is responsible for himself, but that is not the way I am wired. 

I have explained to him that whereas I do love him, I don't know how to define that love.  His answer to that is for me to breathe and let things happen. He believes that if I would just allow myself to let go and open myself up to his love we  could possibly have the greatest love that ever existed.

I just feel it is too much love.  

I need to go breathe now.

Should I Add Another Theme Song?

Randy sent this song to me yesterday after I sent him a text telling him I was freaking out and couldn't breathe. When I talked to him last night I told him I did not understand how all the feelings kept coming at me, and that it was wrong to be falling for him so quickly, no matter how easy he made it. He explained it as being like a campfire. You have a nice fire at your camp and you let it die down, but if you want to build it back up again there is usually an ember or two you can just blow on and the whole thing lights up again. We were in love all those years ago and due to the circumstances at the time we let that die down, but it was never totally gone and now after all these years that love has been exposed to air again and it has come back as strong as before, only better because we have our life experiences to bring to the table, and the issues of the past are no longer part of the equation.  

All really nice words, but I am still ready to go back underneath my bed and hide. 

The other odd thing about him sending me this song is that the sculpture  I wanted and did not buy yesterday was of a woman holding out her arms and copper pieces falling from her hand spelling out "Spread Your Wings.'

He makes it so easy, and I keep making it so hard, but the man does know his music!

Leap Of Faith :

After my baby quit me
I wouldn't even go outside
And when my friends tried to fix me up
I'd crawl up underneath my bed and hide
I knew I was never gonna change my luck
'Til I got my courage up enough to try
And when I went ahead and spread my wings
I found out I could fly

Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith
Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith

I had no way of knowing
What would come from our first kiss
It scares me now just to think about
The good love I might have missed
Now I was just trying to find some help
I was trying to see myself as a survivor
I had to rise on up on the ashes of love
And jump back into the fire

Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith
Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith

Sometimes you've go to believe
Before you see the proof
You can wait a lifetime
For a moment of truth

Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith

Sometimes you've go to believe
Before you see the proof
You can wait a lifetime
For a moment of truth

Sometimes all it takes
Sometimes all it takes
Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith

Major Major Freak Out Today

I was walking around the Cottonwood Art Festival today having a fabulous time when I had a major major freak out that made my chest hurt.  

All my mind could say was "What in the world are you doing? You cannot have a relationship with anyone.  You haven't even really been out of your bubble for six years!"  For just a few minutes I had trouble even walking my chest hurt so bad and the fear hit me so hard.

At that very moment my phone beeped.  It was a text from Randy saying "If love's worth could be measured in gold, the love I have for you would be platinum."  I would like to say that calmed me down, but it just made it worse.  I sent a text back that I appreciated his words but I was in a major major freak out and was just trying to breathe.  I told him not to worry I would talk to him tonight and then I went on trying to breathe. I managed to calm down enough to continue enjoying the art festival, but was still freaked out when we left.

When we left the art festival we followed tradition and went to lunch.  At lunch I was having trouble swallowing my food.  The oldest left at one point to use the restroom, and I looked at my youngest and told him that I just didn't think I could be in a relationship with Randy even though he was making me happy. I told him I thought it was too much for me.  That sweet boy looked at me and said "Do you want me to yell at you?"  I asked him what he would say if he were to yell at me, and he said "Just be happy, and if he makes you happy go for it."  I told him I just didn't know if I could deal with the issues and he told me that I should give Randy a chance since he has overcome the issues I was talking about.  

I still don't know if I can do this, my chest is still tight and I know that Randy is very anxious to talk me tonight.  I feel sorry for Randy because I keep freaking out on him, and I know it makes him very anxious that I am going to walk away.  I told him that the day he receives the text that says I can't do it and it is over he should wait an hour or so and then ask if I am sure.  He told me he knows that day may come soon and he dreads that text.  He is worried he won't be able to convince me it will be okay.

Maybe the youngest will kick me in the butt that day.

Out of the Mouth of Babes

Last night was midnight breakfast with the boys.  I took the opportunity of having them both with me at once to tell them about my relationship with Randy. 

Their response was very interesting.  They both asked me if I was happy. When I said I was pretty happy they said that was good and they were happy for me.  

I wasn't quite buying the all is good thing by the looks on their faces so I asked a few more questions and this is what it boiled down to for both of them.  They are happy for me, but I should not expect them to like Randy.  The youngest even said "If he is a prick, I am not going to like him." I told them that I did not want them to stay away from me just because they didn't like the man in my life, and no man was worth coming between us.  I also told them Randy has told me repeatedly he will not come between the boys and me. I explained that whether they liked Randy was up to them, but that I did expect them to try to get to know him if they were ever given the chance. 

After that discussion I let it go and we went on to have a loud laughter filled breakfast.

Around 3:00 A.M. I was in doing laundry and the youngest came in to help.  I told him I was a little disappointed that he thought I would be interested in a "prick."  He explained that he had no idea what type of man I liked.  I asked him how he could say that when his dad was not a "prick."  Then my youngest said something that made me so extremely sad.  He said "How would I know that about dad?" The youngest said he didn't think you could really know what a person was like until you yourself were old enough to understand.  He said that he was just now at the age when he could discern what a person was like, so he couldn't comment on his dad.  I spent some time crying over that one.  

It Would Be So Easy

This relationship with Randy would be so easy, and yet I keep trying to make it hard.

Randy and Loni have both asked me why I want it to be hard, so I have been really concentrating on why I won't accept easy.

Easy is scary.  I mean here I am just now coming out of my bubble and this man comes back into my life, as a new person, and within weeks he is declaring he has always loved me and now that he knows what kind of woman I have become he loves me even more.  

He tells me he loves me because I am beautiful, strong, caring, independent, honest and remarkable. All words that embarrass me and make me feel unworthy, and yet I know he means every word.

I know that part of the reason I don't want it to be easy is because I don't want to be hurt again.  Not just by Randy, but by anyone. There is also that history with the old Randy, and I know I have to let it go.

There is also the fear that I am reaching for the comfort of the past and not trying to move forward.  

Then there is the other man from the past and a relationship that has not been resolved.  A relationship that I have been very honest about with Randy.  

I do know that I miss him all day long. He brings peace to my life and that the minute I hear his voice all stress leaves my body. I also know with every fiber of my being he loves me.

 

I don't know, it just doesn't seem like it should be this easy. 

OK Universe Your Scaring Me!

I am a very lucky, frightened woman.

I am lucky because I have no doubt in my mind that Randy loves me deeply.  Part of it is from our past, part of it is from our hours and hours we have spent on the phone since April 17.  

I have agreed to be open to giving him a chance to come back into my life.  SCARY!

Randy wants to take full advantage of the second chance God had given him to have me in his life and believes our relationship will be much better if he moves to Texas.  At this time he is looking for a job, so it would make sense for him to look for a job here instead of where he lives. He said it might take him a while, but I would need to be open to the idea. 

Of course I am open to him moving here vs be moving there.  I could keep the oasis and the safety net of my family and friends.  I haven't really been concerned about any move because I thought I had plenty of time to get used to the idea of Randy being where he would be a physical presence in my life and not just a voice on the phone.  

Plus Randy doesn't have a car. I keep explaining to him he cannot live here without a car. He currently lives where he can take public transportation just about any where he needs to go. In fact the bus stop is right outside his door.  I told him that if he lived here he would need a car to take him to the bus or train station.  Therefore the plan was he would get a job, save, get a car, and then if he still wanted to be here with me, we would move forward with him moving. I was good with this, we figured a year or two to get to that point.

In comes the universe! Randy has a really nice guy as a roommate named Mark.  In fact, if it hadn't been for Mark helping technophobe Randy get on Facebook, there would be no discussions between Randy and me.  Randy and Mark have conversations about their relationships since Mark is in a long distance relationship with a woman in Oregon.  In their conversation yesterday Mark offered to sell Randy his car.  WHAT! 

Last night Randy was online looking for jobs in this area and trying to decide how he could get all his musical equipment here since Mark says he could just leave his furniture.  WHAT!  

After breathing for a while I decided not to scream NO, TOO SCARY, and let the universe continue to plug along with its plan.  

I told Randy that if he moved here it was all on him and not on me in any way.  I am not asking him to move here, I am not making any commitment to him, etc.  He said he understands but he is not missing this chance God gave him.  

So OK universe you are scaring me to the point I can't breathe at times, but I will continue to be listen and be open. 

Paralysis by Over Analysis

Yesterday at work I went into a panic mode.

I emailed Loni and told her I could not do this.  I wanted back in my bubble.  

I also sent Randy a text and told him I was freaking out it was too much.  

Randy told me to go to the Serenity Prayer.

Loni sent me a wonderful email that let me come back down to a level of panic I could handle.  

Last night Randy told me I needed to breathe and that I needed to remember when I had a moment of total freak out that I was living my life by paralysis by over analysis. He asked me to try to enjoy my life at the moment instead of trying to plan out every moment coming.  He also said he knew that would be one of the hardest things for me to do.

Today, I going to live my Loni's advice:

Breathe in

Breathe out

The sun is warm

The grass is green

It will all be okay

(The Next Karate Kid: Sergeant Kesuke Miyagi ~ The sun is warm the grass is green)

Not Getting Much Done

I am not getting much done around the house these days.  It is hard to clean or quilt when you are acting like a school girl and talking on the phone all the time.  

Randy and I are not dong the "you hang up, no you hang up" act but we do have trouble limiting how long we talk.  We start off with good intentions saying that the conversation will end at ___hour, but we never hang up at that hour.  

I cannot believe how much we talk about.  It is some of the best conversation I have had in years.  Then there is the music.  Last night he was playing music to me he had recorded.  I have always loved his singing voice.  Unfortunately, he has lost a lot of range in the last few years due to asthma but he can still sing and his bass playing is better than ever.  

I keep thinking the shiny will wear off and we will get down to just a few minutes of phone time a night, but that doesn't look like it will happen any time soon.  

I guess the house will just have to be a mess for a while.  

Who'd Have Thunk

Just clicked off my first Skype date.  

Being the old people we are, we had talk about the "who'd have thunk" 37 years ago that we would be "dating" on a computer.  

Actually it was fun, we were able to introduce each other to things around our house and get to know our personalities now.  He also does much better when he can see expressions when people talk, so it was easier for him to understand some of my points in the conversation.

I was able to finally see his roommate Mark, a super nice guy, but I felt like I was on display so I had to tell Mark that he had to leave the room now that he had seen me.  

I think we were both nervous about "seeing" each other in a way other than chosen photos, but it was very easy and there never was a lull in the conversation.  

Who'd have thunk?

I Need a Curfew

Thirty two years is a long time not to talk to someone, therefore Randy and I have a lot of life to catch up on. We also have to learn about each other and who we are now, so there is a lot of conversation about political, religious and moral beliefs.  We can talk for hours and not realize it.

For some reason yesterday involved a lot more talking than usual.  We talked a little over 2 hours in the late afternoon and then both hung up to run different errands with the understanding he would call me back in the evening.  When he called back in the evening we talked for 5 hours before saying goodnight, but then ended up back on the phone about fifteen minutes later and talked another hour.  We were still on the phone with the youngest came home around 4:00 A.M. from his pre-release Magic event. 

When the youngest came in I talked to Randy a few minutes more and said goodnight. Evidently the youngest wasn't sure if I had been on the phone when he walked in the room because he asked me if I had been on a phone date that evening.  When I told him I had just hung up the phone he said "I thought so, but wasn't sure."  Then he said something that cracked me up.

"Mom you need a curfew.  We can't be having shenanigans like this. Sheesh!"  

I know he was just kidding me, but he is right.  I had to get up early this morning and I do need a curfew.  I am tired!  

Randy did ask for another "date" this afternoon, but I might have to cancel for a nap!

 

Smiling

I have heard a lot of comments this last week over how much I have been smiling.  

It is hard not to smile when you have romantic texts being sent to you all day long and very sweet words being said to you for hours every night.

Randy sent me a text today when I was at lunch with my super seniors, and it was just a really sweet message telling me that he would move to the moon if I was there and the women started talking about how I was blushing like a school girl.  

I don't know if this relationship has a chance at all, and I have made that very clear to Randy, but he sure knows how to woo a girl.  

I smiling as I type this just thinking about the text saying he had a great day but it would have been perfect with me by his side.  

Give the guy a gold star for effort.