Major Major Freak Out Today

I was walking around the Cottonwood Art Festival today having a fabulous time when I had a major major freak out that made my chest hurt.  

All my mind could say was "What in the world are you doing? You cannot have a relationship with anyone.  You haven't even really been out of your bubble for six years!"  For just a few minutes I had trouble even walking my chest hurt so bad and the fear hit me so hard.

At that very moment my phone beeped.  It was a text from Randy saying "If love's worth could be measured in gold, the love I have for you would be platinum."  I would like to say that calmed me down, but it just made it worse.  I sent a text back that I appreciated his words but I was in a major major freak out and was just trying to breathe.  I told him not to worry I would talk to him tonight and then I went on trying to breathe. I managed to calm down enough to continue enjoying the art festival, but was still freaked out when we left.

When we left the art festival we followed tradition and went to lunch.  At lunch I was having trouble swallowing my food.  The oldest left at one point to use the restroom, and I looked at my youngest and told him that I just didn't think I could be in a relationship with Randy even though he was making me happy. I told him I thought it was too much for me.  That sweet boy looked at me and said "Do you want me to yell at you?"  I asked him what he would say if he were to yell at me, and he said "Just be happy, and if he makes you happy go for it."  I told him I just didn't know if I could deal with the issues and he told me that I should give Randy a chance since he has overcome the issues I was talking about.  

I still don't know if I can do this, my chest is still tight and I know that Randy is very anxious to talk me tonight.  I feel sorry for Randy because I keep freaking out on him, and I know it makes him very anxious that I am going to walk away.  I told him that the day he receives the text that says I can't do it and it is over he should wait an hour or so and then ask if I am sure.  He told me he knows that day may come soon and he dreads that text.  He is worried he won't be able to convince me it will be okay.

Maybe the youngest will kick me in the butt that day.