The Theme for my 53rd Year: Finding Me

My first thought about this upcoming year was that it would be about moving on. I spent weeks thinking about just how to do that, but I was really struggling with the whole concept.  Then a very dear old friend gave me a good kick in the seat of the pants one night and told me that I could not move on in my life until I found myself again.  He told me it was definitely time for me to move on because I had been in my bubble for way to long, but he also reminded me that I was no longer the person I had been for the last 30 years.  He said it was time I realized it and figured out just who I was again. He said a lot more, but that is the gist of it all.

He actually made me so mad all I could think about for the first 24 hours after that conversation was that he hadn't changed a bit and still knew just how to go after my jugular. I kept asking myself who did he think he was to talk to me that way.  Then I remembered ... one of my oldest, dearest and best friends in my life.  The only person besides Raymond that knows me from the inside out. The one that can hit that jugular every single time and then ask me "Am I right, or am I right." 

So after a day or two, when I calmed down enough to really think about what he said and my life, I realized I really have no clue who I am any more.  I need to find me again, or at least the me that is a sum of all my experiences.  

I started making a list:

Who I am not:

1. A wife. 
2. The mother to two young boys.
3. A daughter.
4. A caretaker.
5. An active volunteer.

Who I am:

1. The mother of two grown men. The youngest is still 18, but as he has told me several times lately he is self-sufficient in pretty much every area except money, and that is because I raised him that way.
2. A friend to many. 
3. A conscientious worker.

That is all I could come up with as I was making my list.

My twin friend told me I am much more than I admit.  In fact when she tells me who I am I blush because I just cannot think of myself that way.  That is why she says she will write my online profile when I finally decide to use a dating service.

My youngest told me recently I had self-esteem issues.  I asked him what gave him the first clue.

So I am going to spend my 53rd year trying to find me.  I hope I am not lost forever.