Oldest Graduates

My oldest graduated Cum Laude with a Bachelor of Arts in Emerging Media and Communication from the University of Texas at Dallas today. Don't you know his dad would have been proud!

I know I am.

Good Job "YOung One"

My youngest is not the best about checking his cell phone, in fact he had not turned it on in a couple of days until this morning.  Imagine his surprise when he heard messages from his bank and checked his account to learn it had been depleted. 

This is a child that at any given time can tell me almost to a penny how much money is in his account.  He had not used his debit card in the last couple of days, and knew exactly where he had used it and what time.

He called the bank back and I listened as he handled the situation perfectly and politely.  The matter has been handled and his money will be replaced by the bank in a few days. Fortunately his rent check had already cleared. 

It is amazing how much he has matured in the last few months, and at 18 he has a remarkable amount of confidence in who he is and what he wants.  (Mostly he just wants Magic cards.)

Very Proud Mama

My oldest will graduate from the University of Texas at Dallas tomorrow afternoon.  Thursday he received his Cum Laude award.  He has fast tracked in the Master's program and his first two graduate classes were a A and B+, which is excellent considering he was working on his capstone, finishing his degree, and working his regular job, in addition to being part of the development of a Facebook application that has gained international attention.  

I have some concerns about the path he has chosen, but I keep telling myself that Raymond told me to let them make their own choices. I was not allowed to make my own choice when it came to my degree plan, and I was never happy with with it and removed myself from the field very quickly.  

Tomorrow will be bittersweet because Raymond will not be there, but my oldest will be surrounded by love and I will know how proud Raymond would have been.  

Look at those Eyes!

My youngest.  Just like his Mama, doesn't like his picture taken. Look at those blue eyes!

Messing With Me Through Music

The men in my life are messing with me through music.

I have one man haunting me with songs he says reminds him of me every time he hears them.





I have another one doing his best to woo me with music.

Like this song he used to sing to me in 1975 and he read to me again tonight.



Or this one he said he couldn't sing during gigs because it reminded him of how badly he messed up our relationship.




I think I am going to have to write a song about "backing off."

A Blast from the Past

My brother is 9 years older than me.  He was always in bands when I was growing up, which meant a lot of evenings at Battle of the Bands and  county fairs.

This was my favorite song his band covered in 1966.



There for a while I did hate Wipeout.  Really there is a limit on how many times you can hear it in one night before you start thinking of where you could put those drumsticks.

Oh. I almost forgot the Troggs and their hit "Wild Thing."






 

Just for Me

Randy wrote this for me.  I did leave out the first line because it was his nickname for me and well Mina knows what it is.  

 

you are.....the reason

I   believe 

in  

you

you  fill  

everyone's 

life rich

with your 

love

and  so

you 

deserve 

love

so

true

 

 

Finding Me Continues

I continue on with my search for me. 

I went to the Watters Creek Arts Festival today, by myself, and wandered in and out of the booths talking to the different artists, some were new to me, others are like old friends and hugged me as I entered.

I had to laugh at some of the messages I received in some of the booths.  In one booth the first piece of art I saw said "Give Love a Chance."  

Another booth had some great car chimes.  The first one I picked up said "Trust" and then I grabbed the next one and it said "Believe in Yourself."  Before I was done going through all the booths, the universe had provided me several messages. 

At one point I called Randy and told him that I was being kicked black and blue at this festival.  He thought it was hilarious. 

I am going to keep my mind open and pay attention to the universe, but I can only be kicked so far!

I have noticed that hawk is staying silent.  

My Life Has Become a Soap Opera

How is it that suddenly I have two men telling me they love me at the same time.  One is professing his love over instant message while the other is telling me in a phone call. 

It is too much.  It is ridiculous.  It is giving me a headache!

The worse part for me is I know they both mean it.  

As The World Turns - Kentucky Style ... to be continued.

My one friend did suggest that I find myself a good ole Texas man and be done with it.

 

 

Diversity in Friendship

Paul Thorn's "Pimps and Preachers" reminds me of the diversity of my friends over the years.  My mother used to complain that I would befriend anyone I saw, no matter what their circumstances.  I never did understand how that could possibly be a bad thing.

When you open yourself up to people from all walks of life your life is enriched in ways you could never imagine.

To my knowledge I never hung around with a pimp, but I have known a few people with illegal substances to sell. 

I have also known some mighty fine preachers in my lifetime. 

Too Much Love

I am having a difficult day.  I am feeling very overwhelmed by how Randy feels about me and us.

I don't know if I can be in a relationship with someone who loves me so much. I know how stupid that sounds, but that is how I feel right now.  

 

My guess is that since April 17 I have spent close to 100 hours on the phone with Randy.  There have been many days when we have spent 8 hours on the phone at one time.  We never seem to run out of things to talk about and we have lots of laughs.   It is through these phone calls that he has declared his love for me, and I have no reason to doubt him, especially since we did not break up all those years ago because we fell out of love.  

 

I just feel overwhelmed by his love. He came back into my life so unexpectedly. In fact, it was quite a shock since  I actually thought he was dead. I didn't have any proof he was dead, and no one told me that he was dead, that was based strictly on what was happening the last time I told him goodbye. 

 

I know it is fear that is making me feel this way.  

 

My dear friend that kicked me the rear not long ago asked me if I didn't think I was just playing it safe by getting into a relationship from the past.  The answer to that was yes, I worry that is what I am doing. The flip side to that is why would I not at least try to give a man who loves me  a chance.  

 

Randy says I shouldn't make any decisions until we see each other in person.  He wants me to come visit him this summer.  We have actually been planning what we might do on a "date."  He brought up the art museum.  You have to give the man credit there. He knows what I like.  He even mentioned me planning my visit around the blues festival. 

It is just that when he tells me how much he cares for me and loves me I start feeling responsible for him.  Of course he explains that is not how it is and that he is responsible for himself, but that is not the way I am wired. 

I have explained to him that whereas I do love him, I don't know how to define that love.  His answer to that is for me to breathe and let things happen. He believes that if I would just allow myself to let go and open myself up to his love we  could possibly have the greatest love that ever existed.

I just feel it is too much love.  

I need to go breathe now.

The Perfect Birthday Card

My friend Laurie sent me the perfect birthday card this year. 

The card says:

As we grow older, it's important to remember that life is all about how you handle Plan B.

                                                        Plan B

Plan A is always my first choice.
You know, the one where
Everything works out to be
Happily ever after.

But more often than not,
I find myself dealing with
The upside-down,
inside-out version
Where nothing goes as it should.

It's at this point that the real test
Of my character comes in...
Do I sink or do I swim?
Do I wallow in self-pity
And play the victim
Or simply shift gears
And make the best of the situation?
The choice is mine.  After all...
Life is all about
How you handle plan B
                    - Suzy Toronto

Blessed are the flexible...
for they shall not be bent out of shape.

I keep reading this over and over again.  My Plan A ended almost six years ago. It ended way too soon.

I am still trying to figure out Plan B.

Randy wants to be in my Plan B, but that is so scary.

So Thankful!

Monday I was involved in an automobile accident.  I was hit from behind while waiting to turn into the driveway at work.

My co-workers called 911 and the volunteer fire department started to arrive. Since I know so many men on the fire department it was like old home week.  One of the firemen came running up to hug me and tell me he was so upset when he realized I was in the accident.  All of the firemen and EMTs were very kind. One of the firemen from my church made sure to introduce me to the EMT and tell me I was in really good hands.

The family emergency system worked great.  Loni was at the hospital before I arrived and had me almost completely checked in by the time before I was in the ER room.

X-rays and CAT scan showed nothing broken.  I have some strained muscles.  I am taking a couple of days off work to recover and taking the medicine I was prescribed.

As I was waiting for the test results in the hospital, I was getting text messages and phone calls from my Super Seniors and other friends at church.  I truly am blessed to have so many caring people in my life. 

I am just so thankful that I was able to walk away from the accident as was the man that hit me. 

Should I Add Another Theme Song?

Randy sent this song to me yesterday after I sent him a text telling him I was freaking out and couldn't breathe. When I talked to him last night I told him I did not understand how all the feelings kept coming at me, and that it was wrong to be falling for him so quickly, no matter how easy he made it. He explained it as being like a campfire. You have a nice fire at your camp and you let it die down, but if you want to build it back up again there is usually an ember or two you can just blow on and the whole thing lights up again. We were in love all those years ago and due to the circumstances at the time we let that die down, but it was never totally gone and now after all these years that love has been exposed to air again and it has come back as strong as before, only better because we have our life experiences to bring to the table, and the issues of the past are no longer part of the equation.  

All really nice words, but I am still ready to go back underneath my bed and hide. 

The other odd thing about him sending me this song is that the sculpture  I wanted and did not buy yesterday was of a woman holding out her arms and copper pieces falling from her hand spelling out "Spread Your Wings.'

He makes it so easy, and I keep making it so hard, but the man does know his music!

Leap Of Faith :

After my baby quit me
I wouldn't even go outside
And when my friends tried to fix me up
I'd crawl up underneath my bed and hide
I knew I was never gonna change my luck
'Til I got my courage up enough to try
And when I went ahead and spread my wings
I found out I could fly

Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith
Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith

I had no way of knowing
What would come from our first kiss
It scares me now just to think about
The good love I might have missed
Now I was just trying to find some help
I was trying to see myself as a survivor
I had to rise on up on the ashes of love
And jump back into the fire

Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith
Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith

Sometimes you've go to believe
Before you see the proof
You can wait a lifetime
For a moment of truth

Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith

Sometimes you've go to believe
Before you see the proof
You can wait a lifetime
For a moment of truth

Sometimes all it takes
Sometimes all it takes
Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith

Major Major Freak Out Today

I was walking around the Cottonwood Art Festival today having a fabulous time when I had a major major freak out that made my chest hurt.  

All my mind could say was "What in the world are you doing? You cannot have a relationship with anyone.  You haven't even really been out of your bubble for six years!"  For just a few minutes I had trouble even walking my chest hurt so bad and the fear hit me so hard.

At that very moment my phone beeped.  It was a text from Randy saying "If love's worth could be measured in gold, the love I have for you would be platinum."  I would like to say that calmed me down, but it just made it worse.  I sent a text back that I appreciated his words but I was in a major major freak out and was just trying to breathe.  I told him not to worry I would talk to him tonight and then I went on trying to breathe. I managed to calm down enough to continue enjoying the art festival, but was still freaked out when we left.

When we left the art festival we followed tradition and went to lunch.  At lunch I was having trouble swallowing my food.  The oldest left at one point to use the restroom, and I looked at my youngest and told him that I just didn't think I could be in a relationship with Randy even though he was making me happy. I told him I thought it was too much for me.  That sweet boy looked at me and said "Do you want me to yell at you?"  I asked him what he would say if he were to yell at me, and he said "Just be happy, and if he makes you happy go for it."  I told him I just didn't know if I could deal with the issues and he told me that I should give Randy a chance since he has overcome the issues I was talking about.  

I still don't know if I can do this, my chest is still tight and I know that Randy is very anxious to talk me tonight.  I feel sorry for Randy because I keep freaking out on him, and I know it makes him very anxious that I am going to walk away.  I told him that the day he receives the text that says I can't do it and it is over he should wait an hour or so and then ask if I am sure.  He told me he knows that day may come soon and he dreads that text.  He is worried he won't be able to convince me it will be okay.

Maybe the youngest will kick me in the butt that day.

More from Cottonwood Art Festival, Spring 2012

I bought more than just rings from the Cottonwood Art Festival today.

I added another print to my collection from Andy Van Schyndle, his booth is under the name Wagalabagala.  My oldest and his girlfriend have quite a collection from Andy, but I am only interested in his pieces that have turtles in them.  The print I bought today is entitled "A Tree Made for Swinging."

A Tree Made for Swinging by Andy Van Schyndle

This is not the piece I purchased from Mark Radenacher of Eureka Springs, but it is the type of tile I purchased.  Really great man. I hope to visit him in his studio next time I am in Eureka Springs.

www.leafshadows.net

One of my favorite booths today was occupied by Jeff Dallas of Tile Tempo from Grafton, Wisconsin.  He had some awesome turtle art!  I could not afford the piece I really wanted, but I did come away with a small tile.  

I also picked up a couple of tiles from the artists I bought my Breathe tile from at Artscape. 

The oldest has some work to do tomorrow in getting my new pieces up on the walls.

I love Cottonwood Art Festival!

Cottonwood Art Festival, Spring 2012

Today was the first day of the Cottonwood Art Festival, Spring 2012.  One of my favorite art festivals of the year.  This year I had a mission to find a ring.  My boys had promised to give me a certain amount of money to buy a ring for my birthday as soon as I found one, knowing that I would want an arty looking ring.  

I am pleased to say I fulfilled that mission, and also added two more rings to my collection.

Gift from boys for my 53rd Birthday
www.baileysartjewelry.com Dripping Springs, TX

www.beachglassbingo.net

My newest from Sharon Johnston. 
The beads are removable to be interchangeable.  This is a 7mm beads.

Out of the Mouth of Babes

Last night was midnight breakfast with the boys.  I took the opportunity of having them both with me at once to tell them about my relationship with Randy. 

Their response was very interesting.  They both asked me if I was happy. When I said I was pretty happy they said that was good and they were happy for me.  

I wasn't quite buying the all is good thing by the looks on their faces so I asked a few more questions and this is what it boiled down to for both of them.  They are happy for me, but I should not expect them to like Randy.  The youngest even said "If he is a prick, I am not going to like him." I told them that I did not want them to stay away from me just because they didn't like the man in my life, and no man was worth coming between us.  I also told them Randy has told me repeatedly he will not come between the boys and me. I explained that whether they liked Randy was up to them, but that I did expect them to try to get to know him if they were ever given the chance. 

After that discussion I let it go and we went on to have a loud laughter filled breakfast.

Around 3:00 A.M. I was in doing laundry and the youngest came in to help.  I told him I was a little disappointed that he thought I would be interested in a "prick."  He explained that he had no idea what type of man I liked.  I asked him how he could say that when his dad was not a "prick."  Then my youngest said something that made me so extremely sad.  He said "How would I know that about dad?" The youngest said he didn't think you could really know what a person was like until you yourself were old enough to understand.  He said that he was just now at the age when he could discern what a person was like, so he couldn't comment on his dad.  I spent some time crying over that one.  

That Look Was Priceless

I just ran into the local drugstore to buy a birthday card for a friend.  As I walked in I saw a friend of my youngest.  I said "Well Hello there" and he turned around and said "Hi Cheryl."  As soon as he said it he looked like he was going to pass out.  I admit I was a little taken aback and then thought it was funny.

You know I have quite a collection of young men that come to my house ages 22 to 16, but none of them call me Cheryl.  It is either Mrs.__________ or Mom.  I have always told them that when they turn 18 they can call me Cheryl and some have tried a few times, but they always seem uncomfortable and soon slip back to Mrs. ___________ .  So when this young man said Cheryl I know he was appalled at his manners.  He is not quite 18 yet so he is not of the age I have given him permission to use my first name.

I did notice that when he left he said "Goodbye Mrs. _____________."

It Would Be So Easy

This relationship with Randy would be so easy, and yet I keep trying to make it hard.

Randy and Loni have both asked me why I want it to be hard, so I have been really concentrating on why I won't accept easy.

Easy is scary.  I mean here I am just now coming out of my bubble and this man comes back into my life, as a new person, and within weeks he is declaring he has always loved me and now that he knows what kind of woman I have become he loves me even more.  

He tells me he loves me because I am beautiful, strong, caring, independent, honest and remarkable. All words that embarrass me and make me feel unworthy, and yet I know he means every word.

I know that part of the reason I don't want it to be easy is because I don't want to be hurt again.  Not just by Randy, but by anyone. There is also that history with the old Randy, and I know I have to let it go.

There is also the fear that I am reaching for the comfort of the past and not trying to move forward.  

Then there is the other man from the past and a relationship that has not been resolved.  A relationship that I have been very honest about with Randy.  

I do know that I miss him all day long. He brings peace to my life and that the minute I hear his voice all stress leaves my body. I also know with every fiber of my being he loves me.

 

I don't know, it just doesn't seem like it should be this easy. 

OK Universe Your Scaring Me!

I am a very lucky, frightened woman.

I am lucky because I have no doubt in my mind that Randy loves me deeply.  Part of it is from our past, part of it is from our hours and hours we have spent on the phone since April 17.  

I have agreed to be open to giving him a chance to come back into my life.  SCARY!

Randy wants to take full advantage of the second chance God had given him to have me in his life and believes our relationship will be much better if he moves to Texas.  At this time he is looking for a job, so it would make sense for him to look for a job here instead of where he lives. He said it might take him a while, but I would need to be open to the idea. 

Of course I am open to him moving here vs be moving there.  I could keep the oasis and the safety net of my family and friends.  I haven't really been concerned about any move because I thought I had plenty of time to get used to the idea of Randy being where he would be a physical presence in my life and not just a voice on the phone.  

Plus Randy doesn't have a car. I keep explaining to him he cannot live here without a car. He currently lives where he can take public transportation just about any where he needs to go. In fact the bus stop is right outside his door.  I told him that if he lived here he would need a car to take him to the bus or train station.  Therefore the plan was he would get a job, save, get a car, and then if he still wanted to be here with me, we would move forward with him moving. I was good with this, we figured a year or two to get to that point.

In comes the universe! Randy has a really nice guy as a roommate named Mark.  In fact, if it hadn't been for Mark helping technophobe Randy get on Facebook, there would be no discussions between Randy and me.  Randy and Mark have conversations about their relationships since Mark is in a long distance relationship with a woman in Oregon.  In their conversation yesterday Mark offered to sell Randy his car.  WHAT! 

Last night Randy was online looking for jobs in this area and trying to decide how he could get all his musical equipment here since Mark says he could just leave his furniture.  WHAT!  

After breathing for a while I decided not to scream NO, TOO SCARY, and let the universe continue to plug along with its plan.  

I told Randy that if he moved here it was all on him and not on me in any way.  I am not asking him to move here, I am not making any commitment to him, etc.  He said he understands but he is not missing this chance God gave him.  

So OK universe you are scaring me to the point I can't breathe at times, but I will continue to be listen and be open. 

Because I Didn't Have To

I am a caretaker.  Any time I take any personality or career type test the results always involve a caretaker type role.  

The past few years people have been telling me I need to take care of myself.  I always shrug it off and say "I will, I will."

Since I have been having all these long conversations with Randy, he has really been talking to me about taking better care of myself.  The more he has talked about it, the more I have thought about it.  

I think I have figured it out.

I don't take care of me, because I never had to take care of me.  

Once I graduated high school I continued to live with my parents, but I had a job, enrolled myself in college, and ran my life.  We had a great family life, but I didn't require my parents to take care of me, but I only took care of myself in the basic ways because heck I was young and invincible.

Then I married Raymond.  The first few years of our marriage we took care of each other, but we were also so busy with our jobs, saving for our future, young married life, and we cared for each other but were pretty independent too.

Then life became a little busier. We had the boys, my dad was ill, my mom was stressed, and I was running around taking care of everyone because that is what I do, and I didn't have time to worry about taking care of myself.  I didn't need to take care of myself, Raymond took care of me.  He took great care of me all the time, in every way, allowing me to take care of the ones that couldn't take care of themselves.

Since Raymond died, I have continued to take care of others, but I never added myself back into the queue. 

I had all those years of not taking care of myself because I didn't have to thanks to Raymond.Now I realize I need to start taking care of myself, especially if I am going to try to have any type of relationship with Randy or anyone else. 

My Front Yard

May 2, 2012
Texas dandelions blooming in the morning.

View from the street looking towards the house.

Paralysis by Over Analysis

Yesterday at work I went into a panic mode.

I emailed Loni and told her I could not do this.  I wanted back in my bubble.  

I also sent Randy a text and told him I was freaking out it was too much.  

Randy told me to go to the Serenity Prayer.

Loni sent me a wonderful email that let me come back down to a level of panic I could handle.  

Last night Randy told me I needed to breathe and that I needed to remember when I had a moment of total freak out that I was living my life by paralysis by over analysis. He asked me to try to enjoy my life at the moment instead of trying to plan out every moment coming.  He also said he knew that would be one of the hardest things for me to do.

Today, I going to live my Loni's advice:

Breathe in

Breathe out

The sun is warm

The grass is green

It will all be okay

(The Next Karate Kid: Sergeant Kesuke Miyagi ~ The sun is warm the grass is green)

Will I Color My World?

Several friends have commented on how different I look and sound since Randy has come back in my life.  One said my laughter seemed to have life to it.  One of the ladies that came by my office yesterday asked me what I had done to change my appearance because she couldn't figure out why I looked so different.  

I recently moved my art work around in my house.  I moved this painting to just outside my bathroom door in the hall.  It is what I see when I exit the bathroom.  Since 2008 it has been down by my oldest's bedroom and I haven't really looked at it in all those years.

By Wesley Holderby

 The other day as I walked by this painting it caught my eye and I really stopped to look at it.  As I looked at the different elements in this piece, I was suddenly overwhelmed by the realization of how much this art work represented my life.  I have been the man on the left. Sitting back and looking at a world that was truly colorless to me.  What had brought color and joy to me was gone and while I could see the beauty around me it never really went to my core.  Since Randy has come back in my life, I feel a little color coming back.  I just need to put my hand out and let it wash over me and see what happens.

So here I am, the man on the right with my hand out.  Will I let the color drop down, or will I pull my hand back?

I Can't Fix It!

I am currently under a lot of stress. 

There are some major issues going on in the work area of my life and people seem to think I can come up with the answers that will fix everything.  Well I can't.

I did not cause the problems, and I cannot fix the problems.  That is my mantra lately.  I must say it 1,000 times a day. Why doesn't anyone believe me?  

Not Getting Much Done

I am not getting much done around the house these days.  It is hard to clean or quilt when you are acting like a school girl and talking on the phone all the time.  

Randy and I are not dong the "you hang up, no you hang up" act but we do have trouble limiting how long we talk.  We start off with good intentions saying that the conversation will end at ___hour, but we never hang up at that hour.  

I cannot believe how much we talk about.  It is some of the best conversation I have had in years.  Then there is the music.  Last night he was playing music to me he had recorded.  I have always loved his singing voice.  Unfortunately, he has lost a lot of range in the last few years due to asthma but he can still sing and his bass playing is better than ever.  

I keep thinking the shiny will wear off and we will get down to just a few minutes of phone time a night, but that doesn't look like it will happen any time soon.  

I guess the house will just have to be a mess for a while.