Long Day

Last night and today was orientation for my youngest at his new school. I left orientation last night after a few minutes of greeting old acquaintances and spent quality time with my oldest. The youngest had to spend the night.

Today I got up at 6:15 a.m., showered, dressed, had breakfast, and drove the hour to get back to the orientation by 8:30 a.m. The sessions started right on time and went on all day.

We would listen for a couple of sessions, get up to walk to another building, get a snack, attend another session, go back to the other building, get up, have a meal, and then go back to the other building, etc. We finally finished up around 6:00 p.m.

We stopped on the way home to get ice cream at Beth Marie's, then went to IKEA to replace my bedroom quilting bookcase that I gave up to the boys for their playroom.

The youngest and I finally got home around 8:40 p.m. tonight. Hot, thirsty, and so tired. We looked at the pool and thought about how great it would feel on such a hot sticky night, but we were both too tired to make the effort to get in and out of it. Too tired to cool off in the pool, now that is sad, but quite a testament as to how long this day was.

"What Are You Going to Do?" "Sleep"

It has become the "Question." What are you going to do come August?

I just got off the phone with my brother. We speak almost every week now that he has moved back to California. Every time we speak he asks me "What are going to do when you are on your own?" He wants to know if I am preparing myself.

Friends ask me, acquaintances ask me, my boss asks me.

The answer is always the same. "I don't know."

I don't know because I don't know what it will feel like.

I lived by myself almost the whole year we were in Houston because Raymond spent almost the whole time in the hospital, and yet I can't say I was really living on my own. I spent between 10-16 hours a day at the hospital every day, and sometimes there would be days that the only time I was in the apartment was to shower.

There were three weeks the summer after Raymond died when I was here alone, but I was still taking care of my mother in her apartment and quite frankly I was trying out a new prescription and pretty much slept those three weeks away, so I didn't really get a feel of how it felt.

It is not like I lead a very exciting life now. The only difference I can see coming is what it will be like knowing that I am alone with no one to call to when I don't feel well, or when I need help with lifting something or reaching something. So, other than being a little more lonely than I am now, I cannot see how much will change.

I know it will be quite an adjustment, but it is one that almost everyone makes sooner or later in their life.

I guess I just don't know what people mean when they ask "What are you going to do?" What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to sprout wings and fly? Am I supposed to suddenly become charming, witty, and beautiful?

I hope no one is holding their breath and expecting something great out of me, because I don't feel anything great coming on. In fact most of the time I just feel exhausted. Maybe I will just sleep come September. Maybe that is the answer to the question.

Question "What are you going to do come August?"

Answer: "Sleep."