RED Opens February 3

This fabulous teapot is by my friend Kathleen Becherer and will be part of the RED exhibit, opening reception February 3 at 7:00 p.m. at Gallery 8680, Frisco, TX. I am so excited for her!

 

Whole New Outlook

I have posted before about finding old friends on Facebook and how wonderful it is to be in contact with so many people from so long ago.  It has been great fun to reconnect with all of them, but only one person from the past has really made a huge impact on my outlook on life.

He was one of my very best friends, and may be the only other person in the world who knows me almost as well as Raymond did.  We never dated, but we did, and do love each other.  

Until reconnecting around Thanksgiving, 2011, we have had no one on one contact since the week before my wedding.  I kept up with him for years through my parents, and then my in-laws, but he dropped off my grid about ten years ago.  He in turn knew when Raymond got sick, but did not know what happened afterwards.

Now here we are back in touch, and it is as if we were never ever apart.  He still knows me, I still know him, and we make each other smile. 

We are slowly catching up on the 35 years since high school.  He is happily married, has three children, dotes on his six grandchildren, and still lives in our hometown. 

Since finding each other again, we have not missed a day of catching up.  He makes me laugh out loud at least once a day.  We both believe we are blessings in each others lives, and we mourn the fact that we were apart for so very long.  

Having this wonderful male friend back in my life has really made me remember just how much I miss having a man to share things with on a daily basis.  I had pushed those feelings so far down that I did not think they would ever see the light of day again, but this man brought them out again after just a couple of weeks.  I told him I did not know whether to kiss him or curse him.  

He reminds me on a daily basis that I still can have great love in my life because I am worthy of love.  He brings out the joy in me and makes me feel like having fun again. Through the stories of how much he loves his wife, he reminds me of what I had with Raymond and could have again. 

He has given me a whole new outlook.  Now I just have to figure out what to do with it. 

My friend has given me a future, albeit a very uncertain one.

The only thing certain about my future, is that whatever happens, my friend is there for me, always has been, always will be.  I am so very blessed.  I love him so. 

How Long Before They Would Notice?

Okay, I get it, my boys are men now, 18 and 21.  The oldest has not lived at home on a permanent basis since he was 16, and the youngest has not lived at home on a permanent basis since he was 15 because of the school they chose to attend.

They both have the own lives and I am proud of them. 

All that being said, I am beginning to wonder just how long it would take for them to notice if I moved out of the house.  

The youngest comes home almost every weekend, but I think if he came home and I wasn't here he would just think he forgot I told him I was going to be away.  

The oldest comes by so seldom, and has so little contact with me that I could probably be gone for months before he would notice.  

If I had somewhere to go, it might be a fun experiment.

Retro Week

My high school buddies and I have been playing retro week on FB.  We are posting pictures that are at least 20 years old.  

I put up my high school graduation picture even though I have always hated that photo.  I posted it because Raymond loved it and carried with him always and because another friend on FB mentioned it a while back in a chat.  

I am not smiling in the picture because I had braces on.  There is a pose from that sitting with me smiling and showing the braces (Raymond loved that one too) that the photographer insisted he take saying I would want it in the future.  Well it is pretty far into the future and I have never ever wanted that photo shown.  

Here is the graduation picture. 

Old Letters

I was going through some boxes I had in the closet tonight and found the box with all the letters Raymond wrote me in college along with the ones I wrote him.  

I started reading the ones that I wrote Raymond beginning in January, 1981.  I graduated in May, 1981 and Raymond graduated in December, 1981.

I forgot how much we wrote each other.  There were sometimes 2-3 letters going out a day.  A lot of these letters were written before we became engaged, but we were not dating other people at the time.  

I cannot believe how much stuff I had forgotten about our lives back then.  At one point I was talking about the job interviews I was going on and I couldn't remember even applying to some of those places until I sat down and really thought about it.  I decided the reason I couldn't remember was because there was a mall opening in town at that time and I had applied to several stores.  The interviews were held in a motel because the actual stores did not exist.  I had blanked out those interviews because most of them were so strange.  

I also made references to people that I now have no memory of, at all.  I was able to remember about half of them, but some of them I am sitting here thinking "Who?"  There was one letter all about this one guy and his wife. Evidently I knew them very well as I was telling Raymond about a personal issue they were having, but now I have absolutely no clue who they were, where they lived, and how Raymond and I would have known them.  

I forgot that we tried to fix my roommate up with Raymond's roommate.  They just sat and stared at each other all night.  Very awkward.

There were letters describing how my shift went when I was night manager of this creepy little pizza parlor.  Over the years I have remembered some of the things that happened, but I blanked out a lot of stuff.  I certainly remember the strange little guy that used to come in every night and play "Secret Agent Man" on the jukebox and how one night he came up to me and told me he "smelled murder."  I really thought he was going to kill me.  That guy had the coldest stare.  What I didn't remember was another guy that would come in and hassle me, but I did tell Raymond in great detail what that guy said.  No wonder Raymond did not mind staying with me until closing at 2:00 A.M. the weekends he was in town.  I am really surprised nothing bad happened to me at that place.  It was on a very dark corner with no street lights, it was always being broken into and some of the other employees were of questionable character.

The other thing I discovered by reading the letters was just how long I have had a messed up sleep pattern.  I knew I started having issues in high school.  I did not realize until I read what I told Raymond just how little sleep I was getting in school.  Not because I partied, but because I pretty much had the same issues then as I do now.

Tomorrow night I might read the letters Raymond wrote me.  That should be fun.  I remember some of his letters being laugh out loud funny.  

How that man ever put up with me I will never know, but I am glad he did.  

 

Storming Tonight

It is storming here tonight.  Lots of wind, rain, thunder, and lightning. The power is flickering on and off.  It has been a while since we have had such a storm.

It has also been a while since I have been alone during a storm.  The last couple of storms we had Loni was living here and at least one boy was home.  

I am not afraid to be alone in a storm, it is just that it is boring.  If someone was here we could play a game or something.  As it is the power is messing with the television and I don't want to turn on my sewing machine because of the lightning, even if it is plugged into a surge protector.  I am not in the mood to read.  

Guess I will just sit here and watch the lighting go across the sky and listen to the rain and thunder.  Although the wind is so strong all my bells are chiming making it hard to hear the thunder.

Nana Duties

I am playing Nana to my grandcat for a couple of weeks.  I started taking care of her on Wednesday, but until yesterday the only had a few clues that she was actually in residence. Clues such as missing food, more clumps in the litter box, and different toys out on the floor.  

Yesterday Hu and I went to take care of her and there she was up on her laundry room shelf looking at us.  Even after we talked to her and left the room she remained there instead of hiding behind the dryer.  I took that to mean that she now understands that when Nana walks in the house good things happen.  She is a smart cat, so I know she recognizes that when I leave she will find a splash of milk in one bowl, treats in another, and some fresh shredded stinky something or other on a plate in by her dry food.  

I think my grandcat and I have the perfect relationship.   I don't expect anything out of her and she knows I will take care of her needs.  

A Hat with an Attitude

Had dinner with Jill last night and then we went to a Jockey and J.C. Penney.  I found nothing at Jockey, but did get two clearance tops and a new hat at J.C. Penney.

I must say I love my new hat.  It has an attitude! 

Now I just need a couple of tops to go with it.  

Of course this hat has totally different uses than my beautiful green hat Mina gave me.  My Mina green hat makes me feel pretty.  This one makes me feel sassy.  

It is all good!

Is Your Boss a Pychopath

I found this very interesting.  I am NOT making any statement about my boss.  I just find human beings to be fascinating.

What a Glorious Day!

It is 78 degrees out on my porch.  I spent an hour in the porch swing reading and listening to all my chimes.  I would have spent the entire afternoon out there, but I had to be responsible and come in and do paperwork and such.  

I love days like today!

Alright

"Alright" seems to be the extent of my youngest son's vocabulary the last couple of days.  

At least that is the only answer he has given me in texts since he has been back on campus.  

If he knows what is good for him, he will know more words by tomorrow night when he comes home for the weekend, and they better not all be about Friday Night Magic.  (as in Magic the Gathering)

I Can Move On

I did it.

I was finally able to have a conversation that should have taken place 35 years ago.  It was very freeing.

I think I can truly move on now. 

The best part is that it changed everything and nothing.  Which probably doesn't make sense to anyone but the person I had the conversation with and me, but that is okay because we understand it completely.

I am happier than I have been in years.

Going to Work on Two Stops Tomorrow

If all goes well tomorrow I am going to do something that will help me let go of something in my past, and stop berating myself for a past mistake.  

I am going to let go of a promise made to me that cannot possibly be kept, and I am going to speak my feelings about that promise and all that surrounded it.

It is a highly emotional subject with a very complicated history, but if I don't speak my mind I will never be able to let this promise go.  If I don't let the promise go, then I cannot move on.

The promise was made to me 37 years ago. 

This is a huge step for me, and it is terrifying, but I have been working up to this since New Year's Eve.  

I just pray that it will not be the end of this long relationship.  A relationship that has held me up over all the years.  

So Handsome, Again

Tonight was the night the boys moved back to campus.  The youngest packed and was gone by 7:30.  The oldest however had not come home from being gone since Wednesday night and by 9:00 I decided he would not be home tonight.  

Around 9:30 p.m. I went to the bathroom to wash up a little and as usual I was distracted by a book and ended up sitting in at my dressing table for a while.  When I opened the door to come out I thought I heard a "Hello" but I wasn't sure since I had the bathroom heater fan running and it is loud. Of course it doesn't help that other than the light in the room I am sitting in I never turn on other lights in the house.  It wasn't until I slowly started down the hall that I realized my oldest was some where in the house. 

I yelled out "Hello" and my oldest came around the corner with a big surprise for me.  He had let his girlfriend give him a haircut.  It looked wonderful.  I was already happy last week when he had shaved his full beard down to a goatee and now this shorter layered haircut!  I was dancing around the house.  

I made him sit on the couch with me so I could stare at him for a little while.  He looked very handsome.

I just wish he had cut his hair before he had his passport picture taken.  Oh well, I'll take what I can get.

I am one happy Mama.

30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself

As I was looking at the article for 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself, I found the follow up article, 30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself.

1. Start spending time with the right people. – These are the people you enjoy, who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways.  They are the ones who make you feel more alive, and not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be, unconditionally.
2. Start facing your problems head on. – It isn’t your problems that define you, but how you react to them and recover from them.  Problems will not disappear unless you take action.  Do what you can, when you can, and acknowledge what you’ve done.  It’s all about taking baby steps in the right direction, inch by inch.  These inches count, they add up to yards and miles in the long run.
3. Start being honest with yourself about everything. – Be honest about what’s right, as well as what needs to be changed.  Be honest about what you want to achieve and who you want to become.  Be honest with every aspect of your life, always.  Because you are the one person you can forever count on.  Search your soul, for the truth, so that you truly know who you are.  Once you do, you’ll have a better understanding of where you are now and how you got here, and you’ll be better equipped to identify where you want to go and how to get there.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Start making your own happiness a priority. – Your needs matter.  If you don’t value yourself, look out for yourself, and stick up for yourself, you’re sabotaging yourself.  Remember, it IS possible to take care of your own needs while simultaneously caring for those around you.  And once your needs are met, you will likely be far more capable of helping those who need you most.
5. Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are.  Be yourself.  Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else.  Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms.  Above all, be true to YOU, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.
6. Start noticing and living in the present. – Right now is a miracle.  Right now is the only moment guaranteed to you.  Right now is life.  So stop thinking about how great things will be in the future.  Stop dwelling on what did or didn’t happen in the past.  Learn to be in the ‘here and now’ and experience life as it’s happening.  Appreciate the world for the beauty that it holds, right now.
7. Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. – Mistakes are okay; they’re the stepping stones of progress.  If you’re not failing from time to time, you’re not trying hard enough and you’re not learning.  Take risks, stumble, fall, and then get up and try again.  Appreciate that you are pushing yourself, learning, growing and improving.  Significant achievements are almost invariably realized at the end of a long road of failures.  One of the ‘mistakes’ you fear might just be the link to your greatest achievement yet.
8. Start being more polite to yourself. – If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?  The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.  You must love who you are or no one else will.
9. Start enjoying the things you already have. – The problem with many of us is that we think we’ll be happy when we reach a certain level in life – a level we see others operating at – your boss with her corner office, that friend of a friend who owns a mansion on the beach, etc.  Unfortunately, it takes awhile before you get there, and when you get there you’ll likely have a new destination in mind.  You’ll end up spending your whole life working toward something new without ever stopping to enjoy the things you have now.  So take a quiet moment every morning when you first awake to appreciate where you are and what you already have.
10. Start creating your own happiness. – If you are waiting for someone else to make you happy, you’re missing out.  Smile because you can.  Choose happiness.  Be the change you want to see in the world.  Be happy with who you are now, and let your positivity inspire your journey into tomorrow.  Happiness is often found when and where you decide to seek it.  If you look for happiness within the opportunities you have, you will eventually find it.  But if you constantly look for something else, unfortunately, you’ll find that too.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Start giving your ideas and dreams a chance. – In life, it’s rarely about getting a chance; it’s about taking a chance.  You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work.  Most of the time you just have to go for it!  And no matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should be.  Either you succeed or you learn something.  Win-Win.
12. Start believing that you’re ready for the next step. – You are ready!  Think about it.  You have everything you need right now to take the next small, realistic step forward.  So embrace the opportunities that come your way, and accept the challenges – they’re gifts that will help you to grow.
13. Start entering new relationships for the right reasons. – Enter new relationships with dependable, honest people who reflect the person you are and the person you want to be.  Choose friends you are proud to know, people you admire, who show you love and respect – people who reciprocate your kindness and commitment.  And pay attention to what people do, because a person’s actions are much more important than their words or how others represent them.
14. Start giving new people you meet a chance. – It sounds harsh, but you cannot keep every friend you’ve ever made.  People and priorities change.  As some relationships fade others will grow.  Appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work.  Trust your judgment.  Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory.  Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.
15. Start competing against an earlier version of yourself. – Be inspired by others, appreciate others, learn from others, but know that competing against them is a waste of time.  You are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself.  You are competing to be the best you can be.  Aim to break your own personal records.
16. Start cheering for other people’s victories. – Start noticing what you like about others and tell them.  Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places.  So be happy for those who are making progress.  Cheer for their victories.  Be thankful for their blessings, openly.  What goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you.
17. Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations. – When things are hard, and you feel down, take a few deep breaths and look for the silver lining – the small glimmers of hope.  Remind yourself that you can and will grow stronger from these hard times.  And remain conscious of your blessings and victories – all the things in your life that are right.  Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t.
18. Start forgiving yourself and others. – We’ve all been hurt by our own decisions and by others.  And while the pain of these experiences is normal, sometimes it lingers for too long.  We relive the pain over and over and have a hard time letting go.  Forgiveness is the remedy.  It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened.  It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.
19. Start helping those around you. – Care about people.  Guide them if you know a better way.  The more you help others, the more they will want to help you.  Love and kindness begets love and kindness.  And so on and so forth.
20. Start listening to your own inner voice. – If it helps, discuss your ideas with those closest to you, but give yourself enough room to follow your own intuition.  Be true to yourself.  Say what you need to say.  Do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks. – Slow down.  Breathe.  Give yourself permission to pause, regroup and move forward with clarity and purpose.  When you’re at your busiest, a brief recess can rejuvenate your mind and increase your productivity.  These short breaks will help you regain your sanity and reflect on your recent actions so you can be sure they’re in line with your goals.
22. Start noticing the beauty of small moments. – Instead of waiting for the big things to happen – marriage, kids, big promotion, winning the lottery – find happiness in the small things that happen every day.  Little things like having a quiet cup of coffee in the early morning, or the delicious taste and smell of a homemade meal, or the pleasure of sharing something you enjoy with someone else, or holding hands with your partner.  Noticing these small pleasures on a daily basis makes a big difference in the quality of your life.
23. Start accepting things when they are less than perfect. – Remember, ‘perfect’ is the enemy of ‘good.’  One of the biggest challenges for people who want to improve themselves and improve the world is learning to accept things as they are.  Sometimes it’s better to accept and appreciate the world as it is, and people as they are, rather than to trying to make everything and everyone conform to an impossible ideal.  No, you shouldn’t accept a life of mediocrity, but learn to love and value things when they are less than perfect.
24. Start working toward your goals every single day. – Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.  Whatever it is you dream about, start taking small, logical steps every day to make it happen.  Get out there and DO something!  The harder you work the luckier you will become.  While many of us decide at some point during the course of our lives that we want to answer our calling, only an astute few of us actually work on it.  By ‘working on it,’ I mean consistently devoting oneself to the end result.  Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
25. Start being more open about how you feel. – If you’re hurting, give yourself the necessary space and time to hurt, but be open about it.  Talk to those closest to you.  Tell them the truth about how you feel.  Let them listen.  The simple act of getting things off your chest and into the open is your first step toward feeling good again.
26. Start taking full accountability for your own life. – Own your choices and mistakes, and be willing to take the necessary steps to improve upon them.  Either you take accountability for your life or someone else will.  And when they do, you’ll become a slave to their ideas and dreams instead of a pioneer of your own.  You are the only one who can directly control the outcome of your life.  And no, it won’t always be easy.  Every person has a stack of obstacles in front of them.  But you must take accountability for your situation and overcome these obstacles.  Choosing not to is choosing a lifetime of mere existence.
27. Start actively nurturing your most important relationships. – Bring real, honest joy into your life and the lives of those you love by simply telling them how much they mean to you on a regular basis.  You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people.  Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty.  Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of.
28. Start concentrating on the things you can control. – You can’t change everything, but you can always change something.  Wasting your time, talent and emotional energy on things that are beyond your control is a recipe for frustration, misery and stagnation.  Invest your energy in the things you can control, and act on them now.
29. Start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes. – The mind must believe it CAN do something before it is capable of actually doing it.  The way to overcome negative thoughts and destructive emotions is to develop opposing, positive emotions that are stronger and more powerful.  Listen to your self-talk and replace negative thoughts with positive ones.  Regardless of how a situation seems, focus on what you DO WANT to happen, and then take the next positive step forward.  No, you can’t control everything that happens to you, but you can control how you react to things.  Everyone’s life has positive and negative aspects – whether or not you’re happy and successful in the long run depends greatly on which aspects you focus on.  Read The How of Happiness.
30. Start noticing how wealthy you are right now. – Henry David Thoreau once said, “Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.”  Even when times are tough, it’s always important to keep things in perspective.  You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night.  You didn’t go to sleep outside.  You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning.  You hardly broke a sweat today.  You didn’t spend a minute in fear.  You have access to clean drinking water.  You have access to medical care.  You have access to the Internet.  You can read.  Some might say you are incredibly wealthy, so remember to be grateful for all the things you do have.

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

A visited with a friend on Friday. She told me about how a friend sent her an article that really changed her life.  She forwarded it to me. 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back. Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Bullies

I had a very long conversation last night with one of my dearest friends.  In this conversation she told me about the anti-bullying campaign coming up in her child's school and how she is working hard to make it successful for all the children.

She then revealed to me that through this campaign she realizes that an experience she had last year was a form of bullying.  She is really scarred more than she ever knew and that she feels the need to confront her bully in order to move on.

This was an eye opening conversation to me because I went through this experience with her, and I am still experiencing the behavior.  I have put a lot of names on this situaion and I may have said the word bullying too, but I have never sat down and just thought about what that means to me long term.

Whereas I do not believe I will have long term scars from what is happening, I once again have to wonder when I will reach my breaking point.

It really was a powerful conversation, one I am sure we will be revisiting soon as she works through how she will start to heal her scars. 

Better, but Weak

My throat is really feeling better, but my lungs are definitely weak. 

If I talk for just a few minutes, I cough for ten minutes.  Walking around the store tonight wore me completely out.  I will be glad when my lungs heal.

I Had a Wonderful Evening

My boys are home for just a few more days.  

During the break I have seen my oldest some, but not as much as I had hoped.  He has spent a lot of time with his girlfriend.  

This morning when I left for work I told the boys to prepare a grocery list and then we would shop tonight and fix dinner.  When I came home they had prepared a small list of really no food. I asked the oldest what we were supposed to eat this week and that is when he informed me he was going to spend several days with his girlfriend and therefore did not want to fill the house with food that would go to waste.  I was a little disappointed, but okay.

We decided we would have a spaghetti dinner tonight when we came home from the store.  

Usually when I shop I do my very best to avoid having to talk to people I know, but tonight it was inevitable.  When we walked into the grocery, we ran right into an old friend that was also one of my youngest's teachers, no choice but to carry on a conversation.  After a few minutes we went about our shopping.  We were getting ready to check out when I noticed the stuffed animal display for Valentine's Day.  I had to go look for the ones that play music and was just beginning to have fun playing them when I felt a tap on my shoulder.  It was an acquaintance that I always do my best to avoidr.  My boys even take tactics to avoid her.  No choice but to speak.  The boys, who had been staying away from me because they are embarrassed by how I love to make all the animals play music saw what had happened and were kind enough to come running to my rescue.  We went on to check out.

As we were coming home, the boys were commenting on my bad luck tonight. The youngest said he was pretty sure I had avoided the acquaintance during at least six previous visits.  Then he said that when he moved out and had to shop on his own, he was going to treat the grocery like a war zone and be very stealth in his movements.  Cracked me up.

We put groceries away, cooked together, had a nice leisurely dinner with lots of great conversation and then we put the food away and the did the dishes.  

The boys then had a friend over and I have spent the evening rejoicing in their laughter while IM'ing with a dear friend back in KY.  

A truly wonderful evening, but the best part was when about an hour after dinner my oldest came in just to tell me he loved me very much.  

I truly am blessed.

I Need Water!

I made a huge mistake last year when I did not take a real vacation and go to the water like I usually do each year.    

I need to spend time on the water every year, it helps my soul.

This year the Alaskan cruise will count as my water time.  A different type of water adventure to be sure, but it will go a long way to curing what is ailing me right now.

Strep Throat, etc.

I went to work feeling fine on Wednesday morning.  Played in the snow fort with some of the preschooolers, made great head way on my project, then wham, I could not get warm.  I had the space heater on 80 and was still freezing.  I finished out the day, came home and put on my pjs and robe, but still could not get warm even with the space heater right in front of me.  

We had our Wed. night pizza with Loni, and we watched some shows.  I really don't remember what we watched.  Loni left, and I continued to sit freezing on the couch. Around 11:00 P.M. I decided to take my temperature.  102.  Oh, I was sick.  OK.

After a night of chills, followed by sweats, I got up and went to work because I wanted to finish out my work week and then go home to bed.  The girls at work convinced me I had to go to the dr.   I made an appointment with Happy my favorite PA in the whole world and in I went.  

I told my symptoms to the nurse Tina and she said strep throat. She said that on their side of the office alone that day they had diagnosed six cases and I had all the classic symptoms.  Tina took a swab and then told me to wait for Happy.

Happy came in and immediately asked about my purse.  She remembered my love of green.  I explained that this was one of my winter green purses.  She then asked me where my Kindle was.  I told her I didn't have it with me.  She did her exam and then had me lay back on the table. That is when she noticed my shoes.  (No they were not green.)  She asked me where I got them, and then proceeded to straighten the tongue out on both shoes because she said she was OCD that way.  Cracked me up.  I just love Happy.  She is like going to see family.

Strep test positive.  Reactive lower airway which she wasn't too happy about.  Albuterol, Antibiotics, 24 hours in bed.  Told me to start on a new toothbrush the next morning.  Told me to keep coughing because she was worried about pneumonia.

I went and finished my work with the help of my youngest and now I am on my 24 hour rest period.  To tell you the truth I don't have enough energy to do anything but rest.

At least this year I got sick when the boys were still here and before Loni and Mina left for Hawaii.  Last year was really horrible because I was alone and just had to call on people to leave stuff outside my door.

The boys are doing a good job taking care of me.

Getting Past the What Ifs

It is a New Year and time for me to think about what I might want to do with my life in 2012. 

Due to some recent conversations with an old friend, I have decided I need to try to get past the "What Ifs" that run through my mind all the time.  I sometimes get very obsessed with these thoughts and I think they keep me from moving forward.  

 

I need to learn to move forward,  

Since I am someone that obsesses over things and then analyzes them over and over again, I may not be able to get past some "What Ifs," but I also know that it is not healthy to obsess over things that cannot be changed.

New Year's Scarf

In 2010, Loni spent New Year's Eve with me and knitted me a new scarf while we watched television. 

In 2011, Loni spent New Year's Eve with me and knitted me a new scarf while we watched television.  

I like this new tradition!

I have snapped picture after picture of my new scarf, and none of them do it justice.  I just love it!  Loni always finds interesting textures and fibers for me that will not cause me to break out in a rash.  This scarf is very toasty and will be great in my office which tends to be very cold.

Loni Original for Mama C, New Year's Eve 2011

Now It Has Gone Too Far!

Last night was the last of the big gathering of boys at my house for this round of the Army Boy being home. One of the boys brought his girlfriend and she and I spent a lovely evening together while all the guys set up and played Twilight Imperium.  My oldest arrived home just as the game was about to begin in the Man Cave and came into the living room to give me a hug.

I have always been able to tell the difference in my sons' hugs to me.  The hug my oldest gave me last night was a hug of "not all is right."  I took his shoulders and pushed him back to give him a long look and asked him what was wrong.  He said "Nothing," then proceeded to hug me with the I am "really upset hug."  I let it go because he had a houseful of friends and I did not want to embarrass him. 

The bulk of the boys and the girlfriend left a little after midnight.  I went in to see what was going on and I could tell as soon as my oldest looked at me that he was messed up about something.  As I turned to leave the room he hugged me again and then asked if I wanted him to stay home from work today.

Light bulb moment! I asked him if the family friend that had upset my youngest earlier in the day (see post entitled "Someone REALLY Overstepped) had contacted him and he said yes.  I explained to my oldest that I was just fine but that the family friend was wrong and had overstepped in his relationship..  That started the youngest off about how mad he was that this man said what he did to him. 

I was so mad!  I hate it when my kids are upset. I told my kids that this man was concerned but not really knowing me etc., he overreacted but that I was in front of them and they could see I was fine and to ignore it and just consider the source. 

The boys went on to play a new game, but I was still really irritated that someone had upset my kids on a day when I really needed to be taking care of myself.  I waited about an hour and then I sent a message to the source of all my anger.  My youngest just happened to be walking into the room when I started the message and when he looked at my monitor and saw the name he said "Oh, oh, someone is in trouble now."  Cracked me up.

I have not heard from the offender, but I am sure he meant well, but you just don't mess with my kids.

I spent some time with both of them this morning.  They both went off in their different directions laughing and they seem to be assured I am fine.

My oldest did not say what was said to him, but it was sweet that he offered to stay with me today.

Mama Bear's claws are still out and ready to strike.

January 2, 1982

30 Years Ago Today

Someone REALLY Overstepped

A friend of the family that became that way through Raymond really overstepped today and I am furious. 

I understand that this person has been concerned for me the last couple of days, especially after a conversation we had yesterday in which I was quite upset.  I truly thought it was nice of him to check on me today to see how I was feeling.

Today after our conversation, he asked to speak to my youngest.  Now other than comments on FaceBook, my youngest does not really know this person, my oldest is the one with the connection.  I heard my youngest say I will get a pen and then he walked into the other room. The conversation was probably less than two minutes and then my youngest hung up the phone.  I really wasn't paying that much attention.  I thought it was a "Happy New Year" call.

It was just  a few seconds before my youngest was in telling me that he was not supposed to share the conversation with me, but that the family friend was concerned about me and wanted my youngest to call him back with a report of how I was doing.

Of course my youngest had no idea what the whole thing was about because I do not overly concern my children with things that they have no control over and cannot take care of in any way.  I am very careful to not worry them excessively.

I then had to explain to my youngest that this friend was just concerned because that this is a hard time of year for me with my anniversary, etc.   I also explained that it was sad for me but that nothing else was going on in my life that would cause concern.  I also told him that this person had no right to ask him to keep the conversation from me.

That conversation was not something I needed to have with my youngest.  I am sure that a lot of people think I am overreacting, but I know my children better than anyone.  My youngest felt very uncomfortable with the conversation with the friend, and told me that if the request was ever made to talk to him again to just say he wasn't home. 

I have spent most of the afternoon restraining my desire to call up and let this person know just want I think of their actions, but I need to make sure that I can do it in a way that this person will understand and not think it is just because I have been "upset."  

My Mama Bear claws are out though, and I am not afraid to use them.

Happy New Year!

2012 is here. A New Year, and time to look back and reflect and then move forward.

I am having a lot of trouble with the looking back part right now.  Tomorrow would have been my 30th anniversary.  Jan. 2 is always hard on me, but this year it is even harder.  

Dreams I had in the past of course cannot come true.  Regrets and doubts regarding decisions made have formed a large lump in my chest and are making it hard to get a good breath.  

Some hopes I had for the future have changed, and I need to work through the knowledge that some things will just never ever be possible.  

Time to make new dreams and push through all the things from the past.  All of that easier said than done. 

I wish I wasn't a person of what ifs.  

I know the new year will bring some amazing things into my life, just as 2011 did, and I will do my best to welcome each new challenge and change.