I’m sobbing as I write this. I was watching a story on “The View”
about Kate Atwood, an inspirational woman who lost her mom to cancer when she was just a child, but has turned her loss into a healing place called "Kate's Club", a non-profit organization that helps children cope with the death of a loved one by creating friendships between those who share the same experiences. For more information, visit katesclub.org.
This story brought on a major panic attack about my boys. I truly have no idea how they are dealing with the death of their father. My oldest, Ha, was 9, and my youngest, Hu, was 5, when their dad was diagnosed with cancer. We never lied to the boys about their father and his condition. They have been present while their father screamed in pain, puked his guts out hour after hour from the chemotherapy treatments, and have helped me time after time rush their dad to the car to go to the emergency room. They were there when he came home from his last trip to the emergency room only to enter hospice care here at home. They were there when he drew his last breath. They both say they are fine and do not want counseling. But are they? How will this affect them for years to come?
I can understand their reluctance to go to counseling. They have had enough of that forced upon them from outside sources over the years. Especially when they were young and I took my husband to M. D. Anderson for a year for cancer treatments and left them here in the care of my mother. I am sure that many of these people were well-meaning, but most of the time they just scared our boys.
At M.D. Anderson my husband and I were taught how to deal with explaining to our children what was happening to their father, and most importantly how being honest with them would be the best thing for them in the long run. We took that as gospel and made sure (with a couple of exceptions that were impossible to avoid) that whenever we had news to tell, good or bad, they were the first ones to hear it from us. We did not want them to hear it from anyone else because we didn’t want them to think we were hiding anything from them. The few times that was impossible, we made sure to apologize to them for not following policy.
After watching the story on “Kate’s Club” I had this overwhelming fear that my boys were suffering in ways that I cannot imagine. I have no reason to really believe this, but it was so important to my husband that his death not destroy their lives, and I am so afraid I will screw that up somehow. It takes my breath away, makes my heart pound, and tears flow to the point I am sick to my stomach.
How funny life is, as I’m pouring my fears out on this page my oldest calls laughing and carrying on with his friends asking me if I know anything about old typewriters.
My breath is coming back. Maybe they will be okay. The last counselor (one we chose) my oldest saw said he was well grounded and not to worry. We did not go back after my husband died, but my son carries his card and promises he will call him if he needs him. My youngest seems to be doing fine, and begs me not to make him go to a counselor. I will continue to keep a close eye on them, and stay in contact with their teachers and others in close contact with my boys to make sure I am not missing any signs of distress.
Yes, their lives will never be the same, but hopefully they will not allow the death of their father to be the only defining moment in their lives.
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