Homework #4

I read some positive affirmation cards.

I have tried these before. I'm not sure they really help me. My brain will not let me be that kind to myself. The whole time I am reading them I am thinking "I'm not worthy."

Homework #3

Stopped at the new Allen Farmer's Market and bought some fresh fruit. Just smelling the fruit in there makes me feel healthier.

Ordered a PuzzleBuddy because I haven't been able to work on any puzzles since my mom moved in. Working on puzzles helps with my stress levels.

Small things, but steps in the right direction.

Homework #2

My positive for today was that I took a nap.

I came home from work and was really tired. I looked at what needed to be done around the house and started for the junk food to help me get the energy (fallacy I know) to start on the work, but stopped myself, sat down and took a 30 minute nap. Feel better, kept out of the junk food, and now plan to get some work done.

Homework #1

I have homework for TOPS this week.

My homework assignment is to write something positive I have done for myself or about myself five times during the week. This is #1.

I have been extremely stressed lately. A lot of it is from pressure I put on myself. I have always been very hard on myself.

The stress has been so bad lately that I actually broke a tooth from gritting my teeth during a meeting. I have had knots in my shoulder, and I feel like I my nerves are exposed.

Tonight I was working on several projects at once that were all for other people. I have about 25 emails that need attention, and I feel as if I could scream for hours. So what did I do?

I put my computer away, took out my quilt and starting quilting. I could feel the stress going out of my shoulder and I stopped thinking about all the other projects and the emails.

That was very difficult for me, but it was definitely a positive step for my own benefit.

I Am Not Proud

I am not proud of myself today.

One of my best friends is making funeral arrangements for her mother, and I am arguing with mine.

I have been trying to hard to adjust to having Mom here and tying to adjust to her current mental status and our daily life. Today I just wasn’t able to adjust.

OK, I do not have a model home. I don’t mind if the floor isn’t swept but once a week. I don’t mind if things get a little dusty. In fact, since I have had children, I have learned to live with a lot of things I would not have put up with BK (before kids). The one place I have never been able to compromise is my kitchen sink, counters, cooking and eating utensils, dishes, pots and pans, etc. I have very strict standards when it comes to those areas. I am terrified of getting food poisoning in my own home.

The one area of my home that my mother is able to still feel useful is in my kitchen. She can load the dishwasher, wash the pots and pans, and unload the dishwasher. Unfortunately, she has good memory days and bad ones. On the bad ones it is hard for me to deal with her in my kitchen.

I have learned to deal with the knives, forks, and spoons being in the wrong drawers as to their pattern. I have learned to deal with the fact that she can’t remember that there are 5 drawers in the kitchen and sometimes puts everything in one drawer and I can’t get the drawer open. I have learned to be very careful reaching in the drawers because she puts my very sharp knives in there instead of my knife block. I have made lots of adjustments.

However, today Mom wanted to wash the pots and pans along with the Tupperware items after lunch. No problem. We have done that together ever since she moved in. I put the big pot in the sink and filled it with hot water and soap to start soaking while gathering everything else together. I told Mom to wash the pot first and then we would start on the plastic items. The pot was the dirtiest. I turned around to clean the stovetop and when I looked back at Mom she was washing the plastic stuff in the soapy water in the dirty pot. I explained to her that she couldn’t do that and why, moved the plastic stuff over, started her on the pot and went back to the stove. When I turned around again, she was once again washing the plastic in the dirty water. This happened three times. The last time I corrected her she accused me of not telling her what to do. Well, I am ashamed to say I started yelling. I wasn’t screaming, but I was yelling.

I have this irrational theory that if I yell she will understand. It is the same as yelling at a deaf person thinking that they will understand you if you yell.

As if I yelling at her wasn’t enough to make me feel like I was equal to the devil, when I came home from afternoon errands, I came home to find oven racks that look better than when I bought the oven. The youngest had burned some pizza cheese onto two of the racks and I had asked Mom if she wanted to use a SOS pad to try to clean the rack or if she wanted me to do it. She said she would do it while I was gone. It turns out that she spent almost 2 hours cleaning the racks. I couldn’t believe it. There were only a couple of places with stuck on cheese, but she cleaned every spot off of each rack. I felt horrible because if I had been here I would have never allowed her to stand on her feet that long, or work that hard.

No, I am not proud.

Bright Spot

I have real issues with sleeping. The last week or so has been particularly brutal. I have been averaging around 3.5 hours of sleep a night, and most of that is very fitful. Due to these sleep issues, I am often sitting up in my chair in the living room at night until long after others have gone to bed. When I do go to bed, I have to leave on the living room lights until I can open the bi-fold door that separates the living area from the bedroom area and use the light from the living room to see to get to my room and turn on another light, then it is back to the living room to turn off that lamp.

My youngest has started turning on my bedside lamp at night so I won't have to return to the living room to turn off the lights.

The simple turning on of that lamp is a wonderful bright spot in my day. Seeing that light from that lamp as I open the bi-fold door warms my heart and makes me smile.

That lamp light let me know I am cared for.

Being a Human, Human Being

Today I feel like I am being punished because I am a human being with real problems, just like all other human beings.

I am not in a good place. Too many people depending on me. Too many people that want me to take care of them. Too many people not understanding that I can only do so much. I am not mentally or physically up to it right now.

Too much guilt when I am not able to do meet all the needs of others.