The Lettuce Violet

I currently have four African Violets in the house.  Two of them are Loni's and two are mine.  

One of mine is really blooming right now.  It is a strange African Violet, Loni always says it looks like lettuce.  It does have huge leaves. All I know is I enjoy talking to it and watching it bloom.

I am Getting Stronger

 Kelly Clarkson's song "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) doesn't entirely pertain to me, but this part does.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking 'bout me"

Thanks to the big "kick in the ass" I got early this week, I do feel like I am getting stronger, and I have started "thinking 'bout me."

I have been on a huge emotional roller coaster since New Year's Eve, 2011, but I think things are starting to turn around.  I know there are going to be more dips and highs, but I believe I won't scream and cry through them now.

Thank you dear friend for "kicking" me.  I know I did not appreciate it the other night, just like I never appreciated it all those years ago, but you are right I needed it.  You may have to kick me some more down the road, but I know you are up to it. I also know there will be times when you will enjoy it just a little too much, I'll try not to take offense.

As you tell me  "I Know, You Know."

 Kelly Clarkson - Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)

Great Day

Today has been a great day!

I woke up after 9 1/2 hours of excellent sleep, yes I had to use some medication to get it but the insomnia cycle had to be broken. Truthfully, I could have slept another 3 hours, but I had to get the youngest up and out of the house for his haircut.  

While the youngest was gone I cleaned out my medicine cabinet of old drugs.  I also made sure I had plenty of my medications to take to Alaska.

Once the youngest was back from his haircut (where for some reason they thought he wanted to look like Justin Beiber) he and I started working on the backyard of the oasis.  We gathered up 3 bags of trash because Mama was on a decluttering kick, pulled weeds, and washed down patios.  Once Bryan does his second mowing of the year it is going to look really great out there.  I also spent some time on the porch swing visiting with some friends that stopped by to store things in my barn.

The afternoon was spent washing dirt, bugs and tree seeds out of my hair, and doing laundry. 

We invited Loni to have dinner with us and I made spaghetti.  After dinner Loni went home to do her own thing, and the youngest left to go to a friend's new apartment for the evening.  I imagine that will be a regular occurrence now that two friends are sharing an apartment. The apartment will probably be the new gathering spot over Mama's.  

I spent some time on the porch swing before the bugs just started eating me up. I didn't feel like getting out the candles and stuff tonight.

Yes it was a great day.  

 

I Think I Have It

Each year on my birthday I pick a theme for the upcoming year. 

I have been thinking about this year's since November.  I have changed it in my mind a zillion times.  This morning I think I have it.  

I spent a good portion of yesterday being mad at one of my oldest, dearest friends over something he said to me the night before.  I told Loni part of what he told me and she said he hadn't said anything my other friends didn't know but just hadn't said.  Well, she was partially correct, but he said things others can't say to me because they don't know all the things about me he does.

He has made me mad a lot lately because he has really been as he says "harping" at me.  I know he is right in what he is saying, it is just that it hits something buried so deep that it hurts my entire being. It doesn't help that he grabs onto it and pulls.  He is determined to "break the bubble."  I know it is because he cares.  I know it is because he wants to see me happy before he leaves this earth, and he knows I am not the kind of happy I could be.  I also know he will be a "pain in my ass" until I start dealing with some things.  He says "it has been long enough."

So now that I think I have my theme, I am going to chew on it for the next 20 days to see if it needs any tweaking, and just what steps I need to take to work within the theme.

 

Running on Empty

Finally fell asleep a little after 4:00 A.M., up before 8:00 A.M. to meet with a repairman.

Have been cleaning house and doing laundry this morning, now I am getting ready to run errands.

Pretty much running on empty.

Sleeping Better

I have had two nights of fairly deep sleep by sleeping on the couch.  Even though I am still only getting between 4-5 hours, I can tell it is a much more restful sleep and that I am feeling better.

The only reason I can think this location is working out better is that it is much cooler and I can sleep with the door open when I need more air.  My bedroom tends to get stuffy at night, and I don't like to sleep with my bedroom window open as my neighbors' security light shines directly into my bedroom.  

Of course there is no sleeping late when you are on the couch.  The birds wake you up very early.  

I do believe I know what is nearly emptying the turtle pond each night.  Coyotes. 

 

So the couch is the new bed until I get to the point where I cannot manage without turning on the a/c, then it is back to the bedroom.  

 

 

Is it Better?

Is it better to know you are loved by one you love, if life means you cannot ever be with that person?

Or is it better to go through life wondering if that love was ever really there, or just a figment of your imagination?

My first thought on this was, it is better to know and not wonder.  

Now my thought on this subject is that knowing makes it much harder to move on.  If you are just wondering, then you can go about your life and just think about it once in a while. 

Knowing ... well it can break your heart into pieces every day in so many ways. 

I keep telling myself it won't kill me, it will just make me stronger.  Maybe I'll believe that some day.  

 

Great Treat!

I had a wonderful morning at work. 

I very seldom see anything but women at work, and the men I do see are more like fathers or brothers to me.  This morning I arrived at work to find a very handsome man waiting on me to turn on my computer to download a document for print, since no one could figure out how to receive a fax before I arrived.  

It is a rare thing for me to really be attracted to a man because I am very specific in my type, but this man pretty much met every standard, except for the fact he was too young and married. So this was a great treat!

He was a super nice man and we had a lot in common so I really enjoyed our conversation.  We spent about 30 minutes together on and off and it really made my day brighter.

One of my work mates noticed that he and I were bonding right away and was quick to find out if she needed to come in and talk me up. I set her straight about him being married (I could have dealt with the age difference), but told her to be on the lookout for one similar in a little older model.  

Very Proud Mama

I am a very proud Mama tonight.  

All of my college children are doing very well. 

Loni has gone back for her Master's and is acing her homework assignments as in receiving 100, and 100 this week.  

My youngest is doing very well in a challenging semester.  

My oldest was involved in developing a Facebook app called EnemyGraph that is getting great attention. It has been mentioned in a podcast on the BCC and today was a feature on cnn.com.  Granted he was not the principle developer, that was a grad student, but there were only three people involved, and he was the undergrad.  It is exciting that this app is getting so much attention and this is a group that my oldest will continue to work with as he enters graduate school next semester.

Yep, a very proud Mama.

Wrong Sounds at the Oasis

Mama is not a happy camper at the oasis this morning.  It is too loud with the wrong sounds!

There is a construction site that is several acres and one 2 lane road away from me that started up around 7:00 A.M. and it is driving me crazy.  That back up beeping sound that large machines make has been pretty much constant.  Then there is just that rumbling sound that the big machines make.  No, Mama is not happy.  I cannot hear my birds!

Now I will go to work and not only hear this site all day, but the are drilling a well on the land next to my work place and there is a constant hum going on all day.  

The well should be completed in the next couple of weeks if we don't get another four inches of rain in just a few hours.  The construction site is estimated to go on for about a year.  It is a middle school.  I am hoping the sounds from that building site will diminish once they actually get the building framed.

New Hat from Mina - Goes with the Hair!

I went out looking for a new hat Friday, but the only one I liked clashed with my hair.  

Mina surprised me with a new hat on Saturday, well actually Mina has trouble keeping surprises like that, so I knew I was getting a hat, just not what it looked like.  

This one looks great with my hair!

Spring Fever

I always get Spring Fever.  Once there is a hint of warmer weather, longer hours of daylight, and signs of green I am a goner.

It was hard to be at work today when it was so pretty and I could sense the sunshine just waiting on me.  

Once I arrived home it was an hour on the porch swing finishing a book I started yesterday.

After the swing it was inside to do a little bit of Spring cleaning and then my taped Monday night shows. I pretty much have to watch "The Voice" and "Dancing with the Stars" on tape so I can fast forward through the performances that I don't like.  

I then spent another 20 minutes on the swing with Fleetwood Mac playing in the background.  I love sitting out there in the dark with only the solar lights changing colors to keep my company. 

I am already dreading being inside tomorrow. 

Peaceful Weekend

This was a peaceful weekend.  

Friday I ran errands in the morning, visited with a friend in the afternoon, received phone calls from friends near and far, and then worked on laundry and some house chores in the evening.  

Saturday brought a visits from Mina and Lisa in the morning, and then it was a lazy day with my youngest. We watched more episodes of Doc Martin and talked.  We did a few outside chores, including putting my porch swing back up after the storm earlier in the week took it off the patio and into a heap in the mud.  In the early evening we picked up Loni to run some errands and had dinner.   The youngest had a friend over in the evening, while I watched television.

Today was pancake family breakfast with the youngest and Loni so I could try out my new pancake turner.  After breakfast we all visited for a while before Loni went home to work on her homework.  The youngest and I took a walk in our field to see what was going on around the property this Spring. Once inside we finished watching season 4 of Doc Martin.  The rest of the day and evening was just spent goofing off either together or doing our own thing.  

I've noticed it is getting harder and harder to get the youngest to leave on Sundays. I am glad he enjoys being at home.  Of course, I was the same way when I was in college. I hated going back to the dorm after a nice weekend of the comforts of home.

I feel relaxed enough to hit the week running.  We are going into one of our busiest times at work and a lot of it will fall on my shoulders, so I am glad for the nice rest.  

 

Channeling

It seems I have been channeling Mina lately.  Her hot flashes have become my hot flashes in the middle of the night.  Not cool since I have been over mine for years.  

Today I channeled her blonde moments, which even she admits she has once in a while.  Here are just a few of the highlights! (LOL)

• This morning I forgot my member bank account number.  A number I have had for over 30 years!  Took me 20 minutes of hunting before I realized I could get it off my online statements.  (It is a different account number than the one on my checks.)
• I could not find my jeans this morning, even though I remembered washing them and putting them away earlier in the week.  All I had on the shelf were the old ones that I have trouble keeping up these days.  I looked in the hamper and saw a couple of the new pair, but I could not figure out what happened to the others. Then later this afternoon I opened the dryer while doing other laundry and there were the two pair of jeans I had been looking for earlier.
• The number one thing I had to do today was go to the bank.  I planned my errand route so that I would go north, then come south and hit everything in a very nice organized manner.  Kohls to use my $10 cash, JCP to look for some things for Alaska, Target to get air filters, tp, and other essentials, bank, and then home.  Left Target and told myself to go to the bank, then turned the opposite way of the bank.  Was singing and having a good time in the car and not thinking about the bank at all, in fact I was thinking about a Sonic fish sandwich, when I realized I needed to turn around and go back to the bank.  Thank goodness I remembered.  I was only a little bit out off my route.
• I put in a load of laundry that never goes in the dryer.  Washer beeped, I went in and put everything in the dryer and walked away.  Fortunately I had to go back in the laundry room after about 10 minutes and I wondered why the dryer was running.  I was able to get everything out and hung up without consequences.

Mina, I'll take the hot flashes, but you can keep the blonde moments!

I Want My Protective Coating Back

Lately my brain has been on overdrive trying to figure out how to take the next step forward.  So far the only thing I have managed to do is cry a lot of tears.

I feel like a M&M that has lost its protective coating.  Now I am just waiting to melt.

An old friend asked me a question the other day and I answered him with my standard "I am fine with how things are in my life."  He made this familiar sound in his throat from years ago and said "Sure you are. Are you forgetting I know you like I know that back of my hand? Do you think I am going to let you get away with that answer?"  

He was right.  I am not fine with how things are, but things cannot be the way I want them to be, so now I have to figure out what else my life could be. 

When you have believed something for over half your life, and that is taken away from you, it is hard to just pick yourself back up. 

I think I was much happier in my hard shell.

Good News

Good news today! My Kentucky friend does not have cancer. He has a torn muscle around his stomach.  It will need to be repaired eventually, but we are not worrying about that right now.  We are celebrating!

I Really Do Want to Sleep

Sleep issues have always hounded me since high school, and during the Spring Forward/Fall Back time change weeks my sleep issues worsen.

Since March 11 when we did the "Spring Forward" time change I have been doing good to get four hours of sleep.  Saturday night I managed with the help of a sleep aid to get 9 hours of sleep.  

Sunday, due to the end of Spring Break and spending as much time as possible with the boys, I only had four hours again, but I had been renewed by the 9 hours the day before.

Then came Monday.  Monday night was stormy, not severe here, but lots of rain, thunder and lightning.  The change in the atmosphere stirred up a lot of aches and pains, and then my mind went into overdrive.  I finally felt like I might be able to sleep around 3:30 a.m.  I went to bed and had just drifted off when the septic alarm went off.  The septic alarm sounds like a dentist took his drill, amplified it as high as it would go, and then started drilling in whichever ear is not next to the pillow.  

Once I hard that alarm, my eyes flew open and that was pretty much it for the night.  I finally turned the stereo on loud enough to cover up the alarm and managed about an hour before the alarm clock went off. 

 

I know from experience that I am in real danger of starting off a cycle that will be hard to break.  I need several nights of at least six hours of sleep to break the pattern.

I really do want to sleep.  I am just having trouble getting there.

If Tears

If tears could make you look younger, I would look like a newborn.  

My Heart is Heavy

My heart is heavy from some of the news I have received this week.

One of my high school friends that I have been conversing with every day had an MRI today.  He went for a check up last week and the doctor ordered an x-ray of his stomach.  That night the doctor called him at home and said they needed further tests immediately.  My friend called me to talk about it.  His entire family has died of cancer and he was freaked out.  We talked for a long time about his fears and how to handle the next step, which was getting the MRI. He had the MRI today and hopes to find out the results tomorrow.  I am hoping it is not cancer, but I am concerned about some of the things he has told me. This man is alone in life.  I hate that for him. It is difficult to get through any illness when you are alone, but I cannot imagine going through a potentially terminal illness with no support system. Of course I will be there for him, but I am 836 miles away.  

Another friend did not get good news from his recent visit to MD Anderson.  He goes to the same clinic Raymond was a patient in, so in my heart I have always known that some day the news would not be good, but I hate it for him. My prayers for him are continuous.

I have other friends suffering with health issues right now, but these are the two that are weighing my heart down tonight.  

Handy Men

My boys spent their last day of Spring Break being my handy men.  

I have had art lined up in my hallway for over a year that needed to be framed and hung.  I also had a couple of pieces in the living room to hang.

The boys spent several hours framing, hanging, vacuuming, and dusting for me Sunday. 

I am very happy with how everything looks.

Artscape/Dallas Blooms, 2012

Saturday, March 17, St. Patrick's Day, Loni, the boys and I went to Artscape and Dallas Blooms at the Dallas Arboretum. 

Even though Loni has lived in the Dallas area for a long time, she had never been to the Arboretum.  The boys and I have been a few times over the years.  The youngest and I have been to Artscape once before when a friend of ours was one of the artists.  

The first thing that I noticed as we entered the Arboretum was the "Small Houses of the Great Artists" as the Georgia O'Keeffe house was at the entrance.  All the Small Houses were wonderful but Vincent Van Gogh has a special place in my heart, so the Van Gogh Small House gave me a little chill.  The oldest was nice enough to get me a great picture of the bed.

 

As we walked through Artscape I made sure I said a quick "Hello" to Daryoush Ababaf.  His bird tiles enhance my bathroom. Gary Bachers was there with his new orchids collection, and I saw a couple of tree prints I loved, but I had not hung the last print of his I purchased. 

There were several artists whose work I had to tear myself away from and not purchase as I am out of wall space, and I need to budget for the big trip coming up.  I did treat myself to three pieces, and picked up a piece for the oldest.

My turtle piece from this show is by Mary DiStefano-Jarowitz.  I have purchased from her before for myself, Loni and Mina.  I really, really love this turtle.

Now my youngest does not understand the purchase I made for myself from Martin Pothier.  

 He just does not understand my heritage and the memories I have of going to my grandma's house and the late night trips to the outhouse.   My oldest chose a cool waterfall photo that he is going to hang in his bathroom.  (Yes, the entire family is a little odd.)

My last purchase was from Earthfire Greenware.  They were here from Lewisville, OH.  I saw this piece when I was walking by and it made my heart skip a little because I have to keep reminding myself lately to breathe.  I hung it over my sliding glass door even though it was small for the space.  I need to see it often. 

After going through Artscape we walked through the Arboretum and the oldest was nice enough to take some pictures for me.

Here are some of my favorites from the pictures he took with my little camera.

Oldest in front of the Mountain Laurel

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Youngest at Small House of Pablo Picasso

Mama C on path to Frog Pond

My favorite flower picture of the day.  It is a bit off, just like me!

When we left the Arboretum we went to Red Lobster for a nice leisurely lunch.  After lunch I took the boys to Lonestar Comics to spend their Spring Break gifts, and then I took Loni to the Woolie Ewe so she could find some yarn for one of her projects. 

It was a wonderful family day.  No one got sunburned.  No one was injured or had a strange allergy attack.

Mama went to bed very happy that night.

Spring Break 2012

Since we have the big trip to Alaska coming up, I was not able to take any days off during the boys Spring Break, but I enjoyed it very much.

It took a little getting used to having people back in the house full time, especially the sounds after I would go to bed, but once the initial impact was over it was fun.  

I will admit there were a couple of nights when the family wanted to smack the oldest, but after that everything was like old times.

Of course having the boys in the house also means having their friends in the casa, which always makes Mama happy.  

Unfortunately two of my favorite boys couldn't be here over Spring Break and I had to mourn them a little.  The one is in the army and the other couldn't make the trip home from Butler.  I have gotten used to the army boy being gone, but this would have been the last Spring Break with the Butler boy.  He will graduate in May and most likely end up in New York, or some place else far away.  That is going to break my heart a little.

I am blessed to have such wonderful children in my life, both by blood and through friendship.

Another Loss

Just found out a friend from my junior year of high school passed away some time back.  He was such a great fun guy.  Had the most beautiful smile. 

Even though I haven't seen him in 36 years, it makes me sad to know he is no longer making people laugh and pulling pranks. 

Time Change Means No Sleep

Another night of only a few hours of sleep. Four hours is the longest night of sleep I have had in a week.  I am not looking too great.

Ever since the time change I have not been able to sleep.  I am not a great sleeper any way, but every time we change the clocks I go into some kind of super no sleep mode.  

I do not feel sleepy or tired. My brain seems to be in hyper mode and it is really messing me up.  

I actually meant to take a Lunesta last night but forgot to take it early enough so that I could function today.  I only take them when I am desperate for sleep.  I am definitely at the desperate stage.

Each Day is a Choice

I am working very hard on my daily choices this year.  

I am making food choices that are helping me lose weight.  I may not be losing huge amounts each week, but I am on a losing streak.  

There are choices I am making at work that seem to be easing my stress.

I tell my heart each day that it can heal and move on.  Some days my heart believes it, some days I just cry all day long, but that is okay as that too is part of healing.

Each day I make the choice to journal about what I am feeling.

Nothing can be done about what happened in the past.  I can make the choice to live in the present.  I cannot control the future. Each day I can make the choice to accept those statements.

I am looking forward to the day I don't have to work so hard to make these choices.

A Wonderful Evening

It has been a beautiful day and evening.

I left work about an hour early today to take the youngest shopping to get some casual dress clothes for a class. After the shopping we went to dinner where we planned a walk in the park and then a grocery shopping trip.

While we were eating the youngest received a text asking him to go creek exploring with some of his friends from high school.  I told him to go on and have fun.  He apologized about the walk in the park and I promptly told him that I was still going to the park.  

We drove home so he could get his old shoes and his car.  I came in and watched a show on tape while my dinner settled and then drove to the park for a very nice walk.  I took my shoulder exercise stick since I had noticed my shoulder was aching from all the activity at work today.  Twice around the lake and a few minutes on the bench was really refreshing. 

I enjoyed watching the ducks on my walk.

I drove to the grocery store after the park.  Just as I was getting out of the car at the store my phone rang and it was my youngest.  Seems some of the boys got into poison ivy and were done exploring and they wanted to come back to our house.  Of course, I love having a house full of boys so I immediately said "YES!"  

I finished shopping and came home to find five boys sitting around talking.  After I greeted them all I invited them to bring in my groceries.  Very handy.  

They are all in there laughing now and I am watching television with the breeze blowing through the screen door.

I think there is some porch swing time coming up before the night is over.

Smells

I don't do well with strong smells, especially early in the morning.  They make me nauseous and my colon spasm, often resulting in a run to the bathroom.

This morning I had a 7:00 A.M. appointment to have my tires rotated and a brake light bulb replaced.  When I entered the tire store, the smell of tires and coffee hit me hard.  My colon immediately started its little dance, and I was worried.  As I checked in with sweet Danny at the desk, I was checking out where the bathrooms were in case I had to take off.  Fortunately, I was able to do some breathing exercises and find a seat where the smells were not too strong and calm my colon to a tolerable you can make it through level.  

All was going just fine until a male customer entered the waiting room and chose to sit next to me.  10 other chairs available and Mr. "I put the whole bottle of aftershave (cologne or whatever) on" chose to sit next to me.  One whiff and there came the spasms again.  

I did not want to be rude and get up and move, plus I was afraid to stand up until I was able to control the spasms again.  I chose a spot out in the work area and used it as my focal point and used breathing techniques I learned in Lamaze classes to calm my colon again.  (I never got to use the techniques in child birth, but they sure have come in handy with my colon.)  

Once I was under control again, I was able to shift in my seat until I could air that was fairly unpolluted and wait until the work was completed on my van.

I was so glad to get out in the fresh air again.  

Note to self, put bag with spare outfit back in van.

Another College Kid, Again

I have three kids in college again.  Loni started class today on her Master's program.  

I am so proud of her.  She is the easiest kid of all, she knows the drill and complies with ease.  

Congratulations Friend!

Marie is a grandma again!  YEAH!  Oh yeah, Bill is a grandpa again, mustn't forget him.

Everyone is well, except Grandma needs tissues.

Next Please

After a very emotional three hour phone call yesterday with tears on both sides, and just a couple of chuckles, I think I am starting to figure some things out.

I am very control oriented which means I like planning.  In my heart and head I have always thought that in the end things would work out.

Now I should have learned years ago that this is not true, since to date nothing has turned out like I planned in my head, but I never seem to learn.

I cannot imagine living without a plan in my head.  I am getting better at adjusting the plan as I move through the day, months or years, but I need my plans. 

This latest adjustment is huge since it has been part of my life since before high school graduation.  I have been tweaking this plan for months, but now it is about to be totally thrown out.  I am sure I can get it out of head, but it will never ever leave my heart.

It is more painful that I ever thought possible given what it is, and I know I will shed many more tears over the years over not understanding why it could never be, just as I will over not having Raymond still with me.

My next step is to develop a new plan in my head.  I don't think this one will be as specific as the one I am throwing away.

I almost feel as if I need to have a ceremony to throw away this one, but I am not strong enough for that yet.

In the meantime, I will just say "Next Please!"

Spotify

My oldest set Spotify up on my computer.  It is a way to listen to music.

I have to say I am addicted now.  It is so easy to listen to all my favorite artists old and new that I have trouble turning it off.

Currently Linda Ronstadt is playing.  I love "Long Long Time."

I have been setting up playlists.  So far I have Van Morrison, Joe Cocker, Phoebe Snow, Ray LaMontagne, Billy Idol, Lady Antebellum, David Bowie, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Kasey Chambers, Robbie Robertson, Misc. Favorites, Gorillaz and Linda Ronstadt.

I am enjoying Spotify so much I am going to have to bake that boy an apple pie.

Here a Day, There a Day

New Year's Eve, 2011 brought me news that was 35 years old and has set me on an emotional roller coaster that I could never ever truly explain.  

I have spent so many nights crying since then. I have also spent mornings and evenings laughing so hard my stomach would hurt for days afterwards.

There have been days when the pain in my heart has dropped me to my knees. 

Now it is time to step back from it all and try to get my bearings again.  It is not easy.  There seems to be three horrible days to each good one, but at least I can say there are good days now.  There for a while I was praying to have a good minute.

I know there has to be a reason this has happened at this time in my life. Sometimes I think I might even understand the lesson of it all, but other days I feel like I will never be able to breathe free again.  

I just keep reminding myself that I have recovered from this before, not just once, but twice.  Third time should be the charm, but this time it is very different.  There is a lot more knowledge now.  Also, I drank a lot to help me through the first and second time, that is not an option now.  Drinking a lot is easier when you are young, in college and you have drinking buddies and there is a party somewhere every night.  

No, this is going to have to a mind over heart cure.  

My friend keeps telling me that I will get through this because I am, and always have been a survivor.  I have to say that there have been days lately when I have not felt like I could survive this again.  This whole thing is beyond reason.

I do know that here a day will be so full of pain that I will wonder if I will ever be able to push past it and move on, and there a day comes when I feel like I can take this for what I believe it will be one day...a great gift.

I Held Back

I had to work tonight and then I had to run an errand to find wooden matches for an work event tomorrow night.  I ended up at Krogers in my match search because it had to be several little boxes and not a big box. When I walked in I noticed they had set up their patio furniture display inside the store.  Part of the display was porch swings, and there was a gorgeous green one right in the middle. 

I so wanted to try out that porch swing.  Unfortunately there were two kids sitting in it and swinging. I truly wanted to go over there an give them the glare that tends to send kids running away from me, but I held back and let them keep swinging.  

It is a really pretty swing.

6:06 A.M.

For the last three weeks I have been waking up at or very close to 6:06 A.M.  My alarm is set to go off at 7:00 A.M.

Giving that I have so much trouble sleeping and no matter what time I go to bed midnight is usually the earliest I can fall asleep, this waking up an hour early is really leaving me exhausted by 3:00 P.M.  

I am not even accomplishing anything with the extra hour in the morning because I am too tired to do anything but get up and stare at the birds for forty minutes before getting in the shower.  

Laying in bed and hoping to go back to sleep has not been successful either as once I am awake I cannot stay in the bed because my hips and back start to ache.

Well it is 7:10 A.M. now and I seem to be fully conscious so it is safe to get in the shower and get ready for work.

I will say it has been nice to see the robins, bluejays, cardinals and finches this morning.

And Yet Another Sign

And just as I hit "publish post" on the previous post "Wish You Were Here" the Raymond bell clanged.  No other wind chime or bell was ringing just the Raymond bell.

What an amazing way to let me know that you heard my message to you on your birthday.

Thank you.  I know what you are saying.  I know you are telling me you understand. 

You continue to support, love me, and accept me like no other.

Wish You Were Here

Raymond,

Today would have been your 53 birthday.  I wish you were here so we could have gone out to the park and enjoyed this glorious day.  I would have baked you an apple pie and made you whatever would have been your favorite meal since it seemed to change based on whatever I had been experimenting with for the year.

If you were here you could see how amazing your boys have turned out thus far and we would have been joking and laughing.   You would know that our oldest is happy with his final choice for a career.  You would see that the youngest is beyond special in his personality and wit.

I am sure a trip to some book store would have been in order or maybe something artsy.

With certainty you would have been one of those husbands really into my quilts and I bet you would have made one of your own, if not many by now, just as you hooked me a rug when I was into rug making.  Who knows you might have taken up fabric painting.

I think you would be pleased that I have reconnected with Kathleen and Gary, and that I took the boys to see Gary before he moved.

Everyday I wish you were here.   I am trying really hard to move on, but I know you are aware of the challenges I have lately and that there must be a reason for them.  I hope you are not ashamed of the fact that I am struggling so because I know you thought I could overcome anything and here I am a mess of emotions over an impossible situation.  A situation that is a repeat of the past and if I hadn't been in it the first time I would not have found you, so maybe it is a repeat so that I can do what you wanted most for me which is to move on with someone else.  I have to tell you though it is really taking  a toll on me. 

I know you are laughing about the absurd situation that came up yesterday through a text. 

Your voice is in my head telling me things that I should be taking care of but I seem stuck.  I can't tell if some things have come to a stand still due to fear or just plain mental exhaustion from holding everything together for so many years.   I am working on it, I promise.

And there you are.  That is the most amazing thing!  I am typing this and thinking of you and there you are.  A gorgeous hawk sitting on the pool fence looking right at me.  Thank you for the visit and for letting me know you are still there watching over us.  You are splendid as a Broad-winged today.

The tears are flowing as I think of you soaring free of pain. 

I wish you were still here with me, and I know you would have never left on your own.

I will always love you and no matter what you will always be my soul mate.

Love,
Me

Road Trip!

I have been jumping up in down lately to get in my car a take off.  Put my cds in the car, some cash in my billfold, and my credit card in my pocket (gas is expensive) and drive until my mind was clear and I was myself again.

I had the opportunity yesterday to go for a small drive.  Mina had a discogram and wanted to recover at Aunt T's.  It was a Friday so I was off work and told her I would love to take her.  I wasn't taking her for the road trip, I was taking her because I am the Mama and I wanted to baby her a little after her procedure.  It took the pressure off Stan since he had to work, and it did give me some time on the road.

Her procedure went as expected and even though there were some delays waiting for the doctor to call in a prescription, we were able to enjoy a glorious trip to Aunt T's. Mina was fully alert and we had good conversation and time alone together which is very rare.

On the way back I came down one of my favorite roads and truly enjoyed the early signs of spring.  

Other than Mina being in pain, it was pretty much a perfect day!

I Went to Hell Tonight

I went to Hell on earth tonight. It is called Cabellas.  

My cousin in Florida told me I needed fox urine to get rid of my skunks and to go to a sporting goods store to buy some.  Loni and I happened to be up by Cabellas and Loni offered to go in and purchase some for me.  I decided to be brave and go in with her.  

I hate huge Sporting Goods stores, but the worse part of tonight's experience was trying to get competent help.  The most useful person I spoke to was the greeter, although when he told me to go to the mountain and make a left, I wanted to laugh in his face.  He did warn me he thought they might not have any fox urine.

I did however behave like a good customer and go to the mountain and make a left into the hunting area.  I attempted to find the fox urine on my own.  No luck.  Was also not having a lot of luck finding someone to help me.  I finally went to where 3 guys that worked there were standing.  They told me that a lot of people ask for fox urine, but they knew they had some but they didn't know where it was and it wasn't their department.  I needed to talk to the gun guys. Joy oh joy.

Loni and I were walking towards the gun guys when we came across another employee who offered to help me look.  He knew where they used to keep it but it had been moved.  After wandering around for a while he said he would look it up on the computer.  On the way to the computer we ran into another guy and my guy asked him about the fox urine and he said "We don't have any."  

I thanked the guy that was trying to help, turned to Loni and said "get me out of this hell."  

Why is it you can go to Target, Lowe's, or Home Depot and almost all their employees know where stuff is located or will find you someone, but this big specialty place just had a lot of people standing around in clumps that knew nothing.  I don't like that. 

I will be getting my fox urine online.

Reading - Not

I seem to have lost my desire to read. I have only read one book since the beginning of 2012 and I only read it because someone loaned it to me and I wanted to return it A.S.A.P.  It was a great book, and I enjoyed it, but I haven't read one since.  

I do keep putting books on my Kindle, especially the free ones and the ones that are coming out by my favorite authors, but  have do desire to read.  

I tried to make myself read the other night and ended up reading the first paragraph over and over again.  

This has never happened to me before.  Sure I would take a week or so off from reading in the past when I was busy with other things, but to just not read...that has never happened.

I loved my dentist when I was little.  His name was Dr. Lipton and because I had so many dental issues I had to spend a lot of time in his chair when I would go for a visit.  He would let me read while he worked in my mouth.  In fact, it was Dr. Lipton that told my mom I needed glasses.  He knew because I started holding the book closer and closer to my face to the point he said there wasn't room for him to work.

It isn't like I haven't been using my brain at night. I have been working Sudoku puzzles every night.

My friend JB is getting irritated because he wants me to read a couple of books so we can discuss them. He reads about four hours a day so he does not understand why I haven't been reading.  Of course, as I tell him, he is an "old" man with nothing better to do.

I am sure I will get back to reading eventually.  Right now everything in my life seems a little off kilter.

Because it Brings a Smile to My Face

I just love Anderson Cooper, too bad his new day time show is so awful.

We Are All Falling Apart!

I swear going to work these days is like going sitting around a doctor's waiting room. Everyone has something wrong with them.

One girl has been sick for weeks and the doctor's cannot figure out what is wrong with her.  

Another one is out and in bed with a back spasm and her sacrum out of place.

The third one has been having major dizzy spells and heart palpitations and refuses to see a doctor, no matter how many times we tell her that could be very serious.  

Me, I am healthy since the strep throat, but today I woke up feeling off and I still feel off.  I don't really have any symptoms of anything, I just don't feel like I usually do.  

Our conversations at work are pretty much centered around how we feel, our symptoms, what the doctor's are saying (for the ones that go to the doctor), and how bad we all feel. 

Pretty depressing.

Someone Noticed!

A friend of mine had to come into my office today to pick up some paperwork and go over some details of an upcoming project.  We had a nice visit while we were waiting for all the documents to print and then she went on home.  

She  hadn't been gone more than five minutes when the phone rang.  When I picked up the phone the same friend said "Have you lost weight?" 

I told her I had and thanked her for noticing.  

She then went on to say that she kept looking at me in the office and knew there was something different about me but she couldn't figure it out and did not want to stare at me.  

Made me feel good all day to know that someone noticed my progress.