Does Anyone Have a Copy of the Rules of Widowhood?

Widowhood is strange.

Suddenly people want to erase the last 25 years of my life. If I mention something my husband and I did together, or his opinion on a subject, or just about anything with his name attached to it, I get the strangest reactions from friends, and acquaintances.

Today when a friend called and was talking about a problem she was having with her house, I mentioned something about how Raymond and I had solved a similar problem with our house, and the topic was immediately dismissed as a subject of conversation with an “I’m sure you must miss him.” Yes, I miss him horribly, but what does that have to do with fixing the problem with the house? Why couldn’t we have just gone on to discuss ways she could solve her problem?

This instance today was not an isolated incident. It happens several times a week. It is so strange. No one ever changes the subject when I talk about my dad, who passed away in 1998. No one ever changes the subject when I mention my grandmother, who passed away in the mid 70’s. So why can’t I talk about my husband, who passed away May 31, 2006?

It is not like I’m weeping, or telling uncomfortable stories about my husband in general conversation. (I save that for my two closets friends.) I’m just mentioning him in a casual way. I’m also not bringing him up constantly and making him the whole topic of conversation. So why can’t I mention him without freaking people out?

One day about a month after Raymond died an acquaintance and I were discussing a restaurant we liked in a nearby city. I said that I liked a certain dish there, but Raymond had preferred a different dish. Well, it was like I had expelled a horribly nasty gas bomb into the room. My acquaintance was fumbling all her words trying to change the subject. I was dumbfounded.

It is so strange to me. How do I discuss my life without mentioning the man I shared it with for over a quarter of a century. Yes, we were only married 1 day short of 24 ½ years, but we dated for a couple of years before we were married. Am I to pretend that my children just appeared in my life one day without the benefit of a father?

If there is a set of written rules for widowhood, I wish someone would get me a copy. The first thing I would look up would be the waiting period before you can mention your deceased spouse in a casual conversation.