Mathew wrote in one of his comments: “Thank you Cheryl. I think you guys are gonna be OK.” I wish I could be sure of that.
So many people comment to me about how strong I am; how much they admire me; or how I am an inspiration to them. I don’t feel like I am worthy of any of those comments.
Every time I have to make a big decision I get so filled with panic, especially if it involves spending money. Raymond quit helping me make decisions in 2005. I remember the day he refused to help me decide on whether or not to fix my old van or buy a new one. I was furious. He saw it as preparing me for the future. I saw it as his way of giving up. He reminded me that I made most of the decisions any way, so it wasn’t a big deal. He did not understand that I made the big decisions after we had sounded ideas off of each others, and I was not ready to give that up.
I have good friends that let me bounce my thoughts around about decisions I need to make, but it is not the same as having Raymond here. When I bounced ideas off of Raymond I was talking to someone else that was truly invested in the decision because it affected his future and lifestyle as much as mine.
Will I ever stop feeling overwhelmed? Where is this strength everyone keeps talking about?
Mathew – why do you think we are “gonna be OK?” What are you seeing that I am not?
Some people will say, oh she is just have a “pity me” day, but if I am, it has been a really long day. I don’t think I have ever made a decision without agonizing over it. It is that agonizing that stops me from exploring life the way I dream of. Like this blog, it has been a dream of mine since Raymond started his in 2004. It took me until 2007 to actually set it up and post.
There are days I sit in my chair and think about how life is passing me by because I do not reach for my dreams. You would think that after watching Raymond live each day to its fullest and the watching his death I would be out going crazy trying to fill each moment with life and all its blessing, but I am not. I am sitting here wondering if the boys are ok, if I am ok. So Mathew – what do you see?
3 comments:
Cheryl,
I can tell you really love your sons.It is amazing the power of love!It will propel you to do things you never thought you could.
I remember when I got my eye put out.Each morning that I woke,I would put my hand over my seeing eye and try to see out the blind eye.It took me 3 years before my brain acually believed I was blind in that eye.It was like my body and brain were separated.I hope that makes some kind of sense.
I have read accounts of a person that did an heroic thing,yet he will say he is not a hero.He just did what needed to be done in that moment.
In reading yor posts,it seems like you have the kind of love a woman should have for her husband and children.Yet you maybe feel as though you did everything you have done because of your love for your family.A lot of people don't know this kind of love... and it is inspiring.Love really is strong.
There is a passage in the bible in 1 cor.13:4-8 I hope you don't mind if I write what it says about love.
" Love suffers long and is kind,there is no envy or conceit in love,love does not seek it's own way and is not easily provoked.There is no evil in love but rather rejoices in the truth.Love bears and endures all things.Love hopes and never fails".
From things I have read on your blog,It seems that people are seeing that love defined in all of your actions.And, that is inspiring.
I don't know how many times my sister's life has and still does move me to accomplish things.
I hope I didn't tell you how you feel here?I have been told by others that I have been an inspiration to them...but at the same time I am filled with self doubt,guestions and on the verge of total shutdown.
Having people depend on you is a heavy load to bear.
Howard
Howard,
Yes, what you say makes some sense. Yes, I have great love for Raymond and my family. I can’t remember a day growing up when I didn’t dream of getting married and having a family. I never dreamt about the wedding or the prince, it was always about having the family. I wanted five children. I am blessed to have two.
I started just to answer your comment this morning, but as I typed on, it became a blog post.
I’m so glad you answered my last post. In answering you, I have answered myself.
Cheryl
Cheryl,
Well I think you may be on to something. You have the making of a book here. Your writing skills are exceptional, your insights profound and your memories and comments on grief are right on the money. You have a gift in case you didn't know it. I have been touched, laughed, smiled and teared up. My greatest thanks for sharing this with me and for the others in grief it will help.
Continue...Take care, Molly
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