Totally Selfish

The commercial Christmas for me has always been about giving. I always want to watch everyone else open their gifts, especially my boys. I enjoy watching the joy in their eyes when they get something they thought they would not get.

However, when it comes to my receiving gifts, I will admit I was totally selfish about my gifts from Raymond. The anticipation, the excitement of what I would get. It was the same feeling I would have as a child and my brother would wake me up before dawn to see what Santa had brought us. It was because I knew that whatever Raymond bought me was well thought out and would be the perfect gift. It would be a gift from the heart and it would be an extension of Raymond's love for me.

As Christmas nears again and the Christmas ads begin once again, I start to get a lump in my throat thinking about past Christmas Eves with Raymond. We always open family gifts on Christmas Eve. Raymond always went out of his way to surprise me at Christmas. We didn’t buy surprise gifts for each other very often, but Raymond really tried hard to surprise me every Christmas. He would go through the house and see what I needed or would pay attention to things I had talked about and then find something to fill my needs.

One year Raymond bought me my dream mixer. He bought me other things, but the mixer was a huge surprise that he hid in the attic. Another year he bought me my annual favorite slippers and hid a diamond ring in them. It was a ring that I had I had told him I wanted for our anniversary (Jan. 2), but he had picked one out and gave it to me early so it really was a surprise.

I loved the year that Raymond went through my kitchen cabinets and made note of all the items that needed replacing. He replaced all my chipped glass measuring cups.

Another year he did a terrific job of picking out some special cooking tools when I was learning how to bake special cakes. (Yes, I liked to get gifts like that.)

There were several years where Raymond wasn’t able to surprise me because he couldn’t get out and shop without me. I am ashamed to say that on those Christmas Eve’s I would go to bed with a huge lump in my throat because I missed those special surprises. It wasn’t that Raymond didn’t buy me gifts; it was that the surprise was gone. No surprise represented one more thing the cancer took away from us. Another way we would not have our normal life back again.

I would beat myself up after my little pity party because I was so thankful Raymond was there to celebrate another Christmas with us. I would thank God for that year and pray that we would be together another year. I would ask God to forgive me for my selfishness.

Christmas 2005 Raymond surprised me again. The oldest was able to drive and Raymond and the boys went shopping for me. Raymond’s surprise was the first season of “7^th Heaven” on DVD. A television show that I got hooked on only after it had been on for years and I had not seen the earlier shows. Raymond and the boys did not like the show and would groan when I would watch it and make fun of me. So it was an extra special surprise. I went to bed that Christmas Eve so thankful to have had a year like the ones we had earlier in our marriage. Of course, I had no idea it would be our last Christmas with Raymond

I never mentioned to Raymond how much I missed the surprises. I did tell him how much the DVD collection meant to me.

Last year the boys did surprise me in a way. I took them to several stores and pointed out gifts I would enjoy getting and gave them a price range and then left while they shopped. On Christmas Eve, not only was there the surprise of what they bought, but also an extra surprise in that they had added to the gift. It wasn’t quite the same as what Raymond did, but I am hopeful that they will learn as the years go by and that the day will come that they will carry on their father’s tradition with their wives.

It is totally selfish for me to want my surprise each year on Christmas Eve, but that is what happens when you have a wonderful husband that spoils you for years and years. Nothing will ever replace a Raymond Christmas surprise. I am so thankful I had one more before he died. It was so nice to have that glimpse of the past and life before cancer right before we found out that there would not be another Christmas together.

Thank you Raymond for all those years of Christmas Eve surprises. You made me feel so loved by taking the time to find just the right gift.