The Chair

I wrote about "The Chair" in an email to an old friend on November 24, 2015.  My friend wrote me back and suggested I take the names out, do a little rewrite, and then publish it because he found it to be beautiful. I probably will never work on getting it published, but I thought I would post it here.

The Chair.

I have a chair that is a recliner.  I have had it since either before my youngest, almost 22 years old, was born or right after.  It is a recliner for short people.  It is the only piece of furniture I can sit on in the house and my feet touch the floor.  I love this chair.  I have rocked more babies and toddlers in this chair than I can count. I have rocked little boys who have been here at sleepovers and ended up crying for their mothers because the coyotes howling scared them.  I have slept in this chair with a sick child on my lap.

I have rocked adult children in this chair and talked away their fears and tears.  My oldest and one of his friends in particular have made great use of my lap.  I make my youngest sit in my lap in this chair just to irritate him. 

This chair is the chair that sat next to Raymond's chair all those years. It is the chair where I sat while we discussed our decisions about our life and his death.  It is the chair I slept in next to his hospital bed in the living room so I could hold his hand through the night. 

It is the chair I mourned Raymond in, day after day, unable to move because my life dreams were over.

It is the chair I sat in next to my Mom  while we watched her favorite television shows.

It is the chair I mourned my Mom in and thought about how I was now an orphan and I had no one to turn to for advice.

It is the chair I sit in when I am sick, recovering from surgery, or have such a horrible migraine that I am curled up in a ball and my youngest is doing all he can to help me. 

It is also the chair that has springs coming out of the cushion that catch on my socks and cause me to fall to the ground.   My handyman and one of the boys who visits often have cut the the springs down to the best of their abilities but I still get poked.  The cording is coming off the front of the chair and the plastic pokes and scratches my legs.  There is no padding left in the chair.  It is a pitiful chair, but still I hang on to it. 

Yesterday, November 23, 2015, I took my youngest shopping because I am buying him a new couch for Christmas.   Our third stop was at La-z-boy furniture.  We found a couch that we both loved and on clearance so we are all set to go, but wait I tell the salesman, "Do you still have the recliners for short people?"   He takes me to the chairs for people my height and I start trying them out.  I found one on sale that I love and I ask if it comes in green.  I ordered the chair. 

I thought I would be sad or have remorse over making such a decision.  I came home and sat in my chair and waited.  All I felt was happiness.  The chair is not what made the memories.  It was the interaction between those I love and me. 

Until recently I couldn't tell the difference.  Talking and listening to an old friend has allowed me to open myself up again. A few years ago I let someone convince me I was worthless, but my old friend has never seen me that way (that I know of) and being around him allows me to remember how I really am if I don't let the doubt creep in.

I am not sure I could have ordered a new chair 60 days ago before I became reacquainted with my old friend.

The new chair feels like a big step for me.  As big as going out with my old friend on Halloween, but not nearly as wonderful. 

I have no idea how long my old friend will stay in my life this time, but no matter what happens I will always appreciate that our renewed friendship has opened my eyes to what I have been blind to for the last few years.  He has reminded me that I have worth.  He has allowed me to be myself. 

Staying Focused

I have really been focusing on my weight for the past 6 months.  I have managed to lose 38.2 pounds since January, 2014.  Of that 38.2 pounds, 25 of those pounds were lost since January, 2015. 

I did it by focusing only on 5 pounds at a time.  I found that if I looked at the large amount of weight I needed to lose I would get depressed and think "I will never lose that much weight."  Once I started just focusing on five pounds at a time I found I could stay on track. 

I weigh myself every day.  I do not deprive myself of things I want, but I make sure I ask myself each time "Is it worth it?"  Just yesterday I really wanted to buy a $1.00 box of Red Vines, but I knew if I bought it I would eat the entire box.  I stood in line at the grocery looking at that box of Red Vines and thought about how it would taste, how I would feel afterwards, and would the taste of the Red Vines be worth how I felt afterwards.  The Red Vines stayed on the shelf.

I often crave something salty and sweet. I have found that 9 almond M&M's in a bowl of 40 whole grain Goldfish is just right to take care of that craving, and  I make sure I log it into my food log on MyFitnessPal.

My exercise is getting 7,000 steps every day I can because it gets me points with my health insurance program where I am awarded with money based on my points each quarter. Some days I get more steps, but I definitely try for 7,000.  I have earned all my money each quarter. 

I have been cleaning out my closet each time I go down a size.  I am no longer buying clothes in the plus size section of the stores.  I have a friend who shops with me and makes sure I buy clothes that fit me and I don't go back into the "baggy" look. 

I still have a very long way to go, but I think I can keep on the program.

I am less than 5 pounds away from weighing what I did 23 years ago when I became pregnant with my youngest child.  That is my next goal.  After that I will be 10 pounds away from weighing what I did when I got pregnant with my oldest child 27 years ago.  I am very exited about reaching those numbers again. 

Staying focused is what it is going to take. 

Time Flies

I have neglected this blog.  Certainly not on purpose, but mostly because life has just been flying by the last year. 

The oldest received his Master's in May, 2014 and the youngest received his Bachelor's the same week.

The youngest started working on his Master's in August, 2014.

In September, 2014 I went on a cruise with one of my adopted daughter's to Jamaica, Grand Cayman, and Cozumel.

The oldest married in October, 2014.

2014 seemed to end in a blur with the holidays and work.

So far in 2015 I have finished the second phase of a big project at work.

My youngest adopted daughter received her Master's in May, 2015.

I have just returned from wonderful trip to Bella Vista, Arkansas.  I fished every day but one, I didn't catch enough fish, but I was relaxed and enjoyed being on the lake.

I am in the process of rearranging parts of the house and doing a huge clean up of old items. 

Life is good.

Something Has Changed in 32 Years

I was 22 when I got married.  I met Raymond in 1977, we go married in 1982.  I didn't date him exclusively until my senior year of college, but we had been dating 4 years all together.

Raymond grew up working around the farm, and for others. The only time I knew him not to have a jobs outside the farm was during semesters. During the summers he often worked several jobs.  

I started making money working outside the home when I was 10. That is when I started babysitting.  I think I always did chores around the house from the time I could walk.  It was what you did in our house.  You did your part to be help the entire family.  I can remember standing on a chair to wash dishes because I was too little to even reach the kitchen counter.

When Raymond and I got married we were fairly mature and knew how we wanted to run our household.  Because we only had one car, I didn't work for many months after we got married.  We had to wait to see where Raymond would be assigned so my job could be in the same direction.  Since I didn't work, I did everything in the apartment, except laundry.  Raymond had refused to pony up the extra money to get an apartment with a washer/dryer, so he said he would do the laundry.  Every Sunday he got up around 5 a.m. and did the laundry.  He would do all the washing and drying,  then he would bring it all back for me to iron/fold and put away.  

After I started working the chores were divided up.  Raymond did the bathroom, I did the kitchen, he ran the vacuum, I dusted.  The person who cooked, did not do the dishes.  It remained that way until I quit work to raise the boys, then I did all the inside chores, and Raymond did all the outside chores.  

Fast forward to 2013.  I have seen a lot of 22 year olds get married this year. Personally, I think they could have all waited a few more years.  They all seem so immature, and they cannot seem to get this household thing down.  It cracks me up, and at the same time makes me so sad.

Marriage is hard work.  I worry what will happen to some of these couples when real hard issues come up in their marriage. If they can't figure out how to compromise and get the household chores done, what will happen when there are children, health issues, or financial problems?

Life Has Gotten Away From Me

It seems life has gotten away from me lately.  For the month of October I was involved in several outreach programs in the evenings and working on a project that took extra time away from my usual duties at work.  All of these things were and are worthwhile endeavors, but it has meant many 14 hour days away from the Oasis, and has left me exhausted.

 

The problem with being exhausted is that once I am home I am too tired to do anything around the house. 

 

Hopefully things will slow down at least in the evenings after this coming week and I will begin to catch up, right before the holidays.  Or the big project will become urgent and I will sail through the rest of 2013 without recognizing what happened.  

Mind Baggage

Why is it that no matter how much I try I cannot get rid of my mind baggage?  I play stuff over and over again in my head trying to figure out how I could have changed a situation to make it better than how it turned out.  Some of these situations happened back when I was second grade.  

Such a Harsh Reality

Saturday night I had two dreams that were so real that I have been dealing with the harsh reality of the truth all week, once again.

In the first dream I was looking at a photo on my phone.  The bottom of the photo showed Raymond looking at the boys when the were young.  He was looking down at them with such pride and love, and at the top of the photo it was Raymond looking at the boys as they are now, almost eye to eye with him standing in front of the Kroger deli.  My dream was so realistic and the photo so perfect that I woke myself up, grabbed my phone and pulled up my photos.  It was so disappointing to not find that photo in my gallery. 

Later when it was closer to morning I had another dream.  I was outside working in the garden with the youngest when he decided to go in the house.  After I worked on for a few more minutes I realized I needed to tell him something so I went in the house too.  When I opened the door to go back outside there stood Raymond.  I asked him where he had been and he reminded me that he had been on a business trip. He said "Don't you remember me telling you about the trip?" I told him he had been gone a long time.  He said it had been too long, he opened his arms and I stepped right into them and laid my head on his chest.  We stayed that way for a long time.  I told him I had missed him and he said he missed me too and was glad to be home again.  

Waking up to the harsh reality that he wasn't on a business trip was really hard.  It is amazing how we can change reality in our dreams to the point we believe it is true.  

Oh how I wish it could be true.

Anxious

I am feeling over scheduled these days and having anxiety over being able to meet everyone's needs.  I really don't want to let anyone down, but it is taking a toll on me mentally. 

Not a Fan

I am not a fan of Valentine's Day. Never have been.

I have had guys in my life go out of their way to make Valentine's Day special.  I know I have received wonderful gifts on Valentine's Day such as jewelry, roses, expensive chocolates, etc., but I am still not a fan. 

 

Valentine's Day just always seemed to put a lot of pressure on a relationship back in my dating days, and once I was married I only had to open my eyes and see Raymond's smile and hear his "Morning Beautiful" to know that I was the luckiest woman in the world. 

Raymond showed me everyday how much he loved me. He also always did wonderful small things that let me know how much he loved me.  Like bringing home my favorite candy bar tied to a beautiful house plant for my collection, or something special for my fish tank just to let me know he was thinking of me during the day.  He never stopped letting me know how much he loved and appreciated me.

Now that Raymond is gone, I really don't like Valentine's Day, especially when I see men and women just buying something to have something to give to someone.  It just doesn't say love to me. So I pretty much can't wait each year for February 14 to be over.  

This year, I spent pretty much the whole day angry.  I woke up to a text this morning that said "Happy Singles Day!"  It was from someone who really should have known better, not only because she knows my story, but because of her profession.  

I did not choose to be single.  I would do anything to have Raymond back with me. I miss him every second of every day.  I really am dumbfounded by how insensitive that message was, and the fact that this person would never understand that it was insensitive. 

I have let it go now, but every time I think I have heard every insensitive idiotic thing this woman can say, she surprises me yet again.  

Please do not get me wrong, I appreciate the cards and gifts I received this year, and I do understand that some people love Valentine's Day and making it special for others.  I am just not one of those people.

What a Sweetie

Randy gave me permission to blog some of the things he says to me in private messages.  Maybe someday my kids might read some of his words and realize I had a life before I became who I am now, and outside of being their mom. 

There were many gems tonight, but the one that made me laugh was: "You know if I could bottle all the sweet things and encouragement you've given me, it would be a cross between Red Bull and honey, energy and sweetness, in the same container.I love you bigger than infinity, unconditionally"

Gave Myself a Party Tonight

I gave myself a party tonight.  Unfortunately it was a pity party.  I am over it now.

I have been sick with bronchitis pretty much all of January going into February.  It has made it difficult to sleep. Considering the fact that I have sleep issues most nights, I am now running pretty empty.

Work has been super stressful this week which isn't helping with my sleep either.

Today I spent 4 hours shopping for a project coming up at work  The shopping took me into 6 stores, some of them more than once. Some of the stores were very friendly and helpful.  Others were not.  WalMart was the absolute worse.  I won't go into all the details, but we were in there for almost an hour, and about 40 minutes of that was trying to get paperwork completed and then discovering that they had not charges us for 14 towels of the 70 we purchased. We went to get a manager and they were able to ring up the rest of our purchases, but they weren't really friendly about it.  We could have easily walked out the door and just said "they just made a donation."  

A couple of stops later I realized that the lady at WalMart had not given me back my driver's license. I can't believe I didn't notice, but since I had to ask her for all my documentation back at each step, I was frustrated, and wanting to scream. I can see why I didn't notice. So that meant another trip back to WalMart to get my license.

All that shopping put me way behind at the actual business part of my job, so I worked overtime to try to get caught up for tomorrow.  

By the time I arrived home I was exhausted, in pain, and mentally drained. All I wanted to do was weep.  I would have laid on the floor, but I was afraid I would never be able to get up by myself.  

I just want to sleep. 

A Shoulder Would Be Nice

Sometimes I just wish I had a shoulder to lay my head on after a long frustrating day.  

That was another thing I lost when they amputated Raymond's hip and leg.  He could no longer sit on the couch, he had to be in a chair with arms so he could prop himself up.  We lost the ability to be able to sit next to each other except with a chair arm between us.  

It was always the little things like that I missed the most after his surgery, and I find myself still missing the little things.  

Today was a long exasperating day, and it is taking me a long time to unwind.  It would be nice if there were a man with a shoulder I could lay my head on and watch t.v.with until I calm down.  I don't need someone to try to make it all better, or try to rescue me, I just need a shoulder of someone who understands I just want to rest my head and feel at peace.

Eerie

This happened yesterday, Friday, January 25, sometime between 10:45 and 11:30 A.M.  I was home alone.  Doors were locked.

Yesterday morning I got up, made a nice breakfast of soft boiled eggs and wheat toast, and then settled in to do a little work on my redwork block for quilting class while catching up on my recorded shows.  

On my television stand top I have a collection of glass items that are green, including a pretty cross my boss gave me one year.  She purchased it from an artist at Huffine's Art Trails.

The cross is really not close to the edge, and I can't really watch television without noticing the arrangement on the table top.  

Around 10:30 A.M. or so, I decided to go get a shower so I could go out and take care of my grandcat before too late in the day.  When I left the room to go to the bedroom side of the house, the room looked liked this:

I

I know this for sure because as I was working on my quilt block I was trying to decide if I needed to vacuum the living room this weekend.

When I got out of the shower, I wrapped my hair in a towel, put on my towel wrap and came back into the living room to cool off and look up something on the internet.  I sat down on the couch and pulled up my browser and then something on the floor caught my eye.  It was the cross, upside down and undamaged.

As you can see nothing else was disturbed on the table top.

A message? 

I did text my boss to see if she was okay.  She was.  

The whole thing is eerie.  

So Appropriate, So Pointless

Some of us have been shouting about certain things.  Nothing ever changes, except more lies.



I've been silent for much too long
Now I'm telling everybody what's been going on
It's time to shout now it's time to scream
It's time to wake up from this bad dream

I'm gonna shout till the devil gets on his knees
Shout till the angels say pretty please
Shout till I feel it runnin' through my veins
Shout till everybody thinks I'm insane
I'm gonna shout now, oh
I'm gonna shout now, oh
I wanna wake up

I've been broken and I've been bruised
I've been lied to and I've been used
It's time for dignity it's time for pride
It's time to get out what's been brewing on the inside

I'm gonna shout till the devil gets on his knees
Shout till the angels say pretty please
Shout till I feel it runnin' through my veins
Shout till everybody thinks I'm insane
I'm gonna shout now, oh
I'm gonna shout now, oh
I wanna wake up

I'm gonna shout till the devil gets on his knees
Shout till my angels say pretty pretty please
Shout till I feel it runnin' through my veins
Shout till everybody thinks that I'm insane
I'm gonna shout now, oh
I'm gonna shout now, oh
I wanna wake up

Not A Bad Week

If you take away the fact that John entered hospice this week and I have cried pretty much all day ever day, it really hasn't been a bad week.  

John entering hospice was not a surprise for me.  For someone who has been through it, I knew it was coming. I kept praying I was wrong, but in my head I knew that his fight was almost over, and my heart has been breaking for his family and friends.

Taking away the sadness though, the week has been okay.

Monday night I attended a Redwork Quilting Class.  Redwork is not really something I enjoy, it is a little old-timey for me, but it is pretty mindless and since I had finished my handwork I had at the house it has filled my late evenings.  A lot of great people in the class, along with a very interestingly bizarre lady so the conversation from the evening has kept several of us entertained throughout the week.

Tues. was dinner with Mina and Loni, always a joy.  

Wed. night I came home and worked on projects around the house.  One night I worked in straightening up my bedroom. I still had Christmas quilts, stockings and table toppers piled up in there to be hung for next year, along with odds and ends to be put away.  I also cleaned part of the bathroom.

Thurs. night I worked on the laundry room.  I just about have it completely cleaned out and all laundry done.

Yesterday, Friday, I went to see a friend to finally exchange Christmas presents, ran some errands for the quilting class instructor, stopped to see a couple of other friends, cleaned out the pantry, scrubbed down the kitchen and mopped the floor, and then met Stan, Mina, and Loni for our regular Friday night dinner at Los Charros.  Once home, I worked on the laundry room some more and then spent the evening embroidering on my quilt block for class.  

Today I am scrubbing down the rest of my bathroom, finishing up with the laundry room, and hope to start on the game room.  I also need to find the skein of floss I lost yesterday to work on my quilt block.

The youngest should be home at some point today.  I am anxious to hear about his first week of the semester.

While I was working on my quilt block I was able to catch up on most of my evening shows.  I was very happy with who won Project Runway All Stars.  I hate the new judging panel on American Idol.  Scandal was interesting.  I am losing interest in Revenge.  The rest were pretty much noise in the background.  

On FB, Jeff has kept me entertained most of the week with little funny messages everyday to cheer me up.  Randy and I have come to an understanding regarding our relationship which has put us both in a good place. I love that I was able to reconnect with Annette.  Cindy and I had some good laughs, and I learned my cousin's son has a book out and holding book signings that some of my other cousins are attending. 

My cough is slowing down some.  Still bad when I talk very much or laugh.  Hoping it will stop soon.  Always takes me a long time to clear out my lungs after an illness.  

Tomorrow morning will be a family breakfast at Mimi's before the girls make their annual trek to Hawaii.  

Yes, taking away the sadness and the heartbreak of knowing another good man is leaving us, it was not a bad week.

Next week: Another installment of the quilting class, and Nana duties for Mocha. 

At Least Dinner is in the Fridge

I really don't feel like going to work today.  Not because I am still too sick to work, but because I want to stay home.

At least I won't have to fix dinner when I get home.  Laura brought me homemade chicken soup yesterday but because I had a late breakfast out with the youngest and then had dinner out with him and Loni yesterday I haven't eaten the soup yet.  It will be a nice ending of the work day before I go back out to a quilting class tonight. 

I am not looking forward to the lesson tonight at all, but I will enjoy being with the people. 

Sometimes I Wish

Sometimes I wish my brain would shut up and I could just follow a piece of my heart.  Of course, that would be a disaster.  

I still love you. ("Close Your Eyes" by J.T.) Sweet dreams.  

How do you answer a text like that when you know your brain will never let you love back equally?  

I didn't. There is nothing to say that hasn't been said. 

Holes in my Socks

I love fun socks.  The Christmas before he died, Raymond gave me a box full of really great socks.  I have been wearing them ever since, but because I only wear socks a few months a year they have remained in good shape.

Starting about a month ago, every time I have worn a pair of the socks I have come home with a hole on the big toe of the left foot.  Every time I saw a hole I got very upset because it meant I was losing yet another part of my life with Raymond.  I kept checking my toe and shoe to see if there was some reason to be getting the hole, but nothing.

The other day I was sitting on the bed taking off yet another pair of socks with a hole and I realized even the hole had a connection to Raymond.  Then I had to wonder if the hole was a message.

Before Raymond and I started dating I noticed he had been absent from our classes at college for a while and questioned him about it when he returned.  I found out he had been in the hospital and told him that if should ever happen again he should tell me because I could have visited since I was often at the hospital.  Not long after that Raymond's mom called me at home to tell me he was back in the hospital and he wanted me to know in case I had time to visit.  I went to visit the next day and ended up visiting him every day during that stay, a little over a week.  I would take my homework and work on it while he slept and then visit when he was awake. He was always asking me to stay longer even if I had been there for 4 hours.  

Since I really didn't know Raymond that well when I started visiting him in the hospital it was always awkward when I would get ready to leave for the day.  I took to squeezing his big toe of his left foot before I left as a way to let him know I would be back.  After we got married any time he had surgery, I would squeeze his big toe before leaving the room so he would know I would be back.  Even if I had just kissed and hugged him, I would try to reach out and get his toe.  When he was getting chemo and was so ill in Houston, we were not able to kiss because of his compromised immune system, so the toe thing became an important way for us to communicate. Sometimes it was the only contact we had for weeks.

I have to wonder if the holes aren't a sign from Raymond that it is time to throw away the old socks, get some new ones and move forward in life. 

There are still a few pairs of socks left.  I will keep wearing them.  Raymond would not want me to put them back for a rainy day.  I will miss the connection when they are gone, but I understand the message.

Would Have Been My 31st Wedding Anniversary

Today would have been my 31st wedding anniversary.  To celebrate the boys, Kyle, Loni and I went to San Miguel's in McKinney for dinner.  We could have been seated sooner than we were, but I wanted my favorite waiter.  

Raymond and I used to go there for dinner on our anniversary.  When we first started going there it was only on special occasions because we couldn't afford to eat out very often.  Later as we were able to get more established we would go there every month or so, but our anniversary dinner was special.  If my aunt was in town, we would actually get to go without the boys and make a night of it.

Going there on January 2 just seems right. 

Welcome 2013!

Another year.  

I must admit I spent a good portion of the morning crying on the couch.  

There are so many things up in the air in my life.  There are so many things I see that are not right and I cannot fix.  There are so many things I need Raymond here to help me with.  

I floundered in 2012.  I would like to hope I can flourish in 2013, but I am not sure I have the strength.  

One thing is for sure, as April approaches and the year of "Finding Me" comes to an end, I can say that I have not "found me."  I am no where close to being "found."