First let me say that I know how blessed I am. I have two wonderful boys, I have a nice house, two vehicles that are paid for, a mortgage I can make payments on, and a little savings. I know I am blessed, especially compared millions of others in the world.
But, I just feel whiny tonight. I know it is because I am very tired. These weeks of Mom being ill are taking their toll. It is worse now because I cannot get to her easily like before. Now, I have to plan the trip into my day.
I hate where she is, and I am losing sleep over it, but I don't know another solution at the moment without going against the doctor's wishes. Then the question becomes "What if the next place is worse?"
I'm tired. I am always tired. I am inefficient when I am tired. I hate being inefficient.
There is not enough closet space in my house. My house has 5 closets. One of those we had built in when Raymond because disabled. My Mom has the use of 2 of the closets. I have a skinny closet and I cannot hang all my clothes (and I do not have a lot of clothes), the boys share a walk in, but the rods on the sides are very short and we had to add shelves to put clothes on. The other walk in closet was converted by previous owners to be lined from top to bottom with shelves, which we now use to hold the oldest's books and things because he really no longer has a bedroom since Mom moved in. There are clothes stacked all over the house because we cannot find a place to hang them. We are in the process of boxing up the boys' winter clothes, but where will we put those boxes. Yes, we are blessed to have clothes, and 5 closets, but I am feeling very overwhelmed. I cannot stand clutter. I cannot afford to get rid of clothes that still fit my boys because of the cost of replacing the clothes.
So what is really making me whiny. The lack of control in my life. The fact that I cannot just get up, take the youngest to school, go to work, and then come home.
The uncertainty of what will happen to Mom.
The fact that life is passing me by, and I'm not able to enjoy my days.
The fact that I am always the caretaker, and I would like to go away for a month and have someone take care of me. I don't mean a spa or anything like that, but just a place where someone cooks, does the laundry, and cleaning, and I get to read, quilt, nap, and play games whenever I want. Of course, the problem with all of that is that I don't sleep well when I am away from my home, and my bed. I am happiest right here in my own home with my boys.
I'm just feeling whiny.
But, I just feel whiny tonight. I know it is because I am very tired. These weeks of Mom being ill are taking their toll. It is worse now because I cannot get to her easily like before. Now, I have to plan the trip into my day.
I hate where she is, and I am losing sleep over it, but I don't know another solution at the moment without going against the doctor's wishes. Then the question becomes "What if the next place is worse?"
I'm tired. I am always tired. I am inefficient when I am tired. I hate being inefficient.
There is not enough closet space in my house. My house has 5 closets. One of those we had built in when Raymond because disabled. My Mom has the use of 2 of the closets. I have a skinny closet and I cannot hang all my clothes (and I do not have a lot of clothes), the boys share a walk in, but the rods on the sides are very short and we had to add shelves to put clothes on. The other walk in closet was converted by previous owners to be lined from top to bottom with shelves, which we now use to hold the oldest's books and things because he really no longer has a bedroom since Mom moved in. There are clothes stacked all over the house because we cannot find a place to hang them. We are in the process of boxing up the boys' winter clothes, but where will we put those boxes. Yes, we are blessed to have clothes, and 5 closets, but I am feeling very overwhelmed. I cannot stand clutter. I cannot afford to get rid of clothes that still fit my boys because of the cost of replacing the clothes.
So what is really making me whiny. The lack of control in my life. The fact that I cannot just get up, take the youngest to school, go to work, and then come home.
The uncertainty of what will happen to Mom.
The fact that life is passing me by, and I'm not able to enjoy my days.
The fact that I am always the caretaker, and I would like to go away for a month and have someone take care of me. I don't mean a spa or anything like that, but just a place where someone cooks, does the laundry, and cleaning, and I get to read, quilt, nap, and play games whenever I want. Of course, the problem with all of that is that I don't sleep well when I am away from my home, and my bed. I am happiest right here in my own home with my boys.
I'm just feeling whiny.
1 comment:
I know exactly how you feel. Being the only caretaker takes a huge toll. You do the best you can with what you have, but you always wish things could be different.
God knows your heart. He sees what is going on. Pour out your heart to Him and just remember to NOT stop after you've listed the concerns. Go ahead and take some time to just worship.
The clutter and whatnot in the house will still be there when your mom's situation is resolved. I know exactly how frustrating it is to be constantly on the go and wish all you *had* to do was stay at home and do what you want and nothing more.
I also know how it helps to just vent and get it all out there. And the rodent problem is just another aggravation on top if it all.
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