This has been an emotionally hard day. Raymond would have been 49 today.
It is so hard not to sit here and think about what could have been, what should have been.
I don't know if the pain will ever go away. I can push it down. I can put on a happy face. I can act like I am moving on, but deep down I'm not.
I feel guilty because Raymond wanted me to move on as quickly as possible. Easy for him to say, he wasn't the one left alone with years and years of grief to deal with.
So many regrets. Not about our life together, but about the life we did not get to live.
I have had a few dreams about Raymond lately. I hardly ever dream about him. In almost all of the recent dreams we seem to be meeting at the end of the day and talking about what we did while we were apart.
I'm glad Raymond got to live as long as he did, I just wish it had been a lot longer, and with me.
2 comments:
Hey my thoughts and prayers are with you.
I will be 49 in 11 days and knowing that Raymond is gone, motivates me to get out of my phunk and get going.
When I am productive and accomplish things It makes me happy, because I know how proud my loved ones that are gone would have been.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't grieve and that you won't have those rough days, but I will tell you that It makes me happy and proud to have you engaged and accomplishing things.
You may not realize the positive impact you have. I see it and so do lots of other folks.
Hang in there.
I have to stay engaged and make sure I accomplish something everyday because Raymond would expect that of me. I cannot let Raymond down by shutting down and setting a bad example for our boys. It is what keeps me moving - making sure I don't disappoint Raymond.
Post a Comment