Here it is June 5

Here it is June 5 and I made it over the hump.

Raymond died May 31, 2006.  This year I got through that day without thinking about the death, a new stepping stone for me. In fact, I totally ignored the date.  I went to work, went to my meeting, went to dinner with extended family, and did not once think about the significance of the day.

I still cannot control my eating during the month of May.  I go back to old habits of just wanting to eat all the time.  The good thing is I did not reach for just the same thing over and over again.  No major obsession with Pringles and dip, or any one single food that I just eat over and over again.  

Do I miss him any less because I made it through May 31 without thinking about that day 5 years ago?  No. I do not.  In fact, all I can think about is how he has missed 2 graduations. He has also missed the oldest having his first very serious girlfriend, my youngest getting a new car, watching me learn to quilt, and most of all watching his two boys grow into fine young men.  That brings me to my knees on a daily basis, whether it is a significant date or not. 

Sometimes I still day dream about what our life would be like right now. After all, this would be the prime of our life. Both boys in college.  We would be pretty much free to do whatever we wanted.   Instead, I am trying to figure out what I want the rest of my life to look like.  I feel like I am in limbo. I know it is up to me to move forward.  I just don't know what I want to move forward to now, or in the future. 

I know that January 1 starts the new year, but sometimes I feel like my new year starts June 1 as I see how I get through March, April, May.