The Responsible One

I am the responsible child in the family. 

My brother is 9 years older than I am, a gifted musician and writer, and has always done his own thing.  

I have lots of memories of my childhood with my brother, but the one that involves my parents, and I remember most is him getting a violin scholarship (a very good one) and turning it down to play guitar.  We still lived in our house next to the church, so I was around five which means he was 14 or so.  I remember how disappointed my parents were, and how they talked about it constantly. In fact, I heard about it all my life.  

Now that is not the only time my brother disappointed my parents by not following up on his brilliance, but it is the first time I remember. Oh, yeah, he disappointed them in the ways normal kids do by smoking too early, getting caught sneaking out, etc., but those are not what I remember because I did stuff like that to disappoint them too. Well, not the smoking and sneaking out, but other things.  No I am talking giving up scholarships, dropping out of college with just a semester to go, etc.  

Those big disappointments are what made me not want to ever do that to my mom and dad, and made me the responsible one.  I was the one that helped with Grandma, started working at 10 so mom and dad didn't have to give me spending money because times were tough, cooked dinner most nights once mom had to go back to work when dad was sick, and the list goes on from there until Mom's last breath, ten years after Dad's death.  

Being responsible carried over into all aspects of my adult life.  I know that is a good thing, but sometimes I wonder just what would happen if I just let go and was irresponsible in some areas.  What if I did what was truly in my heart and mind instead of what was responsible?  I know the world wouldn't end, but could I face the disappointment some might feel in me?  Or does my need not to disappoint anyone live so deep in me that I really wouldn't be happy if I did what I think I would like to do? This has been weighing on my mind a lot lately.  I think about it just about everyday.  I am not sure I could stand the disappointment some might feel in me, but then again I may not be able to stand the disappointment I might feel in myself if I don't throw caution to the wind and make some irresponsible changes.